Baby

**TJ Cline** · 02-27-2006, 07:36 PM

Area Baby Doesn't Have Any Friends

November 27, 2005
TARRYTOWN, NY—Although he's had nearly three months to meet people, local baby Joshua Goldsworthy hasn't made a single friend, according to those who know him.

Friendless baby Joshua Goldsworthy spends another night alone.

People who have met the quiet, stay-at-home misfit say that, while he's more interesting than he was two months ago, Joshua lacks the warmth, charisma, and empathy of a suitable companion.

"It's not like I hate him—I just don't get a lot out of knowing him," said 32-year-old Gretchen Sperber, a longtime friend of the Goldsworthy family. "He's hard to read. Sometimes he'll stare at you for hours, other times he'll fall asleep right in front of you, like you're not even there."
As Bonnie and Jason Goldsworthy's first child, Joshua is predictably adored and indulged. With a toy-filled nursery, a favorite blanket, and a parent, aunt, or grandparent always close at hand, the blond, apple-cheeked little boy unquestionably receives adequate love and comfort. However, most psychologists agree that familial love cannot replace friendships with one's peers.
Visitors to the Goldsworthy home often report having negative first impressions of Joshua. Out-of-the-blue crying fits, the tendency to yank at loose hair and earrings, and copious drooling are just a few of the antisocial traits he displays. Neighbor Lena Osterberg said that, two weeks ago, she cut a visit to the Goldsworthy home short after the self-interested infant committed a "gross" indiscretion.
"I still can't imagine why he didn't excuse himself and crawl into another room," Osterberg said. "The stench filled the living room, and he just sat there and grinned."
Another acquaintance, who asked not to be identified, described Joshua's head as "bulbous" and "disproportionate," and said the baby has "pudgy, triple-creased legs."
"May God forgive me, I know it's a sin to judge people on the basis of their appearance," the anonymous source said. "But he's like a monster. If you blew him up to normal size, people would scream in horror."
Although he responds to his doting parents, Joshua often alienates those outside of his family circle, according to his pediatrician, Dr. Martin Prushow.
"He seems to take interest only in people who are willing to nurture or 'mother' him," Prushow said. "Once in a while, you can coax a smile out of him, but only if you make a smiling face yourself. He's not a terrible person, but as far as actual depth, nothing."
Among non-relatives, perhaps the most acquainted with Joshua is 16-year-old babysitter Ashley Steinhoff. Though she meets with Joshua as many as three times a week, Steinhoff was quick to distance herself from the baby.
"'Babysitter' sure, but I wouldn't say 'friend,'" Steinhoff said. "I mean, it's not like I hang out with him for free. With my actual friends, I do things just for fun, and have full-sentence conversations—not change their diapers."
Steinhoff did not rule out the possibility of a future friendship, but said that Joshua would have to "quit being a baby first."
Although it is more than eight months away, family friends are already concocting excuses to skip "Baby No-Friends'" first birthday party.
"I can already predict what will happen," Sperber said. "He'll smear cake all over himself, throw a tantrum when someone puts a party hat on him, and scarcely acknowledge his presents other than to gnaw on them. I've seen how this kid operates."

**Little Wing** · 02-27-2006, 07:47 PM

babies are cool

**kicka19** · 02-27-2006, 07:47 PM

why do u post this shit?

**Little Wing** · 02-27-2006, 07:48 PM

i think it's cute.

**kicka19** · 02-27-2006, 09:31 PM

the only cute baby is a dead baby

**Little Wing** · 02-27-2006, 09:39 PM

too bad your parents didn't agree with you.

**TJ Cline** · 02-27-2006, 09:41 PM

Originally Posted by kicka19

why do u post this shit?

**topolo** · 02-27-2006, 09:43 PM

gheyness........

**kicka19** · 02-27-2006, 09:50 PM

Originally Posted by Little Wing

too bad your parents didn't agree with you.

i was to strong as a baby, they couldnt have killd me if the tried

**TJ Cline** · 02-27-2006, 09:51 PM

Originally Posted by kicka19

i was to strong as a baby, they couldnt have killd me if the tried

True story, they cut off kicka19's penis and he still lives today.

**kicka19** · 02-27-2006, 09:52 PM

Originally Posted by ForemanRules

True story, they cut off kicka19's penis and he still lives today.

**min0 lee** · 02-27-2006, 09:52 PM

Originally Posted by Little Wing

too bad your parents didn't agree with you.

**Little Wing** · 02-28-2006, 12:52 AM

Originally Posted by kicka19

i was too strong as a baby, they couldn't have killed me if they tried

good comeback but it looks like maybe they did damage a few brain cells.

were you shaken or stirred

**Dale Mabry** · 02-28-2006, 05:52 AM

Nobody puts Baby in the corner.

**The Monkey Man** · 02-28-2006, 05:55 AM

Originally Posted by Dale Mabry

Nobody puts Baby in the corner.

**The Monkey Man** · 02-28-2006, 05:59 AM

STOP HAVING BABIES!!!!!

(IT ALREADY TAKES ME AN HOUR TO GET TO WORK)

**topolo** · 02-28-2006, 07:45 AM

Originally Posted by The Monkey Man

STOP HAVING BABIES!!!!!

(IT ALREADY TAKES ME AN HOUR TO GET TO WORK)

They have cars in India????

**BigDyl** · 02-28-2006, 08:11 AM

Originally Posted by The Monkey Man

STOP HAVING BABIES!!!!!

(IT ALREADY TAKES ME AN HOUR TO GET TO WORK)

Monkey's just jealous that his impotence won't allow him to have one.

**Dale Mabry** · 02-28-2006, 08:18 AM

Originally Posted by topolo

They have cars in India????

No, he takes a rickshaw.

**The Monkey Man** · 02-28-2006, 12:43 PM

Originally Posted by BigDyl

Monkey's just jealous that his impotence won't allow him to have one.

Its not impotence...

I'm fixed -

**BigDyl** · 02-28-2006, 02:19 PM

Originally Posted by The Monkey Man

Its not impotence...

I'm fixed -

So you've had a lobotomy?

**wetnwild** · 02-28-2006, 09:04 PM

Originally Posted by Dale Mabry

Nobody puts Baby in the corner.

You just gave your self away to all the girls.

**TJ Cline** · 02-28-2006, 09:05 PM

Originally Posted by wetnwild

You just gave your self away to all the girls.

Not really; it is well known that Dale is a big Homo.

**Dale Mabry** · 02-28-2006, 09:07 PM

Originally Posted by wetnwild

You just gave your self away to all the girls.

How so?

**gococksDJS** · 02-28-2006, 09:34 PM

Originally Posted by Dale Mabry

How so?

Because you menstruate once a month...

**wetnwild** · 02-28-2006, 09:38 PM

Originally Posted by Dale Mabry

How so?

because that line, Nobody puts baby in the corner !that's from
Dirty Dancing. How can you know that line so fast? Do all guys know that line
and I am way off??

**Dale Mabry** · 02-28-2006, 09:44 PM

Originally Posted by gococksDJS

Because you menstruate once a month...

I menstruate anally on the hour, get some better material.

Wet-Just for you...

How do you spell sexy? H-A-S-S-E-L-H-O-F-F

**wetnwild** · 02-28-2006, 10:02 PM

**Dale Mabry** · 02-28-2006, 10:03 PM

Look at that plum smuggler he is wearing, Foreman could never pull that off. Well maybe he could pull it off...with his teeth.

**TJ Cline** · 02-28-2006, 10:14 PM

Originally Posted by Dale Mabry

Look at that plum smuggler he is wearing, Foreman could never pull that off. Well maybe he could pull it off...with his teeth.

Thats it!!! No more ass for you .

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