I made this list to clear some things up.(Pb will appreciate this)

**irontime** · 09-28-2002, 02:45 PM

Allright, it seems many of you are a little confused about what a bouncer is. So I’ve developed a list of common occurrences in the bar and how we actually feel about them.

1. Customer: Are there any cabs outside?
Bouncer: What? Do the walls look any thinner from where I’m standing dipshit? Guess what, there is a window AND a door ten feet away from you, go look for yourself.

2. Customer: Can you call me a cab?
Bouncer: Why? The phone that takes 25 cents has a different color than your shirt and clashes? You just spent about $50 and that extra 25 cents is going to break you, correct?

3. Customer: I don’t have any I.D. But I know your boss, go get him.
Bouncer: You know my boss? Well isn’t this a small fucking world. I know him too. In fact I remember talking to him a little while ago, and he told me “Don’t let anyone in without I.D.” Wow, how about that. I’m not standing here like a chimp asking for I.D. for the better of my health. I’m actually supposed to do this. So “NO” I’m not going to run around looking for my boss because your dumb ass couldn’t bring a small little card with your picture and birthday on it.

4. Customer: I swear to god I/he/she is over 18.
Bouncer: You swear to god? Well I swear to him to, “Fuck you god!!” But I still don’t see how that is going to get you in the bar.

5. Customer: This is a temporary I.D. until they send me a picture I.D. in two weeks.
Bouncer: See you in two weeks.

6. Customer: You want I.D.? You’re serious? But you I.D.’d me last week.
Bouncer: Well sorrrrryyyyy little miss ‘I just turned 18 three weeks ago and am too old and mature to pull out I.D.’

. Guess what? You look like you’re 12, and considering that I see a few hundred people every night, NO, I don’t remember seeing it last week. So sorry if I take 10 seconds out of your precious night to ask you for a fucking card. Believe me, I get off on it too.

7. Customer: Did my friend leave?
Bouncer: I don’t know and I really don’t give a shit.

8. Customer: I know it’s after last call, but can you get me another beer?
Bouncer: Another beer? Well sure, you’re in luck, but your going to have to wait a minute while I magically stick my hand up my ass and pull one out for you.

9. Customer: The video game/pool table isn’t working.
Bouncer: Really? Well just a second, I think I have a magic wand stuck in my ass right next to that beer I was saving for you. Just let me pull that out and we can set everything straight.

10. Customer: Can you watch my drink?
Bouncer: Why? Does it do interesting tricks?

Okay, I’ll watch it, but if I don’t see at least a backflip out of the son of a bitch I’m spitting in it!

11. Customer: Just let me finish my drink and we’ll leave.
Bouncer: What the hell?! All night you were downing drinks in ten minutes. Last call was almost an hour ago and you’re still not done that one fucking beer?

12. Customer: But it’s cold out and there are no cabs outside.
Bouncer: Well if your dumb-ass left after the last song was played we wouldn’t be having this problem now, would we?

13. Customer: Guess what I did today?
Bouncer: Oh great,

another long story about some loser sucking himself off. Listen buddy, the only reason I’m not walking away is because I’m stationed here, and the only reason I’m not telling you to “fuck off!” is because it’s my job to prevent fights. Seriously, go buy someone a beer and make them listen to it.

Well I hope that clears some issues up. I am a bouncer, I I.D. you and kick your ass out when you piss me off, that’s it. Now leave me alone!

**Scotty the Body** · 09-28-2002, 02:57 PM

Geez, whats up your ass?????

Oh yeah, a bottle of beer and a magic wand!

**Scotty the Body** · 09-28-2002, 02:58 PM

Hahahahaha, I think I'd go crazy and kill someone if I was a bouncer, drunk people can be sooooooooo stupid, that includes me when I was younger.

**Dero** · 09-28-2002, 03:48 PM

No comments!!!

**Pitboss** · 09-28-2002, 04:05 PM

10 out of 13 on a nightly basis!!!! No wonder I'm a fuq'ing asshole 90% of the time.....

Good one IT!!

**Trap-isaurus** · 09-29-2002, 03:18 AM

I was a bouncer for a summer and IT I hear ya brudda!!!!! People make ya wanna scream, drunk people make ya want to hurt em!!!!!!

**kuso** · 09-29-2002, 03:20 AM

Originally posted by Scotty the Body
Geez, whats up your ass?????

Oh yeah, a bottle of beer and a magic wand!

LOL.....I was thinking the same thing!

I feel a work related stress compensation claim in the making here

**Trap-isaurus** · 09-29-2002, 03:23 AM

Originally posted by kuso

LOL.....I was thinking the same thing!

I feel a work related stress compensation claim in the making here

gotta love that stress leave it's a beautiful thing!!!!

**Trap-isaurus** · 09-29-2002, 04:43 AM

say IT where do you work?? I may pop in for a beer and bum a quarter for the payphone

**irontime** · 09-29-2002, 02:24 PM

lol asshole

(but if you ever do come around to Lloydminster give me a pm)

**Muscle_Girl** · 09-29-2002, 04:40 PM

If I suck you off will you let me in??

**Dero** · 09-29-2002, 04:42 PM

MG...You got it all wrong!!!IT,is the one that wants in!!!

You should know dat by now...After leading him by da nose for da last year...

**irontime** · 09-29-2002, 06:06 PM

Originally posted by Muscle_Girl
If I suck you off will you let me in??

Actually I've seriously been offered that before, and she was pretty cute too, but I knew she was underage and I take my job seriously

damnit!

**Dero** · 09-29-2002, 06:08 PM

**irontime** · 09-29-2002, 06:09 PM

erhumm....*clears throat*
DIE!!!!

**Dero** · 09-29-2002, 06:12 PM

Way too serious!!!
"Seriously I have..."
"I take my job seriously!!!"

Is da library packed????

**irontime** · 09-29-2002, 06:16 PM

Didn't I already say 'DIE'? I could've sworn I have

**Dero** · 09-29-2002, 06:19 PM

Stop scratchin !!!
You might damage the little brain cells you have left!!!!
Yes you did say DIE,what's this you have short term amnesia????
No wonder you're still in school!!!!!!!

**Dero** · 09-29-2002, 06:30 PM

Hmmmmm,just like dat...pftftftft he disapeared!!!
Was it something I said?
I'de like to know,I would have to remember it for next time!!!

**Trap-isaurus** · 09-30-2002, 02:56 AM

Originally posted by irontime
lol asshole

(but if you ever do come around to Lloydminster give me a pm)

for sure brudda

(yes im an asshole

)

**irontime** · 09-30-2002, 01:07 PM

Originally posted by Dero
Hmmmmm,just like dat...pftftftft he disapeared!!!
Was it something I said?
I'de like to know,I would have to remember it for next time!!!

You wish fuzz brain

it was closing time and had to piss off, you'll never be rid of me, NEVER!!!

**Dero** · 09-30-2002, 01:30 PM

No I thought I had hurt your feeble feelings and you were gone away

...
I was wrong then!!!
How's da West Bro?
Getting any better at this school thing?

He,he...!!!!

**irontime** · 09-30-2002, 03:34 PM

Originally posted by Dero
How's da West Bro?
Getting any better at this school thing?

It's cold and no.

**butterfly** · 09-30-2002, 05:55 PM

So what kind of small talk doesn't piss you off??? Should people NEVER speak to you???

**Dero** · 09-30-2002, 05:57 PM

Like BOYCOTT IT!!!!
Is da what you mean B?

**david** · 09-30-2002, 06:16 PM

Originally posted by irontime
Allright, it seems many of you are a little confused about what a bouncer is. So I’ve developed a list of common occurrences in the bar and how we actually feel about them.

1. Customer: Are there any cabs outside?
Bouncer: What? Do the walls look any thinner from where I’m standing dipshit? Guess what, there is a window AND a door ten feet away from you, go look for yourself.

2. Customer: Can you call me a cab?
Bouncer: Why? The phone that takes 25 cents has a different color than your shirt and clashes? You just spent about $50 and that extra 25 cents is going to break you, correct?

3. Customer: I don’t have any I.D. But I know your boss, go get him.
Bouncer: You know my boss? Well isn’t this a small fucking world. I know him too. In fact I remember talking to him a little while ago, and he told me “Don’t let anyone in without I.D.” Wow, how about that. I’m not standing here like a chimp asking for I.D. for the better of my health. I’m actually supposed to do this. So “NO” I’m not going to run around looking for my boss because your dumb ass couldn’t bring a small little card with your picture and birthday on it.

4. Customer: I swear to god I/he/she is over 18.
Bouncer: You swear to god? Well I swear to him to, “Fuck you god!!” But I still don’t see how that is going to get you in the bar.

5. Customer: This is a temporary I.D. until they send me a picture I.D. in two weeks.
Bouncer: See you in two weeks.

6. Customer: You want I.D.? You’re serious? But you I.D.’d me last week.
Bouncer: Well sorrrrryyyyy little miss ‘I just turned 18 three weeks ago and am too old and mature to pull out I.D.’

. Guess what? You look like you’re 12, and considering that I see a few hundred people every night, NO, I don’t remember seeing it last week. So sorry if I take 10 seconds out of your precious night to ask you for a fucking card. Believe me, I get off on it too.

7. Customer: Did my friend leave?
Bouncer: I don’t know and I really don’t give a shit.

8. Customer: I know it’s after last call, but can you get me another beer?
Bouncer: Another beer? Well sure, you’re in luck, but your going to have to wait a minute while I magically stick my hand up my ass and pull one out for you.

9. Customer: The video game/pool table isn’t working.
Bouncer: Really? Well just a second, I think I have a magic wand stuck in my ass right next to that beer I was saving for you. Just let me pull that out and we can set everything straight.

10. Customer: Can you watch my drink?
Bouncer: Why? Does it do interesting tricks?

Okay, I’ll watch it, but if I don’t see at least a backflip out of the son of a bitch I’m spitting in it!

11. Customer: Just let me finish my drink and we’ll leave.
Bouncer: What the hell?! All night you were downing drinks in ten minutes. Last call was almost an hour ago and you’re still not done that one fucking beer?

12. Customer: But it’s cold out and there are no cabs outside.
Bouncer: Well if your dumb-ass left after the last song was played we wouldn’t be having this problem now, would we?

13. Customer: Guess what I did today?
Bouncer: Oh great,

another long story about some loser sucking himself off. Listen buddy, the only reason I’m not walking away is because I’m stationed here, and the only reason I’m not telling you to “fuck off!” is because it’s my job to prevent fights. Seriously, go buy someone a beer and make them listen to it.

Well I hope that clears some issues up. I am a bouncer, I I.D. you and kick your ass out when you piss me off, that’s it. Now leave me alone!

I've quite a few of these during my tenure as a bouncer a few months ago!

Great posts, IT!

**david** · 09-30-2002, 06:24 PM

Originally posted by irontime
Allright, it seems many of you are a little confused about what a bouncer is. So I’ve developed a list of common occurrences in the bar and how we actually feel about them.

1. Customer: Are there any cabs outside?
Bouncer: What? Do the walls look any thinner from where I’m standing dipshit? Guess what, there is a window AND a door ten feet away from you, go look for yourself.

2. Customer: Can you call me a cab?
Bouncer: Why? The phone that takes 25 cents has a different color than your shirt and clashes? You just spent about $50 and that extra 25 cents is going to break you, correct?

3. Customer: I don’t have any I.D. But I know your boss, go get him.
Bouncer: You know my boss? Well isn’t this a small fucking world. I know him too. In fact I remember talking to him a little while ago, and he told me “Don’t let anyone in without I.D.” Wow, how about that. I’m not standing here like a chimp asking for I.D. for the better of my health. I’m actually supposed to do this. So “NO” I’m not going to run around looking for my boss because your dumb ass couldn’t bring a small little card with your picture and birthday on it.

4. Customer: I swear to god I/he/she is over 18.
Bouncer: You swear to god? Well I swear to him to, “Fuck you god!!” But I still don’t see how that is going to get you in the bar.

5. Customer: This is a temporary I.D. until they send me a picture I.D. in two weeks.
Bouncer: See you in two weeks.

6. Customer: You want I.D.? You’re serious? But you I.D.’d me last week.
Bouncer: Well sorrrrryyyyy little miss ‘I just turned 18 three weeks ago and am too old and mature to pull out I.D.’

. Guess what? You look like you’re 12, and considering that I see a few hundred people every night, NO, I don’t remember seeing it last week. So sorry if I take 10 seconds out of your precious night to ask you for a fucking card. Believe me, I get off on it too.

7. Customer: Did my friend leave?
Bouncer: I don’t know and I really don’t give a shit.

8. Customer: I know it’s after last call, but can you get me another beer?
Bouncer: Another beer? Well sure, you’re in luck, but your going to have to wait a minute while I magically stick my hand up my ass and pull one out for you.

9. Customer: The video game/pool table isn’t working.
Bouncer: Really? Well just a second, I think I have a magic wand stuck in my ass right next to that beer I was saving for you. Just let me pull that out and we can set everything straight.

10. Customer: Can you watch my drink?
Bouncer: Why? Does it do interesting tricks?

Okay, I’ll watch it, but if I don’t see at least a backflip out of the son of a bitch I’m spitting in it!

11. Customer: Just let me finish my drink and we’ll leave.
Bouncer: What the hell?! All night you were downing drinks in ten minutes. Last call was almost an hour ago and you’re still not done that one fucking beer?

12. Customer: But it’s cold out and there are no cabs outside.
Bouncer: Well if your dumb-ass left after the last song was played we wouldn’t be having this problem now, would we?

13. Customer: Guess what I did today?
Bouncer: Oh great,

another long story about some loser sucking himself off. Listen buddy, the only reason I’m not walking away is because I’m stationed here, and the only reason I’m not telling you to “fuck off!” is because it’s my job to prevent fights. Seriously, go buy someone a beer and make them listen to it.

Well I hope that clears some issues up. I am a bouncer, I I.D. you and kick your ass out when you piss me off, that’s it. Now leave me alone!

I've quite a few of these during my tenure as a bouncer a few months ago!

Great posts, IT!

**irontime** · 10-01-2002, 10:34 AM

Originally posted by butterfly
So what kind of small talk doesn't piss you off??? Should people NEVER speak to you???

Not saying that at all BF, for example this type of conversation would be perfectly exceptable for a nicely shaped lady;

"Hi Mr.Bouncer, I was wondering if you would be interested in a meaningless fling after you were done work tonight?"

**Muscle_Girl** · 10-01-2002, 05:12 PM

Originally posted by irontime
Actually I've seriously been offered that before, and she was pretty cute too, but I knew she was underage and I take my job seriously

damnit!

Okie... how about two BJ's and you buy me a drink.. I am not that far behind! And I don't really look that young.

**irontime** · 10-01-2002, 05:17 PM

.............okay

Thread: I made this list to clear some things up.(Pb will appreciate this)

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I made this list to clear some things up.(Pb will appreciate this)

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