Thread: Translating womenspeak (language)

It's funny because it's true....

Translation of common phrases from woman-speak into English.


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Woman-speak: "Of course I don't mind if you..."
English: "You bet your fucking arse I DO mind. Go ahead, you WILL pay later..."

Woman-speak: "Do you like it?"
English: "Fucker, if you do NOT notice my new hairstyle/shoes/mail order catalogue/wall paper/trashy little knicknack/ you are fucking DEAD!

Woman-speak: "You are an asshole"
English: "I will be fucking your brains out in 5 minutes"

Woman-speak: "Do you remember when you got me this?"
English: "I KNOW you don't remember, you cunt, I'm just enjoying seeing you sweat..."

Woman-speak: I don't love you any more.
English: You are broke, out of work, AND I'm fucking somebody else now...

Woman-speak: "We need to talk."
English: "I need to waste your time."

Woman-speak: "We need to talk."
English: "I need to cut your balls off and tell you for the 1,000th time how you do not live up to my standards and nag you eternally and try to change you because I am a shrewish cunt. This will undoubtedly give me a stress headache - you won't be getting any pussy tonight."

Women-speak: "I'm tired."
English: "I'm blaming you unfairly for my weight gain and my self-image problems, and you won't be getting any pussy tonight."

Woman-speak: "Let's just meet for coffee."
English: "You won't be getting any pussy tonight."

Woman-speak: "Oh, I don't care what we do."
English: "Even if you read my mind and figure out exactly what I want, the odds of you getting any pussy tonight are 115:1."

Woman-speak: "You like that football sweatshirt because you went to school there, right?"
English: "I tell all my friends you dress like a fucking slob and I'll be engaging in my manipulative 'you need to wear what I say is good or you won't get any pussy tonight' behavior soon."

Woman-speak: "Are you going to wear that shirt to the wedding?"
English: "I know these are the clothes I fell in love with you in, but now that I want to own you, they just won't do. Being the bossy cunt that I am, I need to re-do your entire wardrobe. I'll be too tired tonight from shopping to suck your dick for the next 15 years."

Woman-speak: "Do I look fat in this?"
English: " I need CREDIBLE reassurance that I am NOT a 350lb MacDonalds hog, with a sagging gut and dropping ass..."

Woman-speak: "I love you"
English: "You are quite a good fuck, and are solvent. My pussy is yours until something better comes along."
English (alternative): "I want something from you."

Woman-speak: "How thoughful of you!"
English: "Pussy whipped asshole, you are gonna have to do a LOT better than that to get some this year, let alone tonight. Suck up HARDER!"

Woman-speakS: Are you coming to bed now?
English: I'm going to tease you with sex to get you to drop whatever you're doing, come up stairs, and cuddle me, but you're still not getting any pussy.

Woman-speak: "You are not the man I married"
English: "In spite of years of manipulation, ridicule and doing my best to mind fuck you on a daily basis to change you into what I want, you have resisted me. Fuck you, no more sex, get out of my life..."

Woman-speak: "I do"
English: "No more blowjobs"

Woman-speak: "I can't find a good man to marry"
English: "I wasted my life focusing on my hate for men, and now I am fucked, the women's movement has destroyed my life"