The Wizard of IM: An IM Story, Part 1

**Crono1000** · 05-03-2004, 11:42 PM

Everyone always said that IT must have been the prettiest little prissy in all of Canada. Small, frail, and giggly; IT, short for irontime, made even the Wendy's mascot jealous with his evenly spaced pony tails and buck teeth to compliment his face full of freckles. "How I long to be the prettiest lad in the land, eh," he would often murmur in fantasies of acquiring the prestigious title of Miss Canada.

But such outrageous dreams were unattainable living in his present residence. In the far hills of Canada, poor IT lived with his uncle and the rest of his family. Not known for their affection towards anyone besides hookers and close relatives, the family was often rude and unforgiving to the youngest of the household.

Uncle Albob sat cozily on the balcony reading his latest issue of Cosmopolitan catching up on hair care tips, clipping coupons for that new Mint Leaf Herbal Essence, and learning how to “please his man in whole new ways.” He chuckled at that last article, knowing there’s NOTHING he hasn’t tried. “How’s cookin’ comin’ boy?” Albob yelled at love slave and cook, Dale Mabry.

Dale wasn’t much of a talker, and less of a cook, but what he lacked in his eggs and grits he made up for in the bed. Salad tosser by day and “salad tosser” by night, Dale was bought by Albob at spring break with a jump rope and a pack of smokes. Dale was promised to see his family again some day if he’d continue to shut up and do as he’s told, but they were secretly sold as well to Albob and lived a mile away burying the family’s supply of weapons of mass destruction.

“Shut up and let him cook!” replied myCATpowerlifts, passively searching for porn on the internet all the while trying to watch a scrambled Nightline on the censored NBC. “The Naked Spaceman,” as he once called himself in the night clubs of L.A., CAT had since taken up the art of sewing. Terrible at the art, CAT was only skilled at performing small circles engulfed in larger circles. Considering he only had the two colors of red and white, his blankets often resembled giant boobs. Despite his decorated “boob bed” and clothing, it was commonly speculated he just liked playing with the string.

Sadly, the meal was never meant to be enjoyed. Dark clouds swarmed the small town of Canada. As a cow slammed into the side of the rudely made shack, it became apparent that this was no normal storm, but a deadly tornado.

IT ran for his bed, his skirt flapping wildly in the wind coming from the newly shattered windows. His pet, gr81, came scampering under the bed alongside IT, cuddling close barking in the wind “DE-YAM Bro, wut da hell is goin’ on in diz shiznit muthafuka!” IT laughed how even in these dire times, his darling pet’s incoherent whimpers seemed to console him, answering “How I wish you were human my pet.” Even in moments like this, gr81 thought he was human and that he could talk like all the other members of the household.

The wind suddenly carried gr81’s dime bag out of his pocket and smacked IT in the face, knocking him out cold.

When darling IT came to, he woke up in a whole new land. Surrounded by two foot tall singing men and candy buildings on a endless golden road, a tall beautiful crowned woman looked down at little IT.

“Hello dear. My name is Queen Butterfly, and YOU are in the land of IM…”

**Eggs** · 05-04-2004, 02:02 AM

Haha, thats pretty good Cron

**OceanDude** · 05-04-2004, 05:33 AM

Crono, that's quite integrative and amusing.

Makes me wonder how many people here post with multiple pseudonyms and multiple contrived personalities in a sort of “good-cop/bad-cop” or “dominant male/accommodating female” fictitious or faux cyber relationship.

-OD

**Crono1000** · 05-04-2004, 11:20 AM

well... that wasn't exactly the morral of the story but... I'm glad I could help your view of the place... right?

**naturaltan** · 05-04-2004, 11:50 AM

got some spare time do ya?

**Crono1000** · 05-04-2004, 12:14 PM

more than you know

and just for that comment, your character dies next episode

**naturaltan** · 05-04-2004, 12:22 PM

I'm sure I have more lives than you do stories.

**ALBOB** · 05-04-2004, 02:48 PM

Originally posted by Crono1000 eggs and grits

Damn Crono, you're making me hungry.

**myCATpowerlifts** · 05-04-2004, 05:27 PM

*stands up and claps*

hhahaha
thats great crono just great man
I was actually surprised to see my name entered
In to your beautiful...er...novel

In fact
Encore!
Encore i say!
But
i was let down by the fact that gr81
was a pet and DIDN'T lick his nuts or something like that
Cuz i mean if you are going to be a pet, you might as well lick your balls, right?

And as we all know he likes to lick others guy's nuts anyway

SO, have chapter 2 ready by tomorrow
or
*Donald trump voice*- YOUR FIRED!

**Titanya** · 05-05-2004, 10:08 AM

LoL!!! Sweetie I luv you stories!

theyre hilarious. I had no idea you had such.... errr

... talent..... in the literary arts. I can't wait for the next installment... when does my character come into play??

**ALBOB** · 05-05-2004, 12:56 PM

Originally posted by Titanya when does my character cum

As soon as you ditch that loser Crono and come see me.

**irontime** · 05-05-2004, 03:08 PM

Originally posted by OceanDude
Makes me wonder how many people here post with multiple pseudonyms and multiple contrived personalities in a sort of “good-cop/bad-cop” or “dominant male/accommodating female” fictitious or faux cyber relationship.

You masterbate to a dictionary, don't you?

**Titanya** · 05-05-2004, 03:23 PM

Originally posted by irontime
You masterbate to a dictionary, don't you?

well said

**Var** · 05-05-2004, 03:30 PM

Originally posted by irontime
You masterbate to a dictionary, don't you?

**myCATpowerlifts** · 05-05-2004, 03:42 PM

Hey
Titanya

do us all a favor
and make a .gif of you
bouncing YOUR tities up and down plz
thanks

Take Care, MyCat

**OceanDude** · 05-05-2004, 07:17 PM

Originally posted by irontime
You masterbate to a dictionary, don't you?

I don't quite understand why you are getting all defensive again IT and attacking people. But it is queer that that your "tongue in cheek" comments always seem to be focused below the belt. This is clearly an aggression problem and I recommend simple physical therapy. To get beyond the anal retentive stage of your psychological development try simply pulling your head out of your ass. Life won’t be as warm and self satisfying as previously was but it really is OK to come out so to speak. To quote a great thinker of our time “can’t we all just get along”? No? I didn’t think so.

-OD

**OceanDude** · 05-05-2004, 07:18 PM

Originally posted by Titanya
well said

Whatever blows your skirt up Tit.
-OD

**Var** · 05-05-2004, 07:22 PM

Originally posted by OceanDude
I don't quite understand why you are getting all defensive again IT and attacking people. But it is queer that that your "tongue in cheek" comments always seem to be focused below the belt. This is clearly an aggression problem and I recommend simple physical therapy. To get beyond the anal retentive stage of your psychological development try simply pulling your head out of your ass. Life won’t be as warm and self satisfying as previously was but it really is OK to come out so to speak. To quote a great thinker of our time “can’t we all just get along”? No? I didn’t think so.

-OD

One question...do you speak (in real life) the way you type??? Just curious.

**Crono1000** · 05-05-2004, 07:32 PM

it's ok. OceanDude and his vocabulary have a place in Part 3

**greekblondechic** · 05-05-2004, 07:44 PM

I wanna be in the story too

**maniclion** · 05-05-2004, 08:24 PM

Originally posted by greekblondechic
I wanna be in the story too

You have to earn it like so:

The true story behind this is...As Crhomo stepped through security he set off the metal detector, the guards asked him to take off his earmuffs, but you see Crhomo had just seen "There's Something About Mary" and wanted to be just like Warren, Mary's brother so he took on the earmuff fasion. Anyways he refused so Tit grabbed the earmuffs off of his head and threw them out on the runway where a package cart crushed them. He goes in a tirade screaming "Pork n Beans, Pork n Beans" over and over so a passing Stewardess grabs two cups from a pilot, dumps out the remaining vodka and tells him "Oh, you poor little retarded boy, put these magic cups over your ears' And thats the facts.

http://www.ironmagazineforums.com/ga...sort=1&cat=500

**OceanDude** · 05-05-2004, 08:41 PM

Originally posted by Var
One question...do you speak (in real life) the way you type??? Just curious.

Var - I don't ever recall having any previous dialog with you before now so I am unsure where you are coming from. But to answer your question, yes, I post very much like I speak in person.

OD

**OceanDude** · 05-05-2004, 08:42 PM

Originally posted by Crono1000
it's ok. OceanDude and his vocabulary have a place in Part 3

Aha - he took the bait...

Do me justice crono...

-OD

**Titanya** · 05-05-2004, 09:07 PM

Originally posted by OceanDude
Whatever blows your skirt up Tit.
-OD

Likewise.
-Tit

**PreMier** · 05-05-2004, 09:27 PM

on to part deu

**gr81** · 05-05-2004, 09:49 PM

Originally posted by Var
One question...do you speak (in real life) the way you type??? Just curious.

The best part about it is that he actually thinks he impresses someone with his vocabulary and all his other nonsense.

..fuccin clown

**OceanDude** · 05-05-2004, 10:29 PM

Originally posted by gr81
The best part about it is that he actually thinks he impresses someone with his vocabulary and all his other nonsense.

..fuccin clown

No Great1, the best part is that you think that I think that. For the record I never before dreamt that all that attention you were giving me was due to me expressing myself with normal average high school English. What a relief. I was afraid it was something more like a stocker scenario with you. All this time I was certain that you just had it in for us average white guys that couldn’t use the work f*ck as a noun, verb, adjective and adverb all in one monosyllabic sentence. My apologies, I can attempt to dumb it down some if you have insecurities about the matter; but only if you agree to give up the pretense to being stupid.

-OD

**JLB001** · 05-05-2004, 10:41 PM

This is a forum not English class.

Someone must be an engineer. Only ones I can think of that actually attempt to talk that way everyday. Very Dry sense of humor on those individuals too.

**OceanDude** · 05-05-2004, 11:02 PM

Originally posted by JLB001
This is a forum not English class.

Someone must be an engineer. Only ones I can think of that actually attempt to talk that way everyday. Very Dry sense of humor on those individuals too.

A shucks jlb and i thot u wuz one of da few smart chicks too. Enjoying a mega-dose of sterotypical labeling today or jus dat time of da month?

-OD

**Crono1000** · 05-05-2004, 11:44 PM

my stories bring so much love!

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