Wondering What The Future Holds?

**ZECH** · 07-29-2004, 11:38 AM

This is not going to be an exercise journal, but merely some thoughts and feelings on my part as I face a new direction in life. I have found it to be a good thing to have a place to vent and get feelings out instead of keeping them locked inside. A few may know and most do not, but I came home on July 1 to find my wife and children gone. My wife had left over her adulterous affair and secreted the whereabouts of my children for a week. It was not until my attorney forced her attorney to do something, that we worked out a temporary custody order, sharing custody of my two children until we have a custody trial which it looks like may be next spring. She wants full custody, so it looks like I have no choice but to fight for full custody also. The biggest thing at this point is school starts next week(8-5) and my wife is wanting to put my children in a new school and uproot them even more than they already have been. I actually have them the first four days of school so things are on my side right now. She has done things I would never have expected and is using the kids to her advantage with no regard for the best interest of the children. I am so pissed right now that you can't imagine. But I have to remain calm. If I do anything stupid, it will hurt my chance at getting custody of the kids. I feel like I am starting life over at 20 years old. We would have been married 15 years this Nov. I worry about my children and where they are when they are not with me and if they are ok. I wonder how someone can change that much and go straight into hating you. Everything that is coming out of her right now is a lie. She keeps promising and then pulls something new. I don't know what to think anymore. I wonder what I will lose as far as my house and Marital property when we have to divide stuff. I will probably have to start over and have the kids in a new home. The one I have now is the only one they have ever known. It tears me up that this is happening to the kids. It would be much easier if it was just me. I also can't believe my wife has the gall to do this to the kids. This is what makes me the maddest. I will always resent her and never be able to forgive her for the things she has done to them. She had this planned for a while. The following days after she left, I find out that none of the bills had been paid in almost two months. So i was left with almost 2k in bills due and all my bills still to pay, like the house, my truck and insurance for the home and vehicles. She even closed the checking account, so I can't even write a check until I open a new one. I have plenty of money in my retirement and 401k, but I can't get to it unless I quit my job, and I can't do that right now and expect a chance of getting the kids. She had quit her job last year and rolled her 401k into a fund at a local bank and was able to get her money and that is how she got a new apartment and furniture. She has nothing out of my home at the current time except for the computer I had and she still refuses to give it to me. So I'm taking it day by day right now and things seem to change pretty quickly as far as new stuff popping up. If I can just get the kids in their old school and settled, I think everything will work until the trial date.

**naturaltan** · 07-29-2004, 12:22 PM

wow ... I can't comment on that as that is some heavy stuff.

I can say that I hope it works out for you and more importantly, the kids.

Keep you head high DG.

**BoneCrusher** · 07-29-2004, 12:27 PM

Infidelity and betrayal are not gender specific and have been a source of agony for everyone here at some time or another. Mine is recent and ended a 22 year marriage, but our son is 16 and is with me so I do not have that pain in my soul as you do. I am new on this forum but man I feel for ya.

I can say I am proud of my participation in the way we ended it and can only advise you not to do anything that will make you feel like less of a person in your own eyes. My son watched as the whole thing went down and has his own opinions about his mother and her actions.

Now that you know what you’re dealing with you can plan a course of action and do what ever is best for the kids. I have chosen not to date for a period just to keep my mind clear and not complicate my son’s problems. From the articulate way you expressed yourself and the way you have balanced the needs of your kids vs. your own needs you seem to be an intelligent and compassionate person. Follow your conscience; protect your soul, and good luck DG.

**ZECH** · 07-29-2004, 12:38 PM

Originally Posted by naturaltan

wow ... I can't comment on that as that is some heavy stuff.

I can say that I hope it works out for you and more importantly, the kids.

Keep you head high DG.

Your a good buddy NT

**largepkg** · 07-29-2004, 12:40 PM

dg, keep your head up partner. You're doing the right thing.

I was in a similar situation and things worked out. They will for you as well.

**P-funk** · 07-29-2004, 12:48 PM

Wow man, that is some heavy stuff. hope everything works out for the best.

hang in there brother.

**Var** · 07-29-2004, 12:55 PM

Really sorry to hear about what happened, DG. Keep you chin up. I hope everything works out for you and the kids.

**naturaltan** · 07-29-2004, 01:24 PM

Originally Posted by dg806

Your a good buddy NT

thanks

I think you're one of the few here that I clash with opinion-wise on most threads, but that's why we get along ... because we come from different lifestyles yet can agree to disagree.

**ZECH** · 07-29-2004, 01:27 PM

Originally Posted by naturaltan

thanks

I think you're one of the few here that I clash with opinion-wise on most threads, but that's why we get along ... because we come from different lifestyles yet can agree to disagree.

I wouldn't always say that is a bad thing. There is a guy here at work who is a hard line democrat and most know I'm on the other end. We give each other hell most of the time, but are still great friends!

**ZECH** · 07-29-2004, 01:28 PM

I appreciate everyone's well wishes. That really means alot!

**naturaltan** · 07-29-2004, 01:38 PM

Originally Posted by dg806

I wouldn't always say that is a bad thing. There is a guy here at work who is a hard line democrat and most know I'm on the other end. We give each other hell most of the time, but are still great friends!

nope ... it's certainly not a bad thing.

**fantasma62** · 07-29-2004, 01:50 PM

Wow, that is truly amazing. It isn't so much the question of why she did that to you, you already know that because you said that she was/is an adulterer. The thing that gets me is the kids. The stress that this is putting on the kids is immense.

Regarding her uprooting the kids, she can't possibly do that without your consent. In fact, if you guys were already divorced and you had shared custody, she would have to ask you first. Since you are separated, don't you both still have joint custody until otherwise stated by the court system?

Regarding the 401k, I asked my wife, who works in HR and she told me that normally you can borrow X amount of money. For repayment, usually the company will deduct monthly an xyz amount from your paycheck. The good news, if there is any in this situation, is that you will not be charged interest while you are repaying. She tells me that most companies are like that and that although your company may work a different way, it won't differ too much.
I am sorry that this is happening to you and I will take time tonight before heading to bed to say a little prayer on your behalf. If you are not religious and find that to be insulting, I apologize, but that's the best I can offer.
I hope for nothing but the best for you and your children, as I don't much care for your ex wife....

**JerseyDevil** · 07-29-2004, 01:51 PM

Wow DG, I'm really sorry to hear this. My wife and her ex went through a similar situation. To this day, there is shared custody. The best advice I can give is to hire the finest attorney you can afford, one that specializes in child custody cases. It really does make a difference.

**ZECH** · 07-29-2004, 05:39 PM

Originally Posted by fantasma62

Wow, that is truly amazing. It isn't so much the question of why she did that to you, you already know that because you said that she was/is an adulterer. The thing that gets me is the kids. The stress that this is putting on the kids is immense.

Regarding her uprooting the kids, she can't possibly do that without your consent. In fact, if you guys were already divorced and you had shared custody, she would have to ask you first. Since you are separated, don't you both still have joint custody until otherwise stated by the court system?

Regarding the 401k, I asked my wife, who works in HR and she told me that normally you can borrow X amount of money. For repayment, usually the company will deduct monthly an xyz amount from your paycheck. The good news, if there is any in this situation, is that you will not be charged interest while you are repaying. She tells me that most companies are like that and that although your company may work a different way, it won't differ too much.
I am sorry that this is happening to you and I will take time tonight before heading to bed to say a little prayer on your behalf. If you are not religious and find that to be insulting, I apologize, but that's the best I can offer.
I hope for nothing but the best for you and your children, as I don't much care for your ex wife....

No I don't mind at all.............I appreciate it!

**ZECH** · 07-29-2004, 05:44 PM

Originally Posted by JerseyDevil

Wow DG, I'm really sorry to hear this. My wife and her ex went through a similar situation. To this day, there is shared custody. The best advice I can give is to hire the finest attorney you can afford, one that specializes in child custody cases. It really does make a difference.

Well I first talked to a guy I know, but he doesn't specialize in just child custody. I didn't get a good feeling from him as he seemed to think everything went a certain way. Then after talking to some buddies that reccommened a lady lawyer that was ruthless in court. I talked to her and she is representing me. She scares me she is so cold. But that is what I need. The first day she called my wife's lawyer and gave him hell about her hiding the kids for almost a week and she got the temporary shared custody set up for me. I think she will do great. I already have some stuff to use against her in court! It cost me several thousand up front that I really didn't have, but there is no way I could do without her.

**PreMier** · 07-29-2004, 05:50 PM

Wow.. I have never talked to you much DG, but my heart goes out to you on this. I hope everything turns out for the better, and I will also say a prayer.
-Jake

**Monolith** · 07-29-2004, 06:01 PM

Best of luck, DG. From the description you gave of your wife, there's no way the court could rule in her favor.

**JerseyDevil** · 07-29-2004, 06:06 PM

Originally Posted by dg806

Well I first talked to a guy I know, but he doesn't specialize in just child custody. I didn't get a good feeling from him as he seemed to think everything went a certain way. Then after talking to some buddies that reccommened a lady lawyer that was ruthless in court. I talked to her and she is representing me. She scares me she is so cold. But that is what I need. The first day she called my wife's lawyer and gave him hell about her hiding the kids for almost a week and she got the temporary shared custody set up for me. I think she will do great. I already have some stuff to use against her in court! It cost me several thousand up front that I really didn't have, but there is no way I could do without her.

She sounds perfect Dave

.

**I'm Trying** · 07-29-2004, 07:18 PM

Sent you a PM dg.

**ZECH** · 07-30-2004, 10:10 AM

Seems like each day brings a new challange for me and it's hard for me to maintain my cool. The school my wife wants to enroll the kids in called yesterday to the school where my kids have been going and requested the records. The principal called me and told me they had called, as I had talked to her several weeks ago and informed her of the situation and my wife's intentions, and she said she would inform me if that happened. Legally she didn't know what to do. I told her on my attorney's advice, that since I had them the first four days of school, we would be putting them back where they were use to going. The principal said if she did send them that she would have to take them off the roll. I told her it was my preference for her not to send them but I could not make her not do it. She is on my side and feels bad for the kids. My attorney spoke to the school district's attorney yesterday and he told my attorney that the deadline for transfers had passed and that the school board had to approve a transfer and not the school. He was surprised that they even entertained the thought of a transfer. Well my wife called the principal this morning and requested her to send them. The principal called me immediately. She said if I would get her a copy of the temporary custody agreement showing I had them half the time and that i lived in Badin, that she would not send them!! So right now it looks good for me. But I'm sure as soon as my wife and her attorney find out they won't send them, they will seek an injunction on the status quo. But my lawyer has already spoken to the judge and has asked that if her lawyer wants something, to not sign it without her present. So we are staying one step ahead of them! It changes quickly...........

**Jodi** · 07-30-2004, 10:21 AM

Wow DG - I'm very sorry to hear all of this. My heart goes out to you and your children and I wish you all the best.

**Monolith** · 07-30-2004, 10:52 AM

How old are the kids if ya dont mind me asking?

**ZECH** · 07-30-2004, 11:15 AM

Originally Posted by Jodi

Wow DG - I'm very sorry to hear all of this. My heart goes out to you and your children and I wish you all the best.

Thanks Jodi! I really appreciate it!
Mono, Matthew is 7 in two weeks and Maddison will be 9 in Nov.

**ZECH** · 08-02-2004, 08:24 AM

Took the kids shopping Saturday night. We went out and ate and got some ICECREAM later. They had a ball. I have to take them back tonight. Gonna be hard after having them 6 days. But with our weird 48 hour agreement, I get them back Wednesday night.
You know what is sooo weird................I see all these lovely ladies at the mall, but it really scares me to think about dating someone I really don't know. Too much crap around these days and to me it's not worth a few minutes of fun. Well not like I'm really ready to anyway. Right now that is the last thing from my mind. I don't even know at this point if I will ever be able to trust another female. I think I'm gonna call Spanky and join the Weman women haters club!

**fantasma62** · 08-02-2004, 08:38 AM

Hi dg,

First off, I hope you are able to keep your cool. Your kids don't need to see you lose it. At that age they are very impressionable and will think that what's happening is their fault, even if their mom is a whore...sorry...out of character for me but I am pissed off and I don't even know you man....However, that's how I feel and I won't erase that comment.
Anyway, she's already lost her cool, and will lose it more when you bring the facts into court. She cheated, you didn't. She has lost her cool completely, while you have always kept it. I can't tell you that I have ever gone thru this and maybe I am talking out of my arse, but I can tell you that the kids are the most important thing here and if you keep your cool, you'll think better and react better to whatever goes on. It all seems to be in your favor regarding custody. I don't see a judge in this land awarding her the kids, however, don't go to Venezuela and do this because she'll get the kids no matter what...

Keep your head up, we'll keep praying for you.....

**ZECH** · 08-02-2004, 08:52 AM

Thanks! Well, I agree with you, but the bad thing is, you never know what will happen. It all depends on the judge you get. And unfortunately, I live in a county where they are years behind in child custody(ex., most still rule in favor of the woman, no matter what). But recently my lawyer told me we do have a new one that is very fair to males, so I have to hope. And no matter what she did and weather I agree with what she did, to me that doesn't matter as far as the kids are concerned. At 7 and 9 they still need their mother as much as their father. Bad thing is, she is not willing at this point to continue the shared custody, which leaves me no other option than to fight for full custody. Then after that, if I do get custody we will have to see what happens. Right before I took the kids out to eat Friday night she called and wanted to speak to them. I didn't let her, saying the things she was trying to pull with the school switching thing and others, was not in the best interest of the kids, and when she started to act like an adult, she could speak to them and I hung up. She called right back and after a few more words, I hung up again and then took the phone off the hook till we left. Of course later that night before they went to bed, I let them call her,but I think I made my point clear. I'm expecting some last minute thing(probably her and her lawyer trying to get an injunction) to switch schools today or tomorrow. We'll see. If she is successful, you can bet I will use that in court against her as upsetting the kids.

**ZECH** · 08-03-2004, 06:31 AM

Well so far so good. Didn't hear anything at all yesterday. When I returned the kids last night she looked very depressed. I figure she found out that she couldn't transfer the kids? Wouldn't speak to me either. All I got was go to hell looks. Which is fine with me.
I just saw that it's going to be in the 40's in the mountains this weekend after a big front passes. Might be a good weekend to go backpacking after I return the kids Friday night.

**oaktownboy** · 08-03-2004, 10:14 AM

jesus..I hope u find the inner strength to combat this struggle and end up a stronger person in the end dg. My parents went thru the same thing when i was 12, so i have an idea about how it feels, but obviously not from the parent side. keep ya head up
--J

**ZECH** · 08-03-2004, 12:15 PM

Honestly, I don't see how it can make you a stronger person..........just being able to withstand the challanges is tough. Both parents really loose as the lawyers are the ones who win, and that is not a crack on lawyers, just the truth. But the children are the ones that really suffer. They are disrupted from there home and dragged from place to place and they do not know what to think. At times I hear the children take it personally and feel like it is there fault. And that is not the case. Me and my wife have always talked about this and agreed the children suffer in a divorce. And now she puts them through it. I don't understand. If she is unhappy fine. But don't put the kids through any more than necessary. I think most couples that remarry often want children of their own. But right now I'm not willing to take a chance of this happening again. My concern right now is to finish raising my children in the best way I can and hope they have no lasting effects from the damage that is being done. But this will definately make you wiser. I'm not going to continue to wonder what went wrong as I feel I did the best I could.

**naturaltan** · 08-03-2004, 12:26 PM

You are dead on DG. It's all about the kids. You seem to be doing whatever you can to ensure that the least amount of stress is put on them.

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