Thread: Got any good fart stories?

I have tons of great fart stories.

I think the best story was when I was much younger, about 8 or 9. My mom made me go to church back then, which I hated. The first 20 minutes of church was dedicated to announcements and church financial business. One of the old ladies in the church was at the podium talking about a bake sale or some shit. I really wasn't paying attention, until she ripped a loud flugger which the mike picked up and reverberated across the church. It might have been the funniest moment of my life. I was sitting with all of my friends and we all heard it. We were laughing so hard, and we couldn't stop no matter how hard we tried. The whole bench was shaking from us trying not to laugh while gripping onto the bench has hard as possible. My mom was looking right at me with one of those "you are gonna get you you get home" looks. I think of that moment every time I hear the old saying "poot'en in church".

An unbelievable amount. And unless I'm in the company of some women, I always take credit for mine.

Good way to get rid of annoying people too. Haven't met the man yet who would endure one of mine in order to keep bitching at me.

Tyler said the other night as he was reading naional geographic for kids "you know how you always tease vanity for farting?" i said "yea" n he says "Well the north wind comes down from canada."

I love banging a fart off a certain surface like a rubber cushion that just makes the sound even louder.

And it never gets old!

Originally Posted by AKIRA

I love banging a fart off a certain surface like a rubber cushion that just makes the sound even louder.

And it never gets old!

The absolute best surface for that was the plastic chair/desk combos in school.

In 6th grade I sat in the front of one of my classes and up against the wall. When I turned sideways in my chair I let a knocker out and it literally sounded like a drum roll. Not to mention the plastic chair I was sitting in made it 3 times louder. Everyone heard it, and there was no doubt I did. No question the loudest fart I have ever ripped.

Ever notice youll fart real loud and people right next to you WONT hear it?

Originally Posted by AKIRA

Ever notice youll fart real loud and people right next to you WONT hear it?

Yeah but coming from you, they'll sure smell it....

find your farting soul mate

Aries
(21st March to 20th April)
• Competitive
• Adventurous and energetic
• Pioneering and courageous
• Enthusiastic and confident
• Foolhardy and daredevil
Arien subjects are courageous leaders and as such they are the
first in a room to let rip. As followers they can be troublesome
and will sulk if someone beats them off the mark. In their
personal relationships, Ariens are frank and direct and make
food friends. If you are too shy to fart first, get together with
an Aries who will lead the way for you.

Taurus
(21st April to 21st May)
• Practical
• Artistic
• Idealistic
• Patient and reliable
• Persistent and determined
• Jealous and possessive
• Resentful and inflexible
• Self-indulgent and greedy
The Bull, and boy, do these people want you to know they
are the dog's bollocks when it comes to farting. Even his or
her farts have got to be bigger and smellier than anyone else's.
Female Taureans even boast to their friends that their fanny
farts are the loudest in the kingdom. They also take pride in
their farts lingering longer. If you enjoy the smell of farts,
hang around a Taurus. But remember, they are jealous and
self-indulgent, so do not try to compete. These people usually
work in marketing or some other aggressive job. They should
live miles from anyone and not on the fifth floor of a block of
flats, as when they start to blow off, buildings shake and young
children hide under their blankets. If this does not put you off
then nothing will.

Gemini
(22nd May to 21st June)
• Well-informed
• Adaptable and versatile
• Communicative and witty
• Intellectual and eloquent
• Superficial and inconsistent
• Cunning and inquisitive
Gemini, the sign of the Twins, is two-faced, elusive, complex
and contradictory. On the one hand it produces the virtue of
versatility, and on the other the vices of two-facedness and
flightiness. Therefore, they usually fart in crowds so they can
pin the blame on someone else and run away. Since Geminis
are great communicators they can fart a whole range of
sounds with different intensities. Their pitch and tone is music
to our ears.

Cancer
(22nd June to 23rd July)
• House-proud
• Clan-conscious (basically maternal)
• Intuitive and imaginative
• Shrewd and cautious
• Protective and sympathetic
• Changeable and moody
• Over-emotional and touchy
The Cancerian character is the least clear-cut of all those
associated with the signs of the zodiac. Among farters they are
the most charming exponents of this art. They are very at ease
with their bodily functions but can be moody sometimes. This
leads to them getting upset when members of their family let
loose with a blaster. A Cancerian will also come to your
defence if somebody else takes the fun out of your farts. They
are most relaxed in the company of Taureans and should seek
out this star sign if looking for a soul mate.

Leo
(24th July to 23rd August)
• Confident
• Dignified
• Intimidates others easily
• Generous and warm-hearted
• Creative and enthusiastic
• Broad-minded and expansive
• Pompous and patronizing
• Bossy and interfering
• Dogmatic
The Leo type is the most dominant, spontaneously creative
and extrovert of all the zodiacal characters. They are the
monarchs among humans as the lion is king of beasts. They
love to be the centre of attention, which makes for a fun time
if they are surrounded by Taureans.They love it when one of
their farts gets people talking and will patronize anyone whose
fart does not measure up. Leos do have a generous side and
enjoy being asked to perform. If you ask politely to smell it
they will love you for ever.

Virgo
(24th August to 23rd September)
• Body-conscious
• Modest and shy
• Intelligent and analytical
• Fussy and a worrier
• Over-critical and harsh
• Perfectionist and conservative
Virgo is the only zodiacal sign represented by a female. On the
surface Virgoans are cold and some may say anally retentive.
Because of this they are the last in a room to drop a fart. If you
can convince a Virgo to drop one you are in for a treat.
Because they are shy and are worried by what their bodies do,
they tend to hold them in far longer than they should.
Consequently the smell of their farts will wake the dead.

Libra
(24th September to 23rd October)
• Diplomatic
• Attractive
• Fair
• Urbane
• Romantic and charming
• Easy-going and sociable
• Idealistic and peaceable
Libra is the only inanimate sign of the zodiac. Librans have
elegance, charm and good taste, are kind, very gentle, and
lovers of beauty. Because of this they tend not to get involved
in rowdy farting contests but do their farting in private. They
absolutely die of shame if accused of dropping one and feel
that the whole farting process is practised by other people.
However, in a long-term relationship their guard goes down
and they unload the sweetest farts imaginable. They are most
at home with Virgoans.

Scorpio
(24th October to 22nd November)
• Powerful
• Passionate
• Intense
• Jealous and resentful
• Compulsive and obsessive
• Secretive and obstinate
Scorpios are the most intense, powerful characters in the
zodiac. Even when they appear self-controlled and calm there
is a seething well of emotional energy underneath the placid
exterior. They are like volcanoes and their farts reflect this.
Their farts have a sting in the tail and you never know when
they will let one out. Never hold a contest between Leos and
Scorpios. They will fart to the death.

Sagittarius
(23rd November to 21st December)
• Adventurous
• Funny
• Knowledgeable
• Eternally optimistic
• Freedom-loving
• Jovial and good-humoured
• Intellectual and philosophical
Sagittarians have a positive outlook on life, are full of
enterprise, energy, versatility and eagerness. They enjoy
travelling and exploration. They are always looking for new
thrills and will be the first in a room to light their fart and tell
you exactly what they ate to cause such a firestorm. They can
smell a fart and tell you what you have eaten and will know
everything about the composition of the fart. If you want to
find someone who will show an interest in your farts then this
star sign will make your perfect partner. Their philosophical
side is immense and their favourite saying is 'I fart, therefore I
am'.

Capricorn
(22nd December to 20th January)
• Patient
• Practical
• Ambitious and disciplined
• Humorous and reserved
• Fatalistic
• Miserly and grudging
The Capricorn is one of the most down-to-earth and serious
of the zodiacal types. These independent characters have many
qualities, although admittedly some of these are dull. A
Capricorn's fart slips out of his or her arse more smoothly and
more slippily than an eel on a hook. Because they are
disciplined they will not fart at will, but store them up and
only release one so as to achieve the maximum effect. This star
sign is prone to anal leakage and you should be aware of this
if you intend to spend much time in bed with one. They are
full of surprises, however, and very funny.

Aquarius
(21st January to 19th February)
• Unusual
• Well-intentioned
• Stubborn
• Friendly
• Honest
• Original and inventive
• Intractable and contrary
• Perverse and unpredictable
The Water Bearer, like Capricorn, suffers from wet farts that
will test the absorbent nature of their underwear to the hilt. If
male they never wear light trousers, and female Aquarians
never go far from home without finding out that there are
toilet facilities en route beforehand. They have a breadth of
vision that is quite awe-inspiring. If you are looking for farts
that are totally unique then this is the sign to watch out for.

Pisces
(20th February to 20th March)
• Sensitive
• Imaginative
• Hopelessly sentimental
• Potential for mind-altering drug addictions
• Exaggerates everything
Pisces is one of the less flashy signs and their farts are more
ordinary than those of, for example, Leo, Scorpio and
Aquarius. However, they have an addictive nature and indeed
some people swear that they get a high from sniffing one of
their explosions. The magic-mushroom fart is a favourite and
if the donor has eaten baked beans as well, the results are like
having an LSD trip. Strange colours and strange objects float
by those who are downwind of these farts. As long as you go
with the flow then no long-term damage is sustained. Be
warned that Piscean farters are genuinely fishy farters, and are
prone to embellish the truth and just love sitting around
telling tales of their farting exploits.

THE GREAT FARTING CONTEST
I will tell you a tale that is certain to please,
Of a great farting contest at Shitham on Pease,
When all the great arses paraded the fields,
To take part in a contest for various shields.

Some cocked up their arses to fart up the scale,
To strive for a cup and a barrel of ale.
And those whose arses were biggest and strongest,
Took part in the contest for loudest and longest.

This pleasant event had drawn a great crowd,
And the betting was even on Mrs McLoud.
It was said in the papers, the sporting edition,
That this lady's arse was in perfect condition.

Now old Mrs Potluck was backed for a place,
For she had often been placed in the deepest disgrace,
Having farted in church and drowned the great organ,
And gassed the old verger, Marmaduke Morgan.

With a clump of red hairs and a wart on each side,
She cocked it up well with the greatest of pride.
She fancied her chance of winning with ease,
Having trained on a diet of cabbage and peas.

The vicar arrived and ascended the stand,
And proceeded to tell this remarkable band,
That the contest was on as was shown on the bills,
And the use was taboo of injections and pills.

The contestants lined up at the signal to start,
And winning the toss Mrs Jones took first fart.
The crowd were astonished in silence and wonder,
And the BBC issued a warning of thunder.

Next Mrs Black who advanced to the front,
And started by doing a wonderful stunt.
With wide parted cheeks and tightly clenched hands,
She blew off the roof of the sixpenny stands.

Old Mrs Potluck thought nothing of this,
She'd had some weak tea and was all wind and piss.
With hands on her hips and legs stretched out wide,
she unluckily shit and was disqualified.

Next Mrs Bugle who farted alone,
And the crowd were amazed at the sweetness of her
tone.
The judges agreed without bias of pause,
First prize Mrs Bugle, now pull up your drawers.

She advanced to the rostrum with maidenly gait,
To receive from the vicar a set of gold plate.
Then she farted to the crowd who had started to sing,
And farted to the first verse of 'God Save The King'.

not yet but should have one in the next 3 days football camp at my school going to be 75+ football players that like to play jokes and fart all the time should be fun

Sakuraba has fun with the Chute Boxe guys...

Ive always loved this story..

A friend of mine just started dating this girl. They had been on a few dates, like going to the beach and such, so it was off to a decent start.

One night, he is going to go over to her house to have dinner. He takes a shower, gets all clean and squeaky, gets dressed and heads out.

As hes driving to her house (she lives 15 min away and he is about 2 min from her house), hes gotta fart. Well, he has a hard time controlling himself so it seems, so he shits himself. Only he shut off the shit halfway and couldnt bare it. Hes thinking "jesus, I am almost there too, I gotta turn around now." Only he didnt make it.

He had to shit so bad, he pulled over, got out of the car RIGHT THERE and shit in the grass. When he was done, the only shit to wipe his ass with were the towels he used when they went to the beach. He uses them, throws out the towel along with his shit covered boxers.

He then drove back home, in the now shitty pants, and takes another shower.

So yeah, he was late for dinner.

When I heard that story I was in TEARS. I pictured being in a car driving home, making a left turn, and noticing the headlights catch a bent over man taking a shit beside the road.

The hardest is when you gotta fart or hold a shit at work.

Not to go too far off tangent, but do all you guys fart in front of all your girlfriends? I usually do, but have held them in for a few.

Mother in law was in checkout line at grocery store and ripped a nasty one I guess. The carry out boy said to her " mam if you find that rotten meat when you get home, just return it and we will get you some new.

I have had many fart situations too. But I will share the one I remember most vividly.



It was a few years ago, I was 16.
A friend and I were in a best buy looking for shit to buy.
Well we were on one isle and I started walking past him and let out a real loud smelly one. He starts going to the next isle laughing and as we turn the corner he says "Hahaha did you just fart?"

And I laughed and said "Hah Yea."
At that moment I realized a really hot girl was standing on the next isle we had crossed to.
And at the mention of his question she looked right up at us. And as soon as I said "hah Yea", I met her gaze.

I stood there for about 2 seconds and then said "Noooo!"

and we ran all the way home.

lol, one time back in grade 10 I think, me and a buddy were on the bus going to school, and hes like "man I gotta fart.." so he lets it rip. and it fucking stunk like nothing I've smelled before, a guy in the seat ahead of us turns around with this disgusted look on his face and says "is it weird if you can taste it?!"..we just cracked up

bump

Thank god.

Originally Posted by Richard Gears

I fart on my Girlfriend or hold her down so she cant get away. She claims its abusive but i think its hilarious.

Is that what got you thrown in the slammer for a week?

Funniest one was when I was training my buddy at college. He was a bit overweight and joined me for cardio then abs. I set up a three exercise ab circuit and we'd go in a loop. One of the machines was next to the elipticals and he was doing situps on it right next to this gorgeous girl on the eliptical. He said he didn't even feel it coming but the next thing he knew on his way up he let loose a real loud stinky one. She looked at him (pretty pissed off) and just shrugged said sorry, and we had to leave we were laughing so hard.