Scarecrow Buoys As we wait for industrial death cum to stop literally ejaculating into Mother Nature's womb we can make a difference in our own lives. Pick up a baby's dropped toy, warn a truck it's backing into a motorcycle, push a Chinese guy out of the way before some bottles fall on him. It's just like that Liberty Mutual ad says...ah, I forgot. It's in the cloud.
- Assemble scarecrows of something seagulls and pelicans hate. Whatever the opposite of a Burger King parking lot is. Place these scarecrows on buoys and tow them out into the oil spill so that birds will be too afraid to land. Include some buoys with signs that read "OIL - NOT SAFE" and, following the example of European cigarette packaging, a few with pictures of dead birds covered in oil. That way they will know the consequences of their disgusting oil-landing habits. When none of these techniques work employ volunteers in boats to wave their hands and yell at birds. Idea website
- Using the so-called "Wisdom of Crowds" has become a big trend in recent years. There's even a special term for it, but I have lost the human ability to retain information since placing all of my short term memory "in the cloud." Whatever it's called, we need to create a website for average folks to use their good ol' fashioned wisdom and submit their ideas for how to plug the leak and then vote on the best ideas. Learned behavior
- Did you know that certain types of porpoises have learned new ways to hunt fish and communicate these ways to other porpoises? I think that's true, but I might have dreamed it during one of my recurring nightmares where I'm a fish being hunted by porpoises. The point is, good ideas can spread among animal populations, so it's just a matter of catching some fish and crabs and turtles, teaching them how to avoid oil, then releasing them back into the ocean to show all their friends how to avoid oil. We may have to do the release using helicopters since by the time we're done training lobsters there will be oil covering the beaches all the way to Minnesota. Wash a bird
- Doesn't have to be a bird covered in oil, just catch a bird and wash it. Petting zoos usually have some geese you can catch pretty easily. Every bird probably would enjoy a bath. If you really want to feel like you're accomplishing something, dip the bird in oil and then wash that off. I recommend coconut oil, it smells goooood. Yell things at BP
- BP has conveniently placed offices in almost every American city. Stand outside and shout, or go inside and harass the employees. Since they are minimum wage employees or franchise operators with minimal financial connection to BP you should channel your anger at their corporate masters into constructive criticism specific to the location. Something like, "You have too many bullshit flavors of M&M! What is this, Mint Brownie? Rootbeer? Fuck you guys." or "Nice haircut, I like it a lot. For a jerk. Not." or "I just went in your men's room and took a big, nasty crap alllllll over the crap that was already on the toilet seat!" Remember what the President said: change starts...something, I can't remember, gonna have to tell you to check the information cloud for this one. Discuss online and never back down
- Never. Back. Down. We would rather die on our feet than whatever we were doing on our knees a few minutes ago. Whatever your position is on this issue entrench completely, find a website, and repeat your position using all capital letters or exclamation marks. Hyperbole is very helpful when discussing these sorts of nightmarish global catastrophes. Use "literally" as often as you want to describe things that aren't literal. The world needs to understand that millions of tiny baby crabs are being literally murdered by BP and your blood is literally boiling.