Thread: How to Save Straight Marriage

Connie Rice Commentary: How to Save Straight Marriage
(This is NOT Condeleeza Rice, National Security Secretary)

March 2, 2004 -- Rice's other proposed laws or constitutional amendments, inspired by President Bush's proposed amendment outlawing gay marriage:

10. Fair Housework & Childcare Act -- Requires married men to do at least half the housework and child rearing duties, or face being charged with a class-C felony.

9. 'Til Death Do Us Part Amendment -- Outlaw divorce. Heterosexuals get divorced at the drop of a hat. It's the 50 percent divorce rate in the United States that’s the mortal threat to marriage, not gays and lesbians.

8. Scarlet Letter Amendment -- All divorced persons will have a scarlet "D" tattooed on their foreheads, which can be removed only upon permanent re-marriage to their original spouse.

7. Serial Marriage Crime Act -- Divorced persons who remarry and fail to stay married are subject to the category 63 mandatory minimum sentencing guideline: life in prison.

6. Gold Digger Prevention Act (AKA the "Bling-Bling Ban") -- All women selecting husbands solely by an accumulated assets index shall forfeit all claim to their mates' wealth and be forced to take a vow of poverty.

5. In-Law Limitation Act -- In-laws can only visit their heterosexually married children once a year.

4. Mistress and Intern Prohibition Act (AKA the Condit, Clinton, Gingrich, Hyde and Livingston Act) -- Do what the Seventh Commandment says. You want to promote the sanctity of marriage? Outlaw extramarital affairs. Also, no members of Congress who have had flings can vote on this act when it comes to a vote -- it'll be a short roll call.

3. Marital Security Act -- Put LoJack locator devices or electronic bracelets on all husbands who travel to play basketball, attend other business meetings or just leave the house on weekends.

2. Desecration of Marriage Act (AKA the Britney Spears, Michael Jackson, Jimmy Swaggert Prevention Act) -- All heterosexual persons who make a mockery of marriage with absurd behavior shall be subject to mandatory minimum sentencing guidelines for category 37: 30 years imprisonment.

1. Leave No Child Unborn Act -- To encourage the real purpose of marriage -- which according to President Bush is to provide stability for raising children -- birth control will be outlawed for married couples, who henceforth will be required to produce progeny within the first five years of marriage... or explain to Karl Rove why there's no children.

Bonus:

Procreation Facilitation Act -- All married mens' prescriptions for Viagra will be tax deductible.

Originally posted by DFINEST
Connie Rice Commentary: How to Save Straight Marriage
(This is NOT Condeleeza Rice, National Security Secretary)

March 2, 2004 -- Rice's other proposed laws or constitutional amendments, inspired by President Bush's proposed amendment outlawing gay marriage:

10. Fair Housework & Childcare Act -- Requires married men to do at least half the housework and child rearing duties, or face being charged with a class-C felony.
Yeah OK, as long as the women want to go and pay half of the bills. If they want to stay home and not work them they better get that shit done by the time the man is home.

9. 'Til Death Do Us Part Amendment -- Outlaw divorce. Heterosexuals get divorced at the drop of a hat. It's the 50 percent divorce rate in the United States that’s the mortal threat to marriage, not gays and lesbians.
Howabout we put stricter regulations on people BEFORE they get married instead of after! Makes sense to me dammit.

8. Scarlet Letter Amendment -- All divorced persons will have a scarlet "D" tattooed on their foreheads, which can be removed only upon permanent re-marriage to their original spouse.
How will you know if the 2nd marriage will be permanent? This one is ridiculous. Getting divorced doesn't make you a bad person, it means you made a mistake and if we are gonna brand people for making mistakes I can think of bigger fish to fry, ya dig?

7. Serial Marriage Crime Act -- Divorced persons who remarry and fail to stay married are subject to the category 63 mandatory minimum sentencing guideline: life in prison.
Once again refer to number 9.

6. Gold Digger Prevention Act (AKA the "Bling-Bling Ban") -- All women selecting husbands solely by an accumulated assets index shall forfeit all claim to their mates' wealth and be forced to take a vow of poverty.
Its called a pre-nup, and anyone with half a brain needs to get one. I don't care how much you are in love, no pre-nup, no wedding. Sorry dear!

5. In-Law Limitation Act -- In-laws can only visit their heterosexually married children once a year.
No comment to this, I have no problem with it.

4. Mistress and Intern Prohibition Act (AKA the Condit, Clinton, Gingrich, Hyde and Livingston Act) -- Do what the Seventh Commandment says. You want to promote the sanctity of marriage? Outlaw extramarital affairs. Also, no members of Congress who have had flings can vote on this act when it comes to a vote -- it'll be a short roll call.
Well if you are outlawing divorce then what is a person to do if they also can't have an affair. You want them to just sit there and be unhappy? Pick one or the other. Also, having an affair IS illegal.

3. Marital Security Act -- Put LoJack locator devices or electronic bracelets on all husbands who travel to play basketball, attend other business meetings or just leave the house on weekends.
Hey as long sa men get those little seperators that the gynocologists have, so when we want sex we get it! seriously, its called trust, and if you don't have it then you shouldn't be married in the first place! Fuck all the locator devices and other stupid shit.

2. Desecration of Marriage Act (AKA the Britney Spears, Michael Jackson, Jimmy Swaggert Prevention Act) -- All heterosexual persons who make a mockery of marriage with absurd behavior shall be subject to mandatory minimum sentencing guidelines for category 37: 30 years imprisonment.
Once again refer to number 9

1. Leave No Child Unborn Act -- To encourage the real purpose of marriage -- which according to President Bush is to provide stability for raising children -- birth control will be outlawed for married couples, who henceforth will be required to produce progeny within the first five years of marriage... or explain to Karl Rove why there's no children.
Well this is just the worst idea I have ever heard. Yeah down with birth control for gods sake, what good is that stuff.

Bonus:

Procreation Facilitation Act -- All married mens' prescriptions for Viagra will be tax deductible.