PDA

View Full Version : Funny sex stories...Post here



Flex
12-09-2004, 04:16 PM
I just finished college, so i have a million, although many are kinda hazy since i'm a rockstar and spent many-a-nights blacked out.

Anyhow, what are your funny sex stories? or ones that you've heard?

we're talking TRUE ones people, not ones you made up.

This should be iiiiiiiiiiiinteresting. :eyebrow: :hehe:

Flex
12-09-2004, 04:24 PM
Where to start?

I have over a million, since my buddies were the biggest scumbags alive, but they'll come to me slowly.

I'll start with this one....

My boy finally had sex with this chick he liked who lived next door. As their lying in bed, she asks "since we're probably gonna be sleeping together, i'd like to know how many girls you've been with".

Obviously my buddy is feelign awkward as hell, so he's like "uhhhh, not sure." She asks "over ten?" He says "yes". She asks "over twenty?". He says "yes". She is now starting to get real weirded out and asks, "over thirty?" He says "well, i've been to Cancun". She gets outta bed without saying a word, puts her clothes on, and doesn't talk to him again hahaha.

Flex
12-09-2004, 04:26 PM
Not that funny?

well, there's more.

So my buddy is derailing this other chick in the living room of his college apartment. He has her bent over and doing her doggystyle, when 3 heads poke in through the wall of his living room. (they broke a huge whole in the wall while partying, and covered it with a poster. aparently he didn't know, and wouldn't you know it, the girl from the above story is one of the chicks who peeks in)

da jock
12-09-2004, 10:18 PM
1. Me & my wife had sex sort of standing doggie sex in our claw-foot bathtub /shower last summer. We kept slipping and sliding, when she came her legs sort of gave out and she banged her knees up, when I came I pumped too hard and lost my balance & smacked her head against the wall & bruised my elbow! We should of just jumped into bed.

2. (5 years ago or so) When we were dating we were banging doggie (again) on her couch. I had one leg on the floor & one bent on the couch arm, she had one leg on the flloor & one arm on the coffee table. When we started cumming her arm slipped off the table & she tumbled forward I fell backward. So she was groaning/laughing finishing her self off on the floor & I had shot cum everywhere & banged my head on the floor! We had to clean up before her roomies came back! We laughed hysterically!

3. Just a funny thing. when I was like 13? I jacked off with vaseline, it of course felt awesome! But, it took literally like a week to get my package totally clean again,that stuff never comes off! I was afraid somehow someone would find out my dirty secret!!

Mudge
12-10-2004, 07:06 AM
One of my favorites was a guy talking about slipping in the shower while trying to have sex and falling through a glass door.

Mudge
12-10-2004, 07:08 AM
He says "well, i've been to Cancun".

"...and I took the town, they never knew what..... screwed em..." :lol:

448448
12-10-2004, 07:16 AM
I have these two friends(a couple) they went to cancun, and had a few threesomes. they have had hiv for a few years.

MaxMirkin
12-10-2004, 08:38 AM
I have these two friends(a couple) they went to cancun, and had a few threesomes. they have had hiv for a few years.Damn, that is hilarious!!! :funny:

ponyboy
12-10-2004, 09:35 AM
When I was in school I lived in a frat house on the same floor as a guy that was kind of a freak - he always had these weird goth chicks in and out all the time. One day as I'm walking to the bathroom I hear a voice calling out from his room. I knock on the door and hear a girl's voice quietly asking for help. Opening the door, there is a girl handcuffed to this guys' bed naked - he had gone to class and left her there sleeping chained up! She couldn't reach the key!

Funny thing was she wasn't pissed about being left there. She just needed to go to the bathroom. She was pretty hot too. Freaking weirdos.

Goodfella9783
12-10-2004, 09:44 AM
I went to the movies with a buddy and his girlfriend to see the movie "Phone Booth." In the middle of the movie he gets the idea he wants to bang his girl right there in the seat next to me. So he asks my permission first (what a nice guy), and of course I'm not gonna cock block. So he and his girl then go at it in the seat next to me in a half full theater. Don't ask me how they didnt get caught.

ALBOB
12-10-2004, 04:01 PM
When I was in school I lived in a frat house on the same floor as a guy that was kind of a freak - he always had these weird goth chicks in and out all the time. One day as I'm walking to the bathroom I hear a voice calling out from his room. I knock on the door and hear a girl's voice quietly asking for help. Opening the door, there is a girl handcuffed to this guys' bed naked - he had gone to class and left her there sleeping chained up! She couldn't reach the key!

Funny thing was she wasn't pissed about being left there. She just needed to go to the bathroom. She was pretty hot too. Freaking weirdos.

Come on, you didn't blackmail her? "Sure bitch, I'll unlock the cuffs......................for a price." And don't even try to tell me she was too ugly. You were school age and she had a heartbeat. (At that age, if it's been too long, even the heartbeat isn't mandatory. :rolleyes: )

da jock
12-12-2004, 01:34 PM
As far as things I've seen (I wasn't the one having sex); I was a DJ @ college and was spinning @my best friends frat mixer (for free to meet girls & drink!). Around 4am I was wrapping things up & I noticed a Frat pledge was sitting over in a dark corner on a spent keg with a girl on his lap, figured they were prolly making out/what ever no big deal. A few minutes later they really started thrashing around and I noticed they were actually f**king. Somewhere in somebodies trunk there's a picture of him giving a thumbs up about a minute after busting with her still on his lap & his pants around his knees! Booze & hormones! What a mix!

Carpe Diem
12-13-2004, 02:21 PM
I used to date this girl that liked to go to parties at peoples houses and have butt sex in thier bedrooms. One night we had snuck into someones bedroom for the usual when she only had a little Ky jelly left in her tube. It wasn't going well so I looked for somethig that might take the place of the KY.

I saw this big container of clear looking gel setting on the counter so I grabbed a handful of it. It worked fine for a couple of seconds then she started squirming and then finally going crazy.

The stuff I had used was hairgel and it had Alcohol in it as a drying agent.

We left right away and when we got to her apartment I went into the other bedroom to wash the stuff off my dick. My package had dried to my underwear and I had to tear it off like a big bandage.

ALBOB
12-13-2004, 02:25 PM
My package had dried to my underwear and I had to tear it off like a big bandage.

Ummm..........what to say?...........ahhhhhhh..............what to say?...........errrrrrrr..............what to say?..................hmmmmmmm.................... .....FUCKING OUCH!!! :eek:

ponyboy
12-13-2004, 05:34 PM
Come on, you didn't blackmail her? "Sure bitch, I'll unlock the cuffs......................for a price." And don't even try to tell me she was too ugly. You were school age and she had a heartbeat. (At that age, if it's been too long, even the heartbeat isn't mandatory. :rolleyes: )

I think I was too weirded out and kind of disturbed. Tends to be a turnoff. Her "boyfriend" also probably had every STD known to man and I wasn't going near anything he touched with a ten foot pole. Plus I tend to not be into raping defenseless women. I think they are all good reasons. :rolleyes:

Vieope
12-13-2004, 05:47 PM
Hot goth handcuffed naked women on bed and you did what pony? :lol:
You should have seduced her. Btw she was completely naked or she was under a sheet?

JLB001
12-13-2004, 06:22 PM
I used to date this girl that liked to go to parties at peoples houses and have butt sex in thier bedrooms. One night we had snuck into someones bedroom for the usual when she only had a little Ky jelly left in her tube. It wasn't going well so I looked for somethig that might take the place of the KY.

I saw this big container of clear looking gel setting on the counter so I grabbed a handful of it. It worked fine for a couple of seconds then she started squirming and then finally going crazy.

The stuff I had used was hairgel and it had Alcohol in it as a drying agent.

We left right away and when we got to her apartment I went into the other bedroom to wash the stuff off my dick. My package had dried to my underwear and I had to tear it off like a big bandage.
:haha: :funny:

UrinalCakeEater
06-25-2008, 10:04 PM
just the other night i was with my boyfriend. i think we all know where this ones headed. oops :callme:



so, where was I? i invited my boyfriend over for some candle lit dinner and a raunchy dick session. and let me tell you, we were in for a surprise. we started with dinner and a bubble bath. then we turned on some music (the new nickleback) :thumb: needless to say, that led to some finger banging. he got me off once or twice just doing that. oh man! then we headed to the mall. i needed a comforter on my new bed. so we went to jc pennys. we were looking at the sheets when we saw a display bed. and right at that moment the new nickleback came on the loud speaker. the song was "photograph". no joke. my dick started to tingle a little bit. we ran hand in hand and jumped on the bed. we got in another fingerbang session that led to duel man explosions all over the place. boy, was it hot? me oh my.:p



the next day i missed my period. and now we are both 7 months pregnant :clapping:

tallcall
07-05-2008, 05:57 AM
just the other night i was with my boyfriend. i think we all know where this ones headed. oops :callme:



so, where was I? i invited my boyfriend over for some candle lit dinner and a raunchy dick session. and let me tell you, we were in for a surprise. we started with dinner and a bubble bath. then we turned on some music (the new nickleback) :thumb: needless to say, that led to some finger banging. he got me off once or twice just doing that. oh man! then we headed to the mall. i needed a comforter on my new bed. so we went to jc pennys. we were looking at the sheets when we saw a display bed. and right at that moment the new nickleback came on the loud speaker. the song was "photograph". no joke. my dick started to tingle a little bit. we ran hand in hand and jumped on the bed. we got in another fingerbang session that led to duel man explosions all over the place. boy, was it hot? me oh my.:p



the next day i missed my period. and now we are both 7 months pregnant :clapping:

Stop teasing me!!! :lick::lick::lick:

Smooth=1
07-14-2008, 04:25 AM
hahaha, some of the post are hilarious...

Akon84
07-19-2008, 12:18 PM
some good stories here lol

MCx2
07-19-2008, 12:26 PM
just the other night i was with my boyfriend. i think we all know where this ones headed. oops :callme:



so, where was I? i invited my boyfriend over for some candle lit dinner and a raunchy dick session. and let me tell you, we were in for a surprise. we started with dinner and a bubble bath. then we turned on some music (the new nickleback) :thumb: needless to say, that led to some finger banging. he got me off once or twice just doing that. oh man! then we headed to the mall. i needed a comforter on my new bed. so we went to jc pennys. we were looking at the sheets when we saw a display bed. and right at that moment the new nickleback came on the loud speaker. the song was "photograph". no joke. my dick started to tingle a little bit. we ran hand in hand and jumped on the bed. we got in another fingerbang session that led to duel man explosions all over the place. boy, was it hot? me oh my.:p



the next day i missed my period. and now we are both 7 months pregnant :clapping:

Band name.

HornyChick
05-25-2009, 02:34 AM
1.Was fucking my boyfriend in the ass in his apartment. Then his mom walked in. She joined in.
I was so fuckin' happy that i didnt care and he didn't even notice. When we were finished he and his mom started doin it. I got freaked out and left.
2.New boyfriend. First date. Where in a restaurant and he was freakin' hot. He left for the bathroom and i followed him in. He started doing it doggy style in the mens room. What we didnt no was that the mens room was right next to the kitchen. LMAO.
3. My previous bf's story. Was woken up by someone stroking his dick. It was his 12 year old sister. He through her out of his room and went back to sleep. When he woke up she was riding him.

gordon37
05-25-2009, 09:06 AM
Where to start?

I have over a million, since my buddies were the biggest scumbags alive, but they'll come to me slowly.

I'll start with this one....

My boy finally had sex with this chick he liked who lived next door. As their lying in bed, she asks "since we're probably gonna be sleeping together, i'd like to know how many girls you've been with".

Obviously my buddy is feelign awkward as hell, so he's like "uhhhh, not sure." She asks "over ten?" He says "yes". She asks "over twenty?". He says "yes". She is now starting to get real weirded out and asks, "over thirty?" He says "well, i've been to Cancun". She gets outta bed without saying a word, puts her clothes on, and doesn't talk to him again hahaha.
I'm still waiting for the punchline that was a horror :ohyeah:story

Uba
05-25-2009, 01:59 PM
Hornychick, those are some scary stories. Thats all i have to say about that.

Hench
05-25-2009, 05:03 PM
Hornychick, those are some scary stories. Thats all i have to say about that.

She's a troll.

Gazhole
05-26-2009, 01:06 PM
Once i was fucking this guy in the ass and he turned around and kissed me.

What a fag.

Hench
05-26-2009, 03:24 PM
^^I lol'd

T_man
05-26-2009, 03:25 PM
Once i was fucking this guy in the ass and he turned around and kissed me.

What a fag.

Eww?? he kissed u???

U shuda fucked him up

Linda Sun
07-16-2009, 11:42 PM
Alfred

Alfred was a mistake. My husband and I were running a test and the unexpected results of the test turned out to be Alfred.

I had recently (in 1982), came into my psychic abilities and well, we were running a test on telepathy; that is we were trying to find out if I could read Jon’s mind if he concentrated on a few words and was in another room. I stayed in the living room and he went into the bedroom and tried to clear his mind by going into a light trance. He was to think of one or two words and I was to read them. It didn’t work; and we were interrupted. After trying for about twenty minutes; this ghost comes in the living room and starts to cuss out my husband. He was mad because my husband called him and then wouldn’t talk to him. He just ignored the ghost. Jon, of course couldn’t hear or see Alfred and that made Alfred mad. So he came in the living room and yelled at me. I got the poor dear to calm down. It seemed the two words my husband thought of was Alfred and 1841. Well Alfred is the ghost’s name and 1841 was when he was hung. Anyway he heard and he came.

Alfred is a little person somewhere between four and five feet. He likes to play games and can change his size and shape. He is a way, way, way out of the closet homosexual. Alfred got himself hung by stalking a sheriff’s deputy. Seems Alfred spotted the deputy taking a bath in a pond, and well the deputy was well hung. It was love at first sight for Alfred; unfortunately for Alfred the deputy wasn’t having any of that. After writing many love letters and completely making a pest of himself he was hung on a trumped up charge. Alfred now enjoys being a ghost.


Linda Sonnenleiter

Little Wing
07-16-2009, 11:47 PM
ok, most readable spammer ever? :thinking:

Burner02
07-17-2009, 02:49 AM
Eww?? he kissed u???

U shuda fucked him up
That's what he was um...doing...:booty::dance:then this...:kissu:...:run:

juggernaut
07-17-2009, 04:25 AM
I banged a girl on top of my Volkswagen Rabbit. I didnt know her for 15 minutes and just went for it. I told her I had coke on me and if she wanted she had to fuck me right there. She did.
So I pulled out a bottle of coca cola. She punched me in the jaw and left. The nerve of some people.

kclark634
01-26-2010, 04:26 PM
Yeah you can find a ton of these funny sex stories at the site lastnightinbed

Dark Geared God
01-26-2010, 04:45 PM
Alfred

Alfred was a mistake. My husband and I were running a test and the unexpected results of the test turned out to be Alfred.

I had recently (in 1982), came into my psychic abilities and well, we were running a test on telepathy; that is we were trying to find out if I could read Jon’s mind if he concentrated on a few words and was in another room. I stayed in the living room and he went into the bedroom and tried to clear his mind by going into a light trance. He was to think of one or two words and I was to read them. It didn’t work; and we were interrupted. After trying for about twenty minutes; this ghost comes in the living room and starts to cuss out my husband. He was mad because my husband called him and then wouldn’t talk to him. He just ignored the ghost. Jon, of course couldn’t hear or see Alfred and that made Alfred mad. So he came in the living room and yelled at me. I got the poor dear to calm down. It seemed the two words my husband thought of was Alfred and 1841. Well Alfred is the ghost’s name and 1841 was when he was hung. Anyway he heard and he came.

Alfred is a little person somewhere between four and five feet. He likes to play games and can change his size and shape. He is a way, way, way out of the closet homosexual. Alfred got himself hung by stalking a sheriff’s deputy. Seems Alfred spotted the deputy taking a bath in a pond, and well the deputy was well hung. It was love at first sight for Alfred; unfortunately for Alfred the deputy wasn’t having any of that. After writing many love letters and completely making a pest of himself he was hung on a trumped up charge. Alfred now enjoys being a ghost.


Linda Sonnenleiter

WTF are you smoking?:thinking:

Dark Geared God
01-26-2010, 04:47 PM
True story funkin this hot chick in the ass she tells me to tell her when i'm going to cum. so just before i do i tell her she says cum on my face so. i do and she suck the rest out of my dick..it was cool and sick at the same time. would not take that one home to mom.

doctormomen
01-26-2010, 05:26 PM
:roflmao:

min0 lee
01-26-2010, 05:36 PM
True story funkin this hot chick in the ass she tells me to tell her when i'm going to cum. so just before i do i tell her she says cum on my face so. i do and she suck the rest out of my dick..it was cool and sick at the same time. would not take that one home to mom.
Home to mom for what? To share?

Dark Geared God
01-26-2010, 07:05 PM
Home to mom for what? To share?


THE KEY WORD IS WOULD NOT.. meaning to an exceptable datable lady.

fuck yes meet mom no....:clapping:

GearsMcGilf
01-27-2010, 06:34 AM
Home to mom for what? To share?

Werd! I was banging this chick from behind once and I was all like "I'm gonna cum!" She's like "nonono wait!" and she turns around and jerks me off into her mouth. It was nice. I liked it!

theCaptn'
01-28-2010, 02:14 AM
Werd! I was banging this chick from behind once and I was all like "I'm gonna cum!" She's like "nonono wait!" and she turns around and jerks me off into her mouth. It was nice. I liked it!


I hate pulling out. Even if a bitch says to im all like uhhhhnnngggg take that.

+1

will not pull out for a facial, but will for a swallower - that sucking action makes cumming far more intense

soccerhore
01-29-2010, 06:42 PM
If you like your dick being sucked just meet me!!!!:roflmao:

DOMS
01-29-2010, 06:51 PM
One time i was banging this black girl i met at Wendy's in a Fridays parking lot. But the anxiety of getting spotted plus my Tren abuse caused me to become flaccid. I kept trying to grab the base as hard as i could to keep my junk stiff but after awhile it was rediculous. Then she started asking whats wrong and i had this overwhelming urge to punch her in the face.

The urge to hurt her was enough to get rock hard again. Moral of the story, that night i realized i was a sadist. I now regularly enjoy inflicting some form of pain during sex (Biting, slapping, hair yanking, choking) Theres something about hearing a girl whimper with pleasure/pain that gets me in a frenzy.

You need to author a book.

DOMS
01-29-2010, 06:51 PM
If you like your dick being sucked just meet me!!!!:roflmao:


I might have taken you up on your offer if you knew how to spell "whore."

soccergirl
01-29-2010, 06:56 PM
we might have to meet!!!! sucking is the best thing i do other than sports!!!

theCaptn'
01-29-2010, 07:03 PM
The Capt believes that poster is a male mascarading as a horny wench . . .

. . epic fail

Dark Geared God
01-29-2010, 07:58 PM
:sorry:

Little Wing
01-30-2010, 12:05 AM
this was a dream not real but it's funny and relevant to im. there's a member here that kept us all wondering if he was she or she was a he or a little bit of both. there were also some scary ass threads about women with huge clits so i looked up some pics. not a good idea... soooo maybe these things were weighing on my mind maybe i'm just weird but i'm dreaming along one night and i look down where my pussy was supposed to be and there was a pretty nice cock. at first i freaked out, then i wanted to play with it. i started rubbing it etc and it was visually exciting but i couldn't feel it. it was so disappointing i woke up. :wait:

Best Friend Tim
01-30-2010, 11:18 AM
I sodomized my friend Tim while he vomited into the toilet after Jager night.










Pic's or it didn't happen?






http://img94.imageshack.us/img94/7988/87448286.jpg

pitman
01-30-2010, 03:55 PM
:analsex::fuckdog::adore::owned:
I sodomized my friend Tim while he vomited into the toilet after Jager night.










Pic's or it didn't happen?






http://img94.imageshack.us/img94/7988/87448286.jpg

GearsMcGilf
01-31-2010, 07:42 PM
You should create an account there mate. That's one place you might score some tailpipe! GICH! :thumb:

pitman
01-31-2010, 08:06 PM
:thumb:
You should create an account there mate. That's one place you might score some tailpipe! GICH! :thumb:

Dark Geared God
02-03-2010, 04:06 PM
:coffee:

Dirty Rat
02-22-2011, 03:37 AM
While living in Moscow, I once went on a date with a Russian girl from the provinces. Like many from outside the capital, she had come to the big city to seek a better life and, as she put it, “improve herself”. She insisted on speaking English even though my Russian was much better than her less than stellar English.


One interesting exchange occurred when we walked hand in hand down an alley. A black cat ran across our path.


“Are you not afraid of the black pussy?” she asked.
I thought about it.


“Depends on the pussy, I guess. But yeah, sometimes, terrified.”

Dirty Rat
02-22-2011, 03:38 AM
Back in high school, Jeff, a no-bullshit, tobacco-chewing gun lover, a true man of the Western plains, badly wanted to ball Laura, the perennial homecoming queen. For four solid years, she showed love to everyone but him. Much lesser men than Jeff enjoyed her ministrations. An All-American slut that discriminated against one, and only one.
During a drunken encounter in a bar, when both were home from college for Christmas, he finally got his chance. He didn’t want to ruin the moment, so he ignored the festering bubbles sprouting from her lip like an angry broccoli, freely sucking face with her all night.
A few months later, he too became a proud latent carrier of the Herpes Simplex 1 banner. He damned her to hell and stuck pins in a doll mockup.
After college he saw her at another cocktail event. Both were drunk, both were horny.
This time he woke up with crabs. So much for wisdom coming with age.