Thread: if youre wondering when ill kick the bucket

this blog is for everyone who knows or doesnt know about how ive been doing these last few months..
I am dying. Plain and simple. I have less than 6 years to live now.

I have eight known mental diseases and two actual ones which are slowly but steadily and assuredly killing me. There is no medical miracle that will help me survive to my 25th birthday.

Now at first, i felt like shit. Who wants to die? I did everything in my power to avoid doctors or seek help. No news is good news right? Then all of the bottled up emotions made me black out into a siezure on 94E going about 60 mph. I cut through a ditch almost t-boning two cars and then back almost killing myself in a 60 mph head on collision with a cement wall. Thankfully i snapped out of in just in time enough to pull my E-break and slide my car into a lane.
Thinking nothing of it i went to my final destination and proceeded to drive home a few hours later.
I awoke in a drift of snow in my backyard.
I finally caved and saught medical attention. After thousands of dollars and many many tests later, doctors chalked my blackouts to a disease called Hyperactive Hyperventalation Syndrome.
In lamen's terms it means i dont breathe properly and dont notice it.
Not breathing properly leaves too much CO2 in my brain which my off-kiltered chemicals in my brain then turn into CO4. CO4 attacks the critical brain cells needed to keep my lungs breathing and my heart beating regularly.
When too many cells have been killed off.. well you get the picture.

Now roughly 25k in doctor and hospital and testing bills will throw anyone off of their regular monetary living status.
Being so in debt eventually translated into losing my duplex.. leaving me homeless for the third time in my life.
These past 7 weeks ive been in and out of places, sleeping, showering, and eating where i can and when i can.
My job saw me as a risk after a few ambulance rides out of there so they put me on medical leave from work for 2 months after i got back from my best friend's funeral.
I have yet to see a single dime of the medical leave back pay they owe me (which has accrued to become roughly $1700) and to top it off, my liscense was cancelled by the state because i was placed on leave.
So penniless, homeless, jobless, and carless i wander.
surviving on my friend's good nature and a will to carry on. My band, which kept me happy for some time, broke up and went our seperate ways, so now i am searching for musicians to play with and get things going.
Normal people would seek the comfort of the opposite sex, saying a girlfriend would make me happier and feel better.
I on the other hand, have learned many many times, that when shit rains, it pours.
girls aren't exactly faithful or mind-easing in my case..
after being fucked with, fucked over, and fucking plain frustrated so many times in the past, ive decided a step back was definately in order, and a much needed mental break was needed.
aside from the hyperactive hyperventalation syndrome i suffer from, i also apparently am pretty fucked in the head according to multiple well-educated psychiatric consultants.
Borderline Personality Disorder, schizophrenic traits, bi-polar syndromes, depression type 2, anger-management issues, post-traumatic stress syndrome, after-shock syndrome, diassociative syndrome, extreme anxiety, extreme insomnia.. the list goes on.
They think if they give you 7 or 8 different pills in really high doses a day that you'll just be a happier person and start to blend in with society instantly. It doesnt work like that.

ive come to realize that true happiness will be found in good time and by my own means. i dont want sympathy. i want people to understand. im dying. get over it. i have.

Originally Posted by Mudge

Thats where almost everything in our lives comes from, inside ourselves. Half empty, half full, leading a horse to water... its our choice to think and feel what we want, it just takes work.

Dude is obviously sentencing himself into his own premature coffin.

one of the guitarists in my band wrote this as a spoof, about our band.



"this blog is for everyone who knows or doesnt know about how weve been doing these last few months..

We are dying. Plain and simple. We have less than 6 years to live now.

We have eight known mental diseases and two actual ones which are slowly but steadily and assuredly killing us. There is no medical miracle that will help us survive to all of our glorious 21st birthdays.

Now at first, we felt like shit. What band wants to die? We did everything in our power to avoid band therapists or seek help. No news is good news right? Then all of the bottled up emotions made us black out into an alcohol induced comas on the couch while we were watching MASH re-runs. Melchert inadvertantly dropped the television remote, almost t-boning my nutsack and almost killing my half-eaten can of Pringles in a high-speed head-on collision with the hardwood floor. Thankfully i snapped out of in just in time enough to pull my feet of the coffee table and slide my foot under the can, effectively saving the grease-laden goodies.

Thinking nothing of it, I reached back into the can for another chip, and walked over to the fridge for my 11th beer of the night a few minutes later.

I awoke in a pile of dirty laundry in the living room.

We finally caved and saught medical attention. After thousands of dollars and many many tests later, doctor chalked our blackouts to a disease called Hyper-Hyperactive Hyperspace Hyperdrive Hyperalcohlism Syndrome's Disease.

In lamen's terms it means we drink way too much and dont realize it.

Drinking too much leaves too much, well alchohol, in our brains which my off-kiltered chemicals in my brain then turn into, well I guess still just alcohol. The attacks the critical brain cells needed to write killer riffs.

When too many brain cells have been killed off.. well you get the picture. no more riffs.

Now roughly 25k in doctor and hospital and testing bills will throw any band off of their regular monetary living status which is basically a bunch of words poorly thrown together that make absolutely no grammatical sense at all.

Being so in debt eventually translated into losing our practice space.. leaving us homeless for the third time in our bands life.

These past 7 weeks ive been in and out of places, sleeping, shredding, and drinking beer where we can and when we can.

Booking agents saw us as a risk after a few shows in which we showed up beligerantly drunk after selling our gear for booze, so they permanently banned us from their venues, even after we had gone through the heartache of having to part way with our gear.

we have yet to see a single dime of the door money the venues owe us (which has accrued to become roughly $14.37) and to top it off, our licenses were cancelled by the state because its apparently illegal to drive a tour bus naked while severely intoxicated.

So penniless, gearless, beerless, and vanless we wander.

surviving on a quarter-bottle of Jack and a will to carry on. This band, which kept us happy for some time, is nearly broken up and went our seperate ways, so now we are just trynig to get things going again.

Normal people would seek the comfort of the opposite sex, saying girlfriends would make us happier and feel better.

I on the other hand, we have learned many many times, that when shit rains, the shit pours piss..

girls aren't exactly faithful or mind-easing (another made up word) in our case..

after being fucked with, fucked over, and fucking plain frustrated so many times in the past, weve decided a step back was definately in order, and a much needed mental break was needed.

aside from the Hyper-Hyperactive Hyperspace Hyperdrive Hyperalcohlism Syndrome's Disease we suffer from, we also apparently are pretty fucked in the head according to multiple well-educated mothers and grandmothers of ours.

Severe alcoholism, Alchohol dependence, alcohol addiction, alcoholism type 2, alcohol-management issues, binge drinking, hangover syndrome, disillusioned syndrome, extreme alcoholism, chemical dependence.. the list goes on. well not really. thats all of them. you just use that phrase to give the impression that there is more.

People think if they give you only 7 or 8 different hard liqours in really high doses a day that you'll just be a happier person and start to blend in with society instantly. It doesnt work like that. well actually, it kind of does.

weve come to realize that true happiness will be found in good time and by our own means. we dont want sympathy (not entirely true). we want people to understand. we're dying. get over it. we have (and you probably have too)."