Thread: The Universal Breakup Card

Dear ________________,

_____ 1) It's been fun, but I want to see other people

______ 2) You suck in bed.

____ 3) I want to explore new things and meet new people

____ 4) I've seen Professional Wrestlers more sensitive than you

____ 5) You're a loser

____ 7) You're too sensitive, stop whining already

_____8) I have to break up with you because I slept with your best friend/ dog/ sister/ neighbor

_____ 9) It's not you, it's me. I'm a double agent and have to rescue the President

____ 10) I'm actually not straight / gay, fooled you!

___ 11) We can't have sex because I keep thinking about your mother/father/best friend/ cow/ next door neighbor

___ 12) Your stubborn refusal to not flush the toilet / shave / masturbate / kick helpless animals is just too much

___13) I'm prejudiced against _________, so this isn't going to work.

___ 14) You were so awful I'm joining a seminary / practicing celibacy forever

____ 15) I now hate men / women because of you

___ 16) You told my parents we do it like monkeys and they won't let me see you now

___ 17) You're fucking cheap, I don't want much, but c'mon!

___ 18) I have to leave, I pissed off the mob / government / terrorists / rap musicians

___19) You're leaving to college / the military / prison, I don't feel like waiting

____ 20) I've been indicted for War Crimes

____21) He / She is much better looking than you

___ 22) This sleazy guy /girl convinced me you're a waste of my time and I'm going to hook up with them

_____23) I've seen fourth graders smarter than your friends, at least the fourth graders can color in the lines and spell college correctly

___ 24) You are from New Jersey, nuff said

___ 25) I love my cat / dog / sex slave more and you're allergic to them

____26) I was blind when we started dating but now that my sight is back, eeeeewwww

____27) I'm shallow and want a guy / girl with lots of money

____28) I would rather make out with an electrical socket

____29) You're standing in the way of my dream job: Professional Polar Bear Kick Boxing champion.

Sincerely,