Originally posted by irontime
Allright, it seems many of you are a little confused about what a bouncer is. So I’ve developed a list of common occurrences in the bar and how we actually feel about them. 1. Customer: Are there any cabs outside?
Bouncer: What? Do the walls look any thinner from where I’m standing dipshit? Guess what, there is a window AND a door ten feet away from you, go look for yourself. 2. Customer: Can you call me a cab?
Bouncer: Why? The phone that takes 25 cents has a different color than your shirt and clashes? You just spent about $50 and that extra 25 cents is going to break you, correct? 3. Customer: I don’t have any I.D. But I know your boss, go get him.
Bouncer: You know my boss? Well isn’t this a small fucking world. I know him too. In fact I remember talking to him a little while ago, and he told me “Don’t let anyone in without I.D.” Wow, how about that. I’m not standing here like a chimp asking for I.D. for the better of my health. I’m actually supposed to do this. So “NO” I’m not going to run around looking for my boss because your dumb ass couldn’t bring a small little card with your picture and birthday on it. 4. Customer: I swear to god I/he/she is over 18.
Bouncer: You swear to god? Well I swear to him to, “Fuck you god!!” But I still don’t see how that is going to get you in the bar. 5. Customer: This is a temporary I.D. until they send me a picture I.D. in two weeks.
Bouncer: See you in two weeks. 6. Customer: You want I.D.? You’re serious? But you I.D.’d me last week.
Bouncer: Well sorrrrryyyyy little miss ‘I just turned 18 three weeks ago and am too old and mature to pull out I.D.’
. Guess what? You look like you’re 12, and considering that I see a few hundred people every night, NO, I don’t remember seeing it last week. So sorry if I take 10 seconds out of your precious night to ask you for a fucking card. Believe me, I get off on it too. 7. Customer: Did my friend leave?
Bouncer: I don’t know and I really don’t give a shit. 8. Customer: I know it’s after last call, but can you get me another beer?
Bouncer: Another beer? Well sure, you’re in luck, but your going to have to wait a minute while I magically stick my hand up my ass and pull one out for you. 9. Customer: The video game/pool table isn’t working.
Bouncer: Really? Well just a second, I think I have a magic wand stuck in my ass right next to that beer I was saving for you. Just let me pull that out and we can set everything straight. 10. Customer: Can you watch my drink?
Bouncer: Why? Does it do interesting tricks?
Okay, I’ll watch it, but if I don’t see at least a backflip out of the son of a bitch I’m spitting in it! 11. Customer: Just let me finish my drink and we’ll leave.
Bouncer: What the hell?! All night you were downing drinks in ten minutes. Last call was almost an hour ago and you’re still not done that one fucking beer? 12. Customer: But it’s cold out and there are no cabs outside.
Bouncer: Well if your dumb-ass left after the last song was played we wouldn’t be having this problem now, would we? 13. Customer: Guess what I did today?
Bouncer: Oh great,
another long story about some loser sucking himself off. Listen buddy, the only reason I’m not walking away is because I’m stationed here, and the only reason I’m not telling you to “fuck off!” is because it’s my job to prevent fights. Seriously, go buy someone a beer and make them listen to it.
Well I hope that clears some issues up. I am a bouncer, I I.D. you and kick your ass out when you piss me off, that’s it. Now leave me alone!