KillerAbz

8.04.04

At the moment, I have Aladdin the film playing in the backround as well as the book straight from Disney waiting for me to read as my own bedtime story before I go to bed tonight. I know all the songs in the movie by heart so I will probably sing them all out loud. I know each and every word. This story is one of my most favorites. Robin Williams as genie is genuis. It's a mythical tale of all tales. I haven't seen this film in so long, and it's one of my favorites, for obvious reasons. It is the one I can relate to the most. It's a story whose characters are exotic, mysterious, and on a search, for acceptance and love. I was sitting outside getting a few small hours of sun to continue the bronze color when a thought entered my mind that I instantly wrote straight away into my small journal. The writing as is always the case with me, is nothing more than scribble. A mix of very childlike writing mixed with upper case letters, a penmanship I still to this day have no idea how I aquired. But few recognize it as mine, and for those I suppose it's a bit of a code. This is what came to me while sitting under the sun. When do your pains and fears or heartbreak pass away? When is their moment of certain death? In the marathon of heartache as well as personal struggles and years of emotional dark caverns without holes of light above, is there always a certain winner, or does the answer sometimes come once your body has already left it's life given here on earth? Once true love is finally found do the pains disappear into thin air never to return again, or do certain ones, notably of heartache, remain with you for as long as you live? If you live to follow your heart and your heart refuses to heal once that which broke it finds itself a bandaide and comes for you, can your still open heart ever truly find a place to call sanctuary, if even only for a little while? Once the great kings and queens have died, they are then said to finally claim their given adulation and recognition for the generous and heartfelt deeds they produced while alive. Why is it though that some spirits never find their certain glory until tragedy has struck? Does it take the death of a life to appreciate truly what life really is about, or is possible to see through those veils despite the pressures of the modern world to discover those jewels while they still have breath? Is the afterlife the born destination for some? Born to work and produce, bleed and gut until the body wears out, and then once in death, finally have it's chance to spread it's wings? Is life after death for some, no matter how many lives are welcomed after, the fate and true gift of those not meant for what harbors currently in a world such as this? Is the beauty of ones tragic life sometimes only ever found in the magnificant light it shines down upon those who will follow in it's path due to their public pains and work after they have long gone and learned not to cross similar paths? Is the fate of an open heart that has been so badly broken and bruised merely an open sky filled with countless stairways that lead to more stairs leading you through obscurity until it has found it's proper door for healing? There is nothing more dangerous than an open heart, but for some of us, the curse and blessing of that opening whether we agree or not, has already crowned itself our given leader and will not budge an inch in it's chosen course no matter what happens to us in the process.



Jamie Leigh Posted Within The Woods Of New Jersey ; LETTERS FROM YOU / EDITORIALS ; Join The JL Mailing List For Exclusives ; AOL IM at handle: xAnAmericanGrrlx ; The Official Jamie Leigh Fanclub ; [ CAFE SHOP AND STORE. Please support and help spread the word and messages behind them. ] ; Wishlist

Jamie Leigh

http://www.jamieleigh.net

Write me at jamieleighdotnet@hotmail.com

"Nothing gives me more pleasure now than being able to love and help those in our society who are vulnerable. If I can contribute a little something, then I am more than content."

http://www.jamieleigh.net/new2.jpg

KillerAbz

8.05.04

+

I pay a great deal of attention to people, and I remember them. I look into their eyes and never look away because that's how I can get straight to who they are. I don't like to talk much. The eyes tell the story, sometimes even better than those whose eyes they are can tell it themselves. I get shy often, but if I sense something, I know within minutes what I am looking at. Sometimes, it's my only guide when words are long gone and have travelled far away. I'm not good with conflict, in fact, I'm real bad. I get very nervous and hide away. It's like a child. The child takes over in certain situations, and you need that practical strong hand to help you get through it. A lot of people refuse to need like that, but I welcome it, I appreciate it and I offer it in return, but in those cases, I think it's truly magic when you can find that other voice to fit those missing pieces of your puzzle. They are meant to help you in that way. The system is something I am finding more and more with each passing day to have a great dislike for, but I think we all do. Some just find out the injustices more harshly than others. Either way, it's the same for all. When I have someone to take care of things that happen bad in the real world I feel a sense of home and family that I've never known, I feel safe, I feel taken care of. So in that sense when I am alone, those problems for me are not an easy thing, especially when they seem to happen over and over again. If I do reach out which is rare, I reach for the wrong people. Sometime I make the same error again and I don't know why, desperation maybe, again that childlike quality of believing in surprises and miracles, but it's not good to do, and I am fighting hard to beat that with each passing day until I find the right true one to go to who I know will be there. That in and of itself I realize is another journey for most people. Not an easy thing to attain. I reach for the ones who have inflicted pain, it's a virtual crossfire, but after I recognize my grave mistake in that and refuse to repeat that again, I learn from it, it's not good at all. I simply withdraw and never bother ever again. Since then I have no one else, I keep it to myself within where I know for a fact it will be safe. That is when it gets difficult because no matter where you turn, there is someone with whom has hurt you, even if you can count them all on one hand. It's not easy for anyone. That is what I am working to the bone for right now, I can't stop, it's my only chance. That destiny, that path that I feel I was meant to be and do but still is so foggy due to lack of guidance from those who can understand, has proved blinding. So yes, I am a workaholic. If I don't do it, nothing will get done, so I push and push and push, and push myself hard. I understand I am naive and the heavy emotion at times which stands as my only tree to hold onto causes this, but it's why I appreciate so much for those who offer so little. I seem to sting badly from the things most find so easy to throw away, discard, lack concern for. I have compassion to the extent of forgetting myself because it's all I've ever known and it's natural for me, none of it is forced or for show. In that case though, you are outnumbered and you get squashed on real easily. The simplest of things can crush your heart in an instant that most have hearts of steel with. Mine is very thin, it can only take so much. I guess you could parallel it to a metaphor of screaming at the top of your lungs and no one even bothering to look up. If they did they would only judge you or misunderstand your intentions, or worse, even bother to ask what is wrong. I see that so much which is why maybe I am always the first to show compassion, because it's what I've never known. It's strange the more you think about it. How can you feel something so strongly you have nothing to draw directly from? I suppose the greats in history who overcame such dramatic struggles and fights can echo this, in that the more injustice and intolerance and ignorance they themselves faced, the more they were forced to see just how oblivious those who never had to face such things could write them off like nothing. Mandela, Malcome, Martin Luther, they were all loners, all outkasts in society in some form. They went from such deep sorrow and discard to becoming the greatest voices for humanitarianism and peace the world has ever known. I know how you can use a photograph to transmit a message, I am keenly aware of this. I've tried to do that, but nothing I've done holds a candle to what others have done before me. In fact, I wouldn't even consider anything I did of particulary strong merit. When I see suffering though, I can't look away - ever. In fact, I am drawn to that. It pulls you in. Aside from with me of course, but I think the reason I do that is because I have yet to see any signal of hope or belief that it will end, so I have given up being drowned within myself, it's just to much at this point, so, I try as much for the world as I can, and then once that's over, it's done. I get embarrassed when people put me on a pedestal. It's not right. It's not what I do any of this for, or what I hope to do which I want to extend far beyond this silly horrid little state in America. It's time for me to break away from here, it needs to happen fast. I think the more people knew they could give something back, the more people would do it, but people just have no idea how to do that, so they don't. If anything is uncommon or out of the ordinary, again, they run. I can't run because it's all I've ever known. It's the other things most of the demographics are conditioned to do that I've never learned or had taught to me, and I am glad. But this is hard. I will run to anyone who calls to me in distress, wherever it is, even strangers, yet when it's my case there is never anyone. It's a hard thing to grasp, but I suppose to feel you are alright as long as your character stays together and then maybe something else will come along one day. But I don't deny it gets terribly lonely and often helpless especially when the real scary things happen and you are at your most vulnerable. The give an take happens with me a lot. Although you do carry a lot of great sadness within your heart, you retain a humility and humbleness that never ever goes away. You are forever changed each time you go through something because it carries emotion full stop at high speed and full force, something that most people hide away from. For me, I simply have no choice, it's always there and will always be that way. Today I got hurt on my head very badly in an impact crash. Even though I was hurt I didn't care. I wanted to make sure everyone else around me was doing alright, that they were ok, that they weren't nervous or uncomfortable. One of the men with the lights shining in my eyes was real old, I was worried because of the heat if he was alright, he was, he said I reminded him of his wife when she was still alive. He lost her in a plane crash many years ago. She was his greatest love of all time, and the only reason he continues to live on today, to honor what she gave him, hope. He wears her photograph in a locket around his neck. She was a nurse. He volunteers with the other emergency men. The need to feel loved, to feel special. It's a need in all of us, to feel special, for no matter how long, or to who, or for what reasons. It's something that we allow to control us our entire lives. I can't say that I am not guilty of that, but then again at night when we all lay down, turn off the lights and go to sleep, aren't we all? Maybe one day I'll get to the point where I will be able to find the truth within myself or one other who has found it already within themselves, and wants to continue helping others to find it together and never allow the sadness to haunt me ever again. In the meantime, the artist continues to get their creative fuel. It's in deciding how and what to load and pour it all into for maximum impact that becomes the continuing question of the LABYRINTH.



Jamie Leigh Posted Within The Woods Of New Jersey ; LETTERS FROM YOU / EDITORIALS ; Join The JL Mailing List For Exclusives ; AOL IM at handle: xAnAmericanGrrlx ; The Official Jamie Leigh Fanclub ; [ CAFE SHOP AND STORE. Please support and help spread the word and messages behind them. ] ; Wishlist

Jamie Leigh

http://www.jamieleigh.net

Write me at jamieleighdotnet@hotmail.com

"Nothing gives me more pleasure now than being able to love and help those in our society who are vulnerable. If I can contribute a little something, then I am more than content."

http://www.jamieleigh.net/new2.jpg

KillerAbz

DEAREST DIARY,




FOR THE WEEK DURATION 8.09.04 - 8.15.04






















Jamie Leigh Posted Within The Woods Of New Jersey

Jamie Leigh

http://www.jamieleigh.net

Write me at jamieleighdotnet@hotmail.com

"Nothing gives me more pleasure now than being able to love and help those in our society who are vulnerable. If I can contribute a little something, then I am more than content."

http://www.jamieleigh.net/new2.jpg

KillerAbz

TIME, DATE, YEAR, it's irrelevant in this instance...



There is a very big, very heavy weight within my heart right now. It is something that eludes any and all physical pain that I may be experiencing. The funny left leg, the new nerve trouble which as explained to me is now one still yet to be cured within the medical history books, the car crash… None of it compares or equals in measure to what is happening right now within.

I love someone so much, yet they are not here, and I fear they still don’t realize it. I love them so much that because of their absence, I am lost. Pure and simple. It is difficult for me to explain, to comprehend, to justify what I feel within these limits of the spoken word. No matter what language I try to convey it, be it visual image, sound, the image and beauty of silence and mystery, the notion remains the same.

I am writing this on paper right now, the pages within my journal, one of so many, but I am writing it here because it’s coming out and I can’t stop it, and this needs to be said and not forgotten. Sometimes it comes out easier here, in thought, in verse, it pours out of me like ice cold water being poured over someone’s head from a giant wooden bucket.

I am probably going to begin crying as I continue to write this and then present it out there, to this world, to this dear void… but I won’t hold back. It’s all a part of it – a part of me. You need to feel this.

I love someone so much, so unconditionally, that even to see this in words in front of my eyes is killing me. It’s killing me because if you could only imagine the emotion and the feeling that is behind these lines and curves, you would begin to shake.

I love someone so much that my life as of right now at this very moment in time is hurting my heart so deeply. If they only knew. I pray that they do know because I have tried so hard with what I have, with what I can, with all I can give to properly express how I feel. But still for several reasons, I am not sure if the message has been truly received. God, if they only knew. If they could only feel this in the true degree that I am. If the emotion and magnitude of this could only be so perfectly captured. Maybe because of it’s intensity there is simply no way to come close to recreating it because that is what makes it so true – it just can’t. I’m trying so hard, I am. Despite my own doubts, in my heart I believe that they do know. I pray to god they know. They know. I’m just not complete. Like a blind girl walking around an old abandoned town with her arms stretched out iron straight in front of her counting the steps she takes to reach each new location… she’s waiting for the moment when out of no where, from the darkness, from behind, that hand comes back, comes out, and grabs her. Then, although always the ability to see and view things like no other – she now sees. I’ve tried to do anything I could, anything, but my heart refuses to lead me somewhere else.

I have shared this story with people from all around the world. Every country, every religion, every story and history, every heartbreak, heartbreaker, every loss, every gain, every age, every language, and they have all come to the same resolution. I even at times took the position of the other, took the angle and perspective of the opposite and still – the same home I come back to. That must mean something. I was born and came alive – finally. Finally the moment you showed me you cared and opened up your heart, the beauty, the compassion, kindness, and gentleness that was within your heart, it became the only light I saw in a very clouded world. No matter how foggy or how many clouds were hovering above, your light, no matter how distant or how at times faint, was the only thing I needed to feel everything was going to be ok. For the first time in my life I felt finally free. That was it for me. It’s not to say I have not felt pain, confusion, silence – I still do. But the one thing I have never done, is doubt who I love the most, more than anyone else in the entire universe… I search, and search, and search, and search, and one name continues to pop up - …..

I feel like I am an anchor tied to a massive thick rope hanging over the side of a giant luxury yacht, hooked on and gasping for it’s chance to let go – just let go. But then when I find what it is that the hook is latched onto, I find something I never imagined – I find love. I find home. I find… you.

This story has been shared, secretly, quietly, privately, emotionally, creatively all around the globe. Different continents, different races, I never once was selective in my yearning for advice, interpretation, for contemplative translation… for hope. The backgrounds, the histories, the loves, the breaks… they could not have been more diverse or more different. I have gone to them ALL. Gone with an open heart, and open mind and empty soul, and they have all returned united and formed a harmony that can only be described as – unconditional true love. All angles, all sides, all ups, all downs, and the verdict is in and my heart knows the answer. But, that answer is of right now only within my heart… deep inside, safe. Safe where I can protect it and keep it private for me away from a world where although in great pain and screaming longing for their voice to be heard and just isn’t… I still love it so very much. I do.

There is the world, the stars, the planets, the universe, and then dispersed all within that are pieces of you. Pieces of me are there to, although now both seemingly floating in space, defying all the common and known laws of gravity, time, and space, remaining distant in each others curved paths in orbit. The funny thing is, the closer I look at my path the more I see just how much of you is within it’s content.

You took me by surprise that you understood. The funny thing was, your guard was finally down as well… Maybe to you it wasn’t noticeable, but trust me – it was. That, is paradise. The heart was finally open. Finally. That is the human condition at its most honest, its most true. That is why I do what I do and why when I feel what I do, I trust it no matter what spears or knives are lunged directly at it. That condition that so very few recognize is what people have fought and died for… that honor, that sense of self, that justice, that peace. It’s a miracle. It’s the one thing that truly can save any of us from the deepest of despair. As I’ve said many times, once the world recognizes the power of love over the love of power, the world will finally know peace. Although naive and innocent in it’s hope… seldom do people realize that it is a statement which when directed at yourself, your own heart, your own life, can become a reality easier than they realize. All they have to do is love. And I did, and continue to...

I used to love hearing your voice. I didn’t care what you said or if you were upset or angry with me, disappointed in something I said or forgot, or started to cry to much like I usually did, or get worried and be nervous, because I loved hearing you. It made me feel so happy inside, so at peace. Everything else just seemed to fade out, and all I heard was you. Hearing from you, although a vast ocean away, made my mornings worth waking up and braving the troubled day that no doubt laid ahead. And then hearing from you again later on, it didn't matter in what form, something so simple, was the only bedtime story I needed to know I’d be safe and could find my dreams as I slept. It didn’t matter that in truth, I was all alone. I never was alone though in my heart. Ever. I never needed anything more than what you were willing to give me. I was grateful and so appreciative of the smallest thing, because I’d never had that before from anyone – not a single person. From animals yes, from those in vulnerable positions, in pain, in hospitals and small rescue rooms… from them it was always there, always unconditional – but that was just one side. The other side, was taken by you. The hole had finally been sealed, and I had finally been healed.

You can tell so much about a person from their voice. Without even giving the sound flesh to dress it, through ones voice you can see straight to their hearts – to their true self. Much like the eyes, there is purity and vulnerability in a persons voice and in their eyes that often tells their story better than even they can. The job is already done and quite often they aren’t even realizing it. You had such kindness in your voice. I always noticed that from the very first instance. I didn’t need to know anything else, nothing. I knew. I felt the kindness, the tenderness, the compassion and the love… most of the time it had nothing to do with me at all. It was connected to other aspects of your life, your past, your present… but I still found it, maybe even before you realized., but I did. Something like that I see so clearly when most look away. I heard something I’d never heard before for the first time in my life. Once you find something like that, you would be a fool to let it go. You keep it and you care for it like a baby bird. Even through the strong winds, you hold it close and protect it since it’s all you’ve got. I felt like I was speaking with an angel. Maybe the angel never did have a human connection, it was something of divinity… perhaps that is the reason it far surpassed anything I had ever known and so it allowed me to unconsciously overlook so much. A mysterious revelation, but one with an instant truth nonetheless.

I was overwhelmed. You called me. No one else did. No one. Did you know that? Did you know how scared, I mean scared I was? That horrible day. You know I’ve talked of being scared so many times, and still do. You know I’ve spoken of when ones own personal history is in and of itself history that years from now young children will look back to in their books and examine, and try to recapture or revisit to get a sense of the emotion, the feeling, the magnitude of it all… You showed you cared, and then… …there you were. There weren’t many before you, you know this. In fact, there was never a sense of family ever… not in the sense that most looking in would not judge as naive, innocent, or not quite of this world… but, they were all I had. But that never mattered to me – I knew when my heart was ready and that it would never steer me wrong. I was skeptical at first, skeptical that one could feel so much for someone so distant, like looking at a painting in a museum from afar yet feeling it’s impact even though you are rooms away… it’s still possible to sense something from so far, to feel it in your gut… but the caution is always there, especially in the beginning. But, in matters of the heart, again... time, space, and any natural laws are completely crushed… they just disappear into thin air. My heart had been pumping and in spite of everything, EVERYTHING – it still didn’t let me down. You made me feel special, for the first time in my life.

I know you told me you’ve had many before. Again though, they were always just words. But because of my heart and what it directed me to do, there was never a need to doubt you, to question you, to suspect… my heart just didn’t care. Even if at times it was bumped a little and got bruised, it keep going… it kept beating. I know you said there was so much… and even right now… I don’t doubt there is one right at this very moment. For me, my heart and it’s continuous journey through all the webs, the locks, the chains, the bars, there is one thing that continues to just not feel the same – because you’re not here. I am so amazed… there is so much right now, and still, still this is all I can think of. Without it, again, I am lost. I just don’t know who I am.

Remember the photograph of the happy jumping puppy? You saw his teeth... It was so sweet wasn't it? That little guy was one of the many I saved that night when a little red dot was ordered that they be killed the following morning. Little babies, killed because there was no room... I couldn't allow that to happen - I wouldn't. And so, I took action. Nothing made me feel happier. Now, he can live the life he was destined to. It's the little things like that which you appreciate, you do... most people don't today, and for that, I always smile. Remember the conversations that lasted countless hours where time totally disappeared and eluded us both? Remember how hard it was for me to have to say goodbye to you when the line eventually died and cut off. It hurt me to put the phone back down on the receiver, I didn’t want it to end. I didn’t want to close off that world, our world… I didn’t want to loose that home. Remember our mirrored silliness and need to play? Remember how you made fun of me for worrying so much about you and your health? Look whos talking right… I know, especially now… ironic isn’t it. I don’t know if you realized it, but I would literally loose sleep because I sensed there was something on your mind, a pain in your heart. The entire time, it was all I thought about and cared about. I just couldn't sleep or even stop this mind of mine from running until I knew you were ok. And now, today, all those around me are aware of it, they know of it, they feel it… it’s grown to something far beyond that of a cinematic storyline… it’s reality. My reality, but not certain of yours. I had a car crash, and I thought of one person… you. What’s wrong with me… I longed for you to trust me and open up to me like you’ve never done ever before in your life… I wanted you to share it all. You tried so hard, so hard... I know you did and still are – I am to. I can probably understand what you were feeling then and even now maybe far better than anyone else in this world. I understand. It’s not easy. You are my best friend, you always have been. You’re my buddy. My best buddy… My Bubba. You were my home, my grass, my sky, and despite the eating sensation right now in my heart – you still are. Nothing has changed.

We would laugh, SO HARD you and I, so hard… and about things so many judged us instantly for. But, we never cared. Never. Because of that, we never ever felt alone. Alone nevermore. You had a family, even if I can remember real hard the possibility of a new one... I was so happy for you, god was I happy... but there was more… more that even you didn’t know, and when you did know I imagined your continued sense of completion, of happiness. I was so happy for you. More happy that maybe you will ever realize. It made my heart happy to know yours would be… if even a little bit. It meant so much to me. You are my family, and when you found more family, I was gaining a family to, if only through spirit. You listened to me cry so hard so many times. About things that people my age should never have to cry about. I was so alone, so helpless, I needed to leave, to be taken away… and even though you could only offer so much, it was all I needed to get through the tears and know they were being heard… I never had that before. Sometimes yes, you were a part of the tears, but mostly not. Either way, you let me cry.

One day much later when I cried out I felt a wall had been put up. It came out of nowhere. Part of me understood it tremendously because I am the same way… I understood the wall… but I couldn’t deny its pain and knife that went straight into a suddenly sinking heart. I was afraid although when before I was heard, this time around, I wasn’t… there was just no way I could tell. At night I prayed for an answer, I thought so much of so many things. I traveled to the end of my being and then back, and still, still could not find an answer. So, I said I was sorry for anything hoping I could feel that sanctuary within you I began to call home – but, your door was shut and locked and I didn’t have the key. I was left outside all alone… once again. I felt strange apologizing for the fact that I was hurting… that… that is the most unimaginable feeling in the entire world… you are crushed. You feel guilty for hurting, for being in pain, for being helpless and the other not doing a single thing to help ease your heart or hold its hand. I felt I had been shot straight in the chest – hard. I couldn’t breathe. There was nothing more I thought I could do, could give… I had nothing more to offer. Then, I collapsed to the ground – literally. I just sat and weeped and weeped for the longest time. It’s continued, but it’s deep in the safety of my broken heart right now and I can hide it well. Very well. But again, the story is known. And despite it being protected to safe right now, it's echo’s are throbbing as we speak. You can feel them, I know you can. If you close your eyes, take a breath and listen – you will hear it. Then, you will find me. Sometimes I made myself physically sick and hurt because I cried so hard… I just hurt to much. But, no one knew, no one else could know, no one could understand… and as to be expected, no one cared. So, it remained my secret.

In time, I tried on different masks. Beautiful ones. Beautifully sculpted masks, which recreated my form and transformed what was hurting on the inside into something of presentation and escapism on the outside. I tried on all kinds of guises. I dove deep into the history books, deep into the greatest spirits and innovators, pioneers, and humanitarians of all time to regain some of that lost hope… I saw myself so much in so many of them… The stories were now more similar than ever before, and because of that, an attachment grew. Writer, lover, preacher, painter, sculpture, magician, politician, oddity, curiosity, entertainer – it didn’t matter. Pieces of me were now seemingly popping up like a road map like I never saw before. I re-invented myself completely from within and without. But no matter what I did or what I tried… much like how ET could not hide the effervescent beating of his bright red heart in the middle of his little chest – mine continued to stick out and hover atop all the rest… even above the LABYRINTH, my very own creation.

There is a distinct reason everything now is black and white. If you take a step back maybe you'll be able to find it... If you look in your heart, the answer is there.

I remember everything. Everything. Every detail, every frame, every emotion. I think of it all. You would be very surprised how and what I think of each and every second of the day…

I think of your family. I think of your little sister and how much I care for her, and pray for her, and hope she is ok even though I’ve never even met her. You told me of her condition, her pain, and I felt that. I feel that in all people even at times ignoring myself. But as with all great humanitarians throughout history have been known to be… without your care and your concern and your genuine love for those around you, you are left without cause, without purpose, without your mission. Their plights are what define you… Those who you love create your identity. They hold your statue strong and tall. I love her because she is a part of you, and you are a part of me. I pray that her pain is eased as much as it can be, even when my own pain seemingly increases over something, something that has gone far beyond the eras of meaning and sense… It’s magic. Whether dark magic or not... it's still magic.

Remember I told you the story of the girl who would walk around the streets in New York on stilts following September 11th obviously struggling to move around and get to where she needed to go. She was all alone and yet she was still pushing herself so hard… I never spoke to her one on one, but I saw her from afar. I knew she was hurting, and I knew she needed help but she wouldn't dare disturb anyone to ask for it. I am the same way. My heart wanted to help her but I didn’t know how or what to do… what could I offer? I spotted a wheelchair that was left and seemed to be sitting around for days, weeks at a time… I knew she would never think to ask to use it, nor anyone around her, because they would have done that by now. For whatever reason, no money, no time… no family, they just didn’t give her what she obviously so desperately to me needed. She needed help. She needed someone, anyone to show that they cared. And something such as that chair could help her so much… I knew I had to do something. So, I offered whatever I could find in my pocket and bought the chair, I found out her name and the room number where she stayed and came back to each night, and I left the chair there for her one night for when she came home with a little note on it that read,

"You don’t know me, nor I you, but I can feel your pain and I wanted to help you. This was all I could do and I hope that this helps you in some small way. There is no reason to thank me or even know who I am because all I care about is you, and this helping you, which I think it will. Please accept this gift on my behalf. All my love to you…"

I never signed my name… I just left it blank and drew a heart. Who I was wasn’t important, it was that she was helped and for that, my heart couldn’t have been happier. Days later when I saw her on her usual path she was no longer struggling on those horrible plastic stilts, she was sitting in the chair and getting around even faster than she had imagined. She could bring more books to read, as many as she liked, and she could enjoy the simple pleasures that we in this life take so much for granted… I don’t know how she is today or where she is, but in my heart I hope she is doing ok and that she is still using that chair. I hope in some small way what I did and could offer her made an impact on her heart to show that there still are people out there who really do care. If so, that’s the only gift in return I could ever ask for. She would frown so much before, and now.. whenever I saw her even weeks later, she smiled more than I had ever seen. I knew my job was done. Much like her, you could relate to that with your own sister… not out of sympathy I cared, but out of true compassion in knowing that I live to heal… sadly, I was unaware that maybe one day, I would be hurt so badly that my ability to heal others would become jaded… I just never thought it possible… but human nature follows no given course, and for that, I fell victim to it… I am ashamed… but a break in my heart just refused to escape me… it had to happen, and it has.

Without you, there is no me.

I care so much, you’ll never know. I love you more than life itself… and because of that, what is happening right now is so clear and so understood because it’s source is so vivid… It’s all I’ve ever known. Comets shoot across the sky continually and yet no one really knows why, they just do - and they'll never stop as long as people believe in what they are seeing to be real. If they stop believing, they eventually fade away. Well, I refuse to stop believing.

What does that mean? It must mean something yes?

Love,
JL

4:32 pm, 6:21 pm, 10:08 pm, 11:24 am




Jamie Leigh Posted Within The Woods Of New Jersey ; LETTERS FROM YOU / EDITORIALS ; Join The JL Mailing List For Exclusives ; AOL IM at handle: xAnAmericanGrrlx ; The Official Jamie Leigh Fanclub ; [ CAFE SHOP AND STORE. Please support and help spread the word and messages behind them. ] ; Wishlist

Jamie Leigh

http://www.jamieleigh.net

Write me at jamieleighdotnet@hotmail.com

"Nothing gives me more pleasure now than being able to love and help those in our society who are vulnerable. If I can contribute a little something, then I am more than content."

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