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I need some serious relationship advice.

V

Victoria

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Hi guys. I know Im not around much, but Im a loyal IM member, and I really trust your opinions. This may come across as weird, but I really need to talk to people. And it cant be anyone I really "know".

I know this is a bodybuilding site, but I also know you guys will give some sound advice.

:( Im in a rut with my boyfriend of three years. We live together and when we first got together, we had fallen so hard for each other, that we had slowly created our own little relationship where we hardly spend it with anyone at all but each other. Our friends see us as such an ideal couple, never have problems, everything is perfect. But our friends no longer know the real "us" of who we have really become. So I cant talk to them.

Im so paranoid when it comes to love, and distrustful (from past relationships) and I cant help but think that sometimes he is too good to be true. Truly. Like he is the most "ideal" boyfriend, in the sense that he is always considerate, chivalrous, expresses his feelings, breaks down and cries when we fight really bad, and shows his love for me in everything he does.

My trust issues come from within. I feel like he cant be that perfect. I feel like there is somewhere inside him that is a "guy" (sorry fellas) and will always want to be with other women, and always wonder what he's missing out on. When his work sends him on business overnight, I think - wow, what a great opportunity to cheat on me. And then I envision it, and I get angry. My heart hurts and I just dont want to deal with a relationship. period.

He (of course) gets very tired of reassuring me sometimes and I have to swawllow my fears and get a grip, but my paranoia is becoming unbearable. He is going away on business for a weekend meeting. (who the hell does that?) and all I can think is, a weekend meeting? Who would schedule a wweekend meeting? What a perfect excuse if he was doing something behind my back.

The problem is, Im depressed. because I feel like If I have nothing to worry about, Im self-distructing myself. And if I do have something to worry about, I want to know about it now. (Even though he always says I have nothing to worry about).

Im beginning to feel like even though we are soulmates, I will be happier alone. Does anyone ever feel like this? Ever? And how the hell do you reassure yourself when this is your own battle within?

Any advice would truly do me wonders right now. :(( thanks.
-V
 
If he has never cheated on you then it is not fair to him for you to feel this way. If I was him I would end the relationship unless you could come to deal with it. He is a different person than all you have known in the past. It is not fair to judge him the same. Sounds like you need to grow up a bit! (Sorry this sounded so mean)
 
No dg, please be mean. I dont need sugar coating for this. I need brutal honesty.

I think I need to grow up A LOT. Because Im stuck in the life I used to have and I cant see that he is different.. Its like, if all your used to are apples and all of a sudden an orange falls in your lap, what the hell do you do if youve never seen it before you know? (sorry for the cheesiness)

I know this will sound like an impossible question, but how does someone grow up when it comes to fears?
 
When they lose the love of their life because of it.
Ok I wont hold back:

People mature and learn from lifes biggest mistakes.
I agree with DG- if he has never cheated, he does not deserve to be treated like he has. It seems there are major insecuritie issue within yourself. I would def get help to straighten it oput, or else all your relationships will be doomed.

Good luck;)
 
Sometimes love hurts, but you know there are some genuine people out there - I would like to think of myself as one of them. It is quite abnormal it seems to be this way nowdays, but I grew up with an old fashioned dad.

Have you guys not considered marriage? If that wouldn't soothe your mind I can only imagine that one day you would end up leaving and regret it. It seems some people have to lose a few before they finally understand and can live with things.

If you constantly worry that he is a dishonest cheater, he may end up being the one to leave you, nobody likes to be called a liar, especially someone you think is your "soulmate."
 
I know this will sound like an impossible question, but how does someone grow up when it comes to fears
Click to expand...
you'll face fears all your life, whether it be love,death, bills, money, whatever.but you'll learn how to deal with them as you grow.as far as your situation, TALK. lay your cards out on the table, tell him what you feel, its best to honest rather then hiding your fears.it seems like your self talkinh your way out, rather then being straight forward.JMHO
 
Thanks Leslie.. Im beginning to feel as though I cant just battle this myself. I need help or else my heart will get broken for good and it will be no ones fault but my own.

Mudge, we actually HAVE discussed marraige. He has already made me pick out my ring and has been planning out when a good date would be. We have a joint account and its hard to save and surprise when the other person knows whats going on all of the time...

I believe we are soulmates, and I know that if I leave it would destroy us both. But that wouldnt do any good at all would it. That would just be the easiest way to run away.

I dont want to have to wait until I lose the one person in the world I need the most to grow up.. I feel totally alone here. All of you can see things with an open mind.

I need to too, I dont know why its so hard to. How the hell do I eat that orange? :cry:
 
Tank, we talk about this all the time, and he has even promised to get through this together. (he's wonderful) - but its as if the vision is stronger than the vibe. Does that make sense?

Like, I see it in my mind, then I feel it like it happened. I dont feel first and then visualize it.

I know Im reaching out today because I know that sometimes, like now, Im totally at a loss.

Hs anyone felt this way? Im sure everyone has insecurities, but have you ever let it get the best of you? I need it to stop.
 
take a time out and find yourself .sounds like you need time away, as hard as it sounds, its even a worse thing to try. but the old saying, if you love something set it free, if it comes back, it was meant to be.marriage's nowadays dont last like they should, because people are insecure about what they feel at that time. so i guess if you have Questions or these fears, you better step back and rethink alittle.
 
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Yea :( Thats true. I think we have spent way too much time together and have made ourselves wayyyyyyyy to dependant on each other. its as if one of us were to go away just for a night or two, the other is sincerely (no joke) at a loss. That CANNOT be healthy.

Its like sometimes I feel stuck. I need time away just to clear my head and stop being so afraid, but then I think of reality and I think wait a second, we live together away from our folks and freinds, where the hell would I go? Where would he go? We're both in NY and our family lives out west. ..

I will try anything. The problem is the realistic daily life routine seems to be blocking that. If we need time apart, we both work, we both are totally dependant on each other, we have one car - we are married in more ways than one. And I cant find how to breathe to save us.
 
like i said, Talk.you'll have to learn how to ''live on your own''. its a rude awakening for some, others adapt real fast. my wife didnt know what to think when i did the dishes,laundry, cooked,cleaned,did the bills etc.i was in your shoes once with the ? hanging over my head. i went with what my heart told me, i moved away from the young lady, and it was the best for both of us. but like i said, the first step is the hardest, its called baby steps. talk to your parents, feel them out for some advice, but like i said, if all else fails, follow your heart, learn to be dependant on your own, it builds character.
 
Thanks Tank. :cry: Thats good advice. Heartbreaking, but I need that.

I wish there was an easier way. :( Im tired of being afraid all of the time.

The progress we had actually, was of myself being too INdependant. For as long as I can remember, Ive taken care of myself, and can do it all alone. I know I can - I dont need to try it. Its sharing that with someone and overcoming the fear that its worth it. So far together, he has helped me become completely vulnerable. And THAT is totally foreign to me.

Hopefully I wont adapt to being my own person so well that I wont want anyone at all .. :scared: :(
 
Originally posted by Victoria
Thanks Tank. :cry: Thats good advice. Heartbreaking, but I need that.

I wish there was an easier way. :( Im tired of being afraid all of the time.

The progress we had actually, was of myself being too INdependant. For as long as I can remember, Ive taken care of myself, and can do it all alone. I know I can - I dont need to try it. Its sharing that with someone and overcoming the fear that its worth it.

Hopefully I wont adapt to being my own person so well that I wont want anyone at all .. :scared: :(
Click to expand...
no, i dont think that will happen, because of how you're feeling now.But it sucks telling someone that you need time apart, but it sounds like there is a chance he'll understand, at least for your sake, i hope he does. good luck.
 
Victoria,

I read a book once that basically taught me the difference between wanting and needing. I think it was a big lesson for me and it is a big lesson for people who haven't really thought about it.

When you need something, you will sacrifice anything and everything (including yourself and your well being) in order to obtain what you want. In relationships, this creates the "unhealthy" dependecy you are talking about. You sacrificed your "own" life that shouldn't change regardless whether you are with someone or without someone. When you are in a relationship you have your own distinct lives, you just mesh them together. It seems as if you two have not been able to do that and you have created that "unhealthy" dependency that really makes you lifeless when your boyfriend isn't around. It alters your thinking, state of mind, and personality. You are not the "real" you. You need to find a way to break out of that.

When you want something, you will think about the consequences and make the most logical decision for yourself. You keep yourself in mind and you do not give up the things that are important to you. Your individuality, your hobbies, etc. You will continue to have your "own" distinct life. Notice that when you do this, there is a natural attraction about you that will automatically attract someone to you. You won't have to work as hard. It will come natural. I believe this type of dependency is awesome and is truly amazing.

If you don't feel like yourself, it is probably because you are not doing things that truly make you happy or content. Maybe you should try and do some things by yourself that give you your sense of individuality and make you happy. If your boyfriend loves you as much as he does, he will understand. If you love him as much as you claim you do, then you would advise him the same way and see what happens. You might find a deeper lover for one another. I hope that is the case.

Be strong because these will be some tough times. Be enouraging to one another as well.

Rx.
 
Originally posted by djrx06
Victoria,

I read a book once that basically taught me the difference between wanting and needing. I think it was a big lesson for me and it is a big lesson for people who haven't really thought about it.

When you need something, you will sacrifice anything and everything (including yourself and your well being) in order to obtain what you want. In relationships, this creates the "unhealthy" dependecy you are talking about. You sacrificed your "own" life that shouldn't change regardless whether you are with someone or without someone. When you are in a relationship you have your own distinct lives, you just mesh them together. It seems as if you two have not been able to do that and you have created that "unhealthy" dependency that really makes you lifeless when your boyfriend isn't around. It alters your thinking, state of mind, and personality. You are not the "real" you. You need to find a way to break out of that.

When you want something, you will think about the consequences and make the most logical decision for yourself. You keep yourself in mind and you do not give up the things that are important to you. Your individuality, your hobbies, etc. You will continue to have your "own" distinct life. Notice that when you do this, there is a natural attraction about you that will automatically attract someone to you. You won't have to work as hard. It will come natural. I believe this type of dependency is awesome and is truly amazing.

If you don't feel like yourself, it is probably because you are not doing things that truly make you happy or content. Maybe you should try and do some things by yourself that give you your sense of individuality and make you happy. If your boyfriend loves you as much as he does, he will understand. If you love him as much as you claim you do, then you would advise him the same way and see what happens. You might find a deeper lover for one another. I hope that is the case.

Be strong because these will be some tough times. Be enouraging to one another as well.

Rx.
Click to expand...
:yes: :yes: :)
 
Originally posted by Victoria
Hi guys. I know Im not around much, but Im a loyal IM member, and I really trust your opinions. This may come across as weird, but I really need to talk to people. And it cant be anyone I really "know".

I know this is a bodybuilding site, but I also know you guys will give some sound advice.

:( Im in a rut with my boyfriend of three years. We live together and when we first got together, we had fallen so hard for each other, that we had slowly created our own little relationship where we hardly spend it with anyone at all but each other. Our friends see us as such an ideal couple, never have problems, everything is perfect. But our friends no longer know the real "us" of who we have really become. So I cant talk to them.

Im so paranoid when it comes to love, and distrustful (from past relationships) and I cant help but think that sometimes he is too good to be true. Truly. Like he is the most "ideal" boyfriend, in the sense that he is always considerate, chivalrous, expresses his feelings, breaks down and cries when we fight really bad, and shows his love for me in everything he does.

My trust issues come from within. I feel like he cant be that perfect. I feel like there is somewhere inside him that is a "guy" (sorry fellas) and will always want to be with other women, and always wonder what he's missing out on. When his work sends him on business overnight, I think - wow, what a great opportunity to cheat on me. And then I envision it, and I get angry. My heart hurts and I just dont want to deal with a relationship. period.

He (of course) gets very tired of reassuring me sometimes and I have to swawllow my fears and get a grip, but my paranoia is becoming unbearable. He is going away on business for a weekend meeting. (who the hell does that?) and all I can think is, a weekend meeting? Who would schedule a wweekend meeting? What a perfect excuse if he was doing something behind my back.

The problem is, Im depressed. because I feel like If I have nothing to worry about, Im self-distructing myself. And if I do have something to worry about, I want to know about it now. (Even though he always says I have nothing to worry about).

Im beginning to feel like even though we are soulmates, I will be happier alone. Does anyone ever feel like this? Ever? And how the hell do you reassure yourself when this is your own battle within?

Any advice would truly do me wonders right now. :(( thanks.
-V
Click to expand...

K i am gonna be the brutally honest chick i am...i am also going to comment on the first post you made so please excuse me if i duplicate things that people have already said.

Relationships arent or shouldnt be about blamming one person or the other, they are about two people coming together to love eachother. However if one person neglects to grow or mature while they are together they will become confused, sad or even jealous. Someone i love explained it to me like this...what happens if two oak trees are planted at the same time right beside eachother, one tree is watered and cared for while the other just tries to live without growing or? the one tree will grow so high that it will block the sun and take all the nutrients fro the other...they will out grow the other.
I believe that the BIGGEST issue with couples is that they fail to grow as individuals and take care of themselves for eachother. T
I believe that the only reason you dont trust him is because you dont trust yourself and your feelings. The only person that can make this relationship work is you. Learn how to express and deal with your emotions instead of hiding them and ultimately you will get that loving relationship back.
Life is like school, you take courses in life and if you learn from the courses you take you move on, if you fail to learn from mistakes you make, you will inevitably have to retake the course.
Get my drift ;)
There is love there so fix yourself and find out why you are insecure in your relationship/life. Once you do you can be happy as a couple as well.
I think that there are too many "he's" in this post...when really it sounds like he is taking care of himself for you...now its your turn to take care of you for you and then you for him :D
PM me if you want to talk more... i have been through alot and am thankful for it...try to learn from others mistakes before you make them yourself.

-jenny
 
dj and i always bloody think and write about the same things at the same time...so stop dj your freakin me out :D
 
Originally posted by djrx06

You sacrificed your "own" life that shouldn't change regardless whether you are with someone or without someone. When you are in a relationship you have your own distinct lives, you just mesh them together. It seems as if you two have not been able to do that and you have created that "unhealthy" dependency that really makes you lifeless when your boyfriend isn't around. It alters your thinking, state of mind, and personality. You are not the "real" you. You need to find a way to break out of that.
Rx.
Click to expand...

This is exactly how it is. And whats ironic is I thought this was "giving" yourself to someone. To become 100% vulnerable to them and to not hold anything back. I think somewhere along the lines of giving myself entirely, I gave up my whole sense of "me". I think we did that wrong.

When I am with other people I am "me", even when we are together. When I am alone with him, or alone period, my thought run wild. Its as if Ive trapped myself in my mind and Im afraid to even walk the other direction for fear of.... something. ?

Deep down I know I have to become my own person again. We talked about this as well. And I have almost packed up my things to give us a break. have I? no. Could i? I dont know. If I could i feel as if I would have already.

We are so selfish with each other. The last time I told him I wanted to breathe, he broke down and cried and told me that he cant understand why I even feel like this. That he will do whatever I want, but he will never understand why I feel the way I do when all he has done is try to prove how he feels for me.

And then I feel as if Im hurting him and I stay.

I feel like I know what I have to do, but its as if I cant get that first push. Its like I cant. I can, but I feel like there is no way.
 
IML Gear Cream!
Sounds like he is just like you!
 
Victoria ------ We are here to help :D

Tank316 ----- Good Posts Tank...... Spreading the knowledge.

J'bo ---- :cheeky:
 
I dont think that leaving is the answer. Find yourself and take time for yourself and make sure that you are open and let him know what you discover about yourself and how your feeling.
 
Re: Re: I need some serious relationship advice.

Originally posted by J'Bo

I believe that the BIGGEST issue with couples is that they fail to grow as individuals and take care of themselves for eachother. -
Click to expand...

This is what we do. We get mad at each other because we put ourselves out for one another.

Like, (just a small example) - and i know im really putting my life out there people, sorry if this is getting way too personal - but im trying! - - Like, I wont cook chicken for dinner (thought I love it) because I know he likes steak better, but later on that night he complains that we should have had chicken because he's tired of steak. and Ill get mad because he doesnt "appreciate" what I did for him. You know? In truth, would have totally enjoyed the chicken. But because I made myself "him" and didnt even ask, I blew it all out of proportion. and Vice versa.

Its a small example, but its how we are together now. I know what you mean about the tree thing. I just feel like with the nitty gritty part of love - getting all down to it - we are on two different levels. Like on a totem pole he is at the top and sees nothing but the two of us together forever and thats that. Im only halfway up because even though I would love to see us together forever, I am still being blinded about the "what ifs" of life and too busy looking down that all I could think about is falling off.
 
just a ? but how old are you two?

i went through the same thing...my ex and i of 5 years split because of the "what if's" turned out that we are the best of friends now. however i think that if i had to do it over i would have tried to work on myself becoming a stronger more independant person before i left him.
btw nothing is too personal for me.
i always cooked what he loved because it was how i showed him i loved him, however you have to look at the way he would like to be shown love. comprimise but dont comprimise who you are.
 
Originally posted by Victoria
This is exactly how it is. And whats ironic is I thought this was "giving" yourself to someone. To become 100% vulnerable to them and to not hold anything back. I think somewhere along the lines of giving myself entirely, I gave up my whole sense of "me". I think we did that wrong.

When I am with other people I am "me", even when we are together. When I am alone with him, or alone period, my thought run wild. Its as if Ive trapped myself in my mind and Im afraid to even walk the other direction for fear of.... something. ?

Deep down I know I have to become my own person again. We talked about this as well. And I have almost packed up my things to give us a break. have I? no. Could i? I dont know. If I could i feel as if I would have already.

We are so selfish with each other. The last time I told him I wanted to breathe, he broke down and cried and told me that he cant understand why I even feel like this. That he will do whatever I want, but he will never understand why I feel the way I do when all he has done is try to prove how he feels for me.

And then I feel as if Im hurting him and I stay.

I feel like I know what I have to do, but its as if I cant get that first push. Its like I cant. I can, but I feel like there is no way.
Click to expand...

Look at the BOLD statement. That is the key phrase in your entire post. As much as you love someone else, you shouldn't sacrifice yourself entirely. From those words I can tell you are doing that. This is the time to be selfish. In the end, you will be the one who takes care of you. It is nothing to be ashamed of. You need to realize that you cannot depend on someone else for your happiness. It doesn't mean you have to leave him but it means you need to find time for yourself. You need to get yourself straight for yourself not for your relationship. When you straighten yourself out and do the things that truly make you content, I bet things will get better.
You boyfriend must do the same thing in order for this to work. You each want to have that "healthy" dependency. It will take some patience and work but it CAN BE DONE.
There is always a way, you just have to look inside yourself.

Note: When you give yourself to someone, it doesn't mean sacrificing your well-being for them. It means having your own distinct lives but living them together. That's the "healthy" way. You can give yourself to someone but the key is still being your "true" self.
 
He is 27, I am 25. Sometimes I am grateful that we just been living together for three years. We have known each other for 7 years, and its amazing what you find out about yourself when you live with someone like that. No matter how much you know a person, its amazing how different you can both become when you are practically married. On the upside- I think that if we can get through THIS, we can get through anything. because nothing is more worse in this world that ruining something that means the world to you. :(
 
Maybe you just need to ligthen up and enjoy what you have. By you worrying about his honesty you are basically spitting in the guys face every single day of your lives, that is negativity for the both of you.

Not everyone is a scumbag, lighten up and give him a chance since he has done you no wrong. I think after 3 years you would see a reason to mistrust him if there was one. If you wont trust a decent guy, you wont trust anybody - would you rather be with a dipshit because you dont have to worry that he might be hiding something?

As for time apart, it should allow both parties to find out what they truly want.
 
Originally posted by djrx06
Look at the BOLD statement. That is the key phrase in your entire post.
Click to expand...
See what confuses me is that I dont know if I want to leave because I "should", or if I want to leave because Im running away from fearing thoughts in my mind.

One one side of the scale, I think taking time apart will help us both appreciate each other and ourselves - and the other side, I think taking time apart will be the cowardly way out. I can be a big stubborn ass. Where I will grow horns just to prove to myself that I can live without him. Unnecessarily.

Im still a mess just for having these uncontrollable thoughts and insecurities. But I have narrowed a couple things down from everyones help. I need to find out how to find myself without changing my living quarters (realistically), and not running with the wind.

Maybe all these business trips will do us good?
 
Originally posted by Mudge
If you wont trust a decent guy, you wont trust anybody
Click to expand...

:cry: it would be nice if i could get a grip. a PERMANENT grip. i need to be hypnotized.
 
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