Thread: P-funk

Hi, my name is Patrick and I'm a masturbator.

Yeah, I know what you're saying, Big fucking deal, Pat, everyone masturbates. But I don't think you quite understand, I'm not your "normal" everyday masturbator. Sure, on a normal day, I'm good for at least two good yankings, another as soon as I wake up, and one right before going to bed. I'm not only a chronic masturbator, but recently I've become a binge masturbator as well. I'll give you an example.

Recently, I was sent home for two days from my job. It wasn't an official suspension, just a little thing that kinda had to happen. I told a black broad, the same broad who I dated for well over 6 months, that I'd make her my "black slave". (Yeah, I know, I should be happy some broad would spend time with because I'm a big motherfucker with a fat face, blah, blah fucking blah, suck a dick.) I meant the shit in a BDS&M way, but the eavesdropping bitch from the Human Resources department took my comment in a "Kunta Kinte" type of way. So, for two unexpected days off, I did absolutely nothing, because I did not want to spend any money in case I no longer had a job.

I got home on Friday after abruptly getting sent home and passed the fuck out on some over-the-counter shit called Melatonin. Damn good stuff. Anyway, I woke up Saturday without a goddamned thing to do. I could've gone out for a walk, or maybe caught a ball game, but I started reminiscing and looking at an old yearbook from high school. Ah yeah, the good ole days. I attempted this once in high school with a junior high yearbook, but I'd never attempted this feat with my high school yearbook. So I turned to my class and started going down alphabetically, with the goal to squeeze one off to every broad who I thought deserved some dead babies. For the record, my class had approximately 500 people, so I'd only be throwing the fine bitches into the fire.

Yeah, I'm fucked up, I know. I was bored and there was nothing to do, so this is what happens. I started at the letter A, and there was like 5 broads whose last name started with A. Cool, no problem, 30 minutes and I was ready to move on to B. But, Damn, I think, I've lost my stamina because my ass was done. I needed rest, and rest I got. I jumped online and attempted to do a little surfing, but all waves eventually end at that pornographic beach we all know and love. And that's exactly were I ended up without even trying, watching a little blonde bitch with brown roots lick the twat of a fine ass brunette who had two pistols tattooed on her hips. Classy, I know. It didn't take long before the blood started flowing again.

Just then, I got a bright idea, I'd replace the two classy bitches with a couple of broads from the yearbook whose last name began with B. Now the shit was getting kinda fun. I realized there was no way I'd be able to squeeze one off completely, to every single bitch. Don't know if it's old age or if it was the burning sensation that I was attempting to ignore. So, I decided to keep bringing in new broads to replace the ones doing nasty things at that particular time. The first video got me all the way through to the letter D.

After my little video fest brought to us by the letters B, C and D, I was ready for a nap. Thank goodness none of the broads' names ended with E, because I would have been sure to break skin. I eventually woke up to a knocking at my door. It was my neighbor looking all good and shit, apparently she needed some super glue to try and fix her shoe

"What have you been doing all day?" she asked. I replied,

"Ah, nothing, just whacking it !"

"Yeah, I bet!" she says.

She leaves and I have a dilemma. As good as she looked, do I choke one out to her, or do I move on to the letter F? Fuck it, I'll start with her and then move on to the F bitches. By this time, it's midafternoon and the only thing I've accomplished is unlocking the difficulty mode in Tiger Woods 2005, and I started to develop a slight case of carpal tunnel syndrome. I thought about my goal and figured there was no way it could be reached. So I came up with the brilliant idea of going thru the bitches faster, and maybe having two or three in the same thought, you know, like one licking my balls, one sucking my dick and the other licking the one of the others cooch. Surely, that would get me closer to the finish line.

So, it went G, H, luckily no I's, J, no K's. Oh fuck, where did the year book go? Sonofabitch, I lost my concentration. Fuck it, I started back off on L. Fuck y'all, that's not cheating. My game, my rules. By this time, I needed a cigarette, a shower and a change of clothes. A friend called right before I got in the shower, and asked what I was doing. I replied,

"I'm jerking off to every bitch in my graduating class by alphabetical order!" While this answer would come to a surprise to most people, my buddy responds with,

"What letter are you on?"

"L fucker, and I don't know if I'm gonna make it." So, right before he hangs up, he says,

"Probably not, because you're a pussy and a jackoff, jackoff."

Excellent. In a time a need, to give you that little extra push, that's what friends are for. After some time, a shower and a snack, I sat back down on my Lazyboy, wondering if this little act of stamina and endurance was worth it. I figured I'd gotten this far, no sense in quitting now. Fuck it. I was all in, no turning back now. I might not have a job come the following Monday, but at least I'd have my own little gold medal in the Jerkoff Olympics.

I don't watch much porn, at least not on the Tele. But, when times get tough, it's only a few steps away. Insert, click this, Play and Presto. Just like that, I'm watching No Cum Dodging Allowed 3, starring Juan Cuba and Roxy Jezel along with an All-Star cast. I was off and rolling after a couple minutes of dialogue, L, M, N, For crying out loud, just when I thought I'd be able to go straight to P, I see this fine Nubian princess with the last name of Oguylbina. Fuck. Neither my dick nor my fantasies are racist, so for good measure I threw her ass in. More than half way thru and no signs of blisters, the end of the alphabet was sure to be all down hill. I was into the home stretch when my dick looked up and said,

"What have I done to you?" I looked back down at him and said,

"Stop being a pussy, don't you realize what we're about to accomplish, me and you, the both of us, no one will ever be able to take this away from us."

By this time, my phone is turned off because it had become a distraction due to other friends calling and asking me if it was true about what I was doing. The letters P – T became an all-out orgy, because by this time I could hardly get erect but I'm no quitter, so I gave it my all. Six letters left, but I no longer had motivation. Not even CJ's Free Smut section would help me at this point. U – Z had about 12 broads in it, and by now I had had enough. In less than 30 minutes, a lady friend would be arriving to enjoy a Blockbuster evening. I had only a small amount of time to accomplish my feat of self indulgence.

I was out of the starting gates for the last race of the evening. U, V, W, no X's, For Christ' Sake, there was a goddamned Y in there. That fucking bitch. Yes, this was it, I had made it to Z and there was only one broad left. Just then, I heard a knock at the door. Good Heavens, it couldn't be, could it? Was it my friend who is a girl, coming over a little early to watch movies? Fuck it, if it was, she was going to have to wait. I hadn't come this far for this. Just a little more time, just a little more time, just a little more, AAAAHHHHH!

Yes, bitches, mission accomplished. I layed my head back for a second when I heard the knocking one more time. Oh shit, I jumped up and ran for the door.

"Hi baby, sorry I was in the back room."

"Whatever, you were probably doing something nasty, thinking of some skank."

Well, little did she know. I ended up falling asleep halfway thru the first movie. What fuckers, can you blame me?

Fuck this, I'm sticking to binge drinking.

P.S. After a meeting with a couple of the HR folks, it was determined that it was an unfortunate misunderstanding, that my suspension would be paid for, and I'd be able to keep my job. So, basically I got a full days pay to jerkoff. Good times, huh?

I want a full "Paid" vacation day, to just jerk off -