I'm here to help...

**Dale Mabry** · 06-09-2004, 10:59 AM

So, you have had a hard day at work, the gym was tiring, and now you just want to go home and relax, perhaps with a nice cold one in your hand. There is a problem though, your fridge is about as empty as IT's little black book and you are single so there is no old ball and chain to go get the groceries. So regretfully you schlep it to the local foodery to get some chow for the week. You go in on a planned mission and have all of your stuff in less than 5 minutes. You make your way to the front of the store and there are ridiculously long lines at every checkout. "What should I do?", you ask. Well, I am here to help you.

Most people will take a look at the cashier and base their decision on the competency of him/her. This, IMO is wrong, with one exception that I will list later. So, the first rule is:

1) Eye up the people in your line first, not your cashier.

When checking out, you will have only one cashier, but chances are you will have many line mates. If you have 4 linemates and each takes an extra minute off of your time, you will be riddled with an extra 4 minutes, whereas the acshier will only hold you up one.

First, look for really old people. Really old people take forever to get all of their stuff out and will generally go through their change purse for exact change, this takes forever. They will also have bad vision and ask the cashier 50 times what the total is. If you see one get their debit/credit card out, abort to another line. Technology is like kryptonite to these retards. Next, look for people with a haggard appearance and tattered clothes. These people will generally be on welfare and have to pay for part of their order in food stamps and part of their order with cash. If they are not on welfare, chances are they have a shitload of coupons and will take forever bartering with the cashier. They sometimes stink too, making your line experience less than enjoyable. Overweight people generally take longer than most people to do everything, especially when it comes to food so lines that have overweight people in them should be avoided as well.On the opposite end you have young people. They generally already have money/atm card out and will finish expeditiously.

**Dale Mabry** · 06-09-2004, 10:59 AM

2)Look at what the people in your line are buying.

Another technique is to look at what the person is purchasing. The following items tell you that this person has things they need to take care of and you can be assured they will be out of there as quickly as possible.

Tampons/Maxi Pads
Preparation H
Monistat 7

If you are not good at picking as line, it is a good idea to go to the aisles containing the aforementioned products and draft whoever buys them through the checkout process.

EDIT: The feminine products are especially telling when a man is buying these products as he has an angry bitch he is trying to clam up.

**Dale Mabry** · 06-09-2004, 11:01 AM

3)Eye up your cashier.

Any guy who is over the age of 18 and a cashier at a grocery store is gay. If you don't mind being hit on a bit his zest for perfection and shopping will not only speed up the process, but he will generally never have to make a price check because gay guys know what everything costs.

Young girls are a crap shoot. Check their posture, if they are all slouched over they could give a shit that you have a schedule and will take forever. If they have good posture they prolly are an honor student and don't want to catch hell from the manager.

If you spy a retired woman as a cashier, you would be wise to skip your ass over there as fast as possible, because that is the motherload. Elderly women are good cashiers because someone was dumb enough to give them a job, and they come from a time when America was not all about being slow and fat. They may even have some stat as to how many people they can run through in an hour and take pride in beating that as often as possible. Thank your lucky stars if you find one of these.

Middle-aged women are also a crap shoot, some nice and quick, others bitchy and slow. Again, posture will be key.

This brings me to the final rule, one I am sure I will catch a hell of a lot of flack from...

**Muscle_Girl** · 06-09-2004, 11:03 AM

Originally Posted by Dale Mabry

2)Look at what the people in your line are buying.

Another technique is to look at what the person is purchasing. The following items tell you that this person has things they need to take care of and you can be assured they will be out of there as quickly as possible.

Tampons/Maxi Pads

So now true lol.. I don't specifically go when my period is going or even started.. I usually stock up when I know it might be coming a week later.

It's possible for this person to take longer..

**Dale Mabry** · 06-09-2004, 11:33 AM

4)Never, under any circumstance go to a line that has a fat black woman as a cashier.

This law is to be engraved into your retina. These women just do not give a fuck, period. They will not bag, if they do bag they will break your shit, toss canned food on top of your eggs, smash your bread and they will price check everything without a tag on it. What the hell do they care, they have to be there 8 hours anyway. This is very rational if you think about it, they don't get paid an extra dollar an hour if they run 100 customers through. The best part is, you would figure that they would speed up towards the end of the shift. This is not the case, one of 2 things will happen. Either they will take an hour reloading all the change and leave right before checking you out or they will just stop half way through scanning you through and leave. They are mad at the world. First off all the black dudes are dating white chicks these days and all the magazines are scattered with skinny bitches.

I am not saying all fat black women are like this, I know many who are not and I would bet money that these fat black cashiers are awesome to hang around with outside of the job, just avoid them if they are cashiers in a line you want to go through. I would say you have a 1 in 1000 chance of getting one that will

Those are my rules based on years of experience.

**Var** · 06-09-2004, 11:58 AM

**ALBOB** · 06-09-2004, 02:00 PM

Originally Posted by Muscle_Girl

I usually stock up when I know it might be coming a week later.

Which means you'll be even more bitchy than usual so we wouldn't want to be near you anyway.

**Rob_NC** · 06-09-2004, 02:03 PM

Originally Posted by ALBOB

Which means you'll be even more bitchy than usual so we wouldn't want to be near you anyway.

I was thinking the same thing!

**Jo-Anna** · 06-09-2004, 02:04 PM

This thread started off kind of funny - but you are right the last rule was very direct. It must have been a bad day for you yesterday. I hope you feel better today

**Rob_NC** · 06-09-2004, 02:04 PM

Hey Dale,

How can you tweak your rules to apply to Walmart?

**Jo-Anna** · 06-09-2004, 02:14 PM

That's easy - Quote: "I am not saying all fat black women are like this..."

Take your chances as they say...

**Dale Mabry** · 06-09-2004, 02:22 PM

I am in a great mood, and I wrote this today. This was actually something I noticed 2 weeks ago while at CVS, but could apply anywhere.

**Var** · 06-09-2004, 02:36 PM

Yeah...U gotta watch out for those lazy CVS emplyees.

<----CVS Employee

**MaxMirkin** · 06-09-2004, 02:57 PM

Whenever I'm feeling really depressed about my job, I just stop by CVS. Never fails to cheer me up.

**Var** · 06-09-2004, 02:59 PM

I work at Corporate, but its no more fun than the stores I'm sure.

**PreMier** · 06-09-2004, 05:48 PM

Whats CVS?

**Var** · 06-09-2004, 05:50 PM

Seriously? Consumer Value Store. Its a pharmacy chain. We're everywhere.

**PreMier** · 06-09-2004, 05:52 PM

Not out west.

**Var** · 06-09-2004, 05:55 PM

Sure we are. Maybe not in UT. I'll check

**Var** · 06-09-2004, 05:58 PM

Yeah...nothing in your area. Looks like the closest stores are in AZ and NV.

**myCATpowerlifts** · 06-09-2004, 06:59 PM

i work at a grocery store >.<

**Var** · 06-09-2004, 07:07 PM

My first job was in a grocery store as a bag boy.

**gr81** · 06-09-2004, 07:46 PM

preach on Dale, you are right brotha

**MaxMirkin** · 06-10-2004, 09:50 AM

Geez, what's the chance that this one little thread would bring together not one, but two whole grocery store employees (current or past) that actually speak English. This be some kind of miracle, no?

**ALBOB** · 06-10-2004, 09:58 AM

Originally Posted by MaxMirkin

Geez, what's the chance that this one little thread would bring together not one, but two whole grocery store employees (current or past) that actually speak English. This be some kind of miracle, no?

A small miracle, yes. A HUGE miracle would have been if they were both 7-Eleven employees.

**Dale Mabry** · 06-10-2004, 10:55 AM

I need to add an addendum to the 1st rule. Middle-aged men are far worse than old ladies when it comes to the change thing. It seems as though EVERY middle-aged man has about $5 in change in their pocket and will not hesitate to pull all of it out to save breaking a dollar, my father is big on this one.

**Rob_NC** · 06-10-2004, 12:36 PM

Originally Posted by Dale Mabry

I need to add an addendum to the 1st rule. Middle-aged men are far worse than old ladies when it comes to the change thing. It seems as though EVERY middle-aged man has about $5 in change in their pocket and will not hesitate to pull all of it out to save breaking a dollar, my father is big on this one.

I once watched my grandmother pay a restaraunt bill in cash. She had to count out the exact 15% tip down to the penny. Plastic is so much easier.

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