my brother just hung his self
this is really just a vent. i don't have anyone in "real life" i can bring this type of feel too. i don't like the look of pity
my big brother just hung his self 2 days ago. i am still in shock prob. this doesn't feel real.
dad split when i was born. mom raised me by herself, then got preggs wit my lil sis. i was so mad when i found out i was having a sister lol so mad infact i nicknamed her Jonathan haha i just wanted to have a brother.
just after i turned 21, i found out i had a brother. older than me by like 5 years, and living with my 'real' dad. so i went and i met them. and even tho me and my bro weren't raised together, good luck tryin to tell us otherwise. we just clicked instantly. i finally had a big brother, and he was a tough SOB.
unfortunately, me and my bro together were a pretty explosive combination. we were trouble. fucking shit up everywhere we went. i ended up in a homeless shelter, strung out on IV heroin. i had nobody, no where to go, no one to turn to. i was broken, hopeless, tired. but my big bro was right there with me. thuggin it out. showing me how to keep it movin, and quittin is for pussies.
one day i had it, i was done. i wanted to change. i checked myself into rehab, and never looked back. my brother got worse on meth, started makin worse decisions. shit just started snowballing for him. i talked to him a few times in rehab, he sounded like he was doing good. always had a job, always seemed to be confident with his life and what he had going on.
then one day its all gone. 2 years after cleaning myself up, getting off drugs and handling my shit. i get a message from my older sis. yeah, apparently i got a big sis too. told me they found my brother hung his self. im stuck here asking myself why? i felt terrible, i still feel terrible. like its my fault and shit, like i could have done more for him. like i left him behind, when i shoulda brought him with me.
was going through my facebook, found convos we had on some of my pictures. started reading through our messages back and forth. this shit is really fucking me up right now. ive never lost anyone sober. always had a needle to help me through that shit. but i wont this time.
brb need estro blocker