Thread: Divorce after 15 years????

I think it's time for marriage counseling.

seriously.

I think you are probably right...I just don't know if I have the strength. I know I need to for the kids, but I just feel so "tired".

well i can honestly say that i have never been married (offically) before, however everything you have just said sounds pretty darn familiar to me.

I know exactely what you mean by your "just so tired".

After 1 year of crying myself to sleep every night because i was so confused, i finally said enough was enough and i left.

I think that relationships (especially when there are children involved) require you to try to work things through..no matter how long it takes...either way...you will know when it is time to leave and not look back...or make a nest and love him forever....

My ex and i are now wonderful friends and we are both extatic about our decision.

So dont push for an answer cause it wil come to you...you will "just know" what it right in your heart.

My thoughts are with you in these trying times.

Hug and kiss to you.

xox
J'Bo

Thank you. Your words mean a lot.

I am glad things worked out for you like they did. Fortunately for us, we are talking with some sense and not a lot of anger so if it does come to that...we can do it without completely screwing up our kids.

I feel for you buff_tat2d_chick. w8lifter and I had a hell year last year and we were at the brink of divorce. It literally came down to her saying yes or no to marriage counselling. If she had said "no", I was gone. We tried the counselling, and it didn't work, but we were able to resolve most of our issues ourselves.

It's very hard to think straight when you're in this type of situation. The whole relationship is under stress and neither one of you are really talking to each other. The tension in the house is brutal and draining.

I don't really see the correlation between mis-managing your finanaces and him thinking you're going to cheat on him.

The whole trust issue usually is a sign of low self worth. I know, cause that describes me perfectly. I didn't see it until I talked to the counsellor, and went to a couple of marriage websites like this one.Marriage builders

You may think to yourself, "My husband doesn't have low self worth!", but he may be hiding it. I'm a Federal Correctional Officer, a member of the IERT (SWAT) team, Attack dog handler, a professional fighter, and I run my own small business. I also keep myself in very good shape. My wife and family never have to worry about money because I have made sure they are comfortable, but still there are times I look at w8 and think; "Why is she with ME?"

I had to realize that I can't control what my wife does. If she's going to cheat, she's going to cheat on me no matter what I do. I still struggle with this, everyday. Men are constantly ogling her, hitting on her, e-mailing her marriage proposals, etc. I find it very annoying, but I have to deal with it.

Have you become "bored" with each other? Sometimes when people get comfortable with each other, they don't try to seduce thier spouse anymore. Little things like, emailing him and saying "I love you" mean alot. Or, him just walking in the door from work and saying "My God, you're gorgeous!" The little things that you used to do for each other when you first met and were courting.

It's hard to pin down a hard and fast rule to follow, cause everyone is different , and they react to different circumstances, but maybe try talking to him (not arguing), or write a letter and read it aloud to him. Don't accuse, just tell him what you feel is happening. It's worth a shot to at least honestly try before divorcing. You have nothing to lose by putting all your cards on the table and being honest and saying what you feel. At least you will know you tried.

I wish you the best of luck.

Damn Rob! Very well said!! I'm impressed!

Thanks man. Wow. You guys on this board are awesome. I knew I could get some personal feelings here... I just need to hear that I am not the only one who has to deal with things like this. It really makes my stomach ache.

I am happy for you and w8. It sounds like you had to come to terms with a lot.

I am going to try what you suggested...and write a letter and put it all on the table...like you said -what do we have to lose? We can't lose much more. But you are so right...the tension is so thick I can hardly breath.

I am slipping. I have to get back to the gym. I let this get in my way and I feel terrible. I get cranky and frustrated when I don't get to work out for a few day and it has been more than just a few days. My eating habits suck...I don't eat...I can't...I am too stressed. I finally ate today, I haven't eaten since Monday when I had 3/4 of a sandwich the whole entire day...WTF???? WTF is wrong with me?? I just feel sick...not ill...just sick.

Thanks for the note...it really did help.

I just know I gotta get through this one way or another.

Originally posted by buff_tat2d_chick
Thanks man. Wow. You guys on this board are awesome. I knew I could get some personal feelings here... I just need to hear that I am not the only one who has to deal with things like this. It really makes my stomach ache.

No, you're not alone. Many people have/are dealing with similar things as you. Alot of people on this board supported me when I was going through this. To them, I will be eternally grateful, for letting me know there was someone out there who understood. I don't think they realize how much I appreciate them for thier acts of kindness. I can't express it.

I am going to try what you suggested...and write a letter and put it all on the table...like you said -what do we have to lose? We can't lose much more. But you are so right...the tension is so thick I can hardly breath.

I know, it's terrible. Just try and not let anger get in the way, it won't help. When things were tough here and i couldn't take the tension anymore, I would just walk up to w8 and give her a hug for a few moments. Just to let off some of the tension.

I am slipping. I have to get back to the gym. I let this get in my way and I feel terrible. I get cranky and frustrated when I don't get to work out for a few day and it has been more than just a few days. My eating habits suck...I don't eat...I can't...I am too stressed. I finally ate today, I haven't eaten since Monday when I had 3/4 of a sandwich the whole entire day...WTF???? WTF is wrong with me?? I just feel sick...not ill...just sick.

You need to take care of yourself. You're the only person you can control or change. No matter what happens, you are in control of what you do. Sometimes you have to step up and be the bigger person. There was alot of shit I had to swallow I didn't and still don't like, but I did it cause I wanted us to be together.

Thanks for the note...it really did help.

I just know I gotta get through this one way or another.

[b]I just wanted to finish by saying that I think you should be proud of yourself for the way you are handling this. You are under tremendous stress, you're mothering 5 kids, running a house, and even with all that on your plate, you are actively trying to find a solution to your problems. Good for you. Like I said earlier, whichever way it goes, at least you can be proud that you tried your best.

THANKS!! and I really do mean that.



On a lighter note...have I told you guys that I graduate from college in 19 real days and 12 actual school days!?!?! I am so excited and stressed all at the same time. I will have my degree in Biology...funny huh...a tattooed mad scientist Anyway, there is more I have been substitute teaching at the local High school 2-3 days of the week around my school schedule and I may have gotten a teaching job there!! Woo hoo! I won't know for a couple of weeks though...the waiting is killing me. I will let you know as soon as I find something out.



Ever felt like the ride was never gonna end and you were gonna throw-up???

Wow!! That's awesome!

This will help with the money situation, I assume.

Originally posted by mmafiter
This will help with the money situation, I assume.

Yes, most definitely!

I can't speak from experience in my own marriage but I can tell you what I've learned from watching my borther go through hell. DO NOT STAY TOGETHER FOR THE KIDS!!! I know that sounds harsh and it's the first thing people think of when they contemplate divorce but they think about it all wrong. Their first thought is, "Oh dear, we have to stay together so we don't hurt the children". WRONG! If the situation is so bad you're looking at a divorce you OWE it to the kids to do it and do it quickly. Put yourself in their shoes, would you rather be in a stable house with only one parent or in a battle zone with both parents. Again, I'm speaking from the point of an objective observer, it's better for the kids to just get it over with so they can get on with thier lives. It's much harder on them to see their parents fighting all the time.

I must agree with Albob..

Somebody once told me that marriage is the one union where people stay in it longer than they should merely because they feel obligated to..

Hopefully , things will work out for you. Life works in a myterious way

Buff............I don't know if I missed it or not...been away from the site for a little while.....but you didn't say how long you've been married for???

How old are the kids..............????

What does he do for a living??????

Originally posted by esmerelda you didn't say how long you've been married for???

Ummmm............Essy.............Did you happen to READ the title of this thread?

Hell....let the poor girl do a 14 hr shift...after an extra session of over-time and you slam her poor ass to the wall!!!!!!! I know you'd like to do that .......but that is alas another thread!!!!

OK...I stuffed up the first question...soooooooo.....shoot me!!!

15 yrs..........Buff let me re-type that question before Alvicious jumps on me again.....did you ever get the 7 yr itch.....10 yr itch???

Real sorry to hear this, Get help ASAP

I can't possible agree more with MMA, you said you still love him but are you still in love with him, there is a difference, and that in itself makes a world of difference, I, for one, have experienced 2 divorces, both my choice, and agreeing w/ALBOB, I chose not to stay in them because of the children, lots of other reasons too, now recently in a relationship that I want, we try to work very hard to keep it together, one thing we did, when I lived with him in NY, I don't anymore, that's another story but we had a journal so when we couldn't express how we felt to eachother we wrote it down in the journal, and responding in it too, it worked for what it needed too, good thearpy for yourself at least, congratulations on your graduation and your new job(you'll get it), you'll have a new income and your expenses will work themselves out, in my own experience, I was accused of what the accuser was doing, to negate their own guilt, take care of yourself and just do the right thing, sometimes the only way to get through the day is minute by minute.........take care buff, BTW, I see you changed your SIG, bravo for you, lots of good things coming your way, did you ever think he might be jealous of your accomplishments, people act out in different ways when they are not really sure what's bothering them, so they focus on one thing that they do know bothers them, plus they take it out on the one they love the most....which would be YOU......

The reason why I asked the questions are that I too have been in the same boat!!! Hell....if we were all honest...90 % would say the same thing in one form or another.....it just depends on how long you were married!!!

When I got married, I wasn't marrying for all the right reasons I suppose you could say! I was asked at the lowest point of my life, and I truely didnt want to be alone...so I said yes. Don't get me wrong...my hubby is great.....only problem is I don't love him!! We are mates....and I know he loves me.....but it takes a lot of effort on my behalf to keep things going. We have had our fair share of crap in the past...and only weeks before my second child was diagnosed as having a serious hearing loss..I was prepared to call it quits.....I know I would survive with the kids and we would both be happier.....but we...I should say, I, decided it was best if I didnt leave. I have had the fling around the 8 yr itch time...wonderful man....Warrent Officer.....great body.... introduced me to Body building!!! That lasted as long as I let it, or I should say, till I no longer needed it. Then I discovered that it wasnt making things easier at all....he wanted me to leave......I couldnt.....the comfort factor was way too strong!!

Between the good days and the bad......we both cope for now. There may come a time when we decide to part.....but for now, I think of the kids.....him......our finances.....and finally me!!

I agree with the others.......writing things down and letting the other partner "read" how you feel, helps a lot more than having a face to face chat....you tend to feel brave at the beginning, but then find you cant find the right words when you need them!!! That and it is a form of healing.....for both of you....you can read and re-read what is written.....unfortunately you only hear what you want to hear when the words are spoken.

I want to add one more thing to all that has been said.

In this day and age in America couples give up way too quickly! The divorce rate is thru the roof because it's easier to just quit.

Two people get married for a reason, obviously they loved each other, etc., so what went so wrong? That is what needs to be figured out, and that is where a counselor can help.

I am very surprised that mmalifter/w8lifter's counseling did not help, maybe the counselor was not well suited for them, or just not very good period. If kids are involved I think that a couple has even more of an obligation to work out their problems thru counseling. If they cannot, then they should divorce, but not without a great effort on both of their parts to fix the marriage.

No relationship is perfect, and people tend to take each other for granted after a couple of years. Marriage has to be worked on every day, it requires "maintenance", you must retain the original passion that you had when you first began dating, obviously the infatuation is gone, but you can still buy each other little cards, and do all of those little things you did in the beginning.

As far as that whole jealousy, insecure, fear of cheating thing, that cannot happen. You cannot be in a healthy relationship with those feeling. First and foremost you must trust your spouse, if you don't then that is a big problem. If that cannot be resolved and trust re-gained, there is no hope for the marriage.

Originally posted by Prince First and foremost you must trust your spouse, if you don't then that is a big problem. If that cannot be resolved and trust re-gained, there is no hope for the marriage.

AMEN.

I agree with Prince on most points, your heart of hearts will tell you what is right for you, and counselor's are not all they profess to be, some are good, some are bad, some should never of become couselors, but some can help in some ways,(structured guidance) if you do seek guidance from a counselor, as with anyone you meet if your inner spirit is telling you something indifferent about that person then you should listen to that, and I also agree that without trust you have nothing, it's never regained and your never healed from it, trust me I know, as with my immediate relationship, and infidelity doesn't always have to be in a physical sense..............Oh, I really hope you try and make it work.........., but I would also add, that we only have one life, and who would I be today if I had stayed in unhealthy marriages..........Life is about today, happiness, health, love, love, love:, and isn't it better that your children see you basking in a healthy happy life rather than sparring with their Dad on a daily basis, if one thing I have learned, is that children are very smart, they see and sense more than we think, even behind closed doors...........sorry for the book

Correct, a counselor can help to mediate and allow for effective communication of feelings and help them understand each other without attacking, getting defensive and ending up in another argument. (providing that you get a good counselor and one that works for both of you) They can also teach you how to communicate, which is often forgotten after several years of marriage.

In some cases divorce is the only answer, but I think it's worth it to try and rectify the marriage first, don't just quit cause it's easier.

buff, sorry to hear about your troubles. You have been given some very sensible advice. Wow, what a crossroads you are at. I've been there too quite a while back. And after looking back, I cannot really say that I regret that we divorced. But I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I am sorry that we did not try. No bigger poison to me than regret, and to regret that you did not try is a double shot of that poison. I don't know about women, but as a guy, dealing with the "what if only..." in our life is difficult. ALWAYS make the best effort you can to make things work out. After time goes by, it is so easy to lose sight of what brought you together in the first place. I remember after a point, not being the slightest bit interested in working things out. Simply because we forgot what we shared in the beginning. As I moved my stuff out of our house, I came across the "picture box". Times shared over several years. I started just thumbing through pictures, and before i knew it, many old emotions came rushing back. Feeling I was not ready for and quite truthfully though were gone at the time. The resons many of us are "two tired" or are "not willing" to work on it, is because we forgot what it felt like to share those feeling again. Because I guarantee you, if you could remember the feeling, you would be up for the tast of at least trying. If I could give anyone considering divorce a bit of advice, it would be to go through the picture box. Maybe alone at first and then together. Not saying it will fix everything, but sometimes we need to find "triggers" to get us moving in a good direction. Now if there is a deep hatred toward each other, run like hell. lol I agree with ALBOB in regards to not doing it for the kids. Now for him always pulling the "ace out of the hole" as you put it regarding the trust thing, I don't see why this should upset you. Sounds like he is just meeting your expectations of him on the matter anyway. Especially if you are telling him that he cannot keep his word regarding that matter. If you are telling him he can't keep it, you cannot get upset when he does not keep it. Guys need to know you believe in him. If you don't believe in him, it's not worth getting upset when you are let down.

More than anything though, communication is key. Not fighting, but communication. Talk and don't finger point. You cannot talk when the walls go up. One things I have tried and still fail miserably at with dino, is to let her finish talking and making her point. Before trying to jump in. I'm usually way off base when I think I know what she is going to say. Unless we are at a bar. lol

I'm sorry for rambling about my past, but usually someone else's past or current situation is very familiar with your own. This is a lot like a team in sports. People like to win as a team, but when they are behind, it is he/she screwed up. Succeed as a team(couple), fail as a team(couple).

Bo

Sorry to hear about your situation. You've gotten lots of good advice and info on personal experiences from many here. I do agree esp. that it is hard work to make things work and with 5 kids it does makes you feel that at the end of the day you don't have any more to 'give'.

Maybe take some time off to be together. Do you have any inlaws/parents/sitters you can rely on for an evening out or weekend together? Sometimes simple things like that do make a world of difference and also the above mentioned examples are great ideas too.

Mmafiter, I am so glad to hear that things are going well with you and w8

Originally posted by lina

Mmafiter, I am so glad to hear that things are going well with you and w8

Yeah....she's not a bad chick.

Originally posted by Prince
I think it's time for marriage counseling.

seriously.

I didn't read all the replies but I can tell you from my personal experience with my sister and brother in laws splitting up, do all that you can to work things out.

For them the split is hard on each of them but the real ones that are suffering are their three young boys, they all see councilors now and it breaks my hart every time I see them cause I see how they've changed over the past year that the split has been going on.

I really wish you all the best Buff, I hope you can work things out.

Originally posted by esmerelda
Buff............I don't know if I missed it or not...been away from the site for a little while.....but you didn't say how long you've been married for???

How old are the kids..............????

What does he do for a living??????

We have been married for 15 years on June 4th and we have 5 kids 14, 12, 12 (not twins), 8, & 3. He is an auto tech...aka mechanic.