a little background. Im a college wrestler. I grew up in a family of big people, big but happy people. I was always big around 180lbs lived a good happy life full of activities and worry free life. then I started wrestling in college. coach made me cut weight, not the healthy way, the traditional cut water weight lose muscle and fat and strength way. I started my sophmore year in college weighing about 175 - 180 with 10 -12% bf im 5 10. I spent all off season getting stronger and stronger and looking the best i have ever looked. now during the season i cut down to 149 to wrestle not my choice. now I am about 157 back hydrated and all and have been trying to bulk for the last month or so. I became bulimic during my wrestling season to make weight i would take laxitives ritually after most meals about ten or twelve pills a week. now im recovering from this.

good news i havent touched a laxitive in over a month, bad news i have lazy bowel sydrome ( look it up Pretty ridiculous thing to have). only the lord knows what other effects this has had on my body but on the physical aspect i have alot of excess skin and look very flabby/ fat/ jiggly at 157 lbs.

the reason i write this is because the bulimic part of me still lives on i want to bulk but i eat a good clean bulking meal and i still feel guilty.

today was my off day from lifting I run a 3 on 1 off 2 on 1 off weekly weight lifting schedule. today i performed cardio light intensity for 30 minutes.

the thing is i am scared to get fat but i really want to put on weight i am looking for some motivation to do this any advice?

I dont like the way i look i feel alot better when i weigh 180 and have my stength and muscle. I am not looking to be cut i just want to bulk any advice will be great.

Has anybody ever gone through this before? what should I do


my daily cals are around 3000-3500. i eat high protein good fats and complex carbs except for fruit and the little bit of ice cream i just had. my diet is fairly clean, but not spot less i eat 8 times a day. i follow everything that i have read but i feel like im gonna get fat, this is why i workout every chance i get and have a hard time resting my muscles to let them grow.

but im gonna shut up now i know that this might all be confusing to read and thanks to anyone who read the whole thing and to anyone who has answers or any tips on how to gain some weight but most importantly get my regular life back. thanks