Thread: George Carlin's new rules for 2006

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to
people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly
like them! Besides, I already know what the captain
of the football team is doing these days: mowing my
lawn.



New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you
out a window unless you're a seagull. People are
acting all shocked that a human finger was found in
a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a
dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?



New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex
with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently
damaged. I have a better description for these kids:
lucky bastards.



New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect
baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the
cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a
grown man, they're pictures of men.



New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's
how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have
two of them? Okay, we're done.



New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap at the
supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink.
You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice
and let it melt. That's your flavored water.



New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is
introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square,
with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom.
And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations,
Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.



New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order,
the bigger the ass hole. If you walk into a
Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy,
half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one
Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge
ass hole. this is so true



New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up
from sliding my card, entering my PIN number,
pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,
no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter"
again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up
is standing there eating my Almond Joy.



New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's
right above the crack of your ass. And it translates
to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you
weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just
high.



New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one
of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of
Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes
at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're
already doing that.
It's called "The Howard Stern Show."



New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm
extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.



New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies
based on crappy, old television shows, then you have
to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can
see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
remember the reason something was a television show
in the first place is that the idea wasn't good
enough to be a movie.



New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used
to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new
homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the
stuff you want and having other people buy it for
you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version
of looting.



New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more
bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is
offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
supposed to be there, or just some freak with a
fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I
just want to wash my hands.



New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I
don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's
two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I
didn't really care in the first place.

quite funny...whomever wrote it.