Thread: Too funny!!!

Any one start out like this?

IF you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with

you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular

workout routine.


Dear Diary, For my 50th birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a

week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am

still in great shape since playing on my college football team 30 yrs ago, I

decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.



Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named

Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and model

for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my

enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart

my progress.



MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well

worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.

She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a

dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!



Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5

minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I

attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I

enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class

after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my

sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole

time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!



TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and

then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,

but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.



WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on

the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a

hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or

stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was

impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.

Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she

scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt

when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the

hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete

by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other shit too.



THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as

her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being

a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me

to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the

men's room.. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the

rowing machine -- which I sank.



FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated

any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic

little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without

unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my

triceps. I don't have any triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor,

don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than

a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and

nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama

coach or the choir director?



SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,

shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made

me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength

to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the

Weather Channel.



SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go

and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my

wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or

a vasectomy.

This very funny.....

I have copied it and pasted it in my email to send to my friends......Priceless....