The wild and wacky Bible

**TheGreatSatan** · 09-23-2003, 01:26 AM

People actually believe the bible to be fact. To be written by God. To me it's just insanity at it's finest. Here are some examples:

God created day and night on the first day but waited until day number four to create the sun and all the other stars. Genesis I:3-5, 16-19.

Adam was not kicked out of Eden because he ate the forbidden fruit. A nervous God ejects Adam because he fears that his creation will eat from a second tree-the tree of life-which will make him immortal. Genesis 3:22-23.

God's sons come down from heaven and have sex with earth women. Genesis 6:I-2, 4.

After fleeing the destruction of Sodom, Lot and his two virgin daughters end up living in a cave. The daughters fear that now they'll never find husbands and have children. So they get their father drunk and have sex with him. Genesis 19:30-36.

God warns Moses that anyone who see his face will die. But as a reward, he allows Moses to see his back. Exodus 33:18-23.

God forbids tattoos. Leviticus 19:28.

Despite what you've heard in Sunday school, David did not kill Goliath with a stone. He merely knocked him unconscious. He then killed him with Goliath's own sword by chopping off his head. I Samuel 17:51.

Angels in the bible are more often sword weilding mass murderers than harp-playing messengers of glad tidings. The champion killer is an unarmed angel who, after entering a camp of Assyrians that are besieging Jerusalem, single-handedly slaughters 185,000 of them. II Kings 19:35.

God admits that the only reason he saved the chosen people is because he wanted someone to worship him. Isaiah 43:20-21.

God admits that he purposefully gave the chosen people bogus laws to make their lives miserable. Ezekiel 20:32-33.

God doesn't want anyone near him who sweats. Ezekiel 44:17-18.

God compares himself to laundry soap. Malachi 3:2.

That's just the old testament. The new testament is even funnier because of Jesus!

**TheGreatSatan** · 09-23-2003, 04:00 AM

Like any characters in the Bible? Tell me and I'll show you some funny stuff on them too!

**firestorm** · 09-23-2003, 04:49 AM

where did you get all that stuff. That isn't in no Catholic bible.

**TheGreatSatan** · 09-23-2003, 04:56 AM

From the bible. It was compilied from The Old Testament, The New Testament, The New International Bible, The New Revised Standard Bible, The King James Bible and The Good News Bible.

It's all true. Match the verses I lay out with your bible and tell me.

**Rissole** · 09-23-2003, 05:33 AM

Your kinda right but you seem to have the sarcastic edge on this stuff that helps you belive in what you do..... thats ok for you but as far as i'm concerned Jesus has put you "oh great satan" under my feet, so sniff that

**TheGreatSatan** · 09-23-2003, 05:36 AM

You call it Hell I call it a resort.

**TheGreatSatan** · 09-23-2003, 05:37 AM

It's also nice to make you all realize what a bunch of crap that book really is. It's as true as Grimm's Fairy Tales.

**Rissole** · 09-23-2003, 05:40 AM

Ezekiel 44:17 (NIV)
When they enter the gates of the inner court, they are to wear linen clothes; they must not wear any woolen garment while ministering at the gates of the inner court or inside the temple.
18They are to wear linen turbans on their heads and linen undergarments around their waists. They must not wear anything that makes them perspire.
But read on:
Ezekiel 44:19 (NIV)
When they go out into the outer court where the people are, they are to take off the clothes they have been ministering in and are to leave them in the sacred rooms, and put on other clothes, so that they do not consecrate the people by means of their garments.

Its all to do with holiness not the fact that God doesnt want sweaty people near him...... need i go on....

**TheGreatSatan** · 09-23-2003, 05:43 AM

We'll talk later. I'll be gone for the next three days visiting family. See ya'll.

**Rocco32** · 09-23-2003, 07:29 AM

Originally posted by Rissole
Your kinda right but you seem to have the sarcastic edge on this stuff that helps you belive in what you do..... thats ok for you but as far as i'm concerned Jesus has put you "oh great satan" under my feet, so sniff that

Absolutely, awesome Ris!!

**Rocco32** · 09-23-2003, 07:30 AM

Have a good 3 days man, I'll have some replys when you return. Gotta get to work!

**racoon02** · 09-23-2003, 05:25 PM

The bible is more of a moral handbook to be followed.

You can do very little with faith, but you can do nothing without it.
--Samuel Butler

**gr81** · 09-23-2003, 05:30 PM

many many people take it very literally man, that is crazy to me

**oaktownboy** · 09-23-2003, 05:49 PM

it's just a book for christ sake , not the meaning of life

**Mudge** · 09-23-2003, 05:53 PM

I grew up around religion because of my dad, but honestly I have a problem due to almost any organized religion because of the people that run it and rewrite the rules.

**ZECH** · 09-23-2003, 06:57 PM

God's sons come down from heaven and have sex with earth women. Genesis 6:I-2, 4.

It does not say this in any shape or form!

**Rissole** · 09-23-2003, 08:09 PM

Can we not start this again....

**Tboy** · 09-24-2003, 08:12 AM

Originally posted by TheGreatSatan
You call it Hell I call it a resort.

Yeah....

Let me know how that works out for you.

Just to get yourself "warmed up" before you get there, try setting yourself on fire and let me know if you are still brave enough to say that.

Be sure to have an extinguisher ready, just in case you don't like it.

**PB&J** · 09-24-2003, 09:21 AM

Originally posted by TheGreatSatan
Like any characters in the Bible? Tell me and I'll show you some funny stuff on them too!

The only funny one is you moron! Wow you are so cool, did you have problems as a child. Your entitled to your stupid opinion. when you get to hell you'll find out.

I always wonder why it's the non believers that have to post stuff like this. It seems to me your not really sure of yourself. I don't see anyone that believes posting comments to try to get everyone rallied behind them.

Enjoy your little thread...

**irontime** · 09-24-2003, 11:07 AM

Well I'm going to stay away from the flaming on this one, but I will say that's some funny shit TGS

**TheGreatSatan** · 09-28-2003, 11:52 PM

Originally posted by PB&J
The only funny one is you moron! Wow you are so cool, did you have problems as a child. Your entitled to your stupid opinion. when you get to hell you'll find out.

And it's always the believers who immediately resort to bashing and name calling. Christians and the like are mean spirited people trapped in a moral 'box'. They go to church because as they were taught that they need to conform to a standard set by others. But under all those smiles is someone who is more evil than I. I eccept evil. The universe is full of it. Evil, money and greed make the world spin. Religion is evil; people who practice religion are always the same people who start wars and commit acts of violence.

Get on your knees and pray to that god of yours and realize that the bible is 1/2 violence, 1/4 sex and 1/4 peace. Religion breeds stupidity. Religion is exactly why you're so angry.

**gr81** · 09-29-2003, 12:00 AM

Originally posted by TheGreatSatan
Religion breeds stupidity. Religion is exactly why you're so angry.

I can feel all of that satan. I just think the reason why they are so angry is b/c some people disagree with them, the want everyone to validify their belief so they can feel better about believing it. religion is all about feeling comfort, it is not a comforting feeling to think that no one knows why we are here or where we will be after this, religion makes them feels better about not knowing.

**TheGreatSatan** · 09-29-2003, 12:08 AM

Originally posted by gr81

religion is all about feeling comfort, it is not a comforting feeling to think that no one knows why we are here or where we will be after this

I get comfort at the strip club.

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