• 🛑Hello, this board in now turned off and no new posting.
    Please REGISTER at Anabolic Steroid Forums, and become a member of our NEW community! 💪
  • 💪Muscle Gelz® 30% Off Easter Sale👉www.musclegelz.com Coupon code: EASTER30🐰

The rain continues to fall...

KillerAbz

Registered
Joined
May 10, 2004
Messages
173
Reaction score
0
Points
0
Age
42
Location
No place a true "home" yet, still searching...
IML Gear Cream!
39.jpg


SaatchiReady.jpg


Outside it couldn't be more dark or more muggy, thank god I flew straight inside and into a building before any real damage occured. Tanya told me that it is supposed to storm later on today, which I of course believe considering the outside view. The moment I bring back new flowers or plants it seemingly rains straight away. I wish I were in London, if the rain is anything like here in New Jersey I would have little troubles switching over. The wax museum over there is where many people are, tourists, so it would perhaps prove a bit difficult to go in peace. Maybe in time I can convince them to open it up late at night once everyone has fallen to sleep so I can walk around myself. I remember the last time I was there something haunting happened to me, never anything that is far from my path. I had seemed to step off at the wrong opening and wound up on a floor before it had opened, it was very strange. The entire room that witheld government officials, great spirits from the past, and of course with it being in England, images of the Royal Family. I was in there by myself. I remember the carpet being a deep rose color with little gold dots which I loved because gold is my favorite color of them all. I remember there being no sounds at all aside from the fan churning above making it almost eerily cold. It is quite a big room and all of the wax statues are lined up shoulder to shoulder one after the other around the circumfrence. Some of the statues, and I hate using that word, but some of the statues looked far from their actuality, many were almost uncanny. What they all have in common is the looks in their eyes - lost. Horrible dictators of wars, spiritual leaders of peace, world leaders, past presidents, Mother Teresa... such different areas of humanity and yet such similar looks or rather gazes within their eyes. It's difficult explain, it truly is.

I remember once hearing the phrase that "the best way to dismantle a personality is to isolate it". I think that is very accurate.

Last night I stayed up as late as I could before taking my sleeping pills and updated my new campaigns and projects and added them within LABYRINTH. One is called, "The Life And Death Of Compassion". Like everything I do, it is a project relating to humanity, and the extremes to which the element of compassion can go to before almost seemingly ending in certain tragedy. Of course it is only my opinion, but from what I have learned thus far in my life as well as seeing and witnessing it first hand through others, any who take a life of humanity and being a humanitarian are destined to live a life with a tragic ending. Why? Because any loss of a spirit whose ony purpose is to give and heal is like a knife to the stomach because they represent a hope that so few are able to present, especially when times are so troubled. I think most human beings suppose that those who offer such unique gifts in certain magnitudes will live forever. When they being to frail, break down, become ill, they are no longer viewed as a hope because the limits of time or "reality" begin to take their toll. It's amazing to me. People want so much to find that hero or that heroine to offer them some hope and never go away, yet once they begin to become brittle or cracked they continue to watch as if experiencing a car crash first hand. No matter what the cost, they want to consume and consume until their is nothing left to be taken, thus the forced belief in immortality.

I believe in reincarnation, I do. I think that with certain people their true lives actually start once they leave this world. I think that because as I've said many many times, human nature has shown over the years that it's ability for good and bad are so critical, and yet they continue to favor the bad for it's what comes easiest. Not all of course, there are many who have proven and broken through the barriers of judgement to do good, but not enough. This was not my intent to write about this now, this morning, by god we need a little laughter yes?

I was cleaning out this little green bag I have that I have been carrying around with me. I have I believe two Lady Diana books in it, my red walet, some candy canes (sugar tooth at all times, you know me...) my keys for the car on a long red white and blue holder, a letter I got in the postal from a publishing company saying they want to include one of my photographs in a book coming out later this year, obviously a knock off and joke as you can tell the company is only looking for a quick few bucks.

I hope I can find my place, sooner than later. I even sent a letter to an incredibly well known, wealthy man who has his own history of wonderful charities and organizations. I sent it out of desperation. I feel anyone who has any understanding of the "field" as long as I continue to send out my letters, one after the other, eventually someone will get this, see this, what I am trying to do and bite. That's the hope at least. So, I sent it off to him, them, who knows, most likely another void. Maybe he can help show me the ropes and open some doors, why not?

Now the hands are tired, very. This morning I almost didn't make it here. Marley was still nice and smooshy next to my bed, all cozy, but I had to leave to drive out and make it to this place by 8:00 am. Be a ghost. I had a salad the other day with grilled chicken, and I've grown to adore it and wait for it. I will get it today but I need to get some money to pay for it. Other than that, from here, I get finished around 12:45 I go back to the automobile, drive back to the house, maybe stop in quick into the bookstore to just see if there is anything new and then get Marley and rest. I have ab out 3 days lefts now and then the prison is back and the freedom is gone so I will try to soak it up as bad as possible. Then I believe another month or so until I get the free time again. I long for the day when I don't have to live in patches of freedom, counting down the days until the next gap when I can breathe. But now, I have until Thursday evening, so I should soak it up yes? I'll try. The leg isn't hurting now, I pray that lasts, no doctors were around on the weekend, so I toughed it, I still most likely will, it's alright.

xo
 
Last edited:
HUH???
Sorry,was that meant to anybody in particular???
 
No hon, just a general random group of thoughts. I have it all in my journal in that section, but thought I might as well share it here. No worries, it was just something that came out this morning... ;-)
 
Ok,I was simply wondering...:)
 
Thank you for at least being considerate about it and not being cold, that was cool of you, most people would just shoot it down straight away so thanks at least for that.
 
Here's a little Jimi for ya, one of my favs from my fav album
"RAINY DAY DREAM AWAY
LET THE SUN TAKE A HOLIDAY
FLOWERS BATHE AND UH
SEE THE CHILDREN PLAY
LAY BACK AND GROOVE ON A RAINY DAY
WELL I CAN SEE A BUNCH OF WET PREACHERS, LOOK AT 'EM ON THE RUN
THE CARNIVAL TRAFIC NOISE, IT SINKS
INTO THE SPLASHY HUM
EVEN THE DUCKS CAN GROOVE
RAIN BURDENED IN A PARK-SIDE POOL
AND I'M LEANIN OUT MY WINDOW SILL
DIGGIN' EVERYTHING
AND UH YOU TOO

RAINY DAY RAIN ALL DAY
AIN'T NO USE IN GETTIN' UP TIGHT
JUST LET IT GROOVE ITS OWN WAY
LET IT DRAIN
YOUR WORRIES AWAY
LAY BACK AND GROOVE ON A RAINY DAY
LAY BACK AND DREAM ON A RAINY DAY"
 
Hey Maniclion, I loved that, thank you.

Ironic isn't it how they say misery loves company, yet how sometimes when you never had the company to begin with that misery alone seems that much more haunting - and strange.

That made no sense at all, I am writing entirely to much today, here, at my website, I should go out and sit on the deck and read a bit, maybe have my favorite orange sherbert, we'll see, today is not my day at all, just bad all around.
 
you are a very interesting girl Killer, I have to say. You got lots of heart thou, I like that. keep doing your thang girl:)
 
Originally posted by KillerAbz
Hey Maniclion, I loved that, thank you.

Ironic isn't it how they say misery loves company, yet how sometimes when you never had the company to begin with that misery alone seems that much more haunting - and strange.

That made no sense at all...

Actually it does make sense. I think the thing we all have to guard against (or maybe it's better to say "many" instead of "all") is making misery BE our company.

People can become attached to their sorrow and grief and ironically befriend it if for no other reason than that it is familiar...and isolating



Hope your day improves. I'd say have the sherbert. ;) :thumb:
 
(or maybe it's better to say "many" instead of "all") is making misery BE our company.

Wow Nike, that's a truly interesting way of wording that, makes much more sense, thank you for that... I am still saying it over to myself in my head. I think when I say all it just reveals my incredible vulnerability, especially in terms of these types of things, it's a tendency for me to put things into much more "universal context" if you will.

And GR81 thank you, but my name is Jamie Leigh, you can just call me that... but that was kind of you to say, thank you...
 
IML Gear Cream!
Originally posted by KillerAbz
Thank you for at least being considerate about it and not being cold, that was cool of you, most people would just shoot it down straight away so thanks at least for that.
Shoot down random thoughts???No,not I!!!Now I have seen your diary,I do understand what this is all about.You must admit,not knowing the why,who and whatnots,this does look a tad strange.
Not to worry,keep on thinking...
;)
 
Shoot down random thoughts???No,not I!!!Now I have seen your diary,I do understand what this is all about.You must admit,not knowing the why,who and whatnots,this does look a tad strange.
Not to worry,keep on thinking...



Of course, I understand that more than you can imagine, I would be the same way which is why I said what I did and complimented you. Taking the time out to actually read or perhaps understand something that you find strange or out of the ordinary is a gift... Man, think about it. If everyone on this planet just took the time out to actually understand or even if not that, try to find certain reasonings behind others thoughts or personal confusions and then simply talk about it straight away and express it as opposed to heading for a gun or some declaration of war, this world would be a much more peaceful place no? I think so... again, incredibly naive I am sure, but I feel it could be true, I really do.
 
Get in the bath...:)
 
On my way now, I was lost (ironically) listening to my own music, IMAGINE at my website... the words, the words... I wonder if people actually take the time out to understand them and think about what mean in that song. What a song...

Ok, time to run the bath, I'll be back I hope.



Imagine

Imagine there's no heaven,
It's easy if you try,
No hell below us,
Above us only sky,
Imagine all the people
living for today...

Imagine there's no countries,
It isnt hard to do,
Nothing to kill or die for,
No religion too,
Imagine all the people
living life in peace...

Imagine no possesions,
I wonder if you can,
No need for greed or hunger,
A brotherhood of man,
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say Im a dreamer,
but Im not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one.

Writen by: John Lennon
© Bag productions inc.
 
KillerAbz, can you synthesize in a few words for me why do you suffer? What is the main reason? Thanks
 
Deroyo2 your last IM to me:

deroyo2 [7:42 PM]: Making refference to what you said on site!!!
deroyo2 [7:43 PM]: About John Lennon's "Imagine" you asking people to slow down their lifes and think.But yes, if only life was that simple...
deroyo2 [7:44 PM]: Ok I have to go,I may be back...take care.Denis.



I agree with you, it's not.



Vieope, my name is Jamie Leigh... lol.

And no offense to you, but that normally is something I wouldn't share with a perfect stranger. Everyone suffers in their own ways, there is no need to break it down, especially here.... if you are truly interested the answers are ALL within LABYRINTH, but you have to be willing to open up and try to find that out, which most aren't. In any sense, there is a lot that you can't even explain.

Why do you ask? How do you suffer... can you even answer that question with words?

I can't... it's all emotion and feelings. Nothing would come close.
 
Originally posted by KillerAbz
Why do you ask? How do you suffer... can you even answer that question with words?
One of the reasons why I get sad is because it is so hard to find "strong" people. We need winners, we need more happy, smart and successful people out there. Of course that I don´t like to see that people are suffering but if I can´t help, why should I be sad? Most of my friends are feeling sorry for everybody and saying how horrible the world is. That is not productive.
Life can be great if everybody knew how to live it.
 
One of the reasons why I get sad is because it is so hard to find "strong" people. We need winners, we need more happy, smart and successful people out there. Of course that I don´t like to see that people are suffering but if I can´t help, why should I be sad? Most of my friends are feeling sorry for everybody and saying how horrible the world is. That is not productive.




Yet again, another beautifully written and expressed viewpoint.

I agree with you on that as well on many levels, of course.

I don't know to tell you the truth. Perhaps if I knew I wouldn't be experiencing it. And again I should say, it all did start with a broken heart, but seemingly after that things went downhill fast and on a much larger scale, so I suppose the lack of time to even come up for breathe has caused it. I have never truly known real freedom so that is another thing... ever, it's been a fight since day one (always on my own, but it was alright since I am such a private person I only needed one person) so that quest has taken a huge toll... there's just a lot, but I can't explain it in words again, it's just in my heart, it's beats abnormally hard right now for many different reasons, theres just much pain happening in there right now.
 
Freedom is a subjective concept as all of our emotions. That is what makes it so hard to find what happiness really is. I am often depressed because I don´t even know what I want anymore.
You don´t know what makes you sad, I don´t know what makes me happy. :)
 
A smart man once sung...

"If you want to view....Paradise
Simply look around and view it..."
 
IML Gear Cream!
Happiness,is a choice that YOU MAKE,you are,or you are not.
I agree that surrounding circumstances may make the road to happiness hard to reach,but it is still YOUR choice.
If a person chooses to spend every second of their life,worth living,how can they not be happy???
 
Originally posted by KillerAbz
there's just a lot, but I can't explain it in words again, it's just in my heart, it's beats abnormally hard right now for many different reasons, theres just much pain happening in there right now.

Just look at it this way, that just means you are doing something right!

Originally posted by Dero
Happiness,is a choice that YOU MAKE,you are,or you are not.
I agree that surrounding circumstances may make the road to happiness hard to reach,but it is still YOUR choice.
If a person chooses to spend every second of their life,worth living,how can they not be happy???

Dogg, its not that simple. You can choose to be happy all you want, but if you are in the gutter its not always as simple as a choice. Don't you think that everyone would be happy if it were simply just a choice? Why wouldn't you choose happiness for gods sake?! It ain't that simple.
 
Sometimes it takes those rain drops
to wash away your tear drops
clearer vision comes when it finally stops
without rain there'd be no rainbows or puddle hops
step outside and enjoy as each one plops
down on your sweet head and soaks your locks
 
gr81

I have to agree with both you and Dero. I believe it IS a choice, just easier for some.
 
Without this turning to much into an Oprah transcript or concept for an upcoming show... (trying to keep a bit of levity here, I will say these few things on what other people wrote...)

Happiness, is a choice that YOU MAKE,you are,or you are not. I agree that surrounding circumstances may make the road to happiness hard to reach,but it is still YOUR choice.
If a person chooses to spend every second of their life,worth living,how can they not be happy???


This is perhaps the thing that I disagree with most. Not in the sense of what your opinion is on it, anyone can feel and believe what they choose. What I find an instant distinct difference with, is that for me, in my gut and in my heart I feel that their shouldn't be a road to ANY destination period - even happiness. Why? Because you are constantly fighting, struggling, forcing your way to something which you believe once you reach that point, the point of "happiness" then nothing else will be bad anymore, essentially no more rain. I don't believe in that, I've never believed in that. I understand that (for me at least) there is no specific destination - there are millions. Maybe that has to do with my constant ambitions being "larger than life", because I see settling as giving up. I see people thinking they've got life beat or out smarted are living in a world of illusion... but then as I say that I realize it makes me sound hypocritical because I love dreams, I love magic, illusion, escapism... hell, I created my own little world away from this one called LABYRINTH (my website) because within that world I can at least find some elements of true expression, I can feel safe, not scared anymore, I can have privacy, be left alone, and most important to me, say and do thing to help people through compassion, love, and passion. It's a tangled web I know.

I am just so ready to start REALLY living my life, that where I am now, in this attic like Anne with her little website, her diary, those dreams, achieving the things I have achieved yes truly humbling, inspiring people to get aware of breast cancer, open up, love, care, don't judge, seem not good enough because look at me, I am still in such a horrible way, I don't have a true home to call my own, a feeling of safety, and these things are so basic. It just seems a cloud is hanging and it's now suffocating me. I have reached out to some truly huge people who I thought would be able to see my situation and led a hand... wonderful people in the humanitarian field, in London, England, in countries that I only dream of visiting...

I find those billionaire people who despite their wealth have also chosen a path of giving back, and write them sharing my intentions, my hopes, in the hope again that maybe they could offer a suggestion for me on a road to take, on a person to contact, on a project to create... just anything to help me get finally out of this place and turn these words and inspirations into an even bigger scale so I can begin...

I know I use large words, but the hopes are so basic and simple, thus the sadness and frustrations... I just can't seem to win in this case, perhaps no one knows what to make of me no matter what connection they may have in a field I want to live in and make my "lifes work" if you will... Maybe I am just to eccentric that there is no "one person" who could help. But I think there is, I truly do, thus why I keep hoping...

Does any of that make sense?
 
Man, why am I am always like this...

I write things like that, such idealistic, naive, seemingly childish dreams and these visions of mine and then once I publish them for the world to see or I think back at what I said I always feel this feeling of ridiculousness... Things are just so dark right now and it's starting feel like a complete waste of time since nothing has materialized for me. I am not in London, I don't have a home, I am not going out on humanitarian missions, I do not have my animals, my privacy, my feelings of safety and hope back... I have to return to where I am now in this dreary state, going to a computer institution to "career build" myself for come November I will get a job in the "real world". Every morning I do it, I am getting called in and told not to be silly, not to smile to laugh because it is distracting others who are paying thousands to get their "career training" for a year... this is not where my heart is but I have no other choice, and conflicts within these things... I'm just so spent. I don't belong doing this but since nothing else has happened what more could I do? I was trapped and stuck, I am stuck...

Feel free to write this all off as the silly complaints or sadnesses of a girl truly lost and hoping for some miracle or lightning to strike at any moment to save me from this.

The fairygodmother in Shrek, I know she was evil, but she could help me. Anyone could if they could understand what I want to do here... this is just all so so wrong.

Back to the attic.
 
I feel stupid everytime I post, but it fits since I am stupid. :D
 
Dale, I am sure you are not... but you have a great sense of humor that's for sure.
 
Lemme axe a question...

Who gives more, the billionaire who donates tens of thousands of dollars to AIDS research, or the family man who makes $40,000 and goes to the cancer ward on the weekend to cheer up sick kids?
 
Who gives more, the billionaire who donates tens of thousands of dollars to AIDS research, or the family man who makes $40,000 and goes to the cancer ward on the weekend to cheer up sick kids?

Um, both. Giving is giving, caring is caring, no matter how much or how little. If your heart is there and it's out of true compassion, ANYTHING is better than nothing. Why must you even compare? Actually, I can see how you might be someone who might. Everything is competition, including kindess with some people, very sad. Why is that family man you my friend? No offense to you, I am sure you are a dear, but something tells me it isn't... just a huntch.

A very slick way of seeing if someone is truly for real as opposed to something else, that's a very inventive way you worded that Dale. I think if you have been reading my posts however or visit my website there was no need at all to pose that question. Shame on you.
 
Back
Top