Diary of a madman.....

Pitboss · 06-18-2002, 10:03 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by naturaltan
I realize it's easy for a non-smoker to say quit cold turkey. But when we had our daugther, Mrs.NT's parents cold turkey and they had smoked forever. I think it's all about really wanting it. They decided they didn't want set a bad example - so they quit.

I thought that would be the case when I had my son... or when I went on a vacation somewhere or......

J'Bo · 06-18-2002, 10:07 AM

You prefer to give rather than recieve?
Maybe thats why your relationships with the ladies aren't working out.

Pitboss · 06-18-2002, 10:24 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by J'Bo
You prefer to give rather than recieve?
Maybe thats why your relationships with the ladies aren't working out.

You'd prefer to give than receive????

Pitboss · 06-18-2002, 11:52 AM

I think something like this....

Dear Diary,

I am so totally confused. I really do like Amanda a lot. She says she loves me and I don't doubt that. She says she will do anything for me and make all kinds of compromises to make this work for us. My ex was the same way. But here I am confused as hell because I have more love than I could ever wish for and for some reason that just isn't enough. I'm coming to the same reasons for my divorce as this split now.

Why can't I be happy with the idea of being with just one person? With someone who loves me for who I am? Why do I let sex control my feelings? Why can't I just look away from some hot babe instead of wondering what it will take for me to "get me some of that"???

I let sex.. lust control me like I let cigarrettes control me. The last thing I want to do is get into another 11 year relationship and call it quits because I want to fuq every woman that turns me, or comes on to me. Something just ain't right upstairs.... definately a screw loose somewhere. A gland out of whack.... maybe prozac is an option?

So now I'm left with a decision that will hurt her now or possibly hurt her later. And I'm stuck on not wanting to lose her... inside I can't help but think either way I'm going to hurt her. But what if I can find a way to ignore those feelings of lust.... oh wait I did that before and what happened? My wife and I never had sex.. I turned my lust for others inside out and had to lie to her and to myself to explain my actions... I began to tell her that I was not attracted to her and that we had become more liek best friends than lovers... shitty huh? Great for her self esteem...... I'm such an a$$hole.

I think back to all the shiat I did and said, and even now the same patterns are showing up. How could I possibly deserve to be loved the way they both loved me?? That's another part that kills me.... gives me so much guilt.

Pitboss · 06-18-2002, 11:56 AM

Oh and then to add a little extra to the stew... I've sort of discussed some of my feelings with my ex and she is basically pushing to get out. That I am doing exactly the same thing to Amanda as I did with her, and that's not fair to Amanda. If she had her number she would call her and tell her run, run very fast and very far away!!!

She's probably right. She says what I need is either a woman who doesn't care what I do, with you or where... or at least someone who is into swinging to satisfy my needs. She could be right...

Pitboss · 06-18-2002, 04:03 PM

Okay I braking my heart here thinking and thinking about this damn reationship crap.... why oh why did we have to evolve?? I could have been so much happier in cave man times.....

I know me. If I don't just say we are through I will go back to her. Then a few months later it'll all start again.. I'll get moody and start coming up with excuses, blah, blah.... then we will stay together because she'll start crying and I'll freak out because I'm hurting her... and then it starts all over again. FUQ FUQ FUQ

But dammit I do miss her. I miss holding her and talking to her. I miss watchign her get dressed.. damn I do miss her.

She called and left a message.. it was sad but nice. But now I'm afraid to call her. I'm not sure what I want to say anymore, or even what to think anymore but any of this.

Sex??? my driving force. In the past I had made attempts to chaneg my ways for my wife. No more porn, surfing the internet, flirting or anything that would take my attention away from her. In the long run I felt worse, more apart from her and just not myself. Do I do this again?? Do I just make that commitment and stay with it... better or worse?

I really just want to go home, go to sleep and wait until tomorrow, a new day.... though it will consist of the same problems and issues all over again....

butterfly · 06-18-2002, 04:08 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Pitboss
I really just want to go home, go to sleep and wait until tomorrow, a new day.... though it will consist of the same problems and issues all over again....

Sounds like you need a big hug from us girl buddies...

naturaltan · 06-18-2002, 04:11 PM

take the hugs man!

if you don't, I could be your emotional replacement ... * giggle *

naturaltan · 06-18-2002, 04:16 PM

If I have to send Mrs.NT down there ... you'll be sorry - I think!

Pitboss · 06-18-2002, 04:17 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by butterfly
Sounds like you need a big hug from us girl buddies...

Miss LeDix · 06-18-2002, 04:52 PM

PB, sounds like you are going through a lot. Why type of health insurance do you have? You may want to see if a therapist is covered, it may just help to speak to an unbiased person. I cannot begin to give you any advice, I wish you the best of luck with whatever decision you make. I think you've made a bit step by admitting you may need some sort of help.

Oh, and I like that sig! What do you mean, you want to sit next to me?

Pitboss · 06-18-2002, 04:58 PM

So is that my answer??? Change my ways? Become a different person with real life objectives and goals? Real dreams? Don't think of sex as sex anymore. That's past history.. back when I was a rip roaring youngster. I've sowed my oats. No reason why I can't be happy as hell with someone who loves me. Stop having sex and start making love.... why so I find this to be a lot harder than I am making it sound.

I know I want to be the best dad I can for my son. My son is numero uno in my life... so maybe that's enough for me? The rest of this stuff is just trivial??? So be there for my kid and then have whatever fun I can in life.... but then again the fun has to end sometime when we finally grow up.

Damn so many questions and no real answers. I still haven't called Amanda back.. now I'm feeling like shiat for doing that to her.

Pitboss · 06-18-2002, 04:59 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Miss LeDix
PB, sounds like you are going through a lot. Why type of health insurance do you have? You may want to see if a therapist is covered, it may just help to speak to an unbiased person. I cannot begin to give you any advice, I wish you the best of luck with whatever decision you make. I think you've made a bit step by admitting you may need some sort of help.

Oh, and I like that sig! What do you mean, you want to sit next to me?

OMG I'm laughing so hard........ I am already seeing a therapist!!!! Isn't that just wonderful...... I need a whole hospital ward to myself!!!!!

Sitting next to you... in a "NON PORNAL" throne!!

esmerelda · 06-18-2002, 05:11 PM

Hey baby!!!!! Kinda wanna put my 2 cents worth in.....never.. and I repeat NEVER change who you are to suit anyone else!!! So you like to look around...welcome to the real world!!! So you dont want to settle down with one lady....welcome to the real world!!! So you dont know if you want to get caught up in another long term relationship...welcome to the real world!!!

What Im trying to say....Roger...Listen to me!!!! Is be you....get comfortable in your own skin!!! The reason you dont like what your doing is cos you dont know what you really want!! You had a long relationship with the Missus...11yrs right?? That takes you well into that age when young guns were playing around...you wernt really ready to settle down.....so play now!!!! Life doesnt mean you have to have one person in your life always....tell Amanda that your not sure what you want...she may not like what she hears....but at least you've put the cards on the table and she will know where she stands and if she wants she can join in!!!

Always be true to you first....then to Carter....then to the ladies in your life!!!! You are more important than anything or anyone else.....here ends the lesson!!!!!!! And if your not careful...Im going to send in the Jolly White Airman to kick your lilly white ass!!!! Albob.....get the picture?!!!

Pitboss · 06-18-2002, 05:44 PM

For the record... I would never change me to satisify someone else... one men can not be changed by women!!!!!!!

However it is a different story for me to change who I am to become a better person. For me, for my son and for whomever happens to be in my life.

I can't continue on saying I love someone but yet sit and flirt with with some girl I brushed up against at the bar hoping to get her number as my gf/wife is sitting 20 feet away. That's just fuq'd.. oh wrong thread.

I don't know. I need some time to think what it is I want. We just got off the phone and she's starting to feel better, laughing and being her normal self. She is accepting what is happening or could be happening.

I've already screwed up her self esteem regarding sex.. she thinks she isn't enough for me, or good enough for me. And this is all due to me wanting more and more and more variety in my life.... so yeah that's fuq'd up.

Anyhow... I think my first step is not to be so damn pornal. All it does is fill my mind with what if's... heck it made me cheat on her already. That was my choice. I could have not pushed the issue and I take the blame for that. So if I continue on that road where do you think it'll end up?? I'll do it again and again and continue lying to her and eventually hurting her more than I ever could. I've broken too many damns hearts because of something that doesn't even have a brain.... go figure.

Okay I think I'm ranting now.... Thanks for listening.

Pitboss · 06-18-2002, 05:48 PM

Oh and another thing that I keep let bug me... I'm 35, she will be 38 in August... right now that doesn't matter to me. But what about a few years down the road when I start thinking how great it woudl be to have some fine young thang in my hands... you have to say that with a buck tooth look and hold ing your hands out in front of you like you're squeezing boobies to get the right effect....

I know that shouldn't matter.... but I think about those kind of things.

Maybe I am looking for excuses..............

Miss LeDix · 06-18-2002, 05:50 PM

PB....you are welcome to sit next to me! We will be the king and queen of non-pornal intelligence!

And for the record, you can have a wonderful relationship that is not based 150% on sex!

Pitboss · 06-18-2002, 06:09 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Miss LeDix
And for the record, you can have a wonderful relationship that is not based 150% on sex!

Our relationship isn't based entirely on sex... it's everything a relationship should be, as was my previous marriage... my problem is that I allow sex to control my thoughts and decisions.

I spent 11 years with my ex.. faithfull the entire time. Not saying that I didn't try to not be. Just never had a real opportunity to be. If it had been there I would have taken it. I'm a dog. I'm worse than a dog....... I divorced my wife because I knew someday, and someday soon I would cheat. I couldn't do that to her. So I still broke her heart and her dreams......

Dero · 06-18-2002, 06:25 PM

Ok,so now I know the specifics!!!Roger,you have what is called
"The Grass is Greener on the other side of the fence syndrome"
YUP...Been there,done dat...!!!
While you have something good happening in front(Amanda) of you,you waste it by looking and going on the other side of the fence(the other flirts,yeah the younger thangs).
What you have to figure out at this stage is,WHAT YOU WANT...
Don't go changing your whole life,well some of it,WILL have to change depending of the outcome of your choice...
Another thing,DON'T GO BEATING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD WITH A STICK,it does'nt help much,only gets you a mofo of a headach!!!
Like you said in a previous post,you need to set your priorities in life...
I'm glad to hear that you don't care about what others think of you,'cus you know I think your an ahole

(All this time staying serious...You know me!!!)
I hope you don't mind me adding my two cents to this ALREADY full of good advices thread...
Yes,I also care...
Keep your chin up BUDDY.

Denis

lina · 06-18-2002, 09:36 PM

PB, I can hear you're hurtin'.

Here's a big hug!

:

Wow, lots of reading in this diary!!! Like I said, love your novels... When are you publishing this book? What shall we call it...hmmm...ok, seriously...I agree with what Dero said. Oh wise one!!!!

This won't be an easy road for you. Just like quitting smoking takes effort and 'one day at a time' mentality, so will trying to be less pornal. It's a matter of how bad you want it. Do you really want it or do you want it for your son? If it is genuinely what YOU really want then if you put your darnest effort, you have a good chance in succeeding. If you are merely doing it for your son, to be a good role model, to give him a sense of security, because you know it's the 'right' thing, then you are not doing it for yourself, and some day, you will go back to your old ways. Even if you don't go back to your old ways, you will feel miserable and in the end resent Amanda or whoever you end up with.

So change will not be easy. You'll have to work at it. Just like any business plan, you will have to clearly write down your goals, and any actions you want to take for this change. One day at a time. Old habits are hard to break. In the end, your beliefs, values, morals have to be planted so strongly that if you know where you are weak, you AVOID those situations so bad things can't happen...

There are soooo many distractions out there and you seem to be a magnet for them!!!!!

I've had to make those choices too and believe me they are hard!!! It's soo tempting!!! What happens if you've been with Amanda for a while and the honeymoon phase fizzles, the 7 year itch arrives? Believe me I've been there! I'm not saying you two will get married, but let's say stay with each other.. Again, you'll have to work hard to make it work... one day at a time...

How bad do you want it?

Look inside what do you see?

J'Bo · 06-18-2002, 09:37 PM

Holy did i miss alot today.
PB really, you need to shape up and stop thinking so negatively.
Why do you keep on saying, i am going to do this and then that and so on? If these are things you are comfortable doing then you will if you don't want to then STOP.

I don't really think you intentionally hurt females in your life, you just do because you have never corrected yourself. Once you realize that sex with one person is better than a one nighter than you will stop drifting. Relationships die down a little after a while and its up to you to spice them up. Everyone looks and flirts a little with the opposite sex, even when they have a partener. I really could go on about relationships stuff for hours, cause even though i am still young i have been through more relationships problems then most 40 year olds. I too had a problem with settling down and loved the idea of a new flavor every month. Doing that really does effect your relationships and sex down the road (mine anyways). After you have just (pardon my language) fuqed for so long it is hard to learn how to make love and express feelings rather than just put "shows on".

I really don't think a therapist has ever really helped someone in your sort of situation, its talking to other people and finding yourself rather than talking to a text book.

I will PM you tommorrow, cause i have a splitting headache and need to sleep. Try to sleep to. I will be thinking of you.

Pitboss · 06-18-2002, 09:52 PM

Okay I realized something today... first I have a bunch of great people here that I'd liek to call my friends.. A lot of great feedback and a lot of useful stuff.

second.. I am not depressed just so we all know that. My minds been running OT since Friday about this relationship and my life..

Third.. aren't diary entries supposed to be like once a day??? LOL

Pitboss · 06-18-2002, 09:59 PM

alright so let me throw this out there.... besides being overly pornal... possibly addicted to sex and a couple of other flaws I happen to really, really like who I am. So why change me?

Now my question... say I decide that I do not want a committed relationship with Amanda, really I don't think I'm ready and jumped to soon to begin with... But I really want her to be in my life.. I don't want to lose her. So I'm suggesting that we date, hang out together, etc... but not on such a serious level.. and yes that leaves dating others open. If she goes for it great... I the selfish one gets the best of both worlds.. I know.

Now say she says she can't do that... now what??? I don't want to lose her but yet I'm not willing to commit...... I'm fuq'd huh?

Pitboss · 06-18-2002, 10:01 PM

Change of subject really quick.. it is my diary you know...

damn VCR just ate another tape!! That's the 3rd p.... uhm 3rd uh monster truck video this week.

J'Bo · 06-18-2002, 10:12 PM

PB

You are going to hurt her more by keeping her as your hang out buddy. You have to cut her lose, its not fair to her. You just have to occupy your mind with something else, and try not to think of her.

lina · 06-18-2002, 10:16 PM

Agree with J'Bo...

Be honest and upfront.

06-18-2002, 10:07 AM	#32
J'Bo Cuddle Slut Join Date: May 2002 Location: Back in Canada Posts: 9,753 Photos: 6	You prefer to give rather than recieve? Maybe thats why your relationships with the ladies aren't working out.
	....and thats my $.02

06-18-2002, 11:52 AM	#34
Pitboss User title goes here Elite Member Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: In my own world Posts: 3,114 Photos: 6	How does this go?? I think something like this.... Dear Diary, I am so totally confused. I really do like Amanda a lot. She says she loves me and I don't doubt that. She says she will do anything for me and make all kinds of compromises to make this work for us. My ex was the same way. But here I am confused as hell because I have more love than I could ever wish for and for some reason that just isn't enough. I'm coming to the same reasons for my divorce as this split now. Why can't I be happy with the idea of being with just one person? With someone who loves me for who I am? Why do I let sex control my feelings? Why can't I just look away from some hot babe instead of wondering what it will take for me to "get me some of that"??? I let sex.. lust control me like I let cigarrettes control me. The last thing I want to do is get into another 11 year relationship and call it quits because I want to fuq every woman that turns me, or comes on to me. Something just ain't right upstairs.... definately a screw loose somewhere. A gland out of whack.... maybe prozac is an option? So now I'm left with a decision that will hurt her now or possibly hurt her later. And I'm stuck on not wanting to lose her... inside I can't help but think either way I'm going to hurt her. But what if I can find a way to ignore those feelings of lust.... oh wait I did that before and what happened? My wife and I never had sex.. I turned my lust for others inside out and had to lie to her and to myself to explain my actions... I began to tell her that I was not attracted to her and that we had become more liek best friends than lovers... shitty huh? Great for her self esteem...... I'm such an a$$hole. I think back to all the shiat I did and said, and even now the same patterns are showing up. How could I possibly deserve to be loved the way they both loved me?? That's another part that kills me.... gives me so much guilt.
	167 170 175 180 185 190 195 196 197 198 199 200 \|- -\|----\|----\|----\|----\|----\|---\|---\|---\|---\|---\| **** ^^^^^^^^^^^^^Progress^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 2/22- ?? my gym membership expired!! 2/11- 170lbs 2/4 - 167lbs

06-18-2002, 11:56 AM	#35
Pitboss User title goes here Elite Member Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: In my own world Posts: 3,114 Photos: 6	Oh and then to add a little extra to the stew... I've sort of discussed some of my feelings with my ex and she is basically pushing to get out. That I am doing exactly the same thing to Amanda as I did with her, and that's not fair to Amanda. If she had her number she would call her and tell her run, run very fast and very far away!!! She's probably right. She says what I need is either a woman who doesn't care what I do, with you or where... or at least someone who is into swinging to satisfy my needs. She could be right...
	167 170 175 180 185 190 195 196 197 198 199 200 \|- -\|----\|----\|----\|----\|----\|---\|---\|---\|---\|---\| **** ^^^^^^^^^^^^^Progress^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 2/22- ?? my gym membership expired!! 2/11- 170lbs 2/4 - 167lbs

06-18-2002, 04:03 PM	#36
Pitboss User title goes here Elite Member Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: In my own world Posts: 3,114 Photos: 6	Okay I braking my heart here thinking and thinking about this damn reationship crap.... why oh why did we have to evolve?? I could have been so much happier in cave man times..... I know me. If I don't just say we are through I will go back to her. Then a few months later it'll all start again.. I'll get moody and start coming up with excuses, blah, blah.... then we will stay together because she'll start crying and I'll freak out because I'm hurting her... and then it starts all over again. FUQ FUQ FUQ But dammit I do miss her. I miss holding her and talking to her. I miss watchign her get dressed.. damn I do miss her. She called and left a message.. it was sad but nice. But now I'm afraid to call her. I'm not sure what I want to say anymore, or even what to think anymore but any of this. Sex??? my driving force. In the past I had made attempts to chaneg my ways for my wife. No more porn, surfing the internet, flirting or anything that would take my attention away from her. In the long run I felt worse, more apart from her and just not myself. Do I do this again?? Do I just make that commitment and stay with it... better or worse? I really just want to go home, go to sleep and wait until tomorrow, a new day.... though it will consist of the same problems and issues all over again....
	167 170 175 180 185 190 195 196 197 198 199 200 \|- -\|----\|----\|----\|----\|----\|---\|---\|---\|---\|---\| **** ^^^^^^^^^^^^^Progress^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 2/22- ?? my gym membership expired!! 2/11- 170lbs 2/4 - 167lbs

06-18-2002, 04:11 PM	#38
naturaltan Going nowhere fast! Elite Member Join Date: Jul 2001 Posts: 9,900 Photos: 7	take the hugs man! if you don't, I could be your emotional replacement ... * giggle *
	just kick'in it in the ole Charger

06-18-2002, 04:16 PM	#39
naturaltan Going nowhere fast! Elite Member Join Date: Jul 2001 Posts: 9,900 Photos: 7	If I have to send Mrs.NT down there ... you'll be sorry - I think!
	just kick'in it in the ole Charger

06-18-2002, 04:52 PM	#41
Miss LeDix Sassy Lady! Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: USA Posts: 1,754	PB, sounds like you are going through a lot. Why type of health insurance do you have? You may want to see if a therapist is covered, it may just help to speak to an unbiased person. I cannot begin to give you any advice, I wish you the best of luck with whatever decision you make. I think you've made a bit step by admitting you may need some sort of help. Oh, and I like that sig! What do you mean, you want to sit next to me?
	My little man! http://bellsouthpwp.net/l/a/lance911...otos/0718a.jpg

06-18-2002, 04:58 PM	#42
Pitboss User title goes here Elite Member Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: In my own world Posts: 3,114 Photos: 6	So is that my answer??? Change my ways? Become a different person with real life objectives and goals? Real dreams? Don't think of sex as sex anymore. That's past history.. back when I was a rip roaring youngster. I've sowed my oats. No reason why I can't be happy as hell with someone who loves me. Stop having sex and start making love.... why so I find this to be a lot harder than I am making it sound. I know I want to be the best dad I can for my son. My son is numero uno in my life... so maybe that's enough for me? The rest of this stuff is just trivial??? So be there for my kid and then have whatever fun I can in life.... but then again the fun has to end sometime when we finally grow up. Damn so many questions and no real answers. I still haven't called Amanda back.. now I'm feeling like shiat for doing that to her.
	167 170 175 180 185 190 195 196 197 198 199 200 \|- -\|----\|----\|----\|----\|----\|---\|---\|---\|---\|---\| **** ^^^^^^^^^^^^^Progress^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 2/22- ?? my gym membership expired!! 2/11- 170lbs 2/4 - 167lbs

06-18-2002, 05:11 PM	#44
esmerelda Registered User Join Date: Feb 2002 Location: Playing in the sun!!!! Posts: 767	Hey baby!!!!! Kinda wanna put my 2 cents worth in.....never.. and I repeat NEVER change who you are to suit anyone else!!! So you like to look around...welcome to the real world!!! So you dont want to settle down with one lady....welcome to the real world!!! So you dont know if you want to get caught up in another long term relationship...welcome to the real world!!! What Im trying to say....Roger...Listen to me!!!! Is be you....get comfortable in your own skin!!! The reason you dont like what your doing is cos you dont know what you really want!! You had a long relationship with the Missus...11yrs right?? That takes you well into that age when young guns were playing around...you wernt really ready to settle down.....so play now!!!! Life doesnt mean you have to have one person in your life always....tell Amanda that your not sure what you want...she may not like what she hears....but at least you've put the cards on the table and she will know where she stands and if she wants she can join in!!! Always be true to you first....then to Carter....then to the ladies in your life!!!! You are more important than anything or anyone else.....here ends the lesson!!!!!!! And if your not careful...Im going to send in the Jolly White Airman to kick your lilly white ass!!!! Albob.....get the picture?!!!
	Smile at your enemies, it'll drive them crazy.........'cos that twinkle in your eye means your up to something!!!!

06-18-2002, 05:44 PM	#45
Pitboss User title goes here Elite Member Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: In my own world Posts: 3,114 Photos: 6	For the record... I would never change me to satisify someone else... one men can not be changed by women!!!!!!! However it is a different story for me to change who I am to become a better person. For me, for my son and for whomever happens to be in my life. I can't continue on saying I love someone but yet sit and flirt with with some girl I brushed up against at the bar hoping to get her number as my gf/wife is sitting 20 feet away. That's just fuq'd.. oh wrong thread. I don't know. I need some time to think what it is I want. We just got off the phone and she's starting to feel better, laughing and being her normal self. She is accepting what is happening or could be happening. I've already screwed up her self esteem regarding sex.. she thinks she isn't enough for me, or good enough for me. And this is all due to me wanting more and more and more variety in my life.... so yeah that's fuq'd up. Anyhow... I think my first step is not to be so damn pornal. All it does is fill my mind with what if's... heck it made me cheat on her already. That was my choice. I could have not pushed the issue and I take the blame for that. So if I continue on that road where do you think it'll end up?? I'll do it again and again and continue lying to her and eventually hurting her more than I ever could. I've broken too many damns hearts because of something that doesn't even have a brain.... go figure. Okay I think I'm ranting now.... Thanks for listening.
	167 170 175 180 185 190 195 196 197 198 199 200 \|- -\|----\|----\|----\|----\|----\|---\|---\|---\|---\|---\| **** ^^^^^^^^^^^^^Progress^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 2/22- ?? my gym membership expired!! 2/11- 170lbs 2/4 - 167lbs

06-18-2002, 05:48 PM	#46
Pitboss User title goes here Elite Member Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: In my own world Posts: 3,114 Photos: 6	Oh and another thing that I keep let bug me... I'm 35, she will be 38 in August... right now that doesn't matter to me. But what about a few years down the road when I start thinking how great it woudl be to have some fine young thang in my hands... you have to say that with a buck tooth look and hold ing your hands out in front of you like you're squeezing boobies to get the right effect.... I know that shouldn't matter.... but I think about those kind of things. Maybe I am looking for excuses..............
	167 170 175 180 185 190 195 196 197 198 199 200 \|- -\|----\|----\|----\|----\|----\|---\|---\|---\|---\|---\| **** ^^^^^^^^^^^^^Progress^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 2/22- ?? my gym membership expired!! 2/11- 170lbs 2/4 - 167lbs

06-18-2002, 05:50 PM	#47
Miss LeDix Sassy Lady! Join Date: Mar 2002 Location: USA Posts: 1,754	PB....you are welcome to sit next to me! We will be the king and queen of non-pornal intelligence! And for the record, you can have a wonderful relationship that is not based 150% on sex!
	My little man! http://bellsouthpwp.net/l/a/lance911...otos/0718a.jpg

06-18-2002, 06:25 PM	#49
Dero Registered User Join Date: Dec 2001 Posts: 10,779 Photos: 6	Ok,so now I know the specifics!!!Roger,you have what is called "The Grass is Greener on the other side of the fence syndrome" YUP...Been there,done dat...!!! While you have something good happening in front(Amanda) of you,you waste it by looking and going on the other side of the fence(the other flirts,yeah the younger thangs). What you have to figure out at this stage is,WHAT YOU WANT... Don't go changing your whole life,well some of it,WILL have to change depending of the outcome of your choice... Another thing,DON'T GO BEATING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD WITH A STICK,it does'nt help much,only gets you a mofo of a headach!!! Like you said in a previous post,you need to set your priorities in life... I'm glad to hear that you don't care about what others think of you,'cus you know I think your an ahole (All this time staying serious...You know me!!!) I hope you don't mind me adding my two cents to this ALREADY full of good advices thread... Yes,I also care... Keep your chin up BUDDY. Denis
	Senior citizen at work, don't bugg me.

06-18-2002, 09:36 PM	#50
lina It's a Wonderful Life!!! Elite Member Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: Lounging around... Posts: 2,797	PB, I can hear you're hurtin'. Here's a big hug! : Wow, lots of reading in this diary!!! Like I said, love your novels... When are you publishing this book? What shall we call it...hmmm...ok, seriously...I agree with what Dero said. Oh wise one!!!! This won't be an easy road for you. Just like quitting smoking takes effort and 'one day at a time' mentality, so will trying to be less pornal. It's a matter of how bad you want it. Do you really want it or do you want it for your son? If it is genuinely what YOU really want then if you put your darnest effort, you have a good chance in succeeding. If you are merely doing it for your son, to be a good role model, to give him a sense of security, because you know it's the 'right' thing, then you are not doing it for yourself, and some day, you will go back to your old ways. Even if you don't go back to your old ways, you will feel miserable and in the end resent Amanda or whoever you end up with. So change will not be easy. You'll have to work at it. Just like any business plan, you will have to clearly write down your goals, and any actions you want to take for this change. One day at a time. Old habits are hard to break. In the end, your beliefs, values, morals have to be planted so strongly that if you know where you are weak, you AVOID those situations so bad things can't happen... There are soooo many distractions out there and you seem to be a magnet for them!!!!! I've had to make those choices too and believe me they are hard!!! It's soo tempting!!! What happens if you've been with Amanda for a while and the honeymoon phase fizzles, the 7 year itch arrives? Believe me I've been there! I'm not saying you two will get married, but let's say stay with each other.. Again, you'll have to work hard to make it work... one day at a time... How bad do you want it? Look inside what do you see?

06-18-2002, 09:37 PM	#51
J'Bo Cuddle Slut Join Date: May 2002 Location: Back in Canada Posts: 9,753 Photos: 6	Holy did i miss alot today. PB really, you need to shape up and stop thinking so negatively. Why do you keep on saying, i am going to do this and then that and so on? If these are things you are comfortable doing then you will if you don't want to then STOP. I don't really think you intentionally hurt females in your life, you just do because you have never corrected yourself. Once you realize that sex with one person is better than a one nighter than you will stop drifting. Relationships die down a little after a while and its up to you to spice them up. Everyone looks and flirts a little with the opposite sex, even when they have a partener. I really could go on about relationships stuff for hours, cause even though i am still young i have been through more relationships problems then most 40 year olds. I too had a problem with settling down and loved the idea of a new flavor every month. Doing that really does effect your relationships and sex down the road (mine anyways). After you have just (pardon my language) fuqed for so long it is hard to learn how to make love and express feelings rather than just put "shows on". I really don't think a therapist has ever really helped someone in your sort of situation, its talking to other people and finding yourself rather than talking to a text book. I will PM you tommorrow, cause i have a splitting headache and need to sleep. Try to sleep to. I will be thinking of you.
	....and thats my $.02

06-18-2002, 09:52 PM	#52
Pitboss User title goes here Elite Member Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: In my own world Posts: 3,114 Photos: 6	Okay I realized something today... first I have a bunch of great people here that I'd liek to call my friends.. A lot of great feedback and a lot of useful stuff. second.. I am not depressed just so we all know that. My minds been running OT since Friday about this relationship and my life.. Third.. aren't diary entries supposed to be like once a day??? LOL
	167 170 175 180 185 190 195 196 197 198 199 200 \|- -\|----\|----\|----\|----\|----\|---\|---\|---\|---\|---\| **** ^^^^^^^^^^^^^Progress^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 2/22- ?? my gym membership expired!! 2/11- 170lbs 2/4 - 167lbs

06-18-2002, 09:59 PM	#53
Pitboss User title goes here Elite Member Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: In my own world Posts: 3,114 Photos: 6	alright so let me throw this out there.... besides being overly pornal... possibly addicted to sex and a couple of other flaws I happen to really, really like who I am. So why change me? Now my question... say I decide that I do not want a committed relationship with Amanda, really I don't think I'm ready and jumped to soon to begin with... But I really want her to be in my life.. I don't want to lose her. So I'm suggesting that we date, hang out together, etc... but not on such a serious level.. and yes that leaves dating others open. If she goes for it great... I the selfish one gets the best of both worlds.. I know. Now say she says she can't do that... now what??? I don't want to lose her but yet I'm not willing to commit...... I'm fuq'd huh?
	167 170 175 180 185 190 195 196 197 198 199 200 \|- -\|----\|----\|----\|----\|----\|---\|---\|---\|---\|---\| **** ^^^^^^^^^^^^^Progress^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 2/22- ?? my gym membership expired!! 2/11- 170lbs 2/4 - 167lbs

06-18-2002, 10:01 PM	#54
Pitboss User title goes here Elite Member Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: In my own world Posts: 3,114 Photos: 6	Change of subject really quick.. it is my diary you know... damn VCR just ate another tape!! That's the 3rd p.... uhm 3rd uh monster truck video this week.
	167 170 175 180 185 190 195 196 197 198 199 200 \|- -\|----\|----\|----\|----\|----\|---\|---\|---\|---\|---\| **** ^^^^^^^^^^^^^Progress^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 2/22- ?? my gym membership expired!! 2/11- 170lbs 2/4 - 167lbs

06-18-2002, 10:12 PM	#55
J'Bo Cuddle Slut Join Date: May 2002 Location: Back in Canada Posts: 9,753 Photos: 6	PB You are going to hurt her more by keeping her as your hang out buddy. You have to cut her lose, its not fair to her. You just have to occupy your mind with something else, and try not to think of her.
	....and thats my $.02

06-18-2002, 10:16 PM	#56
lina It's a Wonderful Life!!! Elite Member Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: Lounging around... Posts: 2,797	Agree with J'Bo... Be honest and upfront.