Thread: Relationship advise...

#1 - loving someone and being in love are two different things. do you know the differnce ?

#2 - sounds like you just need to get out and get some general dating experience under your belt. I would avoid women who are looking for "love". there is something not right about anyone who tells somebody that they "love them" after only dating for 6 weeks.

Originally Posted by largepkg

OK, a brief history about my past relationship. A year and a half ago I had my heart rip from my chest by "The One" or what I thought to be the one. I was with this girl for eleven years, since we were 18. I was going to marry her in six months. Obviously I'm glad I didn't but I still love her and she says she still loves me. I'm don't think I could ever trust her again so reconciling isn't an option.

Now to the issue at hand.

I've seen a few other ladies since none of which compare to "The One". The lady I'm seeing now for the past six weeks made the mistake of saying she loved me. She realized this was a mistake from the looked in my eyes when she said it. She then tried to back track to no avail. The damage was done. I knew this was coming but I was hoping it would be awhile longer. You see I'm not sure about my feelings for her. At this point in my life I'm not sure I'm capable of love. I know, I know, there is someone out their that's perfect for me. Blah, blah, blah. This doesn't help me now. I don't think she is the one, but I'm not sure.

If I stay in this relationship am I hurting myself? Hurting her? I'm much more concerned about hurting her. I don't think the way I feel is fair to her. If I'm not capable of reciprocating the feelings should I continue the relationship? I know I'm asking a lot with very little given to work with. Ask whatever question you must. I just need some solid opinions/advise.

Maybe I don't see this right, but how about talking to her, being honest and telling her exactly how you feel and see what she has to say.

Originally Posted by LAM

#1 - loving someone and being in love are two different things. do you know the differnce ?

#2 - sounds like you just need to get out and get some general dating experience under your belt. I would avoid women who are looking for "love". there is something not right about anyone who tells somebody that they "love them" after only dating for 6 weeks.

Yes, I know the difference between the two. I'm still in love with my ex. This is going to create problems in any relationship in the future I know.

I do understand your skepticism with her saying she is in love with me after only six weeks. My only rebuttal would be we've seen each other almost every night since we met. So we spent a lot of time together in a short period.

Originally Posted by craig777

Maybe I don't see this right, but how about talking to her, being honest and telling her exactly how you feel and see what she has to say.

That certainly would be one way to go. I realize this has to happen soon before more damage may be done.

I guess I'm just looking to speak to someone about it. Maybe to get some fresh points of view.

I think most people make these things much more complicated than need be. How she feels and you feel can very well be different and you can still have a great time toghether. Some people are quick to develop strong emotion and some aren't... some are and just don't verbalize. Either way I don't see it as a bad thing. She said it, it's done and now you know that worst case she thinks a great deal for you. I think many people think too hard instead of just having a good time. Too many time lines and biological clock stuff going on. You should never compare a woman to an ex. You should be dating when you aren't still absorbed in the past of someone. If you still love your ex and she loves you then get back together or stop dwelling over it. But you are making your own complications when you lollygag about your ex then voluntarily see other women on a regular basis knowing you aren't ready for a commitment. There is a great solution to stuff like this... it's called being single.

Originally Posted by shutupntra1n

I think most people make these things much more complicated than need be. How she feels and you feel can very well be different and you can still have a great time toghether. Some people are quick to develop strong emotion and some aren't... some are and just don't verbalize. Either way I don't see it as a bad thing. She said it, it's done and now you know that worst case she thinks a great deal for you. I think many people think too hard instead of just having a good time. Too many time lines and biological clock stuff going on. You should never compare a woman to an ex. You should be dating when you aren't still absorbed in the past of someone. If you still love your ex and she loves you then get back together or stop dwelling over it. But you are making your own complications when you lollygag about your ex then voluntarily see other women on a regular basis knowing you aren't ready for a commitment. There is a great solution to stuff like this... it's called being single.

While I agree with most of what you say dealing in reality rather than the utopia you speak of is important.

1. Yes, I still love my ex. I don't know how to turn that off. I am single... I think

2. Women think on a different level than men. They have their emotional agenda which differs from mine.

3. Comparing women to my ex is wrong, but is it unnatural? Certainly it's not fair, but...

Originally Posted by largepkg

While I agree with most of what you say dealing in reality rather than the utopia you speak of is important.

1. Yes, I still love my ex. I don't know how to turn that off. I am single... I think

2. Women think on a different level than men. They have their emotional agenda which differs from mine.

3. Comparing women to my ex is wrong, but is it unnatural? Certainly it's not fair, but...

Dude, if my thoughts are a utopia then I am living in one. I don't date people immediately after being burned if I suspect I might compare them or be bitter despite a situation that came about before I met the new person. You are seeing someone every single night for 42 days and you are single You cannot control your feelings but you sure can control your actions. By this I mean, reguarding how you feel about your ex, seeing someone when your wound still feels fresh is just clouding up the situation even more. Just don't see anyone. Go out in groups and have a good time. Enjoy the company of another woman but don't be so quick to be romantic. You are confusing yourself. Granted I don't get hung up over people, if I feel the slightest bit not ready to date with a clear mind, I simply don't.

Originally Posted by shutupntra1n

Dude, if my thoughts are a utopia then I am living in one. I don't date people immediately after being burned if I suspect I might compare them or be bitter despite a situation that came about before I met the new person. You are seeing someone every single night for 42 days and you are single You cannot control your feelings but you sure can control your actions. By this I mean, reguarding how you feel about your ex, seeing someone when your wound still feels fresh is just clouding up the situation even more. Just don't see anyone. Go out in groups and have a good time. Enjoy the company of another woman but don't be so quick to be romantic. You are confusing yourself. Granted I don't get hung up over people, if I feel the slightest bit not ready to date with a clear mind, I simply don't.

Liz, I understand what you're saying and agree with you. I didn't get into this relationship with the idea of it being a relationship. Things just happened that way. Do I ultimately control that? Of course I do. I enjoy the company of a lady. Should I just shut down completely because of my feelings for my ex? I'm not a one night stand kind of guy either. This is not an option for me, sorry.

Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt? Not when you broke up but during the relationship? Does this go away? This wound is not fresh. It has been 18 months. Getting back together isn't an option. Burn me once shame on you. Burn me twice shame on me!

i recently had a relationship w a guy who at first seemed really nice. it wasn't long before i heard "i love you, i love you, i love you" i did not at all feel the same.
there is a difference too of just not being in love and having seen traits in a person that mean you will never feel love for them. the latter was my case and i was quick to say good bye.

on the other hand i have been thunderstruck by love. totally surprised to one day realize i was in love with my best friend....

just let her know where you stand unless you know you will never love her if that's the case it's cruel to keep her waiting don't you think?

Originally Posted by rockgazer69

i recently had a relationship w a guy who at first seemed really nice. it wasn't long before i heard "i love you, i love you, i love you" i did not at all feel the same.
there is a difference too of just not being in love and having seen traits in a person that mean you will never feel love for them. the latter was my case and i was quick to say good bye.

on the other hand i have been thunderstruck by love. totally surprised to one day realize i was in love with my best friend....

just let her know where you stand unless you know you will never love her if that's the case it's cruel to keep her waiting don't you think?

Yes! Very cruel.

The thing is I don't fall in love easily. I analyze everything before I let my emotions take over. Six weeks isn't enough time for me to determine whether I will fall for this girl. I will say that I haven't ruled it out. I do "like" her a lot. She's one of the coolest girls I've ever met. If I looked from a distance this would be the type of girl I should fall in love with. Unfortunately, this hasn't happened.

Originally Posted by largepkg

Yes! Very cruel.

The thing is I don't fall in love easily. I analyze everything before I let my emotions take over. Six weeks isn't enough time for me to determine whether I will fall for this girl. I will say that I haven't ruled it out. I do "like" her a lot. She's one of the coolest girls I've ever met. If I looked from a distance this would be the type of girl I should fall in love with. Unfortunately, this hasn't happened.

Hey Brother, Falling in LOVE isn't and shouldn't be easy. If it is then it's not the real deal IMO!!! I think your secretly comparing anyone and everyone to "the one" Whether you admit it or not, I think you are. I also never put a time limit on LOVE, when it's LOVE it's LOVE. You do not have to look for it, am I making sense? Trust me on this Brother............ It does get better. I too was in a similar boat, always comparing "the one" to everyone. Then I met a woman, got to know her, spent alot of time and before I knew it my thoughts of "The One" where farther and farther apart until I realized, Hey man, This is Love, and ya know what? I married that woman and am the happiest and luckiest man in the world!!! Sorry for talking your ear off, just my 2 cents.

Originally Posted by Archangel

Hey Brother, Falling in LOVE isn't and shouldn't be easy. If it is then it's not the real deal IMO!!! I think your secretly comparing anyone and everyone to "the one" Whether you admit it or not, I think you are. I also never put a time limit on LOVE, when it's LOVE it's LOVE. You do not have to look for it, am I making sense? Trust me on this Brother............ It does get better. I too was in a similar boat, always comparing "the one" to everyone. Then I met a woman, got to know her, spent alot of time and before I knew it my thoughts of "The One" where farther and farther apart until I realized, Hey man, This is Love, and ya know what? I married that woman and am the happiest and luckiest man in the world!!! Sorry for talking your ear off, just my 2 cents.

I feel ya.

Maybe I'm subconsciously trying to sabotage my own happiness.

I really need to seek psychiatric

This is kinda out of subject but I could not resist.

Dating Advice

Originally Posted by largepkg

1. Yes, I still love my ex. I don't know how to turn that off. I am single... I think

2. Women think on a different level than men. They have their emotional agenda which differs from mine.

3. Comparing women to my ex is wrong, but is it unnatural? Certainly it's not fair, but...

1. You CANT turn that off. You'll feel that way about her till you find someone else that you care about just as much, then GUARENTEED you'll forget about her (if not, i'll whack her for $50)

2. No, women are fucking crazy.

3. Again, you'll compare every new chick to your ex., that's just natural. But you gotta understand that there is SO many more girls out there. People who believe they found "the one" are just fucked up in the head and delude themselves. THere's 3 billion members of the opposite sex, do you dellusionals HONESTLY believe that you found the "one". No, you found someone that you really care about, that really cares about you, and you both compromise to make the relationship work. That's the bottom line. Find someone you really get along with and care about who also feels the same towards you (which doesnt seem to be a problem for ya), and try to make it work (if thats what you want at the time)

Personally i try to stay the fuck away from girls, cuz girls = evil.
I just go by a little quote i remember from Goodfellas:

Mom: "Why don't you get yourself a nice girl?"
Tommy: "I git a nice one awmost ev'ry night, ma."
Ma: "Ya, but get a nice girl so could settle down."
Tommy: "I settle down awmost ev'ry night but den in da mornin' I'm free, I love you."

We'll be waitin' for ya here back on the light side of the force, young skywalker

Originally Posted by Archangel

I too was in a similar boat, always comparing "the one" to everyone. Then I met a woman, got to know her, spent alot of time and before I knew it my thoughts of "The One" where farther and farther apart until I realized, Hey man, This is Love, and ya know what? I married that woman and am the happiest and luckiest man in the world!!!

EXACTLY.

you think you can't get over "the one" and keep comparing new ones to "the one" until you give a new one a chance. then you realize "the one" isnt all that you cracked her up to be, you fall in love with the new one, and "the one" is nothing but a memory.

if you're getting laid i dont see the problem

The original poster should do the right thing.

Originally Posted by Mr_Snafu

The original poster should do the right thing.

Care to elaborate?

Originally Posted by Flex

1. You CANT turn that off. You'll feel that way about her till you find someone else that you care about just as much, then GUARENTEED you'll forget about her (if not, i'll whack her for $50)

2. No, women are fucking crazy.

3. Again, you'll compare every new chick to your ex., that's just natural. But you gotta understand that there is SO many more girls out there. People who believe they found "the one" are just fucked up in the head and delude themselves. THere's 3 billion members of the opposite sex, do you dellusionals HONESTLY believe that you found the "one". No, you found someone that you really care about, that really cares about you, and you both compromise to make the relationship work. That's the bottom line. Find someone you really get along with and care about who also feels the same towards you (which doesnt seem to be a problem for ya), and try to make it work (if thats what you want at the time)

Personally i try to stay the fuck away from girls, cuz girls = evil.
I just go by a little quote i remember from Goodfellas:

Mom: "Why don't you get yourself a nice girl?"
Tommy: "I git a nice one awmost ev'ry night, ma."
Ma: "Ya, but get a nice girl so could settle down."
Tommy: "I settle down awmost ev'ry night but den in da mornin' I'm free, I love you."

We'll be waitin' for ya here back on the light side of the force, young skywalker

Flex,

1. You're right

2. You're right

3. You're right


Be careful, I may take you up on your offer.

Dam, large-
I am going thru the same thing...just happened to come across this thread.
I am just casually dating right now, as I cannot get serious with anyone. Not ready to go thru that again..
I believe there is someone else out there. The last one..was an amazing woman, overall...but if she wasn't the woman I am ameant to share my life with, then somone even better is going to come along..that is hope...
That's my theory..or at least what I am telling myself..

Originally Posted by Shae

This is kinda out of subject but I could not resist.

Dating Advice

THAT was funny!