kenwood

Who said there aren't perfectly good uses for used condoms? I can give you at least 50 that are sure to be great examples...
Bicycle handle grips.

French tickler animals.

Shower caps for people with tiny heads.

Put one on a light bulb for mood lighting.

Fill one with helium and tie a note to it.

Get 1000 and make a submarine.

Put one over the showerhead to surprise Dad.

Put 'em on your cat's feet to keep it from climbing the curtains.

Blow a bunch up and tie them to the cars outside a wedding.

Put one on your nose and be Bobo the clown.

Water wings for those non-swimmers.

Use 500 of them to spell out "We Want Women!!" on your house.

Jello molds.

Finger puppets.

A wind sock.

Use as a bobber when fishing.

Put them on soda cans to keep the fizz in when you're not drinking it.

Practical joke: Put one on an exhaust pipe.

Suspenders.

Recycle as a Burger King ketchup baggie. (or would mayonnaise be better?)

Small animal muzzle.

Put them on your fingers & play proctologist.

Put them on your toes to make swim fins.

Draw eyeballs on them and make funny glasses.

Automatic door closing devices.

Have 'water' balloon fights.

Glue a bunch together and use to replace silicon breast implants.

Freeze them for an all- natural Popsicle.

Glue several together and sell as a "Stretch Man" toy.

Use for a Xmas stocking for those times when coal doesn't tell 'em just
how bad they screwed up this year.

Ear/nose plugs.

Use 365 of them to make into a tire, and call it a "Good Year".

Replace those old "Dr. Scholls" shoe cushions.

Feed them to your pet iguana, Clyde.

Paint scales on them & put them in a fish tank.

"I challenge you to a duel!"

Drain plugs.

Put them in with your tax return.

Go see "Saturday Night Fever" and throw them at the screen.

Punching bags.

Hang them on the blades of a ceiling fan.

Send 50 of them to your ex-girlfriend.

Novelty key rings.

Hang them all around your windshield and be a Chicano.

Spell "Happy Birthday" on a cake.

Break out your paints and make wax fruit.

Put them on your nipples and try to swing them in opposite directions.

Make a "water" bed.

Put your money in one. Nobody will steal it!

Stick one on the bridge of your nose and run around saying "Gobble Gobble".

kenwood

100 ways to order a pizza the fun way...

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. Use CB lingo where applicable.

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

8. Answer their questions with questions.

9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition, ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT SYSTEM.

11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.

13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

15. Stutter on the letter "p."

16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)

17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If asked "Would you like drinks with that?", panic and become disoriented.

21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

23. Change your accent every three seconds.

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"

26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."

27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

28. Rent a pizza.

29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"

34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

36. Imitate the order taker's voice.

37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

39. Play a sitar in the background.

40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

42. Ask to see a menu.

43. Quote Carl Sandberg.

44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"

50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"

51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.

52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.

56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.

57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.

58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."

59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

62. Try to talk while drinking something.

63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"

64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

66. Be vague in your order.

67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

79. Put them on hold.

80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."

82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

84. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

85. Haggle.

86. Order a one-inch pizza.

87. Order term life insurance.

88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.

92. Engage in some serious swapping.

93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."

94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

97. Order a steamed pizza.

98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.

99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, 100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

kenwood

Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.

Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.

Tell an employee in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".

Play with the automatic doors.

Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along.

Walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this junk, anyway?"

Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.

Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."

Follow people through the aisles, staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

Play soccer with a group of friend, using the entire store as your playing field.

As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"

Put M&M's on layaway.

Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows.

Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

Toilet paper as much of the store as possible.

Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.

When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"

Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

Take bets on the battle described above.

Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

Hold indoor shopping cart races.

Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission: Impossible."

Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"

Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

Two words: "Marco Polo."

Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.

"Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

During announcements over the PA, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax.

If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

kenwood

Hal Jalikakick (How'd ya like a kick)
Hammond Eggs (Ham and Eggs)
Hank E. Panky (Hanky Panky)
Harmon Ikka (Harmonica)
Harris Mint (Harassment)
Harrison Fire (Hair is on Fire)
Harry Balzac (Hairy Ball Sack)
Harry Weiner (Hairy Wiener)
Hayden Seek (Hide & Seek)
Haywood Jablowme (Hey, Would You Blow Me?)
Haywood Jashootmee (Hey Would You Shoot Me?)
Hein Noon (High Noon)
Helen Back (Hell and Back)
Helena Hanbaskett (Hell In A Hand Basket)
Henador Titzhoff (He Gnawed Her Tits Off)
Herbie Hind (Her Behind)
Herb E. Side (Herbiside)
Herbie Voor (Herbivore)
Holden Mcgroin (Holding My Groin)
Holly Dayin (Holiday Inn)
Holly Wood (Hollywood)
Homan Provement (Home Improvent)
Homer Sexual (Homosexual)
Howard I. No (How Would I Know?)
Howe D. Pardner (Howdy Partner)
Hu Flung Pu (Who Flung Poo?)
Huang Annsaw (Wrong Answer)
Hugh Beeotch (You Bitch)
Hugh deMann (You Da Man!)
Hugh G. Rection (Huge Erection)
Hugh Jass (Huge Ass)
Hugh Mungous (Humungous)
Hugo First (You Go First)
Hy Gene (Hygiene)
Ida Whana (I Don't Want to)
Igor Beaver (Eager Beaver)
Ilene Dover (I Leaned Over)
Ima B. Leever (I'm A Believer)
I.P. Freehly (I Pee Freely)
Ira Fuse (I Refuse)
I. Ron Stomach (Iron Stomach)
Ivana Humpalot (I Want to Hump A Lot)
Ivan Itchinanus (I Hate an Itching Anus)
Ivana Kutchukokoff (I Wanna Cut Your Cock Off)
Ivana Tinkle ( I Want to Tinkle)
Izzy Backyet (Is He Back Yet?)
Izzy Cumming (Is He Cumming)
Jack Dupp (Jacked Up)
Jack Koff (Jack Off)
Jack Pot (Jackpot!)
Jacques Strap (Jock Strap)
Jan U. Wharry (January)
Jane Linkfence (Chainlink Fence)
Jaqueline Hyde (Jekyll and Hyde)
Jawana Die (Do Ya Wanna Die?)
Jay Walker (Uhhh...Jay Walker)
Jeanette Akenja-Nearing (Genetic Engineering)
Jed I. Knight (Jedi Knight)
Jeff Healitt (Did Ya Feel It?)
Jenny Tull (Genital)
Jerry Atrics (Geriatrics)
Jim Nasium (Gymnasium)
Joanna Hand (D'ya Want a Hand?)
Joe Czarfunee (Jokes Are Funny)
Joe King (Joking)
Jose Frayed (Who's Afraid)
Juan De Hattatime(One Day at a Time)
Juan Fortharoad (One For the Road)
Juan Nightstand (One Night Stant)
Juana Bea (Wanna-Be)
Justin Case (Just in Case)
Justin Credible (Just Incredible)
Kareem O'Weet (Cream of Wheat)
Kaye Ken Cofe (Cake and Coffee)
Kay Neine (Canine)
Kay O'Pectate (Kaopectate)
Ken Oppenner (Can Opener)
Kenitra Bush (Can I Eat Your Bush)
Kenny Dewitt (Can He Do It?)
Kenny Fakur (Can he Fuck her)
Kent Cook (Can't Cook)
Kim Payne Slogan (Campaign Slogan)
Kimmy Head (Give Me Head)
Lance Lyde (Landslide)
Laura Lynn Hardy (Laurel and Hardy)
Lee Keyrear (Leaky Rear)
Lee Nover (Lean Over)
Len DeHande (Lend a Hand)
Leo Tarred (Leotard)
Lily Livard (Lily Livered)
Lisa Neucar (Lease a New Car)
Liz Onnia (Lasagna)
Lou Briccant (Lubricant)
Lon Moore (Lawn Mower)
Luke Adam Go (Look at Him Go)
Lou Sirr (Loser)
Lou Stooth (Loose Tooth)
Louise E. Anna (Louisiana)
Lowden Clear (Loud and Clear)
Luke Atmyass (Look At My Ass)
Luna Tick (Lunatic)
Lyle Ike Adogg (Lie Like a Dog)
Lynn Guini (Linguini)
Lynn Meabuck (Lend Me a Buck)
Mabel Syrup (Maple Syrup)
Madame Crotch (My Damn Crotch)
Madka Owdiseez (Mad Cow Disease)
Manuel Labor (Manual labor)
Marcus Absent (Mark Us Absent)
Marge Innastraightline (March in a Straight Line)
Marion Money (Marrying Money)
Mark Mywords (Mark My Words)
Mark Z. Spot (Mark The Spot)
Marsha Dimes (March of Dimes)
Martha Fokker (Motherfucker)
Mary Christmas (Merry Christmas)
Mary Gold (Marigold)
Mary Juana (Marijuana)
Mary Ott (Marriot)
Mary Thonn (Marathon)
Master Bates (Masturbates)
May I. Tutchem (May I Touch Them?)
May O'Nays (Mayonaise)
Max E. Mumm (Maximum)
Max E. Pad (Maxi Pad)
Megan Bacon (Makin' Bacon)
Mel Keetehts (Milky Tits)
Melissa Tothis (Ma, Listen to This)
Mel Practiss (Malpractice)
Michael Toris (My Clitoris)
Michelle Lynn (Michelin)
Midas Well (Might As Well...)
Mike Hunt (My Cunt)
Mike Ockhurts (My Cock Hurts)
Mike Ocksmall (My Cock's Small)
Mike Rohsopht (Microsoft)
Mike Rotchburns (My Crotch Burns)
Milly Meter (Millimeter)
Minnie Skurt (Miniskirt)
Miss Alanius (Miscellaneous)
Misty Meanor (Misdemeanor)
Mitch Again (Michigan)
Miya Buttreaks (My Butt Reaks)
Moe DeLawn (Moe the Lawn)
Moe Lester (Molester)
Moe Skeeto (Mosquito)
Moe Telsiks (Motel Six)
Mary Ott (Marriot)
Mort Tallity (Mortality)
Myra Maines (My Remains)
Mysha Long (My Shlong)
Nadia Seymour (Now do you see more?)
Nida Lyte (Need a Light)
Neil B. Formy (Kneel Before Me)
Neve Adda (Nevada)
Nick L. Andime (Nickel and Dime)
Nick O'Teen (Nicotine)
Nick Ovtime (Nick Of Time)

kenwood

Some fun things to do the next time you're on one of those long international flights to kill time...
Pinch the stewardess' butt as she passes.

When two people kiss in the in flight movie, belch real loud.

When there's any nudity, hoot really loudly for a few minutes.

Fart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who did it.

Fiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if he has a crowbar.

Hijack the cockpit and, over the loudspeaker, announce that the first class passengers and luggage are to switch places.

Run down the aisle screaming, "He's got a bomb! He's got a bomb!".

Go into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then come out looking refreshed.

"Accidental" soda spill on the dork next to you.

Give someone a coin, saying "Heads, I detonate the bomb. Tails, I don't".

Go into the bathroom, drop your pants, then come out, yelling "We're out of toilet paper! Stewardess!".

Describe your sex life in great detail to the five-year-old next to you.

Lead a bible study session in the back of the plane.

Start a hot dog stand.

Steal businessman's laptop, play solitaire on it.

Remark that perhaps you shouldn't have put super glue in your underpants that morning.

Pick your nose and pat the person next to you.

Show off your Batman underwear.

Switch accents and see if anyone notices.

Sneak into the cockpit and hit the warning alarm.

Scratch your butt, then sniff your finger.

Go into the cockpit, flick on the intercom light, then loudly inquire as to why the fuel dial says "e".

Go into the cockpit, ask the pilot in an obnoxious voice "Why do they call it the COCKpit?" then snort as if it's the funniest thing in the world.

Don't use deodorant, then "accidentally" stick your armpit in someone's face.

Sneeze, using somebody's sleeve instead of your hand to cover it.

Snort when you laugh.

Tell corny jokes and laugh like it's absolutely hilarious, then expect others to do the same.

Ride carry-on luggage down the aisle, yelling "Yeee-ha!".

With a desperate look, ask the stewardess where the bathroom is, then look relieved and say "Never mind. Do you have any towels?".

Jump up and scream "AAAHHH!! I left the stove on!!".

Ask someone for their autograph, pretending that you think they're Kevin Costner or Goldie Hawn (This best then the person looks nothing like the movie star in question)

If someone has a bad toupee, whack it off.

Pretend you're flying the airplane.

Get some rub-on tattoos and a leather jacket, pretend that you belong to a biker gang.

Take over the plane with a toy gun.

Yell to someone "Is it time to hijack the plane yet?" (Note: Do this when there are stewardess nearby).

To the person next to you, say "It's amazing that they didn't notice the grenade in my luggage.

kenwood

Things to do in the bathroom stall...

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"

6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters.

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

13. Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"
20. When you're in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out."

kenwood

Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut UP!"

Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

Sell Girl Scout cookies.

On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

Shave.

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

When at your floor, strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"

Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

One word: Flatulence!

Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"

Meow occasionally.

Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

Frown and mutter "Gotta go...Gotta go..." then sigh and say "Oops!"

Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.

Stare at a passenger and announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

Burp, and then say "Mmmm... tasty!"

Leave a box between the doors.

Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

Start a sing-along.

When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "Is that your beeper?"

Play the harmonica.

Shadow box.

Say "Ding!" at each floor.

Lean against the button panel.

Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and inform the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

Bring a chair along.

Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"

Blow spit bubbles.

Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."

If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!

kenwood

The big list of fun stuff to do in that boring ol' courtroom of law...
1. Bring a cell phone and order a pizza when the judge starts talking.

2. Bring a zip-lock bag full of grapes and launch a few at the defendant when the judge isn't looking.

3. Giggle uncontrollably when they show the evidence, if any blood is present.

4. If they ever bring up the possibility of an accomplice, duck your head and quiver.

5. Stand up and yell "OBJECTION!" to everything the judge says. EVERYTHING.

6. If you're the defendant, wait until the judge starts talking about you. Proceed to hide under your table.

7. If anybody attempts to communicate with you in any way, stare off into space and blow spit bubbles.

8. Sing "The Song That Never Ends" incessantly.

9. Get the judge to look at you. Lick your lips and motion that you'll "call him"

10. Actually call him

11. Bring a kazoo.

12. Act like you're doing something important, and ask them to "keep it down"

13. Every time the judge uses the gavel, keel over backwards and act like you've been shot.

14. Bring a Gameboy and leave the volume at full.

15. Wait until everybody is completely focused on the trial, then blow a referee's whistle as loud as you can. Point to the person next to you and tell him to "stop it!"

16. Pretend you turn into a pig when you get wet. Douse yourself in cold water and act like one.

17. Call the judge a wuss when he issues the death penalty. When he accuses you of contempt of the court, look puzzled and ask him what it means. When he answers, object.

18. Dress up like Santa Claus

19. Drink all of your lawyer's water, then ask for more. Then ask to go to the bathroom.

20. Hiccup every time somebody says the word "the"

21. Change your plea every five minutes

22. If you're the judge, call the defendant the plaintiff, the plaintiff a lawyer, the witness a juror, and the jurors defendants. Call the lawyers "Barney"

23. Gurgle into the microphone.

24. Complain aloud about that nasty wedgie you have, then take a poll of others in the audience if they too have a nasty wedgie.

25. If in traffic court, when asked to stand, walk over to the judge and issue him a parking ticket on his desk.

26. When asked to produce evidence, pick your nose, smear the snot on the table, point to it and say, "From this it is obvious, I am not guilty!"

27. Wear those X-Ray vision glasses from Halloween, when someone walks past, stare them up and down then shake head in dismay.

28. Popcorn and a large coke, if anyone asks about it, show them your ticket and say "I'm a paying customer!".

29. Fart, pause momentarily, and comment under your breath, "I've done better..."

30. Fart again later on, take a deep breath and state enthusiastically "Now that's more like it!".

31. Bring a Lego replica of the courtroom, including Lego people, and imitate everything happening, including voices!

32. When pronounced guilty, reply "How about we try that again, this time Rock, Scissors, Paper - best of three!"

33. Bring toaster and wave a box of "Tropical Sprinkles Pop Tarts" around while asking "Where's a damn plug around here

kenwood

There are ways to make just about any situation fun, even going to your dorm shower...


1. Enter the stall. Shower for about 3 minutes, then scream really loudly, exclaiming, "I didn't know I had one of THOSE!"
2. Enter the stall, fully clothed. Do not undress and make sure your clothes get all wet and soapy. Complain when leaving the bathroom that your shirt tends to bleed.

3. Ask Scottie to beam you up.

4. Enter the stall, undress and then re-dress up as Superman. Leap out of the stall, vengefully vow to stop Lex Luther's evil plot, then run full force into the wall. Stand up, shake your head, and proceed to take your shower.

5. Bring a bottle of fake blood or ketchup into the shower with you. Exclaim "Ow! You know, it really hurts when you pop one of those." Then let the blood/ketchup seep down the drain for all to see.

6. Bring in a rubber chicken. Get it all soapy, then toss in into the next stall. Demand that the person in that stall return it to you, or you will cast a voodoo curse on them. The next day, hang the chicken from the bathroom lighting fixtures by a noose and stick numerous pins and forks in it.

7. Have a seizure. Bang against the walls of the stall really hard. Try to knock them down. If anyone later asks if you are okay, just say that you had some Mexican Jumping Fava Beans and they were reacting negatively with your stomach.

8. Stand in the bathroom, waiting for would-be shower-goers. When they come in, tell them "not to do it" and ask them "not to give in to sin." Wail mournfully when they step into the shower.

9. Initiate a war with the person in the stall next to you. Use the residual water on the floor as your battle medium, and float little battleships over to their side. If they kick them back or throw them over the edge, exclaim that you didn't know they had the power of God and sheepishly mumble prayers for the duration of your shower.

10. Bring in a fake finger. Float it down the drainage "ditch." Ask if someone would be so kind as to return it to you. If no one does, tell them that the finger has been sacrificed to Satan and that the shower stalls are now possessed. Hang Halloween decorations and crepe-paper ghosts from them the next day.

11. Bang your head against the stall wall, shouting "Redrum! Redrum!" in your best groggy voice.

12. Bring a Yoo-Hoo chocolate milk drink to the shower with you. Complain about a stomach ache, then moan "Ohhhh, um, uh-oh," and squirt the Yoo-Hoo down the drain "ditch" for all to see.

13. Before you turn the shower on, make a noise like you are charging up a proton pack from Ghostbusters. Before you turn it off, ask Egon to set the trap up for you.

14. Bring a balloon into the shower. Make the balloon squeak for the duration of your bathing experience. Then pop it, and fall to the ground as if shot.

15. Bring dead fish into the shower with you. Let them float down the drainage "ditch", complaining angrily about the quality of water these days.

16. Hang up the names of different farm animals in the stalls. Have everyone entering the stalls join you in a rendition of "Old McDonald Had A Farm," making the sound of the animal in their stall.

17. Turn the stall into a shrine for a pagan god. Call him Weeshy. Insist that anyone who uses that stall must tithe to receive his benevolence and glory. If they don't tithe, avoid them for the rest of your life.

18. Take your shower like normal, and then begin screaming that the Communists are taking over. Make battle sounds -- including bombs, bazookas, and tanks. Towards the end, wearily declare victory. Leave wounded.

19. Blow bubbles. Exclaim that you are dissolving.

20. Bring in a bucket, fill it with water, and float a bar of soap in it. Charge a fee for people to see the Wicked Witch of the West bathing nude. Threaten anyone who laughs at you with flying monkeys.

21. Start singing Pavarotti really loud. In the middle, stop, stutter for a second, and then exclaim "Ohmigosh...do you know what these words REALLY mean?"

22. Suck on the faucet head until you fill up with water. Complain that the Seven Chinese Brothers get no respect, OR pretend to be a fountain.

23. Wet your head, and then sneak into a toilet stall. Flush the bowl and wait a minute. Walk out of the stall lurching, complaining about how dizzy you are.

24. Buy a bunch of those tiny animal-pills that expand into full, spongy shapes when they get wet. Bring them into the shower and spill them into the ditch. Ask somebody for your pills back, and when they hand you little animals, scream, slap them, and run away.

25. Make your best Psycho noise (reeEENT reeEENT...).

26. Try to get everyone in the other stalls to sing in four-part harmony with you. If this actually works, change your voice part every three measures.

27. Become a shower-pirate. Loot other stalls of soap, Oxy pads, and Q-Tips. Bury them under the tile floor. Fire cannons at people using toilet balls.

28. Bring scuba gear into the shower with you. Talk to Cousteau. Upon leaving, tell everyone that the Titanic was actually torpedoed by the Germans. Be cocky.

29. Hum for a couple of moments, stop, make an "Mmmm!" sound, and then announce to everyone that the mildew on the shower walls kind of tastes like head cheese.

30. Coat the floor in a fine layer of quick-drying cement.

31. Hang "Marisa Cevasco steals Homecoming Queen Crown" signs in all the stalls. If anyone asks who Marisa Cevasco is, call them ignorant and ignore them for the rest of your life.

32. Bring in Sesame Street bath books. Read them aloud. Giggle every time Bert walks in on Ernie bathing.

33. Stare at people's feet as they bathe. If they do not wash their feet, tell them to. If this happens a second time, steal their shoes and tell them that they left on strike. If they DO wash their feet and fall down while doing it, laugh hysterically.

34. Stand outside the shower curtain, raise a harpoon, and shout "I'm coming for you, Moby!" Run in and do battle with the faucet-head. Walk out a peg leg.

35. Charge a toll for people wanting to use the shower. If they complain, light them on fire. THEN they'll pay.

kenwood

Haven't you ever had the urge to loose control when ordering that burrito or burger and drink combo?

1. Ask for last months specials.

2. Place your order in three different languages if you don't know any, make them up.

3. When they repeat your order totally change it. Repeat as desired.

4. Order a whopper from McDonalds, when they say they don't have whoppers insist that they do. If they still argue demand to see a manager then when you talk to them order a normal meal and say i don't know what's up with kids these days.

5. Go to any burger joint and order Chinese.

6. When ordering in the drive through, ask if its happy hour on draft beer.

7. In summer turn stereo up full volume to Christmas music while ordering in drive through.

8. Drive in the drive through, park, then go inside and order.

9. Go through the drive through in reverse, again.

10. Wait for the busiest time of day, after paying get out of car, get jack out of trunk and proceed to rotate tires.

11. Check oil in drive through, possibly touch up the windscreen with some glass cleaner.

12. Walk up to drive through window with hands in the air like your holding onto a steering wheel.

13. Go through drive through and ask for directions to the place you're at.

14. Go through drive through naked, excluding the rabbit slippers of course!

15. Go inside and ask in a load voice if they got rid of the Ebola problems they've been having

16. Argue with your passenger (that's not there) and continue until you pay.

17. When they ask if that will be all tell them to hold on, your dog won't make up his mind.

18. After eating half your meal return it and say you got the wrong thing and ask for a refund.

19. As you're pulling away and they say "Have a nice day!" (with that retarded smile) put the car in reverse and ask them what the hell that's supposed to mean.

20. Order something from one fast food place then go to another drive through when they give you your food take one bite and say "No thank you
this tastes better (pointing to bag from other place), may i have my money back."

21. Play name that tune with person taking the order.

22. Pretend your deaf and order in sign language.
23. Go through Taco Bell order the 7 layer burrito. When they repeat your order ask if each layer of the burrito is sold separately.

24. When they ask how you are today proceed by telling them about your diarrhea problems, most likely due to the burger you bought from them yesterday and the day before that.

25. Go through a drive through after they tell you to pull to the window drive past it and go inside to get your order

kenwood

Ways to be truly offensive at a funeral...
Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you.

Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.

Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.

Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover.

Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.

At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.

Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.

Ask the widow to give you a kiss.

Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.

Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.

Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.

Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.

Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.

Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.

Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood.

Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.

Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.

Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.

Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts.

Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tatooing on.

Put Crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.

Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.

If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.

When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth.

Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.

At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.

Get someone to call you on your cell phone during ceremony and pretend your talking to the deceased person.

Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.

Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.

Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for back-taxes.

Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face while praising the deceased.

Write "Best before last week" on the top of the coffin when nobody is looking.

Accidentally sneeze on the deceased, and literally wipe the smile off his face.

If its a woman, spread her legs and write "Dying for a Shag" on the side of the coffin.

kenwood

A library is a somewhat easy place to annoy the people sitting around you, but for those of you with less then stellar creativity, we have made a list of things you can do...
1. Read out loud. Very loud. And slowly.

2. While pointing to a very simple word, like 'the', ask the person next to you if he/she can pronounce it for you.

3. While looking at your book, turn so you’re facing the person. Then, peer over the top of your book, and say "PEEKABOO!!"

4. Put down you book, and look over and start reading the other persons book, and, either 1) say "Ooo. Nice book." or 2) when he/she looks at you, quickly pick up your book and act like your reading it.

5. Suddenly look over at him/her, and say, "You’re one of THEM!"

6. Put down you book, and look at him/her. When they says something like "what?", cut them off by saying "Are you accusing me of something?"

7. Read your book. Upside down.

8. Read your book from right to left. And flip the pages the same way.

9. Flip the page every two or so seconds.

10. Pick up your book, put it down, and say, "Wow. That was a good book."

11. Read silently, and then as if speaking to the character in your book, say, "No, Jim! It's a trap! Don't do it!!" Then turn to the person and reply solemnly, "He did it." when he/she looks at you.

12. Turn to the person and ask, "Have you ever experienced déj?vu and amnesia at the same time?"

13. Start arguing with yourself, then when he/she looks at you funny, say "Ohh, I'm sorry. I was just telling my subconscious to be quiet."

14. Sit down, and then say to the person next to you, "Hi! My name's (? and I'm really glad to meet you."

15. Ask him/her if he/she knew there are eddies in the space/time continuum.

16. Ask him/her what species he/she is.

17. Every so often, yelp in pain, and look at your feet.

18. Bring a bag or purse, and peer into it and say, "Got enough air in their?" or, "Settle down in there. I'm trying to read!"

19. Ask them what their name is, and then when they start to reply, cut them off by saying, "No it isn't!"

20. Break the silence by making a bodily function noise, then say, "Wow! That was a good one!"

21. Every time the person next to you turns the page, make a strange sound, or a beep.

22. Announce the page number each time you turn a page.

23. Constantly shift in your seat, and if the person next to you asked what is wrong, reply by saying, "I'm constipated. Hehe."

24. Spell every single word as you read it.

25. Chew gum with your mouth open, and smack your lips while reading.

26. Act like you’re picking your nose. And eating it.

27. Snort loudly, and gargle with your spit.

28. Sneeze a lot.

29. Hold your book right next to your eyes.

30. Every few minutes, get up out of your chair, walk around the table, and sit back down.

31. Stand up, and continue reading.

32. Make a strange sound every few minutes, then act like you didn't do it.

33. Bring a bag of cat food, and start snacking on it.

34. Bring a box of crunchy cereal, a bowl, and a spoon. Then dig in messily, and crunch on it.

35. Ask them, got milk??

36. Read out loud attempting to pronounce easy words. Butcher them badly. But be able to pronounce hard words.

37. Fall out of your seat, then say, meant to do that.?Then do it again. And again.

38. Bring a laptop, and turn up the sound, and play a very noisy game.

39. Wear too many sweaters, and complain how hot it is.

40. Bring one of those fans with a squirt bottle attached, and make it look like you’re attempting to squirt yourself, but hit them instead.

41. Bring a bottle of squirtable mouth freshener, and miss every time you try to spray it into your mouth.

42. Wear A LOT of putrid smelling cologne or perfume.

43. Spill that same cologne or perfume on their book.

44. Put down your book, then say, ya wanna trade?

45. Bring a recording of very obnoxious music, and hide it in a bag. Turn it up full blast, and accuse them of having it. Keep accusing them, then get the librarian to come. When they find it in your bag, yell, “IT WAS PLANTED ON ME I TELL YOU!!!!! IT’S NOT MY FAULT!! IT’S A GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY!! ALIENS BEAMED IT INTO MY BAG!!! IT’S BECAUSE I DIDN'T’T LET THEM DO EXPERIMENTS ON ME!!

46. Without looking away from your book, say to no one in particular, “I know what you did last summer.

47. Bring a piece of bread, and drop pieces of it down the little hole in the center of the table meant for cords.

48. While reading your book, start humming a single note until you’re out of breath, then collapse on the floor. Then get back up, and continue reading like nothing happened.

49. Start singing his is the song that never ends.

50. While placing small pieces of bread in a line, count one, two, three. . ., and lose count every ten or so.

51. Bring a recording of a popular song. Play it on headphones quietly, but sing along very badly. Then say to the person next to you, “I took singing lessons!

52. Turn to the person sitting next to you and say to them, Hey! How ya doin? That’s great, me too.

53. Instead of a laptop, bring your entire computer!

54. While working at a laptop, suddenly stand up, and announce to every one, “I have mail!!

55. Start staring at the person, and when you have their attention, announce, “I measure sock by thickness!

56. Turn to the person next to you, and ask them to pronounce their name backwards. When they ask you why, tell them that you are looking for hidden messages.

57. State proudly that you have been to the there side. Give no explanation.

58. Suddenly grasp your heart, let out a wail, and fall to the ground. Then get back up like nothing happened.

59. Collapse on the floor. Then get up like nothing happened. When the person next to asked what is wrong, look at him/her with an inquiring look on your face, and say, “What do you mean?

60. Say, “It always starts so weird, and they do it so weird.? When they ask, “Wwhat??say, “Oohh, sorry. I’m back now.

61. Start telling a VERY strange story, then half way through say, “Never mind.?/font>

62. Turn to them and while pointing your fingers at them as if you were electrocuting them, say, “BUZZ!!! BUZZ!!. .

63. Start arguing with yourself. When they ask you who you are talking to, say, “Your just jealous ‘cause the voices are talking to ME!!!?/font>

64. Say, “Who’s Freddie??Then act like you didn’t say anything.

65. Say, “Argh! My central nervous system in shot! Quick! Give me blue china!!!?/font>

66. Introduce your self by saying, “Hi! I’d like a hamburger, and a green South America please.?When they ask what your problem is, say, “Ohh, your not my fairy god mother? I’m sorry, he must have flown into the bookcases. Bye!?and run off.

67. Continuously rub a book while chanting, “Come out, come out. I know you’re in there!?When they ask what you’re doing, say, “I’m calling the book genie out!?/font>

68. Run up to them with a book, thrust it under their nose and ask, “Will you sign my autograph?!??Make sure you say MY.

69. Get up onto the table, and start acting like a duck. When they ask what you’re doing, say happily, “I’m roosting!?/font>

70. Bring a bottle of glue and sniff it while counting down from a very high number. When they ask what you’re doing, say, “I’m counting my brain cells!?/font>

71. Stick a ‘kick me?sing on your back, and accuse them of putting it their.

72. Repeat every thing they say to you.

73. Ask them, “Have you ever had an orange juice bath??When they look at you strangely, say, “What??/font>

74. Look up suddenly and yell, “Ohh no!? When they ask you what happened, say, “Nothing.?Then do it again.

75. Stare accusingly at the other person, and when they look at you, say, “Where were you on the night of February 32, 1989?!?/font>

76. Look at one page number, then a different one. They say in astonishment, “Wow! The page numbers are in order! Cool! They guy who came up with that musta been a genius!!

77. Glance over your shoulder every few seconds.

78. Maintain a look of horror constantly, but act normal other wise.

79. Say to him/her, “You have the right to remain silent!?/font>

80. Pat your stomach and say, “Whoa. Human extremities do not settle well.?/font>

81. Get a child’s book like “Green Eggs and Ham?and complain that there is no glossary.

82. Find a thesaurus and say in complete astonishment, “Wow! Did you know that ‘affirmative?and ‘yes? mean the same thing??/font>

83. Say, “Omph!?like you were just shot, and while smushing a ketchup pack on your chest, fall on the floor. Then get back up like nothing happened. After that, look at your stomach, and say, “What? How’d this stain get here??while motioning to the ketchup

kenwood

maxpro2

kicka19

fuck this thread

Tough Old Man

musclepump

Funny

Let's all join together and SPEAK ENGLISH IN AMERICA.

carlito cool

well then

SHUT UP AND LIFT

Super Hulk

http://www.gateworld.net/sg1/s7/graphics/711_06.jpg
==========================================
Starting Weight:248....CurrentWeight=196..GoalWeight=8%bf
Stats:........................... Goals:
(April 1).........................(by Oct 1)
Bench: 220ish..................Bench:400x1
Leg Press: 880 x 5 ish.......Leg Press:1000
Mil Press:150 ish x4 ish......Mil Press:250
http://img67.imageshack.us/img67/678...ta2copy4nh.jpg

Super Hulk

uses:
buble gum - it will save 10 cents

http://www.gateworld.net/sg1/s7/graphics/711_06.jpg
==========================================
Starting Weight:248....CurrentWeight=196..GoalWeight=8%bf
Stats:........................... Goals:
(April 1).........................(by Oct 1)
Bench: 220ish..................Bench:400x1
Leg Press: 880 x 5 ish.......Leg Press:1000
Mil Press:150 ish x4 ish......Mil Press:250
http://img67.imageshack.us/img67/678...ta2copy4nh.jpg