Thread: Disorder In the Court

From a little book called "Disorder in the Court." Things people actually said in court, word for word.


LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed? WITNESS: I did. LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond? WITNESS: I did. LAWYER: And did you observe anything? WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.) LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw? WITNESS: I saw George. LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case? WITNESS: Yes. LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing? WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.) LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so? WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks. LAWYER: His "thing"? WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis. LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly? WITNESS: Yes. LAWYER: Did you say anything to him? WITNESS: Of course I did! LAWYER: What did you say to him? WITNESS: "Morning, George."

Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweatshirt and Reeboks.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) wasAugust 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral.

Q: You were not shot in the fracas? A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York? WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question. LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago? WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question. LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami? WITNESS: No.

CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear byAlmighty God..." WITNESS: "I swear byAlmighty God." CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..." WITNESS: That's right. CLERK: Repeat it. WITNESS: "Repeat it". CLERK: No! Repeat what I said. WITNESS: What you said when? CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..." WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give." CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..." WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth! CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..." WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know. CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..." WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and." CLERK: Say: "Nothing...". WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.) CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..." WITNESS: Yes. CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."? WITNESS: Yes. CLERK: Well? Do so. WITNESS: You're confusing me. CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...". WITNESS: Is that all? CLERK: Yes. WITNESS: Okay. I understand. CLERK: Then say it. WITNESS: What? CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..." WITNESS: But I do! That's just it. CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..." WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth! CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The","Truth". WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now? CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words. WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth." CLERK: Thank you. WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?