Funny read for all the pet owners.

**madden player** · 10-06-2004, 06:56 PM

Dear Dog and/or Cat,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate & food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food & dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.)

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. (I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.)

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. (In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or cats' butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door: Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:

1. They live here; you don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my pet better than I like most people.

4. To you it's an animal. To me, he and/or she is an adopted son and/or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and is speech challenged.

Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

Pass this on to all you pet loving friends as well as those who aren't...it's too cute not to share.

**tryintogetbig** · 10-06-2004, 08:31 PM

thats a good read, thanks for the laugh

**nikegurl** · 10-07-2004, 10:09 AM

I like this one! Thanks for posting it.

(and by the way - it's good to know I'm not the only one who hasn't peed alone in years

)

**Jodi** · 10-07-2004, 10:16 AM

4. To you it's an animal. To me, he and/or she is an adopted son and/or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and is speech challenged.

Well said

**I Are Baboon** · 10-07-2004, 10:24 AM

Originally Posted by madden player

it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered.

HA, this applies to ANY room, not just the bathroom. My cats go nuts if I am on the other side of a closed door. Funny, they know that turning the knob opens the door, they just can't turn it.

**nikegurl** · 10-07-2004, 10:35 AM

Originally Posted by I Are Baboon

Funny, they know that turning the knob opens the door, they just can't turn it.

count your blessings - one of mine can and does turn knobs and open doors.

(but damn i love that hairy bastard

)

**Minotaur** · 10-07-2004, 10:56 AM

Originally Posted by I Are Baboon

HA, this applies to ANY room, not just the bathroom. My cats go nuts if I am on the other side of a closed door. Funny, they know that turning the knob opens the door, they just can't turn it.

Mine too. If I go into the bathroom, she sits outside and meows until I let her in. Then she plops down for a little while until she realizes that maybe she's made a mistake. Then she strokes and pats the door and meows at it and then looks at me pitifully until I open it again (I warn her it's dangerous to be in the bathroom when Daddy is dumping

). Fortunately the bathroom is small enough that I can reach the door knob from the seat.

I swear I'm going to cut passthroughs in the bottoms of all the doors so she can come and go as she pleases.

This one is very good, and I have used a variation of it...

1. They live here; you don't.

I have had my cat for 15 years, and no one, but no one f*** with her and does it a second time. My partner's sister (who lived with us temporarily for 4 years

) was yelling and cursing about tripping over the cat one time. He himself went off on his sister and said that cat was here before any of them were, including him, and would be with me long after they're all gone, including him. That shut her right up. A few murderous looks from me helped.

**pmech** · 10-07-2004, 11:03 AM

Ya my dog figured out how to open the doors. Unfortunately that also means the screen doors, the easist for him. He Likes to run at them at top speed, then jump and hit the handle, push lever type, to open it to go outside. While this saves me time of letting him outside, I have had to repalce 3 doors because he weight 93 lbs. I have also become a master of rescreening my own windows because of him and my other 3 kids.

Also, he is just like a kid, tries to aggravate me whenever he can, but is nice and sweet to mom, talks back to me, and tries to pick a fight whenever I tell him it is time for bed.

BTW , very funny.

**MaxMirkin** · 10-07-2004, 11:04 AM

My girl's folks got a cat. I call him, "Field Goal" 'nuff said.

**adrien_j9** · 10-07-2004, 11:30 AM

That's sick!!!!!

**nikegurl** · 10-07-2004, 11:34 AM

**MaxMirkin** · 10-07-2004, 11:36 AM

Originally Posted by adrien_j9

That's sick!!!!!

Don't worry, he's surprisingly durable.

**adrien_j9** · 10-07-2004, 11:37 AM

I'm looking for a new pet, think I could have him??

**MaxMirkin** · 10-07-2004, 11:41 AM

Originally Posted by adrien_j9

I'm looking for a new pet, think I could have him??

I'll kick him over your way.

**adrien_j9** · 10-07-2004, 11:48 AM

That's it. You need help! There's something the matter with that statement!

**nikegurl** · 10-07-2004, 11:55 AM

if you do that.....you'll need to rename him "punt"

**MaxMirkin** · 10-07-2004, 12:03 PM

Originally Posted by adrien_j9

That's it. You need help! There's something the matter with that statement!

I don't really need any help. "Playing" with the cat provides all the relief I'll ever need.

**MaxMirkin** · 10-07-2004, 12:04 PM

Originally Posted by nikegurl

if you do that.....you'll need to rename him "punt"

Something to keep in mind.

**madden player** · 10-07-2004, 12:46 PM

Originally Posted by Minotaur

..I have had my cat for 15 years, and no one, but no one f*** with her and does it a second time..

..I know what you mean. I would protect my dogs like they were my children.

It's nice to see that there are so many animal lovers here..My life would have a big void in it without my three dogs.

PS..Cat kicker, it is easy to kick a cat but my pitbulls will bite you back..hahahahaha

**MaxMirkin** · 10-07-2004, 12:52 PM

Originally Posted by madden player

..I know what you mean. I would protect my dogs like they were my children.

It's nice to see that there are so many animal lovers here..My life would have a big void in it without my three dogs.

PS..Cat kicker, it is easy to kick a cat but my pitbulls will bite you back..hahahahaha

I'd never kick a dog.....I actually like dogs.

**pmech** · 10-07-2004, 12:55 PM

Originally Posted by MaxMirkin

"Playing" with the cat provides all the relief I'll ever need.

I knew it!!

**madden player** · 10-07-2004, 12:58 PM

Originally Posted by MaxMirkin

I'd never kick a dog.....I actually like dogs.

A dog person...

I happen to go both ways...I like dogs and cats.

**MaxMirkin** · 10-07-2004, 01:06 PM

Originally Posted by madden player

A dog person...

I happen to go both ways...I like dogs and cats.

Guess I'm just not bi.

........wait a sec, what the hell did I just admit to?

**maniclion** · 10-07-2004, 03:57 PM

Originally Posted by I Are Baboon

HA, this applies to ANY room, not just the bathroom. My cats go nuts if I am on the other side of a closed door. Funny, they know that turning the knob opens the door, they just can't turn it.

One of my dogs knows how to lock the front door so I have to carry my key outside just in case.

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