George Carlin Quotes

**min0 lee** · 01-08-2005, 04:49 PM

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes. . . why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section? " She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him. . . is he still wrong? (yes)
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all? "
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that shit?
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore

**soxmuscle** · 01-08-2005, 04:52 PM

wow, those make some excellent away messages on instant messanger, thanks for posting those.

**V Player** · 01-08-2005, 04:57 PM

Classic Carlin. Damn......some of those make excellent sigs.

**min0 lee** · 01-08-2005, 05:18 PM

From George Carlin:

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00
apiece on those
little
bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards:
NAIVE

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like
making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

3. OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as
the "Jags" and the
Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what
does that make the
Tennessee Titans?

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does
that mean that one
enjoys it?

5. There are three religious truths:
A. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the
Messiah.
B. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as
the leader of
the Christian faith.
C. Baptists do not recognize each other in
the liquor store
or at Hooters.

6. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
several times,
does he become disoriented?

7. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't
people from
Holland called Holes?

8. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a
whack?

9. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy
adultery?

10. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

11. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

12. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts"
and you put your
two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?

13. Why is the man who invests all your money called a
broker?

14. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't
they just stale
bread to begin with?

15. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it
say?

16. Why is a person who plays the piano called a
pianist but a person
who drives a race car not called a racist?

18. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

19. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

20. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

21. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the
English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

22. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,
cowboys
deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and
dry cleaners
depressed?

23. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call
it Fed UP?

24. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

25. What hair color do they put on the driver's
licenses of bald men?

27. I was thinking about how people seem to read the
Bible a whole lot
more as they get older; then it dawned on me . .
they're cramming for
their final exam.

28. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with
tiny little
spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese
mothers use?
Toothpicks?

29. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the
Post Office? What
are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they
just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can
look for them while
they deliver the mail?

30. If it's true that we are here to help others, then
what exactly are
the others here for?

31. You never really learn to swear until you learn to
drive.

32. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their
team is winning.

33. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be
if it didn't
zigzag?

34. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door
went nuts.

35. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

36. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?[/QUOTE]

**maniclion** · 01-09-2005, 05:49 PM

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

Weather forcast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

**min0 lee** · 01-09-2005, 06:48 PM

George is great, I can't wait for him to make a HBO special.

**busyLivin** · 01-10-2005, 11:25 AM

I'll be dancing on his grave.

Thread: George Carlin Quotes

Thread Tools

Display

George Carlin Quotes

Borrowed from Mudge and Prince

Similar Threads

George Carlin dies at 71

George Carlin strikes again!

George Carlin on Religion

By George Carlin

Thoughts from George Carlin

Posting Permissions