Thread: Keeping Your Marriage Strong -- Even With Kids

Judged (unfairly, probably) from this snippet, I think Chuck and Liz are made for each other -- self-absorbed, one dimensional pains-in-the ass who have constructed a nifty rationalization for putting one's own selfish wants before the needs of one's children. I bet their marriage goes swimmingly -- until he or she decides they need "more space" then takes the first opportunistic exit. What's Morse Code for, "I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you?"

I love the expression "the joy of being parent" yet most of them complain daily about it.

Too funny. Amazes me how anyone wants to have one kid let alone 3 or more.

Originally Posted by Gena Marie

Ah, the joys of raising children: The pitter-patter of little feet, the tiny plump hands slipped into yours, the first day of school...and the bitter arguments with your spouse over who gets to go to the gym after work tonight.

While children are wonderful, there's no question that their arrival can put strains on a marriage. Between the lack of sleep, fragmented attention, and, in some cases, strained finances, parents often find themselves losing the connection that brought them together in the first place -- if not fighting like cats and dogs over who does more housework, who pays more bills, and who knows best how to raise a child.

A recent study of 218 couples over the first eight years of marriage found a sudden negative aspect to measures such as relationship satisfaction once couples became parents, compared to those who didn't. And while the researchers found that childless marriages also lose some luster over time, having babies takes the shine off faster than when couples remain child-free.

The Importance of the Marital Bond
"The writer Nora Ephron once said, 'Having a baby is like throwing a hand grenade into a marriage,'" says Charles Schmitz, PhD. "I've always thought that was pretty apt." Schmitz, who is dean emeritus of counseling and family therapy at the University of Missouri-St. Louis, and his wife, Elizabeth Schmitz, EdD, president of Successful Marriage Reflections, LLC, have studied thousands of couples in 45 countries in their search for the secrets to a happy marriage. And one of the key ones, they say, is figuring out what your priorities are and should be.

"The relationship between husband and wife should trump everything else," Charles says. "You have to keep it strong, keep the romantic energy. Everything else comes from that. Children are beautiful, but they're not the sole purpose of marriage."

That's why, they say, when married-with-children couples start to bicker or grow apart, it's time to change the patterns they have fallen into. "We believe that sometimes you have to jolt your marriage from negative to positive," Elizabeth says.

"If your husband comes home and you immediately start arguing about housework, you have to change the conversation. Don't start with complaints. Start with an expression of appreciation."


Tips for Keeping Your Marriage Strong
Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz traveled the world to study thousands of successful couples. Their book, Building a Love That Lasts: The Seven Surprising Secrets of Successful Marriage, details what they learned, including these findings:

Time in -- Whether it's a date night, a walk in the park, or going for a bike ride, "you have to spend time together to keep the flame alive," Elizabeth says. "You have to allow time for each other."

Time out -- Conversely, alone time is also crucial. "In the best marriages, spouses allow each other time for solitude, so they can think private thoughts or just get things done," Elizabeth says.

Touchy, touchy -- Successful couples use the "Morse code of marriage," Charles says. "It's called touching. It's a substitute for talking about feelings. You are saying, 'I love you so much I have to touch you.'"

I love this article, I totally agree with it...
Yes, children are wonderful, but no question that their arrival can put strains on a marriage. Lackof sleep can surely be a marriage worst enemy.

Thank god my youngest is now 3, so I can finally sleep the whole night..
I love the "Time in" "Time out" "Touchy touchy" concept.. it is totally true,
many couples get so involved with their kids & life itself that they forget how to even be a couple anymore..

Married couples could easily start to drift apart and get too involved with family life and kids.. I love my kids and I'm a very involved parent, but my husband & I always find time to reconnect, and spend time together..

Happier parents happier children "works good for everyone"

For some reason I just love dating but not marrying.

This was a refreshing and encouraging article. Thanks!

We just had my second child 6 weeks ago. My first is turning 2 this weekend. I haven't had sex with my wife in about 4 months. Couple reasons though. The last few months of her pregnancy were really tough. Also, after you have a kid the women has to recover for about 6 weeks. That is where we are at right now. Tomorrow is her check up though. If doctor says she is all good then we'll be all good. If you know what I'm saying

Originally Posted by Gena Marie

Successful couples use the "Morse code of marriage," Charles says. "It's called touching. It's a substitute for talking about feelings. You are saying, 'I love you so much I have to touch you.'"

I use this one a lot.

Nah, women just tend to forget, after marriage, that

"your job is to fuck your husband."

- Eddie Murphy, 1987