The Joke Thread

[TheGreatSatan]

A man takes the day off work and
> decides to go out golfing.
> He is on the second hole when he
> notices a frog sitting next to
> the green.
> He thinks nothing of it and is
>
> about to shoot when he
>
> hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."
>
> The man looks around and doesn't
>
> see anyone. Again, he
> hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks
> at the frog and decides to
>
> prove the frog wrong, puts the
> club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
>
> Boom!
> He hits it 10 inches from the
>
> cup. He is shocked. He says
> to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
>
> You must be a lucky frog, eh?
> The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
> The man decides to take the frog
> with him to the next hole.
>
> "What do you think frog?" the
>
> man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."
> The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
> Boom! Hole in one. The
>
> man is befuddled and doesn't know
>
> what to say. By the end
>
> of the day, the man golfed the
>
> best game of golf in his life and
> asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
> The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.
>
>
> " They go to Las Vegas
> and the guy says, "OK frog, now
> what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon
> approaching the roulette table, The man
>
> asks, "What do you think I should
> bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit
> $3000, black 6."
>
> Now, this is a
> million-to-one shot to win, but
> after the golf game the man
>
> figures what the heck.
>
> Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
>
>
> The man takes his winnings and
> buys the best room in the
> hotel. He sits the frog down and
> says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
> You've won me all this money and
> I am forever grateful."
>
> The frog replies,
> "Ribbit Kiss Me."
> He figures why not,
>
> since after all the frog did for
> him, he deserves it. With a
> kiss, the frog turns into a
> gorgeous 18-year-old girl. "And that,
> your honor, is how the girl
>
> ended up in my room. So help me God
> or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
>
>



__________________

[TheGreatSatan]

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

President Bush says "Well, your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do."

The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show 'StarTrek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."

President Bush laughs and leans toward the Saudi, and whispers back, "It's because it takes place in the future...."

[TheGreatSatan]

Since I'm the only loser here at 4 a.m., I'll post them all.
_________________________________________________

Hillary finally arrives at the pearly gates where she is promptly greeted by St. Peter himself. Standing at the gates she peeks inside and notices clocks hanging everywhere on all the walls.

Hillary inquires as to the reason for all the clocks. St. Peter replies that there is a clock for every person on earth and these clocks are lie detectors.

St. Peter says: Over there is the clock for Mother Theresa, notice the hands have never moved. Mother Theresa has never told a lie.

And that one over there, St. Peter continues, is the clock that belongs to George Washington. Notice that the hands have moved only slightly, and over there the same goes for Abraham Lincoln's clock.

Hillary then asks: Where is Bill's clock?

St. Peter replies that Bill Clinton's clock is in Jesus' office. Oh really says Hillary, now that is very impressive.

Yeh, St. Peter continues, Jesus is using it for a ceiling fan.

[TheGreatSatan]

Supposedly voted the best in the world.
_________________________________________

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says: "Calm down, I can help.
First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

[TheGreatSatan]

A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the

birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child says, bursting into tears.

"Please promise me you won't tell me!"

Confused, the father asks what's wrong.

"Oh, dad," the boy sobs, "When I was six, I got the

'There's no Santa' speech. At seven, I got the

'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was eight,

you hit me with the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

If you're going to tell me now that grownups don't

really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

[TheGreatSatan]

This is my favorite.
___________________________________

A man is looking through the classifieds and sees an ad for a "talking dog, $25". Not expecting much but curious, he calls and makes arrangements to see the dog. He went to the house, knocked on the door and asked about the dog. The dogs owner said "he's in the bedroom, go on in." The man walked through the bedroom door and sure enough there lies the dog, on his back, with the remote control in his paw. The man stammered out "hello?" "Hi there" said the dog "come on in." Astounded the man exclaimed "you can talk!" "Sure I can, I've always been able to talk. I was born in Ca. and spent the first few years of my life teaching other dogs how to lead the blind. Then I moved to New York and did a stint on Broadway and even a spot in Riverdance. A short while later the Gulf War broke out and I went to Iraq to give moral support to our troops. After that I moved here and have been working on getting my Bachelors degree." Well the man was astonished, he said his goodbyes then left the bedroom. As he got to the door he said to the man "Your dog is amazing, but do you mind if I ask you why your selling him for $25?" The man looked at him and said "Because he's a big liar!"

[TheGreatSatan]

The Pope, a boyscout, and a polock are on a smallish twin engine plane that developed engine problems. The pilot realized that the plane could not continue on its flight over the mountains and with no place to land he decided to put it on autopilot and talk to the passengers. Arriving in the passenger compartment, he announced that the plane was going to crash, that there were three parachutes on board, and that he was going to take one of them. With that said, he grabbed one of the chutes and bailed out of the ailing plane. The polock not willing to argue grabs another and jumps.

The Pope and the boyscout look at eachother.

The Pope says: "you're young, you have your whole life to live, you should go".

The boyscout looks at the Pope and says: "We'll both go."

Confused, the Pope says: "How we only have 1 parachute left?"

The boyscout smiling answers: "There's two parachutes, that stupid polock just took my knapsack!"

[TheGreatSatan]

Aw c'mon guys!

[bludevil]

What do you call a mexican without a lawnmower?
















UNEMPLOYED!

[Mudge]

Originally posted by TheGreatSatan
The boyscout smiling answers: "There's two parachutes, that stupid polock just took my knapsack!"

I guess some of the joke is that the Pope is Polish(?)

[TheGreatSatan]

Originally posted by Mudge
I guess some of the joke is that the Pope is Polish(?)

Good question. Didn't know he is polish.

[Mudge]

First ever non-Italian pope I believe...

[TheGreatSatan]

What a rebel.

[maniclion]

In the Beginning . . . .


God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Creme.
And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
And Man said "Yea," and Woman said, "And another one with sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt that woman might keep the figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And woman went from size 2 to size 6.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad."
And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing and garlic toast on the side. And man and woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then brought running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And man and woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep- fried them. And man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald's and it! 's 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And man replied, "Yea! And super size 'em." And Satan said "It is good." And man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created HMOs.

[TheGreatSatan]

Q: What do you call an Amish man with his hand up a horse's ass?


A: A Mechanic!

[TheGreatSatan]

Voodoo Penis
A guy was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.
He went to a sex shop and started looking around. He was eyeballing the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old geezer behind the counter. He explained his situation.
The old fella said,"Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..." and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked. " Oh, nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.
The geezer laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop! "The old man replied, 'But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door."
The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.
Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!"
The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there motionless once more.
"I'll take it!" said the man.
So he takes it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping.
It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Hubby had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!" The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass.”

The rest is history

[TheGreatSatan]

Which is easier:

1. Unloading a dump-truck full of bowling balls.

2. Unloading a dump-truck full of dead babies.


The dead babies, because you can use a pitchfork.

_____________________________________________

Did you hear Princess Di was on the radio?


Yeah, she was also on the dash, the seats, the windshield.....

[TheGreatSatan]

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

[TheGreatSatan]

Two blonde guys are in a car.

The driver turns to the passenger and says,"lean out the window and tell me if my blinkers are working."

The one blonde guy leans his head out and says:

"yes, no, yes, no, yes, no......"

[TheGreatSatan]

Guy is on the 18 green and their happens to be a monk on a bench nearby.

Guy is putting for eagle and misses. "Shit! I missed!" he exclaims. The monk looks a little cross and says,"Sir Please do not swear or God will be angry."

The man apologizes and goes on to put for Birdie. "SHIT!! I fucking missed again!!" he yells. The monk again looks annoyed and says,"Sir please! IF yo continue to swear God will stirke you down with a bolt of Lightning".

Man says nothing, puts for par and misses, starts swearing and gets the same statement by the monk. Finally he puts for double bogey "AhhhSHIT!!!! Another shitty game!!"

Suddenly storm clouds roll in and there is thunder and a lightning bolt streaks out of the sky and strikes the monk on the top of the head killing him.

The golfer is standing there in shock when from the sky he hears a deep voice,

'Oh shit. I missed."


__________________

[TheGreatSatan]

There are two muffins in an oven. One muffin said, "Man, it's hot in here."

The other muffin said, "AHHH!!! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
__________________________________________________ _

How did Helen Kellers parents punish her?


they left the plunger in the toilet

__________________________________________________ _

[TheGreatSatan]

There were three babies in a woman's womb, and they were discussing what they would like to be when they were out in the world and grown up.
The first one said "I wanna be a plumber." The others laughed at this, and asked why he wanted be be a plumber. He replied, "So I can fix the pipes in here, it's kinda leaky."

The second one said "I wanna be an electrician." The others thought this was kind of silly too and asked why. The second baby answered, "so I can get some lights in here, its dark!"

The third one said, "I wanna be a boxer." The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full five minutes, before asking, "Why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?"

He replied, "So," he said proudly, "I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us.

[TheGreatSatan]

Definition of a Scottish gentleman: One who gets out of the bath to piss in the hand basin.

A Scot goes to the doctor, who tells him he has too much sugar in his urine. Next morning, the Scot pisses on his porridge.

A Scotsman meets a friend who he hasn't seen in 40 years. They arrange to have a drink, and he says 'Remember - its your shout'.

A Scotsman found a pair of crutches, so he broke his wifes leg.

A Scotsman decided to take some money out of his bank account for a holiday. After keeping it at his house for a week, he deposited it again.

A Scotman meets his Scottish doctor friend on the street. Hoping for free advice, he asks, 'What should I do for a sprained ankle?' His doctor friend replied, 'Limp'.

[TheGreatSatan]

One day a teacher went into her class room and saw the word, “penis” written in small letters on the chalkboard. She erased it and went on with the day's lesson. The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the chalkbaord, but a little bit bigger. She erased it and went on with her lesson.
Each of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find “penis” on the board, a little larger each time. She went in one morning, expecting to find it again, but instead the chalkboard read: “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.”

[TheGreatSatan]

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the toilet, cos thats where the cocks hang out.

Whats white and found on a public toilet wall?
George Michaels' latest release.

Whats the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Di?
Tiger has a better driver.

Why do chickens wear condoms on their heads?
Because their peckers are on their faces