Thread: Dumb Quotes

51. Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
- A. Whitney Brown

52. Everybody winds up kissing the wrong person good night.
- Andy Warhol

53. I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
- Amie Beth Dickinson, Miss Alabama 1994, answering the question "If you could live forever, would you and why?"

54. It's like learning to play golf. Just when you think you've cracked it, they move the goalposts.
- Adrian Love, Southern Counties Radio

55. We are now living in the age in which we live.
- Ann Burdis

56. Most of the living legends I've been researching go back over centuries.
- Andrew Jones

57. Why do you think marriage is a bum deal, for you as a gay person?
- Ann Leslie

58. So if you haven't set off for the center yet, the best thing to do is to turn back and go home.
- Anne Nightingale

59. You are a first generation American but your father wasn't.
- Alan Tentob

60. Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies.
- Adrienne Gusoff

61. The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
- Alan Kay

62. Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.
- Al Bundy

63. We all know the leopard can't change his stripes.
- Al Gore

64. During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet.
- Al Gore

65. Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
- Anonymous

66. Live every day as if it were your last and then some day you'll be right.
- Anonymous

67. What is life, except excuse for death, or death but an escape from life.
- Anonymous

68. Guide to understanding a net addict's day: Slow day: didn't have much to do, so spent three hours on Usenet. Busy day: managed to work in three hours of Usenet. Bad day: barely squeezed in three hours of Usenet.
- Anonymous

69. Wherever I have gone in this country, I have found Americans.
- Alf Landon, in a campaign speech while running against FDR

70. I've been planted here to be a vessel for acting, you know what I mean?
- Actor Leonardo DiCaprio

71. Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing- but none of them serious.
- Alan Minter

72. Did you write the words, or the lyrics?
- Bruce Forsyth

73. And he nipped them in the bud, right at the end.
- Bob Holness

74. And we journalists are taught to avoid clichés like the plague.
- Barry Norman

75. I wasn't always black . . . There was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.
- Bill Cosby

76. It wasn't hit terribly well.
- Bob Costas. after Knoblauch hit a ball in the ALCS playoffs

77. Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
- Brooke Shields

78. They've really got the bit between their legs now. . .
- Bobby Ham, Pulse Sport

79. Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly.
- Batman Costume warning label

80. Dial- up telephone modems are an abomination. They cram digital data packets through analog voice circuit switches- - the worst of both worlds. . . even telephone modems, dumb as they are, know what they are doing is wrong. Just listen to their hissing and screeching every time we force them to do it.
- Bob Metcalfe

81. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order.
- Brian Pickrell

82. Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.
- Bill Cosby

83. When you become senile, you won't know it.
- Bill Cosby

84. A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
- Bob Hope

85. When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.
- Bob Hope

86. We have only one person to blame, and that's each other.
- Barry Beck, New York Ranger, on who started a brawl

87. The doctors X- rayed my head and found nothing.
- Baseball great Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the hea

88. 640K ought to be enough for anybody.
- Bill Gates, 1981

89. I've been up and down so many times that I feel as if I'm in a revolving door.
- Cher

90. I'm a salty, greasy girl. I give every french fry a fair chance. Could you just lay some lard in my belly?
- Cameron Diaz

91. Once he'd gone past the point of no return, there was no going back.
- Commentator, BBC1

92. It's not so much a thankless task, it's more a job with no thanks.
- Colin Baker, ITV

93. Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself.
- Chicago Rotary Club journal

94. We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.
- Colonel Gerald Wellman

95. I do not know the American gentleman, god forgive me for putting two such words together.
- Charles Dickens

96. He does not preach what he practices till he has practiced what he preaches.
- Confucius

97. For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
- Cervantes

98. Don't cut off your nose yourself.
- Casey Stengel

99. Mr. Speaker, this bill is a phony with a capital F.
- US Congressman, during a heated congressional debate

100. There's Adam Clymer, major- league asshole from the New York Times. Cheney's response, "Oh yeah, he is, big time. "
- George W. Bush / Dick Cheney

101. According to a survey 1 in 100 men wear the same hair each week.
- GWR FM

102. US planes have the capability to penetrate deep into Soviet soil.
- General Rogers

103. If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
- George Gobol.

104. Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
- George Carlin

105. I have opinions of my own - strong opinions- but I don't always agree with them.
- George Bush

106. I have such poor vision I can date anybody.
- Garry Shandling

107. Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.
- George Bernard Shaw

108. For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex. . . uh. . . setbacks.
- George Bush

109. I hope I stand for anti- bigotry, anti- Semitism, anti- racism. This is what drives me.
- George Bush

110. Now, like, I'm the president. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come in to the White House and start offering it up, you know?. . . I bet if they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that. ' (Talking about drug abuse to a group of students)
- George Bush

111. This is Pearl Harbor Day. 47 years ago to this very day, we were hit and hit hard at Pearl Harbor. " - Bush addressing the American Legion in Louisville, Kentucky, on Sept 7, '88, 3 months off target .
- George Bush

112. A letter from the Iowa Department of Human Services said, "Your medical assistance is cancelled beginning 9/24/84 because of your death. "
- Government

113. You're a parasite for sore eyes.
- Gregory Ratoff, actor/director

114. [I want to] make sure everybody who has a job wants a job.
- George Bush, during his 1st campaign for the presidency

115. Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.
116. General William Westmoreland

117. I want to gain 1500 or 2000 yards, whichever comes first.
- George Rogers, New Orleans Saints running back

118. These American horses know the fences like the back of their hands.
- Harvey Smith

119. Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
- Heidi Sandige

120. Give Bill a second term, and Al Gore and I will be turned loose to do what we really want to do.
- Hillary Clinton, speaking at a Democratic fundraiser

121. I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
- Hillary Clinton, commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

122. Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.
- Harry Carpenter, commenting on a boat race

123. I think that a toilet roll with Father Christmas printed on it is really scraping the bottom.
- Interviewee on Woman's Hour

124. It was completely quiet in the stadium - but noisy,
- John Humphreys

125. What's nice about my dating life is that I don't have to leave my house. All I have to do is read the paper: I'm marrying Richard Gere, dating Daniel Day Lewis, parading around with John F. Kennedy, Jr., and even Robert De Niro was in there for a day.
- Julia Roberts

126. I might have been through some changes, but changing the way I look wasn't one of the major ones. To be honest. I'm sick of the whole subject of my hair. I mean, are you just sitting there looking at my hair, or are you looking at me?
- Jon Bon Jovi

127. I'm an old- fashioned guy. . . I want to be an old man with a beer belly sitting on a porch, looking at a lake or something.
- Johnny Depp

128. Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass.
- Jim Carrey

129. We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.
- Jeff Marder

130. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T- shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
- Jerry Seinfeld

131. Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?
- Jon Stewart

132. I must declare an interest in this, and say that I know absolutely nothing at all about guns.
- Jimmy Young

133. At the finish, it was all over.
- Jim Watt

134. A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.
- Jack Benny

135. For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
- Johnny Carson

136. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
- Joe Louis

137. He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
- J. Heller

138. Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
- Jeff Raskin

139. A dollar saved is a quarter earned.
- John Ciardi

140. When holding a press conference on Free Trade with U. S. president Bill Clinton, Canadian prime minister Jean Chretien was asked what he thought about all the drugs that were entering Canada from the U. S. He responded: "Well, it's more trade. " After a tense moment of silence and some muffled laughter Clinton leaned over and whispered something in Chretien's ear. Chretien immediately blurted "Oh drugs! I thought you said trucks!"
- Jean Chretien

141. When President Kennedy did a speech in Berlin, his ending line is "Ich bin ein Berliner. " To German speakers, what that really means is "I am a jelly donut!"
- John F. Kennedy

142. Upon his drafting into the Dallas Mavericks, Mr. Kidd was quoted as saying "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees". Let's think about that, shall we?
- Jason Kidd (Dallas Mavericks)

143. I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.
- John Wayne

144. My life is so full of surprises, nothing surprises me any more.
- Kim Wilde

145. I'd like to put on buckskins and a ponytail and go underwater with a reed, hiding from the Indians. To me, that's sexy!
- Kevin Costner

146. When Electrolux first marketed their vacuum cleaners in the U. S. , their slogan was, "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux!" Apparently, the Swedish- speaking people who created that slogan didn't know that in American slang, "suck" also means "to be bad".

147. A verbal contract is not worth the paper it's written on.
- Lee Iacocca

148. Some people have told me they don't think a fat penguin really embodies the grace of Linux, which just tells me they have never seen a angry penguin charging at them in excess of 100mph. They'd be a lot more careful about what they say if they had.
- Linus Torvalds

149. For best results: wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron. For not so good results: drag behind car through puddles, blow- dry on roof rack.
- Laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET (Korea)

150. I've always thought that under populated countries in Africa are vastly under polluted.
- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank

151. The first black president will be a politician who is black.
- L. Douglas Wilder, governor of Virginia

152. So Carol, you're a housewife and mother. And have you got any children?
- Michael Barrymore

153. It was here that V. S. Naipaul found his voice as a writer.
- Melvyn Bragg

154. Red squirrels. . . you don't see many of them since they became extinct.
- Michael Aspel, Radio 2

155. There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
- Robert Orben

156. Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.
- Metro Radio

157. When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
- Robin Williams

158. Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.
- Matt Lauer from NBC's Today Show.

159. If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate.
- Marion Barry, Ex Mayor Of Washington D. C.

160. What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?
- Marion Barry, Ex Washington D. C. Mayor

161. I was driving through Kent and literally went through bright blue sunshine.
- Mike Smith

162. It's all happening too fast. I've got to put the brakes on or I'll smack into something.
- Mel Gibson

163. What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?
- Marilyn Pittman

164. I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.
- Michael McShane

165. First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club and second, what can I say? I'm a night owl.
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

166. Bitch set me up.
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

167. I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less.
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

168. The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist.
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

169. I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

170. People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the president's. But you must ask yourself: are there more people who want to kill me than who want to kill the president? I can assure you there are.
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

171. The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice.
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

172. I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600's. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican.
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

173. What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

174. During an either late January or early February edition of Larry King Live, he had Monica Lewinski on as a guest. They were discussing her weight loss through the Jenny Craig program. While her intentions were quite innocent, the following quote was quite funny. "I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me.
- Monica Lewinski

175. I wonder if we can speak through rose- tinted spectacles.
- Nick Ross

176. It's only when you get to the outskirts of the city that the slippery conditions really get a grip.
- Norman Rickard

177. This is exactly how the World Wide Web works: the HTML files are the pithy description on the paper tape, and your Web browser is Ronald Reagan.
- Neal Stephenson

178. In politics stupidity is not a handicap.
- Napoleon Bonaparte

179. It's just gone 17 minutes past four. That's the time, by the way.
- Paul Jordan

180. This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing.
- Pat Glenn, Weightlifting Commentator

181. This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother.
- Pat Glenn, Weightlifting Commentator

182. This kind of thing has happened since Kingdom Come.
- Peter Lush

183. Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres!
- Padres radio announcer

184. You shouldn't stay here too long, or you'll turn slitty-eyed,
- Prince Philip Windsor talking to some British students in China

185. Things are more like they are now than they have ever been.
- President Gerald Ford

186. And what is more, I agree with everything I have just said.
- Piet Koornhoff, South African ambassador to the US

187. After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school department is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.
- Philip Streifer, superintendent of schools, Barrington Rhode Island

188. I know what I've told you I'm going to say, I'm going to say. And what else I say, well, I'll take some time to figure out, figure out all that.
- George Bush

189. There is today in the United States as much forest as there was when Washington was at Valley Forge.
- Ronald Reagan

190. A week is a long time in politics, and three weeks is twice as long.
- Rosie Barnes

191. If you put it on the table as a bargaining chip, it becomes a bargaining chip.
- Ronald Reagan

192. In Japan, I suppose, apples are small bananas compared to rice.
- Rhoda Sharp, Radio 5 Live

193. Jersey's Crime Prevention Team are out and about, so have you locked up your property?
- Roger Bara, Radio Jersey

194. One possible compromise is to permit gays, but restrict them to the rear echelon.
- Radio 4 News

195. The champion has retired after 8 undefeated victories.
- Richard Whitely

196. There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
- Robert Orben

197. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
- Rita Mae Brown

198. Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot- proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. " "I have all the answers, it's just that most of them aren't right.
- Rich Cook

199. When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
- Robin Williams

200. We spend weeks and hours every day preparing the Budget.
- Ronald Reagan

201. If we can just get young people to do the same as their fathers did, that is, wear condoms.
- Richard Branson

202. Listen, Jerusalem wasn't built in a day.
- Robert Maxwell

203. Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
- Rita Mae Brown

204. I have all the answers, it's just that most of them aren't right.
- Rich Cook

205. As Henry VIII said to each of his three wives, " I won't keep you long. "
- Ronald Reagan

206. I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes.
- Richard Nixon

207. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
- Redd Foxx

208. Man has made use of his intelligence, he invented stupidity.
- Remy De Gourmant

209. I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
- R. Geis

210. If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever to get a 'fix' of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude that Netnews is far more addictive than cocaine.
- Rob Stamofli

211. This is a great day for France!
- Richard Nixon, said while attending Charles De Gaulle's Funeral.

212. In a speech, when he was aiming to say "I have had great financial success" Ross Perot by mistake said "I have had great financial sex. "
- Ross Perot

213. Bruce Sutter has been around for awhile and he's pretty old. He's thirty- five years old. That will give you some idea of how old he is.
- Ron Fairley, Giants broadcaster

214. This is the operative statement. The others are inoperative.
- Ron Ziegler, press secretary to President Richard Nixon

215. He's trying to take the decision out of the hands of twelve honest men and give it to 435 congressmen!
- Representative Charles Vanik of Ohio

216. He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it- you can see it all over their faces.
- Ron Atkinson

217. We would not be here but for those people who gave their lives and very often gave their futures.
- Simon Bates

218. He is in hospital suffering from a nervous breakdown, but no doubt he will soon be better and running around like a maniac.
- Simon Bates

219. Apparently there is no truth in the fact that Sylvester Stallone's wife is a lesbian.
- Steve Wright

220. My second hit was a flop.
- Shakin' Stevens

221. I've got 10 pairs of training shoes - one for every day of the week.
- Sam Fox

222. In our industry John Blake is the kind of guy you either love or hate. I like him.
- Simon Bates

223. Not only was Sue having a nervous breakdown, but she was having a tough time mentally too.
- Simon Bates

224. And don't forget, on Sunday, you can hear the two minute silence on Radio 1.
- Steve Wright

Ron Atkinson, a football manager and TV pundit is the best for daft quotes: http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Palms/6687/ron.html