Thread: The Wizard of IM Part 5

*I had meant for this to be the conclusion but it got too long so I think I'll definitly wrap this one up in the next installment. Depending on the demand I have a new idea I think is pretty good. Of course I apologize either for the delay or for ever creating a new installment altogether- whichever catagory you fall under. I think this one came out pretty good, although lengthy, and I'm so sick of it the next one I might just do the whole story in Smilies and Wingdings. If only I put this much effort in my schoolwork

Here's an archive to catch yourself up:
Chapt. 1- The Wizard of IM: An IM Story, Part 1

Chapt. 2- The Wizard of IM: An IM Story, Part 2

Chapt. 3- The Wizard of IM: An IM Story, Part 3

Chapt. 4- The Wizard of IM: An IM Story, Part 4

Now pay better attention!

Chapter 5: Mysterious Stranger

Rock4832 looked up as the dark cloud of flying monkeys swooped overhead. He knew exactly what it was, even in his inebriated state- pretty much his only state- and exactly what it entitled.

“It has begun…”

************************************************** **

“You imbecile!” Titanya growled.

“What? I think it looks nice on me,” myCATpowerlifts so innocently replied.

“Give me the thong. Perhaps it still has some of it’s magical properties.”

“You can’t have it.”

“It’s mine bitch. Find your own thong!”

greekblondchic eyed the two as they argued. Her plan was ruined. She had intended to befriend Tit and humor her ambitions just enough to snatch the magical thong of naturaltan for herself. Now, where would she go? Should she go back to her life of drowning kittens? Perhaps she would return to sleeping with pinatas and using them just for the candy.

Her pondering was cut short by the chattering of an army of flying monkeys. Her shriek of horror was delayed only by the scene of her arguing companions being lifted off their feet into the swarm.

************************************************** ***

IT, gr81, Eggs, and Var headed out into a dark tunnel, hiking their way towards the small glimmer of light barely visible from such a distance. Their task was vital, but not near as important as brave Albob’s, who was searching the Forgotten Caves of Dero. This dangerous maze was named after the missing king of the Adults Section forum, a peaceful world deleted from Elite IM Members by the evil Prince. Dero was so affected by the destruction of his home it is said that he escaped into exile into the dark regions of this very cavern, where he was the self proclaimed king of the Gay forum.

In this cave were the secrets of escape. Albob had to find Dero’s ancient scriptures that revealed the only way to open the gaping vortex back to the IM world.

Albob noticed a small, wise man dressed in robes sitting hutched over a table scattered with paper, pencils, and three very thick books. As he approached, however, the robed man seemed less like an avatar of knowledge and more like just a fat man in a ridiculous wizard costume.

“Care to join me in some Dungeons and Dragons?” the strange man, Metal V Player, asked.

Metal V Player’s story isn’t much unlike that of Var’s. In a flirtatious game of Dungeons and Dragons with Titanya, Metal dared to suggest he whip out his Infinite Penis of Power +5 and they go dungeon crawling together. He wasn’t aware of her reputation as the gaping vortex of IM. Now he spends his time dressed in various medieval outfits playing D&D with any visitors that occasionally wander into the dark hole.

Albob explained the urgency of the situation to Metal.

“So you want out right?” Metal instructed, “You will need the key to get out first, so follow my instructions exactly. You must clear your mind of any thoughts and fall into a state of self meditation. Drift into your subconscious for the answer, and the answers will come to you. Then you will gain access to the key. That is all I can tell you.”

Falling into a self meditative trance is not an easy task for someone who doesn’t know how to, much less in this much on the line.

One would need to be ancient enough to fall quickly into a deep sleep for no apparent reason. One would need to be stupid enough to have absolutely zero going on in one's mind. One would need to be senile enough to forget everything there is to know about anything.

One would need to be Albob.

Albob’s memories suddenly flooded him. He remembered the past incidents he had endured- his fart that resulted in the big bang, clubbing and dragging his first wife into his cave, but for some reason most of all he remembered a court case he once had:

While tutoring elementary children when Albob was younger (relatively speaking), he nervously fiddled with his keys and key chain in his pocket. Onlookers saw him leering over the children and making jerking movements in his pockets and mistakenly accused Albob of touching himself, leading to a lawsuit. The case was looking really bad for poor Albob at the time, considering his dirty history with children. His quick thinking lawyer quickly dismissed this case, however. In order for him to have been feeling himself up, he would have to have a “wang” at least 1-2 inches long to reach all the way to his pocket. Enough reports, and an in-court demonstration, proved once and for all that Albob was surely not long enough to touch himself all the way at his pocket.

“I’ve got it!” Albob exclaimed.

It all made sense to him now. His revelations had shed light on the answer, and he knew the way to escape the void. How did he not see it before? It makes so much sense now! The key is actually...

“Here ya go,” Metal interrupted.

“Huh?”

“The key. Here it is. I got it for you. I have it locked away hidden somewhere and I didn’t want you to see… so I had to distract you somehow to go get the key. Here, take it.”

That asshole…

***********************************************

Jail.

“They’ve thrown me in jail!?!?!” Titanya screamed in protest when she finally came to. Which was ironic because she usually goes “to come.”

The flying monkeys had flown her, CAT, and greekblondchic high over the Supplements board and tightly into the Open Chat Forum fortress. Now she was locked alone inside a cell, with the enchanted thong nowhere to be seen. She needed out. She needed that thong back.

************************************************

greekblondchic struggled as the monkey guards, led by Monkey King Kuso, fought to shove her into her cell. Fighting hard, she realized she would have to do some quick thinking.

Monkey King Kuso led a special division of monkey guards- the Japanese branch- although he wasn’t Japanese. It was obvious, she would have to hit Kuso where it hurt.

“Hey Kuso, is it true that you moved to Japan for the smaller condoms so they’d fit better?” greekblondchic teased.

No response.

"Didn't like being the guy with the small dick huh? So you surround yourself with smaller ones right?"

No response.

“Hey Kuso, how many aussies does it take to screw in a japa… aw fuck it.”

She grabbed a banana shaped sword from the nearest monkey guard and fought her way to the exit. She would have to find the thong, but she couldn’t do it alone. She’d have to find Titanya.

**************************************************

Titanya sat in her cell scoping out her surroundings. There was a single guard, and another prison mate in an adjacent cell.

“Hey you,” she whispered to the guard.

He grunted.

“What’s your name?”

“Hmph.”

“Well?”

“MaxMirkin,” he answered reluctantly.

“Help me out?”

They were interrupted by the prison mate next to them.

“Don’t even try, he doesn’t let anybody out. I didn’t even do anything, and he put me in here!” the prison mate cried.

“Silence Neutron!” MaxMirkin demanded, “No one told you to touch children! You’re only here until you’re past this disease. I can’t help you if you won’t admit you need help!”

“But…”

“I think only Jesus can help him now,” MaxMirkin explained to Titanya, “He’s an elite NAMBLA member, probably a founder. Sick, sick individual. But I think there’s still hope- I’m reaching out but he just won’t reach back.”

“I don’t touch boys!!!”

Titanya interrupted, “Enough of this. Listen. If you help me get out, I’ll grant you a wish. I need to get back the enchanted thong of naturaltan and once we get it I’ll obtain a wish, and I’ll share it with you. There must be something you want, anything! What is it you most desire?”

“Well…” MaxMirkin replied, “I have always wanted one thing…”

“What is it!? Money? Riches?”

“No.”

“Women to flock to you?”

“No.”

“Huge muscles? Respect? Power!”

“No.”

"... men?" Tit asked suspiciously.

"No!," Max confirmed, unconvincingly.

“Well what is it?”

“I want a pink ping pong ball.”

“What? You don’t want power? Money? Sex?”

“No, just a pink ping pong ball.”

“Come on, seriously! I can grant you anything!”

“Just a pink ping pong ball.”

“Can you tell me why?” she mused.

“I’ll tell you later.”

“Ok. Then I will grant you a pink ping pong ball.”

“Fine, I’ll go get it now. I’m the only one that knows where the enchanted thong is hidden. I’ll go retrieve it, give it back to you, and release you safely through a secret exit only I know about. No one will ever catch you, and this whole thing will blow over with you safely escaped and with the enchanted thong. You will have everything you need, and you will live happily ever after.”

Suddenly greekblondchic busted through the door and stabbed MaxMirkin with her banana sword.

“Titanya! I’m here to rescue you!”

************************************************

Suddenly, light began to shine inside what seemed an endless tunnel of darkness. It seemed things were turning around for IT, Eggs, gr81, Albob, and Var.

Rock watched anxiously from a distance for the team to emerge from their shadowy prison. Now things would begin to get interesting...

************************************************

Titanya and greekblondchic wandered the halls of the prison for the thong and the way out.

Titanya wondered aloud, "What the hell did he want that damn pink ping pong ball for?"

"Oh well," greek replied, "I guess we'll never ever ever ever know."

Use a rabbit next time.