30 Chuck Norris facts

**gococksDJS** · 11-20-2005, 08:27 AM

Top Thirty Facts about Chuck Norris

taken from: http://www.4q.cc/chuck/index.php?topthirty

Fact# of VotesRatingFact# of VotesRating
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

Chuck Norris owns neither microwave nor oven. When he is hungry, he simply shouts "BAKE" to his food, and out of fear, the food instantly catches on fire

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies"

**FranktheTank** · 11-20-2005, 08:34 AM

funniest shit I have ever read in my life period.

**THEUNIT(XXL)** · 11-20-2005, 08:50 AM

**gococksDJS** · 11-20-2005, 08:58 AM

haha, i love the one about him suing NBC

**THEUNIT(XXL)** · 11-20-2005, 09:04 AM

This the best one, Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did., oh wait, a hell there all good!

**myCATpowerlifts** · 11-20-2005, 11:34 AM

Awesomely funny!

**MyK** · 11-20-2005, 04:22 PM

I received some of those in an email, heres the list some are the same some are different!

>>>Subject: Facts about Chuck Norris
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris
>>>instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly
>>>thereafter he grew a beard.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
>>>cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He
>>>also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and
>>>buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop
>>>the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets
>>>with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer
>>>amazement.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
>>>beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck
>>>Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck
>>>could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW
>>>DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out
>>>her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he
>>>bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later
>>>he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that
>>>anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
>>>Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise,"
>>>and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth
>>>from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This
>>>was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was
>>>divided.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
>>>smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7
>>>different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by
>>>flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks
>>>and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the
>>>transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in
>>>the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony,
>>>couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They
>>>now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the
>>>gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other
>>>Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their
>>>combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly
>>>after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by
>>>yelling, "Bang!"
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck
>>>said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He
>>>came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and
>>>when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and
>>>came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done
>>>it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never
>>>question Chuck Norris."
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
>>>saying "booya".
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is
>>>injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer.
>>>This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an
>>>attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to
>>>roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs
>>>and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take
>>>yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I
>>>already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I.
>>>His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they
>>>are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse
>>>kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets
>>>ill.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows
>>>clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make
>>>it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just
>>>so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact
>>>that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact
>>>tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to
>>>put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is
>>>"his" way.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic
>>>bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck
>>>Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see
>>>Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
>>>trademarked names for his left and right legs.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people
>>>just to prove he isn't a racist.
>>>
>>>If you thought any of these were funny, here's links where you can
>>>see 'facts' about vin diesel and mr. t as well
>>>
>>>http://www.4q.cc/vin/index.php?topthirty
>>>
>>>http://www.4q.cc/t/index.php?topthirty
>>>

**MyK** · 11-20-2005, 04:25 PM

http://www.4q.cc/

**Mudge** · 11-20-2005, 08:10 PM

Why didn't someone come up with this 20 years ago.

**maniclion** · 11-20-2005, 10:33 PM

They need one about Arnold.

**MyK** · 11-20-2005, 10:39 PM

Originally Posted by Mudge

Why didn't someone come up with this 20 years ago.

I dont think chuck was famous 20 yrs ago

**Mudge** · 11-20-2005, 11:01 PM

Sure he was.

# Firewalker (1986)
# The Delta Force (1986)
# Code of Silence (1985)
# Invasion U.S.A. (1985)
# Missing in Action 2 - The Beginning (1985)
# Missing in Action (1984)
# Lone Wolf McQuade (1983)
# Forced Vengeance (1982)
# Silent Rage (1982)
# Slaughter in San Francisco (1981)
# An Eye for an Eye (1981)
# The Octagon (1980)
# Good Guys Wear Black (1979)
# A Force of One (1979)
# Karate Cop (1973)
# Return of the Dragon (1973)
# The Wrecking Crew (1969)
# The Cutter

**MyK** · 11-20-2005, 11:21 PM

oh!

**HANK-VISSER** · 11-21-2005, 01:09 AM

Originally Posted by maniclion

They need one about Arnold.

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