Thread: just for fun- various humor

If the World was fair to Guys...
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the arse and a "cheers for the sex - now f*** off" would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

Valentine's Day would be moved to 29th February so it would only occur in leap years.

On Mothers Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking.

The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle."

Instead of "beer-belly," you'd get "beer-biceps."

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Every woman that worked would have to do so topless.

When the Police pull you over, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.

Example:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one, that's $20 off."

Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

Every man would get four, real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.

Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen when the ball goes out of play.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you."

The funniest guy in the office would get to be the CEO.

"Sorry, but I got wasted last night," would be an acceptable excuse for absence and/or poor time keeping.

Lifeguards could remove people from beaches for violating the public ugliness ordinance.

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

Lager would have the same effect as Viagra.

"Fancy a shag" would be the only chat up line in existence and it would work every time.

Everyone would drive at least 70mph and anyone driving under that would be fined.

Dinner break would happen every hour and the boss would hire in strippers and $2000 a night hookers for the duration of those breaks.

Saying "Let's have a threesome. You, me and your sister" to your wife/girlfriend would get the response, "What a great idea!"

Harrier jump jets would take you to and from work.

Everyone would have real a Light Sabre and any disagreements would be settled by a fight to the death.

Vomiting after 20 pints would actually make you more attractive to the opposite sex.

Along with your milk in the morning, the milkman would deliver two Swedish milk maids.

When it was time to leave work, a whistle would sound and you'd get to slide down the back of a Brontosaurus just like Fred Flintstone.

"Yes" would be an acceptable answer to a woman"s question of "Does my bum look big in this?"

Originally posted by rockgazer69
Lager would have the same effect as Viagra.

In correct dosages it does actually. Pretty cool eh?

Dictionary of Marriage Terms
Author unknown

Bachelor

A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
A man who never makes the same mistake once.
A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony.
A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
The only man who has never told his wife a lie.

Bride
A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

Cad
A man who doesn't tell his wife that he's sterile until she's pregnant.

Compromise
An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.

Diplomat
A man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur coat.

Housework
What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it.

Mistress
Something between a mister and a mattress.

Mother-in-Law
A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Mrs.
A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition.

Spouse
Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place.

Rules That Guys Wished Women Knew
Author unknown

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up put it down.
Don't cut your hair. Ever.
Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
Get rid of your cat.
Sunday = Sports.
Anything you wear is fine. Really.
Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their breasts stared at.
You have too many shoes.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
Yes, urinating standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done - not both.
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
You have enough clothes.
Nothing says "I love you" like sex.
Birthdays, Valentine's, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present, again!
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
You have enough clothes.
Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad is probably an idiot, too.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
Foreign film are best left to foreigners.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
Anyone can buy condoms.

Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one, that's $20 off."

thats hilarious!

mcp hang on the next 1 is 4 you

How to bathe a Cat
Author unknown

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him.

Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.

A Cat's Diary
Author unknown

DAY 752
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair - must try this on their bed.

DAY 762
Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan...

DAY 768
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

Cat Got Your Tongue?
Author unknown

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating.

I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."

You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter. Reset it yourself!"

"I am scared!" she pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second,"

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how cowardly her behavior was.

I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances.

Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink.

At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed.

Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a rational manner.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk.

"What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"

If they had only known!

20 Things I Learned From Action Movies
Author unknown

1 No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands.

2 To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room.

3 There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type that want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old.

4 If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.

5 If I can find an important enough mission, it will supersede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.

6 If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me.

7 If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me.

8 Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.

9 If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies, we will become best friends.

10 my arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me before I kill him with my bare hands.

11 When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot me, however, I will at most receive a "flesh wound," which will be tended to by a beautiful woman.

12 If I'm white I will befriend at least one black guy, or one white guy if I'm black. If I am Latino the monster / villain will kill me halfway through the film, urging the hero to even greater levels of violence.

13 If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.

14 If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will gaze at me adoringly.

15 If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze at me adoringly.

16 If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try to kill me.

17 If I am given a surprise attack, I will be attacked by only one or maybe two people at a time, and I will find that I am well-skilled in Karate and Jujitsu, and if all else fails, I will always have one last firearm hidden somewhere on my body.

18 If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a sensible name like "Rick," or "Steve."

19 Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask, "When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask when I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things either.

20 While chasing or fleeing from an enemy, I can drive anything with a motor recklessly at 100-130 miles per hour without a seatbelt, with ammunition filling the passenger seat, and nothing will fall out of place Also, no police will ever catch me; they'll just look in amazement in my direction.

those are great gazers

Btw what is your name? sorry i knew it but then forgot

"""Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan..."""

i love this

Marcia pronounced marsha

Hi Marcia

hi ? your name goes here

Im Sean
(pronounced Shawn)

hi when i was 26 i had a wicked crush on a young guy named Sean...

nice to meet you

my daughter had a freind over once n she had this book called How To Care For Your Pussy n it had a thing about bathing your cat it was even funnier

o_O
is that you baby??

Where have you been! we've got so much catching up to do!


as you can tell im just kidding

Nice to meet you to

it's me.... his mom was my friend we, he n I, stayed buds- damn.

my son wants me to go play tomb raider... catch you later