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Taking a Dump - Detailed
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02-19-2005, 10:03 PM
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#1 |
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I See©
Elite Member
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Taking a Dump - Detailed
BODYBUILDING SUPPLEMENTS High Quality Supplements For Bodybuilders and Athletes. www.ironmaglabs.com Taking a Dump
The Perfect Dump -- Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it. The Beer Dump -- Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days. The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield. The Cable Dump -- Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, ''DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?'' you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself. The Latrine Dump -- In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump. Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole. The Mona Lisa Dump -- This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far. The Empty Roll Dump - You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say ''Where are the curtains?'' Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every ''empty roll dumper'' must face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll. The Splash-Back Dump - You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed. Tip: Blot instead of wiping. The Aborted Dump - You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do. The Alfresco Dump -- Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of Brownies or a patch of poison ivy. The Childbirth Dump -- This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming ''Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf.'' You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do: Scream, call an Obstetrician, or just hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it. The Tijuana Trot Dump -- The phrase ''Shit Happens'' really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy. The Machine Gun Dump -- You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran, cradling his umbrella like an M16 and shrieking something about “damn Commies.” The Sound Effect Dump -- You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects: flush the toilet, sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem, or drop a handful of quarters on the floor The Security Dump -- You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this... hum loudly. The Cling-On Dump -- For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors. The Houdini Dump -- You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? You'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in. The Flu Dump -- You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again...up down up down. Don't you wish Mom were close by? The Porta-Pottie Dump -- Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, “It's like taking a shit in an upright coffin.” It's claustrophobic and it smells bad... best advice... go in a paper cup. The Proctologist Dump -- In the beginning, the Lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it -- you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it?? The Whole Roll Dump -- No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste. The Graffiti Dump -- You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs there...love it or leave it. Its your choice. The Encore Dump - Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven encores. The Born Again Dump - This is a dump that's going so badly, you say “Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion.” You always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth... you forget the pain quickly. Last edited by min0 lee : 02-20-2005 at 11:22 AM. |
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02-20-2005, 11:16 AM
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#3 |
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Dedicated to one thing!!!
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
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LOL that was one of the funniest things i have read today although to be honest a bit disturbing
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02-20-2005, 11:58 AM
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#4 |
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Six String Samurai
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Dallas
Posts: 1,313
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I dont think I need cardio today.....this one did it for me.
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http://www.thestranglehold.com/images/pix/Batista.jpg
Someday....I will be like you.... |
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02-20-2005, 12:28 PM
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#6 |
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Registered User
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Salt Lake City
Posts: 2,177
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ahhahha, I enjoyed reading that "shit".........the bad thing was, I was eating a big meal of eggs,tuna and cottage cheese while reading it, and I liked it....is that sick
????????? lol......................And mino, I thought ladies dont talk about their "busniness"???? |
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02-20-2005, 12:32 PM
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#7 | |
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Six String Samurai
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Dallas
Posts: 1,313
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Quote:
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http://www.thestranglehold.com/images/pix/Batista.jpg
Someday....I will be like you.... |
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02-20-2005, 12:44 PM
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#10 | |
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I See©
Elite Member
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Quote:
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02-20-2005, 01:14 PM
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#11 | |
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Senior Member
Elite Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 2,905
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Quote:
 You now know why he is so angry.  |
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02-20-2005, 06:55 PM
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#13 | |
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Six String Samurai
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Dallas
Posts: 1,313
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Quote:
Dayum..... if you can associate cardio with taking a dump, you must take plenty of Childbirth Dumps yourself.   |
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http://www.thestranglehold.com/images/pix/Batista.jpg
Someday....I will be like you.... |
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02-20-2005, 07:04 PM
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#14 |
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Moderator
Moderator
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Ok, so I made on enot listed last night after drinking some Murphy's Irish Stout. I do not know if that is what caused the attributes, but I think it is what speeded up the process of coming out.
Marble Rye Doodie So, it was big, and intermittent clay/dark brown in color, hence the name marble rye. It was also quite oddly shaped. Here is a pic...of a marble rye.  |
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If sense were common, everyone would have it.
4/2007-Current 75th Ranked most popular image 1 spot behind Prince's bulge... |
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02-20-2005, 07:08 PM
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Rock da beat Move yerfeet
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02-20-2005, 07:11 PM
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#17 |
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Patrick
Super Moderator
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: AZ
Posts: 30,280
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lol, that is great!!
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http://pwtraining.blogspot.com/.....come and see what is on my mind!
http://ivonneberkowitz.blogspot.com/....check out Ivonne's new blog! Optimum Sports Performance "In the beginners mind there are many possibilities, in the experts there are few." -Buddha's Little Instruction Book |
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02-20-2005, 11:17 PM
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#18 |
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Registered User
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Salt Lake City
Posts: 2,177
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lol, click there>>> www.strangeland.com and then click on "the shit factory" please do not go there if you can't take this kind of "shit"....thats why I cant give you an exact link......................It just looks like a site MINO would enjoy!!!
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02-21-2005, 02:44 AM
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#19 |
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SEMPER~FIDELIS
Elite Member
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Shit Happens
Taoism: Shit happens. If you can shit, it isn't shit. Shit happens, so flow with it. Hare Krishna: Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding. She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens, she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you become one with she-it) Please this flower and buy our shit. Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit happens". Confucious says, "If shit has to happen, let it happen PROPERLY." Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit. If shit happens, it isn't really happening TO anyone. Shit will happen again to you next time. Only he who totally gives up the desire for shit will have salvation. Zen: What is the sound of shit happening? 7th Day Adventism: Shit happens on Saturdays. Hinduism: I've seen this shit happening before. This shit is not a religion, it is the way of life. This shit happening IS you. Protestantism: If shit happens, it happens to someone else. If shit happens, praise the lord for it! Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough. Episcopalianism: If shit happens, hold a procession. Lutheranism: Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK. Anglicanism: It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans. Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserved it. You were born shit, you are shit, and you will die shit. Charismatic Catholicism: Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you anyway. Judaism: Why does shit always happen to US? Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal? Reform Judaism: Got any laxatives? Islam: If this shit happens, it is the will of Allah. If shit happens, take a hostage. We don't take any shit. Nation of Islam: Don't take no shit! New Age: That's not shit, it's feldspar. A firm shit does not happen to me. This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate. I create my own shit. If shit happens, honor it and share it. Sheeeeeeeeeeit! Were all part of the same shit. For $300, we can help you get in touch with your inner shit. Wicca: If shit happened once, it will happen twice more. The Goddess makes shit happen. Jehovah's Witnesses: No shit happens until Armaggedon. There is only a limited amount of good shit. Knock Knock, "Shit Happens." Here, we insist you take our shit. Shit happens door to door. Good Morning, I have some shit for you to read. Secular Humanism: Shit evolves. Darwinism: Survival of the shittiest. Creationism: ... And the Lord said "Let there be shit" ... and there came piles of it. After six days of this shit, He rested. Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor--pray. Shit doesn't happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it. Our shit will take care of itself. Shit happens in your mind. Atheism: I don't believe this shit! Shit doesn't happen. Shit is dead. No shit! It looks and smells like shit, so I'm damned if I'm going to taste it. Religion from an Atheist's point of view: I haven't smelt, seen, touched, or tasted it. But it's shit. Agnosticism: It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm not sure whether its shit or not. What is this shit?! I don't know shit! How can we KNOW if shit happens? You can't prove any of this shit! Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit! Hey, this is good shit, mon. Mormonism: If shit happens, shun it. Excrement happens. (you can't say 'shit' in Utah) Hey, there's more shit happening over here! Our shit is better than your shit. Shit happens again & again & again ... Energizer Bunny: Shit happens and happens and happens and ... Baptist: You are shitting all wrong, and you'll be punished for it. We'll wash the shit right off you. Southern Baptist: Shit will happen. Praise the lord! Iraqi Baathist: Oh shit! Voodoo: Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you. Let's stick some pins in this shit! This shit's gonna get you! Televangelism: Your tax-deductible donation could make this shit stop happening... Unitarianism: What is this Shit? We affirm the right for shit to happen. Go ahead, shit anywhere you want. It's not the shit that matters. It's the process. Orthodox: St. Sergius found his faith in deep shit. Greek Orthodox: Shit happens, usually in threes. EST: I am at cause that shit will not happen. You're responsible for all the shit that happens. Fundamentalism: There's no shit in the Bible. Shit happens, but don't publish it. Twelve Step: Shit happens one day at a time. Amish: Shit is good for the soil. This modern shit is worthless. Native Americans: Shit is sacred when it happens. Shintoism: You inherit the shit of your ancestors. Moonies: Only happy shit really happens. Stoicism: This shit happening is good for me. Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half the time. Christianity stole half its shit from us. Bahaism: Why do you keep shitting on us? Mysticism: This is really weird shit. Paganism: Shit happens for a variety of reasons. Rajhneesh: Give us your shit and put on this orange shit. Rosicrucianism: What is this AMORC shit? Satanism: We hope bad shit happens to all of you. We will make your shit happen. Witchcraft: Mix this shit together and it will happen! Scientology: All this happens to be shit. If you leave us, bad shit will happen to you. Shamanism: Whoaa...Holy Shit! Sikhism: Leave our shit alone. Moilanenism: Smells like shit of finnish fish. Sureshism: You are all pieces of shit. Branch Davidianism: May shit happen to the FBI! If shit happens, have a BIG barbecue... David thinks he's hot shit. Divorcism: She's full of shit! He's fooling around with some worthless piece of shit. ... but Judge, you can't give her all that shit! Creation Science: Shit has only been happening since October 23rd 4004 B.C. Discordianism: Shit makes the flowers grow and that's beautiful. Kibology: What's shit, and where can I get some? Spam: Spam happens. SubGenius: Shit has happened. For $20 "BoB" will sell you a way to MAKE MONEY FROM IT. Dianetics: "Why does shit happen?" (p. 157) Other Shit Yuppie Shit: It's my shit! All mine! Isn't it beautiful? An Employer: Shit happens, and rolls down hill. You may only shit during coffee breaks. An Employee: I've done my shit, so can I take the day off? This shit's not part of my contract. Environmentalism: Shit is biodegradable. Political Correctness: Heavily processed nutritionally-deprived biological output happens. Heisenbergism: Shit happened, we just don't know where or how much. Quantum Shittydynamics: Shit happens only in well-defined quantities. Famous Shit Einsteinism: God does not play shit with the universe. Shit is Relative. Reaction to Seeing your Mother-in-law: Relatives are Shit. Washington: I cannot tell a lie--shit happened. Lincoln: Four score and seven shits ago... Nixon: Shit didn't happen, and if it did I din't know anything about it. Reagan: Well, I do believe that shit happened. I was just taking a nap. Quayle: Whye doe peepl treate mee lik shitte? Clinton: I didn't inhale this shit. I tried this shit before and I didn't like it so.... Bush: Read my lips: no more shit! Wouldn't be prudent to shit at this juncture. This looks like foreign shit. Let Baker handle it. This looks like domestic shit. Let Baker handle it. This looks like campaign-related shit. Let Baker handle it. Baker: Why does Bush always dump all the shit on me? Saddam: The mother of all shit just happened to us, but at least I'm still in power. Perot: I'm sorry if I dropped you guys in this piece of shit. McCarthyism: Are you now, or have you ever been, shit? Martin Luther King: Black shit and white shit CAN coexist... I have a shit... Julius Caesar: I came, I saw, I shitted. (Veni, Vidi, Shitty) Kennedy: Ask not what your country's shit can do for you, but what your shit can do for your country. John Paul Jones: I have not yet begun to shit. James Tiberius Kirk: ... to boldly shit where no one has shit before! Shirley MacClaine: Haven't I seen this shit before... Neil Armstrong: One small shit for a man... One giant heap for mankind. Shakespeare: To shit or Not to shit, that is the question. Computer Shit Computer Science: There's a bug somewhere in this shitttttttttttttttttttttttttt UNIX: Shit dumped. VAX/VMS: No Privilege for attempted shit. Macintosh: (Enough said) IBM/DOS: It's shit, but it's compatible. Windows: The same shit as DOS, only GUIer... Cray: If this code weren't such a piece of shit, they wouldn't NEED a supercomputer... C: It's shit, but it's efficient. Fortran: It's shit, but I don't know any better. Cobol: It's shit, but it's job security. BASIC: It's shit. Shitisms Communism: It's everybody's shit. Marxism: The rich shit exploits the poor shit, but deep down all shit is alike. Dictatorship of the shit. Socialism: The same shit happens to everyone. Capitalism: Shit happens, and it'll cost you! If you're gonna sell that shit, at least make a profit. Americanism: Who gives a shit? Materialism: Whoever dies with the most shit wins. Cannibalism: Don't eat the shit. Vegetarianism: If it happens to shit, don't eat it. Hedonism: There's nothing quite like a good shit. Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit is. Shit happening is absurd. Realism: I think I need to take a shit. Denialism: What shit? Purism: If shit has to happen, let ONLY shit happen. Procrastinationism: I'll take care of this shit ... tomorrow. Avoidanceism: With all this happening, I think I'll go shit. Repressionism: I'll hold this shit in forever. Fatalism: Oh shit, it's going to happen! Surrealism: Fish. Nihilism: Let's blow this shit up! Fetishism: I love it when shit happens. Masochism: Do shit to ME. Sadism: I will shit on you! Dyslexia: Tihs happens. Philosophical Shit Thales: Earth, Air, Fire, and Shit Epicurus: If shit happens, enjoy it. Socrates: What is shit? Why is shit? Aristotle: The essence of shittyness... Archimedes: Hmmm... why doesn't this shit float? Give me a place to stand and I'll move any piece of shit. Descartes: I think, so why am I in this shit? I shit, therefore I am. Leibniz (as interpreted by Voltaire): The best of all possible shit in this world made for shit. Thoreau: I wanted to live deliberately ... to suck all the shit out of life. Sartre: Shit is meaningless! What is shit, anyway? Freudianism: Shit is a phallic symbol. Occupational Shit Mathematician: Shit happening is just a special case... Statistician: There is an 83.7% chance that shit will happen. Maybe. Physicist (Theoretical): Shit SHOULD happen. Physicist (Experimental): To within experimental error, shit DID happen. Engineer: I hope this shit holds together. Chemist: I hope this shit doesn't blow up. Gee, what'll happen if I mix this and ... SHIT!!!! Damn this shit smells... Biologist: Is this shit alive? Botanist: What this daisy needs is some fresh shit. Economist: I hope no one figures out that I don't really understand this shit. Beurocrat: I'm sorry, but we can't make this shit happen until you fill out form XJ-314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant Sub-Deputy Manager to obtain form ZN-271828... CEO: (1980's) I've got all the shit I want. (1990's) Oooh, SHIT! Lawyer: For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit. Doctor: Take two shits and call me in the morning. Yes, it's definitely a case of shit happening. $90, please... Acupuncturist: Hold still or it will hurt like shit. Let all that shit go. This will really get the energy shit moving. Surgeon: Shit, where's this organ supposed to go? Psychologist: Shit is in your mind. Everything that happens is shit; some of it is just repressing its subconscious shittiness. Programmer: It's shit, but at least it compiles. Social Scientist: Let's pretend that shit doesn't happen... Historian: The same shit happens again and again. Politician: It's shit, but it'll get me elected. If you elect me, shit will never again happen. Shit happening is bad for the economy. My Fellow Americans, All I stand for is shit. Waitress: You want fries with that shit? Teacher: Repeat after me: one shit + one shit =? Dean: Let's see how much shit the faculty'll take. Accountant: Why doesn't this shit add up? Linguist: What I'm doing is a bunch of feces tauri. (For non-Latin-speakers: feces tauri="the" excrement of a bull) Quality Control Inspector: This shit ain't good enough. IRS Auditor: I'll make 'em squirm for putting this shit on their tax forms. Farmer: I get subsidies for my shit. Union leader: Give us more shit or we'll strike. Mafia boss: Rub the little shits out. NYC Cab Driver: Damn, looks like I hit that shit... Mechanic: Shit...this will cost a lot, mister. Chef: It needs some more of this green shit. Musician: This shit is out of tune. Artist: If Jesse Helms likes it, it is shit. Shit, I wish I thought of that. Anything you can buy for $2.99 isn't art, it's shit. Poet: My childhood was shit, let me share. Ode to a Grecian Shit. My love is like a red, red shit. ... and miles to go before I shit, and miles to go before I shit... Developer: Shit happens on a daily basis, that's why we have maintainance programmers. Animal Happens Dog: All I do is eat, sleep and shit. I did not chew the shit out of your bedroom slippers. When I catch a car, it will shit! Oh shit, I caught it! Cat: Why do I have to shit in this smelly pan? Let me sleep, you pathetic shit. Dogs are shit. I do not do unelegant things like shit, I excrete. And never in the corner. It is the dog's. Fish: All I do is eat, swim and shit. Always the same dried shit for dinner? Snake: If I got out of this cage, you'd shit. Sanitation Engineer Shit Laws 0th: There is shit. 1st: You can't get rid of it. 2nd: It gets deeper. 3rd: A nice, empty trashcan is wishful thinking. KEEP SHOVELING!! |
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11-05-2005, 03:51 AM
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#21 |
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Ronnie Coleman RULES!
Elite Member
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Damn you people are crazy!!!!
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 ] If you always do what you've always done, you will always get what you always got. Quote:
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11-05-2005, 08:06 AM
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#22 | |
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I See©
Elite Member
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11-05-2005, 08:48 AM
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#23 |