Thread: Jokes anyone??

Originally Posted by Dale Mabry

Forgot one...

What is the difference between select and choose?
Select is when you pick something, choose is what a Puerto Rican wears on his feet.

great stuff

Well, I lost the Trivia Contest during our church pot-luck dinner last night
by 1 point!

Not only did I get the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to
leave.

The question was: "Where do women have the curliest

hair?"










...Apparently the correct answer is 'Fiji Islands'.

My wife told me to make love to her like they do in the movies. So I had anal with her and came on her face. Apparently we don't watch the same kind of movies.

Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

The North Carolina Department of Labor claimed a small Monroe NC farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

Department of Labor employee: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

Farmer: Well, there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

Then there's the mentally challenged worker. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

NCDL employee: That's the guy I want to talk to...the mentally challenged one.

Farmer: That would be me.

WORKING JOE vs. WELFARE JOE

You have two families: "WORKING JOE " vs "WELFARE JOE ". Both families have two parents, two children, and lives in Canada.

WORKING Joe works in construction, has a Social Insurance Number and makes $25.00 per hour with taxes deducted.

Welfare Joe does not work, has a Social Insurance Number, and gets paid $15.00 per hour "without leaving the house".

Ready? Now pay attention...

Working Joe : $25.00 per hour x 40 hours = $1000.00 per week, or $52,000.00 per year.
Now take 30% away for provincial and federal taxes.
Working Joe now has $31,231.00 net.

Welfare Joe : $15.00 per hour x 40 hours = $600.00 per week, or $31,200.00 per year. Welfare Joe pays no taxes. Welfare Joe now has $31,200.00 net.


Working Joe pays medical and dental insurance with limited coverage for his family at $600.00 per month, or $7,200.00 per year. Working Joe now has $24,031.00 net.

Welfare Joe has full medical and dental coverage through the Provincial and local clinics at a cost of $0.00 per year. Welfare Joe still has $31,200.00 net.


Working Joe makes too much money and is not eligible for welfare. Working Joe pays $500.00 per month for food, or $6,000.00 per year. Working Joe now has $18,031 net.

Welfare Joe has no documented income and is eligible for welfare. Welfare Joe still has $31,200.00 net.

Working Joe pays rent of $1,200.00 per month, or $14,400.00 per year. Working Joe now has $9,631.00 net.

Welfare Joe receives a $500.00 per month federal rent subsidy. Welfare Joe pays out that $500.00 per month, or $6,000.00 per year. Welfare Joe still has $31,200.00 net.

Working Joe pays $200.00 per month, or $2,400.00 for auto insurance. Working Joe now has $7,231.00 net.

Welfare Joe says, "We don't need no stinkin' insurance!" and still has $31,200.00 net.


Working Joe has to make his $7,231.00 stretch to pay utilities, gasoline, etc.

Welfare Joe has to make his $31,200.00 stretch to pay utilities, buy gas, prepaid cell phone card, (alcohol/cigarettes) and play at the Casino.


Working Joe now works overtime on Saturdays or gets a part time job after work.

Welfare Joe has nights and weekends off to enjoy with his family & friends.


Working Joe and Welfare Joe's children attend the same school.
Working Joe pays for his children's lunches while Welfare Joe's children get a government sponsored lunch.
Working Joe's children go home after school, while Welfare Joe's children have an after school ESL program provided free.


Working Joe and Welfare Joe both enjoy the same police and fire services, but working Joe paid for them with his taxes and Welfare Joe did not.

Gotta love the Government!!!!!

Mexican Words of the Day

The teacher told Pepito to use the Following words in a sentence:

1. *Cheese*
Maria likes me, but cheese ugly.

2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.

3. *Shoulder*
My fren wants 2 become a citizen, but che didn't know how to read,
So I, shoulder.

4. * Texas *
When I'm not home, my fren always Texas me,
Che wonders where I am!

5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza.
I got mine piece,then che got herpes.

6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store, but ju went to see sum guy. July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars, but my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife , but che said chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair

10. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women.
I told her, "Honey, harassment nothen to me.

12. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair, so I had to pick the bishop.

13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club, but no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*
That women has a nice body, Budweiser face so ugly?

Each of the following statements, forwarded by astute reader Margaret Loader, is evidently known in learned circles as a paraprosdokian -- a figure of speech whose meaning would take too long to explain here. Suffice to say, these paraprosdokians are also funny.

- I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

- The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.

- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

- If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

- We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

- The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

- The evening news is where they begin with "Good evening," and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

- Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the edge of the pool and throw them fish.

- A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove you don't need it.

- Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, "In case of emergency, notify ... " I put, "a doctor."

- I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.

- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.

- Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

- A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way you look forward to the trip.

- I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

- I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

- When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember the fire department usually uses water.

- You're never too old to learn something stupid.

And finally ...

- A bus is a vehicle that travels twice as fast when you run after it as it does when you are in it.

Originally Posted by IainDaniel

1. Top tip; if you’re camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex..... Wish me luck; I appear in court next Monday.

2. I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today... Apparently the instruction “finish off on her face” didn't mean what I thought it did

3. A fat girl served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said “sorry about the wait” I said “don't worry fatty, you’re bound to lose it eventually”

4. One of life's great mysteries - How is it that a woman can fit a seven inch vibrator into her half inch butt... IN THE DARK...... but she's unable to fit an eight foot car into a fifteen foot parking space IN BROAD DAYLIGHT?

5.Snow eh! The TV weather woman said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself "fat chance" with a face like that!'

6. I have a new pick-up line that works every time!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous, or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them... Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

7. Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away ' But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

8. I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and “Mexicans” were not the correct answers.

Number 8 classic

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”




Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”



I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.

Not screaming in terror like his passengers.



Sandy was drinking at a pub all night. When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but to no avail, falling flat on his face. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see whether that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and, sure enough, fell flat on his face. So, being a practical Scot, he crawled all the way home.
When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand upright. This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, "So, ye've been oot drinkin' as usual!" "Why would ye say that?" he complained innocently.
"Because the pub called an' ye left yer wheelchair there again!"

Lmao, some funny stuff here

HAHAA, best thread on the forums

Originally Posted by IainDaniel

Mexican Words of the Day

The teacher told Pepito to use the Following words in a sentence:

1. *Cheese*
Maria likes me, but cheese ugly.

2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.

3. *Shoulder*
My fren wants 2 become a citizen, but che didn't know how to read,
So I, shoulder.

4. * Texas *
When I'm not home, my fren always Texas me,
Che wonders where I am!

5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza.
I got mine piece,then che got herpes.

6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store, but ju went to see sum guy. July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars, but my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife , but che said chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair

10. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women.
I told her, "Honey, harassment nothen to me.

12. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair, so I had to pick the bishop.

13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club, but no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*
That women has a nice body, Budweiser face so ugly?

15. *Ratchet*
Went out to dinner with my wife. I told the waiter
the food tasted like ratchet.

A dad is showering when his 5-year old son walks in and says, "Dad, what's THAT?" The father, pointing to his dick, says, "Son, this is my Manhood. In fact, it's a perfect example of male Manhood." Next day, the 5-year old is outside, taking a piss in the bushes, when the 5-year old neighbor girl sees him, points and asks, "What's THAT?" Looking at his dick, the kid replies, "This is my Manhood. In fact, if it was just a couple inches shorter, it would be a PERFECT example of male manhood."