Thread: New Rule

New Rule: If your razor has five blades, it's not a razor, it's a weed-whacker. [laughter] [applause] With the new Gillette Fusion razor, the first blade lifts the stubble; the second severs the hair follicle; the third slices your skin; the fourth scrapes bone marrow; [laughter] and the fifth was used by O.J. Simpson to kill his wife, and he wants it back. [laughter] [applause] [groans]


New Rule: Jennifer Aniston must start dating Osama bin Laden. [laughter] Our government has spent four years and billions of dollars trying to find him. If we put the job in the hands of the real professionals, the paparazzi, “Osamifer” would be on the next cover of US Weekly. [laughter] [applause]



New Rule: Since only 15% of Americans said they believe in evolution in a recent poll, America must change its name to the United States of Jesus Christ. [laughter] And our motto, from E Pluribus Unum to “I'm With Stupid.” [laughter] [applause] The good news for the nation: if we get any stupider about science, we'll forget how to cook crystal meth. [laughter]



New Rule: The dead must stop talking to hot chicks. [laughter] It's hard enough being single. The last thing I need is to get cock-blocked by John Wilkes Booth! [laughter] And why does a woman's sixth sense always have to be seeing dead people? Why can't it be knowing when to shut the hell up during the ballgame? [laughter] [applause]



And finally, New Rule: Adults in this country have to awaken their inner child and then abort it. [laughter] Halloween is here, and America needs to be reminded that this is a holiday meant for children. [laughter] A chance for them to dress up and get a jumpstart on Type 2 diabetes. [laughter] So this Halloween, I say parents have to dress up as adults. [laughter] [applause]


New Rule: Let Vikings be Vikings. [laughter] Yes, there's outrage that some Minnesota Vikings may have gone on a party cruise and then…partied. Excuse me, but what's the point of getting your ribs crushed every week if you can't occasionally get blown on a boat? [laughter] [applause] Besides, these are the Minnesota Vikings. They can't always be the ones doing the sucking. [laughter] [applause]



New Rule: Sylvester Stallone can't make another “Rocky” movie—[laughter]—unless it's called, “Rocky Dies.” [laughter] [applause] Come on, Sly, even great characters have to be put to rest. It would be like if Governor Schwarzenegger went around all day quoting “The Terminator.” Okay, bad example. [laughter] [applause]



New Rule: Words printed on a coffee cup will not turn you gay. [laughter] A Baylor University dining contractor has banned Starbucks cups that have a quote from a gay author. Listen, breeders, you can't get AIDS from a Styrofoam container. [laughter] And besides, if you're holding a double half-caf, vanilla mocha latte, extra foam sprinkled with nutmeg, you're already gay! [laughter] [applause]



And finally, New Rule: Saddam Hussein's trial must be moved to Los Angeles! [laughter] [applause] We are “fiending” out here for our next big celebrity court case! [laughter] Local news stations are so bored, they've resorted to reporting real news! [laughter] If we don't get another circus trial soon, Pat O'Brien is going to start drinking again. [laughter]



New Rule: No more nudity on billboards. You know, I'm all for sex in advertising, but not where horny men drive. [laughter] I don't want to launch into a big lecture about safety, but the other day, the guy in front of me slammed on his brakes to gawk, and the woman who was blowing me almost hit her head on the steering wheel! [laughter] [applause]



New Rule: If you give a nine-year-old a hunting rifle, expect to have a hole in your head next to the one you already have. [laughter] [applause] That's right. Fathers are signing up their kids to win free hunting trips. Great time to find out she's pissed about not getting that doll. [laughter] I'm sorry, but the first time your daughter should see a shotgun is at her wedding when she's 14. [laughter] [applause]



And finally, New Rule: Just because we have an obligation to rebuild New Orleans doesn't mean we have to put it back in the same place. For $200 billion, we could put the French Quarter on the moon. [laughter] [applause] Why don't we put it someplace it can stay out of harm and do some good? After all, New Orleans is the Big Easy, and a lot of America is uptight. [laughter] Which is why I say we put New Orleans in Kansas . [laughter] [applause] [cheers]



Lawl, there hit or miss. These are actually older transcripts from REAL TIME with Bill Mahr.

Originally Posted by BigDyl

MyK, where did you get troubles account password?

hax0r!!!!