Little Wing

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Winning Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Derek Redmond: "Well Derek, tell us about your amazing third leg."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said, "look at that magnificent erection."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

"MUSCLE IS TRULY GUARANTEED IF YOU WILL HONESTLY work out to BE YOUR VERY BEST -

GO FOR IT!!! BECAUSE YOU CAN!!!!!!

Take Care, John H."

Little Wing

The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to invent alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of this year's winning entries:

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have .

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightie.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

"MUSCLE IS TRULY GUARANTEED IF YOU WILL HONESTLY work out to BE YOUR VERY BEST -

GO FOR IT!!! BECAUSE YOU CAN!!!!!!

Take Care, John H."

Little Wing

When Fapping goes wrong

I'm crying with the shame of this story...
One day when I was a nipper I was going through my most furious fist and the furious stage (a billion times a day or something). Well anyway I had a thing for Jet from Gladiators (the shame)and had recorded the previous nights episode on my massive video. Anyway while watching it Jet was about to do her speciality - the over head rings thing - and I defy any man to not find that a turn on! Feeling randy I watched her lift her right leg really high in the air! Being well turned on I paused the video and proceeded to thrash one out.

So I had my trousers round my ankles and was stood in front of the TV, well into the vinegar strokes when my door swung open and there was my Dad!!!! Shit! As I was facing the door there was no way he couldn't tell what I was doing! Within the same second our extremely excitable dog barged into the room and jumped up at me at the very same time my purple monster spurted my man milk! The dog got it full in the face and I fell backwards onto the bed, cock in hand!

My Dad was bright red and tried to chase the dog out of the room while I started crying and tried to hide my shame! Burying my face in the pillow I really really wanted to die....
then out of the quiet and my muffled sobs I heard my Dad say "I prefer Lightning to that Jet" then he closed the door!
Sometime later I ventured downstairs and into the kitchen fearing laughs and ridicule only to be greeted with the sight of my Dad washing the Dog out in the yard!!!!!

Dad I salute you!





Come baby come baby, baby come come
I remember this like it was yesterday (even though it was about 12 years ago). I was bashing away in my living room to the video to Come Baby Come by K7, with my parents in the next shitting room, fer chrissakes (this must have been during my 'horny as a dog' phase). My mum walked in, I covered my shame with a nearby cushion and hoped that she didn't notice. But she did.

Only she didn't think I was wanking. If she did, the story wouldn't have been half as bad. No, she thought I had taken a biscuit from the kitchen, and thought she'd engage me in a bit of jovial tug of war with the cushion covering my rapidly shrinking penis. This went on for about 30 seconds, her laughing as she tried to shed light on my supposed theft, me terrified I'd flash my mum and she'd find out I was flogging the horse to a music video.

Eventually, she noticed the sweat dripping down my forehead and my teenage grip won out against her maternal tugging. I turned away, cock still hanging out, and ran down the corridor, laughing maniacally. To this day, I don't know whether she figured it out or not.






This is a question reply OK,
When I was 19 I broke my leg rather badly in an accident with a motorbike and as a result I had to spend almost 6 months in hospital in traction.
It was a long hot summer and the nurse’s uniforms often caught the light in such a way that they became translucent and the sight of inner thigh and the occasional glimpse of stocking top often greeted my eye and drove my mind to thoughts of lust.

There was one rather fine blonde ward sister with whom I became besotted; she was very fit, firm, rounded and very, very sexy.
We got on well and she’d often talk to me and bring me an extra cup of tea or a nice biscuit, I fancied her like crazy and so one day I could contain myself no more.

To get the curtains pulled around my bed I buzzed said ward sister and asked for a bedpan she as usual obliged and we exchanged a few pleasantries. As she bent over the bed I had a clear view of her breasts and I was in the mood for tossing my caber more than I can explain, I’d not been on a solo flight for about 4 months, in fact I’d not been for an ‘evacuation’ for probably 5 or 6 and now was the time, I was going to go for it.

She drew the curtains, I relaxed and took myself in hand and began tugging away fervently like a madman… It didn’t take long till I felt myself reaching the point of final exit so I polished away with even more gusto when suddenly and without warning the nurse walked back in through the curtains with a cheery “Sorry, did I leave my stethoscope in here”.

She caught me in my full on cumface. I don’t know if it was the sight of her, the shock, or if it was just poor timing but as she stood there staring at me I exploded down below and covered myself from head to toe in my own sticky man goo.

“I’ll get a cloth” she said “Then you can clean yourself up”

She never brought the incident up again, but she also talked to me less and less and the teas and biscuits became fewer and farer between.

I was never more embarrassed.

Best fap of my life though.





Speed wank
A few years back (about 7) my girlfriend lived up in a posh bit of Surrey, while I lived 70 miles away in Sussex. After one particularly frustrating and blue-ball inducing night with her on the sofa I set off home early on Sunday morning. I was driving back down the deserted M25 and came up with the stunning idea of rubbing out out while driving. I slid the seat back to get a bit of leg room, moved over to the slow lane and settled at a steady 70mph in my £600 Metro. Content with the conditions I unzipped myself and set to work. Everything was going fine, and I kept an eye on the rear view mirror. This little trick meant I had plenty of time to tuck the old chap away the few times a car overtook me.

As I was about to finish the job something happened that I hadn't planned, ploughing down on the left had side of me (and therefore completely out of view) from the slip road was a coach full of soldiers that got a birds eye view of me spunking my load all over myself and the dashboard while swerving across 3 lanes of motorway at the sudden approach of 50 overhead spectators.





Pipe Experiment
I never realised that the 'cock rings' that I regularly saw in magazines (as a teenager) were adjustable so that they could be RELEASED.
You learn these things by experimenting...
Or.... for want of a better expression... the hard way.
Teenage lad (shortly after the blissfull discovery of the "orgasm") slips a napkin ring around his todger... and uses it as a wanking handle.
Mid session, the make-shift napkin suddenly became too big for the ring... Being the smart lad I was, I reasoned "It'll go down if I get turned off".. so, 10 minutes of mentally picturing my grandmother naked should fix it... but No! I was infact increasing in size. After being horrified by the discovery that I obviously harboured disturbing thoughts for my Gran, I took no joy in the discovery and Realisation of the bio-mechanics behind my now monsterous and painful hardon.

You know how a love-bite/hickey causes surface capilaries to burst, and make your skin go a blotchy red/purple? well... my Dick was VERY much like that... ALL OVER.

I was terrified, and in my moment of need turned to my trusty Minicraft Drill... Two cutting disks later, the pewter napkin ring was only HALF off!! Compunding my misery, pain and horror, my MUM came up to see why i was "making toys" at 2:00am on a school night.

I bear the scars to this day.





Oh Emma!
My cousin was walking back from a club with some friends a few years back, when they saw a single parked car in a cark park.
Inside was a man, slumped forward looking rather dead, so they flagged down a passing police car for help.
The policeman went up to the car, took out his truncheon and tapped politely on the window, at which point the 'corpse' woke up.
Mr Plod asked him if he was ok and if he would step out of the car. The man said he would really rather stay there, but the policeman insisted.
The car door was opened and the policemen, my cousin and her friends were in for a treat - the man had trousers and pants round his ankles, a cardboard cutout of Baby Spice, and his todger poking through a handy hole in said cutout.

Turns out he wasn't dead, he'd just wanked himself unconscious.





Dead End
My mates sister (honest!!) was doing the pathology bit of her medical degree
They had to examine one corpse to determine cause of death. The only clue they had was a large circular exit wound on the top of his shoulder. After much deliberation, the class decided that it was some sort of gunshot wound.

It actually turned out that the gentleman in question had been pleasuring himself, whilst stood on the edge of the bath. No bad thing, but he choose to have the handle of a broom up his bottom at the same time. And was using the shower curtain rail as something to grab hold of for support.

Unfortunately it would appear that shower curtain rails aren't the best 'wanking supports' as it snapped, impaling him upon the broom like a man kebab. And hence the shoulder exit wound.

I hope that's a warning to anyone considering having a wank with a broom up their arse whilst swinging from a shower curtain!!!

Still, you've gotta laugh, eh!

"MUSCLE IS TRULY GUARANTEED IF YOU WILL HONESTLY work out to BE YOUR VERY BEST -

GO FOR IT!!! BECAUSE YOU CAN!!!!!!

Take Care, John H."

Little Wing

WORDS WOMEN USE
It may help, but you willl never truely understand them!


'FINE'
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.


'FIVE MINUTES'
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.


'NOTHING'
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"


'GO AHEAD' ( With Raised Eyebrows! )
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"


'GO AHEAD' (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.


LOUD 'SIGH'
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"


SOFT 'SIGH'
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.


THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."


'GO AHEAD!'
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.


'PLEASE DO!'
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"


'THANKS!'
A woman is thanking you. Do not! faint. Just say you're welcome.


'THANKS A LOT!'
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

"MUSCLE IS TRULY GUARANTEED IF YOU WILL HONESTLY work out to BE YOUR VERY BEST -

GO FOR IT!!! BECAUSE YOU CAN!!!!!!

Take Care, John H."

Little Wing

http://www.kontraband.com/show/show....CAT=games&NSFW=

this is fun

"MUSCLE IS TRULY GUARANTEED IF YOU WILL HONESTLY work out to BE YOUR VERY BEST -

GO FOR IT!!! BECAUSE YOU CAN!!!!!!

Take Care, John H."

oaktownboy

u have way too much time on ur hands

Chuck Norris once lost his keys and couldn't remember where he put them. So he tortured himself for half an hour until he gave up their location.

Little Wing

tell me about it. i hate the winter up here. get used to me till spring.

"MUSCLE IS TRULY GUARANTEED IF YOU WILL HONESTLY work out to BE YOUR VERY BEST -

GO FOR IT!!! BECAUSE YOU CAN!!!!!!

Take Care, John H."

Robboe

This is fan-fookin-tastic.

Being held down by The Man

Little Wing

lol... george burns said trying to have sex after 90 is like trying to shoot pool with rope.

"MUSCLE IS TRULY GUARANTEED IF YOU WILL HONESTLY work out to BE YOUR VERY BEST -

GO FOR IT!!! BECAUSE YOU CAN!!!!!!

Take Care, John H."

Little Wing

can you tell ass from elbow? and other nws games.

http://www.kontraband.com/show/show....games&NSFW=yes

"MUSCLE IS TRULY GUARANTEED IF YOU WILL HONESTLY work out to BE YOUR VERY BEST -

GO FOR IT!!! BECAUSE YOU CAN!!!!!!

Take Care, John H."

Little Wing

gay test

http://www.kontraband.com/show/show....games&NSFW=yes

"MUSCLE IS TRULY GUARANTEED IF YOU WILL HONESTLY work out to BE YOUR VERY BEST -

GO FOR IT!!! BECAUSE YOU CAN!!!!!!

Take Care, John H."

Little Wing

Windows RG

http://www.kontraband.com/show/show....CAT=games&NSFW=

"MUSCLE IS TRULY GUARANTEED IF YOU WILL HONESTLY work out to BE YOUR VERY BEST -

GO FOR IT!!! BECAUSE YOU CAN!!!!!!

Take Care, John H."

Little Wing

orgasm calculator

http://www.kontraband.com/show/show....CAT=games&NSFW=

"MUSCLE IS TRULY GUARANTEED IF YOU WILL HONESTLY work out to BE YOUR VERY BEST -

GO FOR IT!!! BECAUSE YOU CAN!!!!!!

Take Care, John H."

Robboe

I just spat my coffee over my keyboard laughing at this. I thought that first question would be like an introduction question before the rest.

Being held down by The Man

Little Wing

spanking game

http://www.kontraband.com/show/show....games&NSFW=yes

"MUSCLE IS TRULY GUARANTEED IF YOU WILL HONESTLY work out to BE YOUR VERY BEST -

GO FOR IT!!! BECAUSE YOU CAN!!!!!!

Take Care, John H."

Luke9583

"spanking game" ? I"ll play!
















Crap, didn't see the link

"If you're not part of the solution, you're the precipitate."

Little Wing

i can only get to 14 or so.

"MUSCLE IS TRULY GUARANTEED IF YOU WILL HONESTLY work out to BE YOUR VERY BEST -

GO FOR IT!!! BECAUSE YOU CAN!!!!!!

Take Care, John H."

ALBOB

It's your own damn fault. It's a nice, toasty 70 degrees back here in Vegas.

Rules? You mean we have RULES for that???

Little Wing

it's not nice to make girls cry.

"MUSCLE IS TRULY GUARANTEED IF YOU WILL HONESTLY work out to BE YOUR VERY BEST -

GO FOR IT!!! BECAUSE YOU CAN!!!!!!

Take Care, John H."

min0 lee

Was that a hint to her?

Little Wing

i used to live in vegas

"MUSCLE IS TRULY GUARANTEED IF YOU WILL HONESTLY work out to BE YOUR VERY BEST -

GO FOR IT!!! BECAUSE YOU CAN!!!!!!

Take Care, John H."

min0 lee

With Albob?

Little Wing

lol. yes but i caught him cheating on me w one of the boylesque ladies. sigh.

"MUSCLE IS TRULY GUARANTEED IF YOU WILL HONESTLY work out to BE YOUR VERY BEST -

GO FOR IT!!! BECAUSE YOU CAN!!!!!!

Take Care, John H."

Little Wing

bump. it's winter again.

"MUSCLE IS TRULY GUARANTEED IF YOU WILL HONESTLY work out to BE YOUR VERY BEST -

GO FOR IT!!! BECAUSE YOU CAN!!!!!!

Take Care, John H."

Little Wing

bump.... sure is cold :/

"MUSCLE IS TRULY GUARANTEED IF YOU WILL HONESTLY work out to BE YOUR VERY BEST -

GO FOR IT!!! BECAUSE YOU CAN!!!!!!

Take Care, John H."