mtv's I was on Adderall ~ Real Life

**chiquita6683** · 08-15-2004, 08:38 AM

If you saw that show and if you know my story..........well im a special situation.
A few months ago, before everything happened, I was taking 40mgs of adderall XR which is for attention AND 100mg of provigil which makes you alert/wakes you up, that dose in the morning, and again at lunch. Plus I was bodybuilding, (so I thought). Plus I was going for these hyperbaricoxygen treatments(HBOT).

So think about it, I had alot on my plate! Grocery Shopping, Cooking, Medicine, and I tried to make a journal like it was nothing, and I wrote nothing of it. Plus I had to take a cab to and from the gym......my goal was to be as independent as possible. I didnt want any help. I was such a bitch to everyone with the diet I was on. No1 was allowed in the kitchen while I was cooking. It was sick!

Oh, and I vaccumed ALL the time.

Okay so now I can tell my story.......
12/28/00, I was hit on the passenger side @50mph (my xboyfriend was driving,there was no drinking, we were actually going into a Bailey's gym). He only had a concusion, I however was left w several broken bones, was ina coma over a month, numerous other injuries, but the worst of the injuries was a Traumatic Brain Injury, which I'll have the rest of my life. I went through 2yrs of therapy of all kinds.

Then on 9/13/02, my mother was driving me to school and was hit on her side, she passed away a week later, but of other health complications. I sustained a 2nd brain injury, both TBIs were on the frontal lobe of my brain. I was put back into therapy, still going through some. The right side of my body is weaker/slower and I have MANY cognitive deficiets and my speech is greatly affected. Thats why this goal will be such a challenge.

My new goal is to compete in a bodybuilding competition, naturally, not to win, but to come back from this and be the best I can be. I see the patients(that have similar injuries) when I go to therapy, and I realize how lucky I am. That is 1 of my reasons I want to compete. All of your support is greatly appreciated.

Yeah, im not not so sure about that last paragraph anymore. A competition would be like years from now. Im just happy to be alive.

I had a nervous breakdown, did some really inapropriate things, said some things on this board that Im ashamed of.

When I was tons of adderall and bodybuilding and everything it was like I was on Speed or something, I felt Invincible! I was hardly sleeping, I had to take something to put me to sleep, but only for a few restless hours!

So now Im back, and its scary.

**gwcaton** · 08-15-2004, 08:47 AM

Hi Maria

Good to have you back !
I have no real concept of what you are going through but I do know that you have come a long way. Congrats on your accomplishments and I wish you continued success.

**chiquita6683** · 08-15-2004, 09:29 AM

Oh yeah! I forgot to say I following the nervous breakdown I spent in a week in a phych ward and then I was sent to www.finr.org where I spent 2 months. that made me realize ALOT. I'll post my experices here.
Thank you Gary.

**sara** · 08-15-2004, 09:31 AM

You can do it

You'r very strong.. you can accomplish you'r goals
It may be scary at first, but just take it step by step

**chiquita6683** · 08-15-2004, 09:48 AM

like does every journal Have to be about bb or diet or training? I just want somewhere where I can go and vent. I'm sure no1 on here want to here about my problems. Is there anywhere? No1 understanstands!!!!!!

**gwcaton** · 08-15-2004, 10:46 AM

Originally Posted by chiquita6683

like does every journal Have to be about bb or diet or training? I just want somewhere where I can go and vent. I'm sure no1 on here want to here about my problems. Is there anywhere? No1 understanstands!!!!!!

Hi Maria ,
If you are looking for others who are survivors like you and people who have friends and family who are survivors of TBI I'm sure you can find some online support groups just by doing a Google or Yahoo search.

But I like you being here. Whether you are weight training or not you are still a motivating and inspiring person.

**atherjen** · 08-15-2004, 11:12 AM

Welcome back MAria

Glad to hear that your back and feeling better! Stay strong, you can do ANYTHING in life

**chiquita6683** · 08-15-2004, 11:37 AM

Originally Posted by gwcaton

Hi Maria ,
If you are looking for others who are survivors like you and people who have friends and family who are survivors of TBI I'm sure you can find some online support groups just by doing a Google or Yahoo search.

But I like you being here. Whether you are weight training or not you are still a motivating and inspiring person.

I need to here more of this because I really dont feel welcome here at all. Besides you and just a few others Ive touched...........I feel as though as I'd be annoying or like bb is such a positive thing and what happened to me is so negative, that its like i dont know!

No! I'm already a member of aTBI support group locally, and gotten 'Survivor of the Year' award 03 even before I started working out and everything. Its like yeah we're all the same ina way..........but were "different". I'm not like them. I care about how I look!

The other day, I was in my doctors office and he was joking around with me in the hall bc he happened to see me bc I was there working on some computer program that suppose to help the brain train new unused cells so i can i dont know become really smart or something because theres like alot of damage there. But well anyway, he was being stupid and I just broke into tears

I remember he made the analogy "that your so high functioning, you're like a Meredes-Benz,

and it just takes time to tweek the right medication for you, but it will get better." comparing me to his other patients
Down In FINR they took me off all my meds, redid everything he was doing from before, I've had good experiences and Bad 1s. So the other day, when he made that great analogy, he wrote me a prescription for 10mg once a day. we are slowly doing things, but right now, I'm just "blah"

**gwcaton** · 08-15-2004, 11:56 AM

Maria ,

Trust me , you are welcome here. Those who might think your journal is inappropriate will just simply not read it .

I 'd say you are a mercedes benz ! And yes they can be difficult to fine tune but when they are tuned right they are incredible ! You are incredible as you are and once the doc gets you fine tuned imagine what that will be like !

**fantasma62** · 08-15-2004, 12:19 PM

Hey Chiquita,

You may not know me as well as the rest of the wonderful people in this group. I have only been here for about a month, but I assure you, everyone here is always willing to give a helping hand. I know I am....
GDub stole my thunder, and I agree with him, if anyone feels annoyed by anything you need to say, then he/she won't read. Don't worry about that. Worry about yourself. I have always thought that the best medicine sometimes is to write your thoughts. That's what I do. I don't necessarily write everything related to weight training. As part of my "Lifestyle change", I see fit to write about things that make me happy or sad or "freaking pissed". Here you can vent and let out steam. There is a journal here about a young lady named Jamie Leigh. Have a look see, it'll show you that you don't necessarily need to write about BB and weights and diets. I believe that for her this is therapy...
I wish you nothing but the best in your "goal". I'll be here if you need me...

**oaktownboy** · 08-15-2004, 12:20 PM

wait what? u were on mtv?

**chiquita6683** · 08-15-2004, 12:53 PM

Gary, its so hard sometimes! but I know its going to be okay now and Ive matured. but sometimes i just sit and cry for no reason, i miss feeling invincible and being on top of the world and always gogogogo sometimes bc it seemed like i was happy well at least i had a smile on my face, but now......... im never smiling or confident.
i lost my confidence too. i went from being super woman to not being able to order my own food at a restraunt.

My 1st weekend @FINR, it was like a step away from being in jail. cept I had to "earn my independence" the 1st weekend there, a staff had to be 3ft away from me at all times, then the next week i was "visual"-20ft away. Then usually "clients" are "visual" for however long. Then you gotta work on the impossible...........earning your PCs.

Okay, ill explain more later. But Im tellin you this place traumatized me!

**chiquita6683** · 08-15-2004, 01:00 PM

Thank you Tony

haha No oaktown. Iwasnt on mtv, but i saw that show and it freaked me out bc i knew exactly how they were feeling. i mean they were using it in different ways but I related!

**Monolith** · 08-15-2004, 02:12 PM

Welcome back Chiq! I missed reading your posts.

**gwcaton** · 08-15-2004, 04:28 PM

Originally Posted by chiquita6683

Gary, its so hard sometimes! but I know its going to be okay now and Ive matured. but sometimes i just sit and cry for no reason, i miss feeling invincible and being on top of the world and always gogogogo sometimes bc it seemed like i was happy well at least i had a smile on my face, but now......... im never smiling or confident.
i lost my confidence too. i went from being super woman to not being able to order my own food at a restraunt.

My 1st weekend @FINR, it was like a step away from being in jail. cept I had to "earn my independence" the 1st weekend there, a staff had to be 3ft away from me at all times, then the next week i was "visual"-20ft away. Then usually "clients" are "visual" for however long. Then you gotta work on the impossible...........earning your PCs.

Okay, ill explain more later. But Im tellin you this place traumatized me!

Yes I know. I read your other journal/posts. I have read everything you have ever posted here. By the way you may not be SuperWoman but you are a super woman

**chiquita6683** · 08-15-2004, 07:46 PM

oh wow thanx Gary! and Monolith, u do enjoy reading my posts? i've lost a huge amount of confidence in that place so I need every1 to encourage me to keep posting in my journal. In fact, in my other journals most of the time I was probly just

ok.......me and my sister, went shopping @ super target this afternoon, and she died hair my cinnamon! it looks great (in our opinion)

then we made dinner for us and her boyfriend. it was really nice

**Monolith** · 08-15-2004, 07:50 PM

Originally Posted by chiquita6683

oMonolith, u do enjoy reading my posts? i've lost a huge amount of confidence in that place so I need every1 to encourage me to keep posting in my journal. In fact, in my other journals most of the time I was probly just

hell yeah i enjoy reading your posts! its a nice break from all the other posts of "i ate chicken today" and "i pushed weight around today." you kind of remind me of myself in some ways, too.

**chiquita6683** · 08-15-2004, 07:56 PM

Originally Posted by Monolith

hell yeah i enjoy reading your posts! its a nice break from all the other posts of "i ate chicken today" and "i pushed weight around today." you kind of remind me of myself in some ways, too.

that was very good to hear! how do i remind you of you?

**gwcaton** · 08-15-2004, 07:59 PM

Originally Posted by chiquita6683

oh wow thanx Gary! and Monolith, u do enjoy reading my posts? i've lost a huge amount of confidence in that place so I need every1 to encourage me to keep posting in my journal. In fact, in my other journals most of the time I was probly just

ok.......me and my sister, went shopping @ super target this afternoon, and she died hair my cinnamon! it looks great (in our opinion)

then we made dinner for us and her boyfriend. it was really nice

I see you put a pic or 2 back in your gallery. Good deal ! Post a pic of your new hair color. never heard of cinnimon hair color but i bet it looks good on you

**Monolith** · 08-15-2004, 08:01 PM

Well... just some of the emotional stuff youre going through. It's obviously not as pronounced as your injuries, but i can definitely relate.

**chiquita6683** · 08-16-2004, 09:06 AM

i had my first chest workout this morning since ive been back, it felt really good. ive gotten really weak though, but my trainer said muscle memory is a great thing. thats another point, in all my other journals i never made reference to my trainer bc i wanted to kinda atherjen whom i really admire. bc she can be a bb, and is really sweet, just like my trainer, http://www.ftvideo.com/genex/profiles04/kris.htm , i admire them bc they are single, strong and independent in every sense. i tried a little too hard to be like that and it led to a nervous breakdown.

but u know what, im like a comletely different person now.............Really.
yesterday in the car on the way to Supertaget, i was talking w my sister and i was like............kathy i want people to know im not the spoiled brat\stuck up bitch i was, i even had a tshirt that said 'its all about me' and im so not like that anymore. bodybuilding made me that way, adderall made me that way, i was so self absorbed.

gawd, im 21, and my best friends are my dad and sister and doctors. i never go on dates. im not suppose to be hanging out w my sister, im suppose to be caught up in some silly drama like greekblondechick she has all the fun(im jealous) oh yea shes blonde

**Monolith** · 08-16-2004, 09:27 AM

Whoa, your trainer is huge!! 26 inch quads!

And Chiq, dont worry about trying to be someone else. You're not "supposed" to be doing anything - you do what makes you the happiest. Thats what life is all about, after all... not living for some cliche ideal, but for what can make you feel the happiest or most fullfilled in the short amount of time you have on earth. In a while, you might prefer the challenge of dating again... but dont feel you need to rush into anything just because thats what other people are doing. Work for yourself before you work for someone else.

**Mudge** · 08-16-2004, 11:19 AM

Good luck on your journey Maria, dont give up! When you need a break just take a step back and relax from things.

**chiquita6683** · 08-16-2004, 11:37 AM

thank you mudge, and good luck to you in whatever your doing

**fantasma62** · 08-16-2004, 12:15 PM

Hi Chiquita, I guess I didn't get to meet you when you say you were "spoiled, etc."

I can tell without knowing you that you have lots of character. You found out your mistakes, you recognized that they were in fact your mistakes and you are taking steps to correct them. I admire that in a person, you are true to yourself and that should only lead to success....

**Dale Mabry** · 08-16-2004, 12:18 PM

I would say it is your journal, do whatever the hell you want with it. If peeps don't want to read, they don't have to come into it.

**chiquita6683** · 08-16-2004, 01:26 PM

Tony- I really appreaciate that.

Dale! stop by more often man.

**fantasma62** · 08-16-2004, 01:37 PM

Sometimes I sound like a fortune cookie....

I do mean what I say, though.....Always

**rule62** · 08-16-2004, 06:01 PM

I believe a lot of people will be very interested in your journal - I will read it for sure. If you are worried about wether it is appropriate or not, just go a read a few threads out in "Open Chat"!

I like your tag line, I have read a lot of St Francis de Sales - he is awesome. I imagine he would tell you that all you are going through will draw you closer to God. That is the great irony of life, it is only after we know we are not invincible that we learn the truth.

**Var** · 08-16-2004, 06:08 PM

Good luck, Chiquita!!! I'll be following your journal.

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