A bedtime story

Splash Log · 10-11-2008, 05:12 AM

Well IM you are in for a treat, I just had the funniest hookup of my entire life. This should be a welcome break from Min0 copy pasting headlines and bullshit political threads.

Today I engaged in the most bizarre hookup of my entire life. I am gonna shorten it up as much as possible. I just got back home after dropping her off.

So I go out and fail at getting anyone to go home and sleep with me, this is par for any night I go out. While walking home I run into a girl I know who is 22 and has a 3 year old child, she has been out drinking so this child is out of the equation. I easily convince her to come back with me.

So we get to my house and get in bed, one thing leads to another and we are both naked about to fuck, I throw on a rubber and position myself for a good fucking, she starts crying and saying she loves me. This instantly makes me flaccid. I get out of bed and let her curl up on my bed, now this was a set back but I wasnt gonna let it stop me. So I look at some porn while she is curled up and get myself hard again. I climb back in bed and prop her up doggy style. Its important to note here that I have never fucked a chick in the ass, I always thought it was one step closer to homosexuality.

Well this changed tonight I saw my opportunity and I took it, I spit on my hand lubed it and thrust it in. Needlees to say she started crying becuase it hurt this time. I had no lube or anything close to it, and I really wanted to keep stabbing her ass. Thinking quick I grabbed two capsules of fish oil and broke them in my hands and rubbed them on my dick as lube. Man I thought I was so slick. It is important to note at this point she refused to give me head the entire night. So I thought I was so slick and said dont worry I got it handled and went back to the ass, she wasnt having any of it, she turned me over and after refusing for two hours went down on me. Almost instantly she puked all over my chest and sheets due to the fish oil i rubbed on myself expecting to use it as lube.

I didn't spell check or proof read this, its 8 hours part my bedtime and I had to share before I slept on my sheetless matress.

maniclion · 10-11-2008, 07:52 AM

Don't worry I've had chicks puke on me without fishoil being rubbed anywhere on me....

Witchblade · 10-11-2008, 08:20 AM

Haha WTF.

ReproMan · 10-11-2008, 09:01 AM

She didn't smell the fish oil from a mile away? I've smelled pussy that's smelled like fish oil.. Talk about going flaccid....

Splash Log · 10-11-2008, 10:26 AM

Ohh wow I went into a little too much deatail there, haha. I think I coudla left out a few parts, like me looking at porn to re-arouse myself.

Rubes11 · 10-11-2008, 10:53 AM

lol thats some funny stuff

Little Wing · 10-11-2008, 11:04 AM

see, that's why long edit times are good.

Splash Log · 10-11-2008, 11:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Little Wing

see, that's why long edit times are good.

I wish i could edit my night, this is gonna be months of misery.

KentDog · 10-11-2008, 12:02 PM

That is hilarious. What made you decide to pick the asshole? Sounds risky, especially when the girl was drunk.

IronAddict · 10-11-2008, 12:57 PM

Awe, the friday night tales of single men!

We ought to come up with the male version of "sex in the city". I could see this in the pilot episode

Crono1000 · 10-11-2008, 01:44 PM

First of all, you never want to use the "oops" method for anal, unless you want a piece of corn stuck in your dick afterwards. Also, you're gonna want to ease into anal not just choose which hole is closer to your dick. Otherwise it's going to be an impossible fit and a painful experience for her. Lastly, if she hasn't prepared for it beforehand you're talking shitonyerdick.

maniclion · 10-11-2008, 02:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crono1000

Lastly, if she hasn't prepared for it beforehand you're talking shitonyerdick.

aka the Coney Dog...

maniclion · 10-11-2008, 02:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IronAddict

Awe, the friday night tales of single men!

We ought to come up with the male version of "sex in the city". I could see this in the pilot episode

It's called Entourage.....

Splash Log · 10-11-2008, 03:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Crono1000

First of all, you never want to use the "oops" method for anal, unless you want a piece of corn stuck in your dick afterwards. Also, you're gonna want to ease into anal not just choose which hole is closer to your dick. Otherwise it's going to be an impossible fit and a painful experience for her. Lastly, if she hasn't prepared for it beforehand you're talking shitonyerdick.

It was actually more the "Ohh yea Ill show you method", she was being a psychotic cunt calling me a pussy bitch and shit. It actually ended up getting to me so thats when I flipped her over. She got what she deserved, so did I guess

Crono1000 · 10-11-2008, 05:52 PM

anal sex as punishment... I will have to consider that. Still, the "Coney dog" effect, as manic was so kind to label for us, is reason enough to avoid the black... er, brown hole.

Little Wing · 10-11-2008, 06:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IronAddict

Awe, the friday night tales of single men!

We ought to come up with the male version of "sex in the city". I could see this in the pilot episode

that really is a great idea

DiGiTaL · 10-11-2008, 09:36 PM

Hahah that was a good read. Lmao, are you gonna talk to this chick again

IronAddict · 10-13-2008, 01:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maniclion

It's called Entourage.....

In that case, maybe we have a story for Marky Mark Wahlberg.

zombul · 10-13-2008, 02:22 PM

Little Wing · 10-13-2008, 05:45 PM

i heard a worse story but i don't know if it qualifies cuz it didn't happen to me.

a guy my mom dated when i was a teenager often made the mistake of thinking kids had bad hearing. the adults would talk about some of their bawdy escapades thinking we were simply watching tv in the next room and not listening....

well it seems he picked up a girl one night that had a stomach virus or something. the highlights of the story from what we could hear were "69" "wet fart" and ""shit mohawk"

Witchblade · 10-13-2008, 07:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Little Wing

well it seems he picked up a girl one night that had a stomach virus or something. the highlights of the story from what we could hear were "69" "wet fart" and ""shit mohawk"

That's post traumatic stress syndrome for your guy right there. That is nasty.

tomuchgear · 10-13-2008, 07:12 PM

wow this is a messed up thread priceless. if some chick puked on me i would puke right back. uh that is freaking nasty bro.

Splash Log · 10-13-2008, 07:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DiGiTaL

Hahah that was a good read. Lmao, are you gonna talk to this chick again

She floats in some of the same circles as me, she has actually texted and or called me every day since. She is batshit crazy and I expect her to turn on me very soon.

IronAddict · 10-14-2008, 10:36 AM

QUOTE=Little Wing;1831072]i heard a worse story but i don't know if it qualifies cuz it didn't happen to me.

a guy my mom dated when i was a teenager often made the mistake of thinking kids had bad hearing. the adults would talk about some of their bawdy escapades thinking we were simply watching tv in the next room and not listening....

well it seems he picked up a girl one night that had a stomach virus or something. the highlights of the story from what we could hear were "69" "wet fart" and ""shit mohawk"

[/quote]

Oh man. That would scar for life!

maniclion · 10-14-2008, 03:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Splash Log

She floats in some of the same circles as me, she has actually texted and or called me every day since. She is batshit crazy and I expect her to turn on me very soon.

Oh man nothing like a psycho bitch with a headful of fish oil.....she's going to have you in front of a hanging judge telling them wicked stories about sodomy with caviar juice as lube. The judge, jury and prosecutor will be like "what kind of depraved sexual deviant prevert is this?"

IronAddict · 10-15-2008, 08:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maniclion

Oh man nothing like a psycho bitch with a headful of fish oil.....she's going to have you in front of a hanging judge telling them wicked stories about sodomy with caviar juice as lube. The judge, jury and prosecutor will be like "what kind of depraved sexual deviant prevert is this?"

10-11-2008, 05:12 AM	#1
Splash Log Registered User Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 1,163	A bedtime story Well IM you are in for a treat, I just had the funniest hookup of my entire life. This should be a welcome break from Min0 copy pasting headlines and bullshit political threads. Today I engaged in the most bizarre hookup of my entire life. I am gonna shorten it up as much as possible. I just got back home after dropping her off. So I go out and fail at getting anyone to go home and sleep with me, this is par for any night I go out. While walking home I run into a girl I know who is 22 and has a 3 year old child, she has been out drinking so this child is out of the equation. I easily convince her to come back with me. So we get to my house and get in bed, one thing leads to another and we are both naked about to fuck, I throw on a rubber and position myself for a good fucking, she starts crying and saying she loves me. This instantly makes me flaccid. I get out of bed and let her curl up on my bed, now this was a set back but I wasnt gonna let it stop me. So I look at some porn while she is curled up and get myself hard again. I climb back in bed and prop her up doggy style. Its important to note here that I have never fucked a chick in the ass, I always thought it was one step closer to homosexuality. Well this changed tonight I saw my opportunity and I took it, I spit on my hand lubed it and thrust it in. Needlees to say she started crying becuase it hurt this time. I had no lube or anything close to it, and I really wanted to keep stabbing her ass. Thinking quick I grabbed two capsules of fish oil and broke them in my hands and rubbed them on my dick as lube. Man I thought I was so slick. It is important to note at this point she refused to give me head the entire night. So I thought I was so slick and said dont worry I got it handled and went back to the ass, she wasnt having any of it, she turned me over and after refusing for two hours went down on me. Almost instantly she puked all over my chest and sheets due to the fish oil i rubbed on myself expecting to use it as lube. I didn't spell check or proof read this, its 8 hours part my bedtime and I had to share before I slept on my sheetless matress.

10-11-2008, 08:20 AM	#3
Witchblade Succinct Elite Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Holland Posts: 4,442 Photos: 2	Haha WTF.
	My Linkdump [LSFW] IM Official FAQ [WORK IN PROGRESS]

10-11-2008, 10:53 AM	#6
Rubes11 Registered User Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: michigan Posts: 89	lol thats some funny stuff
	5'7 165lbs(cutting to 152 for wrestling)

10-11-2008, 12:57 PM	#10
IronAddict You,Me,We Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: california Posts: 251	Awe, the friday night tales of single men! We ought to come up with the male version of "sex in the city". I could see this in the pilot episode
	The journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.

10-11-2008, 09:36 PM	#17
DiGiTaL .::.:: Legend ::.::. Elite Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Ca Posts: 930	Hahah that was a good read. Lmao, are you gonna talk to this chick again
	Stats: Weight: 190lbs \| Height: 5'11 \| BF: 14% My Journal

10-11-2008, 07:52 AM	#2
maniclion Catalyst Elite Member Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Hawaii, selling munitions for the war on EcoTerror Posts: 18,354 Photos: 10	Don't worry I've had chicks puke on me without fishoil being rubbed anywhere on me....

10-11-2008, 09:01 AM	#4
ReproMan Señor Member Elite Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Stuart, FL Posts: 7,254	She didn't smell the fish oil from a mile away? I've smelled pussy that's smelled like fish oil.. Talk about going flaccid....

10-11-2008, 10:26 AM	#5
Splash Log Registered User Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 1,163	Ohh wow I went into a little too much deatail there, haha. I think I coudla left out a few parts, like me looking at porn to re-arouse myself.

10-11-2008, 11:04 AM	#7
Little Wing SEMPER~FIDELIS Elite Member Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: United States Posts: 21,666 Blog Entries: 1 Photos: 191	see, that's why long edit times are good.

10-11-2008, 12:02 PM	#9
KentDog College Grad Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: USA Posts: 2,874 Photos: 3	That is hilarious. What made you decide to pick the asshole? Sounds risky, especially when the girl was drunk.

10-11-2008, 01:44 PM	#11
Crono1000 Peelosopher Join Date: Feb 2003 Posts: 5,851 Photos: 11	First of all, you never want to use the "oops" method for anal, unless you want a piece of corn stuck in your dick afterwards. Also, you're gonna want to ease into anal not just choose which hole is closer to your dick. Otherwise it's going to be an impossible fit and a painful experience for her. Lastly, if she hasn't prepared for it beforehand you're talking shitonyerdick.

10-11-2008, 05:52 PM	#15
Crono1000 Peelosopher Join Date: Feb 2003 Posts: 5,851 Photos: 11	anal sex as punishment... I will have to consider that. Still, the "Coney dog" effect, as manic was so kind to label for us, is reason enough to avoid the black... er, brown hole.

10-13-2008, 02:22 PM	#19
zombul SB MUSCLE REP Elite Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Power Rack Posts: 2,050
	www.sbmuscle.com SBMuscle.com Rep My opinons, views, and suggestions are that of my own and do not represent SBMuscle.com

10-13-2008, 05:45 PM	#20
Little Wing SEMPER~FIDELIS Elite Member Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: United States Posts: 21,666 Blog Entries: 1 Photos: 191	i heard a worse story but i don't know if it qualifies cuz it didn't happen to me. a guy my mom dated when i was a teenager often made the mistake of thinking kids had bad hearing. the adults would talk about some of their bawdy escapades thinking we were simply watching tv in the next room and not listening.... well it seems he picked up a girl one night that had a stomach virus or something. the highlights of the story from what we could hear were "69" "wet fart" and ""shit mohawk"

10-13-2008, 07:12 PM	#22
tomuchgear is naked eatin cheetos Elite Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: ohio Posts: 1,670 Photos: 5	wow this is a messed up thread priceless. if some chick puked on me i would puke right back. uh that is freaking nasty bro.
	i bet in the world you live in every one is a pony, eats rainbows, and craps butterflys. there is no damn justice in the world.

10-14-2008, 10:36 AM	#24
IronAddict You,Me,We Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: california Posts: 251	QUOTE=Little Wing;1831072]i heard a worse story but i don't know if it qualifies cuz it didn't happen to me. a guy my mom dated when i was a teenager often made the mistake of thinking kids had bad hearing. the adults would talk about some of their bawdy escapades thinking we were simply watching tv in the next room and not listening.... well it seems he picked up a girl one night that had a stomach virus or something. the highlights of the story from what we could hear were "69" "wet fart" and ""shit mohawk" [/quote] Oh man. That would scar for life!
	The journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.

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