Thread: Step by step

2. Location

While cum-stained sheets would never stand in the way of a man's happiness, women can't let loose sexually unless the room is tidy, the sheets are laundered, candles are lit or lights dimmed, tasteful music is playing and no foul smells are wafting through the air. Of course, if you live in a tip you can go another route: pick a location that's not a bedroom at all. I had my first multiple orgasm while getting pounded in a cornfield. I'd say the corn was as responsible as my boyfriend's cock.

Consider all the options: up against a fence, in a children's fun house (rent one), on a bridge, on a fire-escape, on a golf course at night, on a bear-skin rug in front of a fire, underwater, in a car, in her ex's bed (perfect for watersports).

3. Romance

There's a book called Everything Men Know About Romance - it's several hundred pages long, and every single one is blank. Clearly, the book is intended for bitter divorcees, but it has a point. Most men think they've been romantic if they show up on time, with flowers (usually rotting), and have made reservations at a favorite restaurant (his).

Au contraire. A truly romantic gesture makes her a) feel loved because b) you have allowed her to laugh at your expense, which means c) she now has a wonderful story with which to entertain her girlfriends. For example, a lady would feel cherished were you to...

Serve her dinner wearing a French maid's outfit, serenade her with a group of your musical friends (so long as no saxophones are involved), pick her up in a limo after work or waltz with her in the rain instead of sitting inside the warm restaurant. Of course, if all that romance seems a bit naff, you could try planning a plain old date instead. Whatever costs money generally impresses, but an excellent date also includes: watching a video that is not, technically speaking, a porno, but does have an awful amount of screwing in it, such as Tokyo Decadence or Wild Orchid, attending any art openings with the word "erotic" on the programme or even taking her to the ballet. (This we would suggest for only the man who has, for example, shagged her mother and sister the night before, and wishes to re-commit to the troubled relationship).

4. Foreplay

This is not what happens when you take off her bra. No sir, it starts hours earlier. And good foreplay is not physical; it's mental control, and is best done by asking her one or more obscene questions in a deep, steady voice. For example: In a restaurant, ask if she can rub her glass of ice water against her nipples without the concierge noticing. At a public event, ask her to go into the ladies room, take off her knickers and bring them to you. While driving, ask her to tell you about the time she had sex with her flatmate (even if she hasn't done so, it doesn't matter. She'll make it up).

5. Getting her nude

Make this as dramatic as possible. Ripping her shirt off, though it works in movies, is not advisable: one too many best blouses have been destroyed that way. Try going shopping for clothes with her ahead of time and tell her what you're planning, then cut them off her with scissors. Alternately, ask her to model an erotic outfit - a rubber catsuit maybe, or thigh-high boots, or the see-through nylon dress you've bought for her. You could also run a bath and ask her if she'll let you shave her short hairs. Or, give her a massage, making sure to include her tits and genitals. If you're more shy than that, have her stand across the room from you, light some candles, and ask her to take off one article of clothing at a time. Mixing up the order can be very erotic - shoes on but knickers off, etc. Describe what you see or just be silent - both work. But remember to go slow - the longer it takes, the more excruciatingly thrilling it is for her.

6. Kissing

Men typically kiss too long, too wet and with too little variety. Try kissing everywhere but her mouth - eyelids, backs of knees, neck, feet, calves, thighs, armpits, and especially her shoulders. Press your thumbs gently into her armpits while you kiss. Don't stab your tongue in her mouth. Instead, relax your lips - the softer they are, the more sensuous the kiss. The only way that you are going to become more adept is to practice, which will never be frowned upon.

If you live in a warm climate, trace watermelon slices down her nose, across her forehead, down her cheeks and lick it off with a flat tongue. You can also treat her mouth like it's a pussy - lick it up and down, kiss it sideways, and rub your lips against the outside. You can also lick a digit and finger-fuck her mouth - a lesbian skill that will make even the most heterosexual lady slick her panties.

7. Getting kinky

The female of the species, as you may recall from the Discovery Channel, is more deadly than the male, and just about now she's wishing you had tied her up, or handcuffed her, or confessed your rampant bisexuality. She wants you to get kinky.

Biting is easy: there's no hardware to purchase ahead of time and many women love it. Only bite once she's really aroused though; start soft; bite muscles (like in the back or shoulders) harder, but not hard enough to leave a bruise; nibble on inner thighs. Don't bite between her breasts unless you fancy getting a slap. If bites bore her, handcuff her spread-eagled in some comfy fur-lined cuffs. Or tie a black scarf across her eyes - it increases other sensations.

You could also cuff her hands to her ankles behind her back so she looks like a little slave girl, or tie her hands behind her back with thick rope - just don't leave them tied too long, or they will drop off or have to be amputated.

8. Fingering

Do not touch her until she is oozing female juices. If she is not, you have missed a step - go back and repeat steps six and seven. To enter the church of the swollen vulva, deposit some saliva in your palm first. Wet her nether lips, re-moisten your fingers, and go very slow. (Imagine if someone were feeling around in your peehole. You'd want them to go slow, right?) Ideally, your finger should slip in and press lightly against her G-spot - you'll know if you're touching it because it feels ridged, and she'll start groaning. Push the ridges in and out gently. If she's making enough noise, add a finger or two and continue to move slowly, in and out.

9. Oral love

It's only polite for you to do her first, so don't bother pointing to your crotch and looking forlorn. And even if you hate servicing ladies, pretend you love it. Tell her you could do it all night; tell her it doesn't matter if you come or not because it's for her to enjoy.

As for giving the head itself, don't rip the pussy apart with your hands and stare at it, and don't poke like you're preparing for dissection. Instead, slowly nuzzle the fur and inhale the "cassolette" (muff aroma and taste). With her lying on her back and your body at a right angle to hers (and kneeling), dip down and take the inside pussy lips between your lips. Let some drool from your mouth get the whole area properly wet. Then, grab the most northerly section of her two inner lips between your lips (with the clit caught inside), and rub them back and forth against each other - thus indirectly rubbing the clit.

Of course if she hates that, ask her to direct you. Hint: if she starts scooting away, it hurts. If she pushes up, you're not applying enough pressure. And if she starts humping your nose, don't stop. She might be coming. Finally, when it's her turn, don't make her do you as long as you did her.

10. Lightening your load

It should go without saying that it's rude and annoying for you to try to "stick it in for a few minutes" before putting on your prophylactic. And though you may want to ram her, remember that anticipation, for her, is often more important than the delivery. Once you're in the front door you want to get her in just enough positions so she feels erotically enhanced and impressed, but not so many that she feels like she's just taken a step class. Spooning sex - you behind her, on your side, and her top leg held up - is incredible, because you can reach over and rub her clit (which, by the way, you ought to do). From behind is intense, but can't usually go on for too long because it leaves the clit uncatered for. If she's lying on her back, but then tilts her hips sideways and bends the top leg - that's divine. So is regular missionary - there's a reason all the folks from the Bible liked it. Avoid all positions that look glorious in Hustler, and only fuck if she's dripping wet; if she's not, see step nine. Now, go slow for as long as you can. In fact, slow the whole thing down.

11. Making her come

In the ultimate shag, of course, she comes first. Because life is always more painful than it makes out in books, however, it's likely that you'll come first. After coming, do enjoy it, but then hop right back up and enquire, "What would make you happy?" If she says nothing, that means she wants you to go down on her - oblige. And do it for as long as you can without crying.

12. Afterglow

A disgruntled woman once commented that her husband rolled over so fast after sex, she could have sworn he had ball-bearings on his back. The story is actually a cautionary tale: after one roll too many, the wife fed her hubby a flan laced with arsenic and packed corpse snuggly away with the winter clothing.

The moral here, clearly, is to keep the momentum going at all costs. Rather than snoozing, try getting up and preparing a dish of caviare or make her a three-cheese omelette.

Or jump atop her and give her another massage. Don't let her give you one back - believe me, she doesn't want to. You might also brush her hair and rub the soles of her feet together (she'll like it, promise). If she falls asleep, quietly clean her closet and resole her high heels. After refilling her wallet with dollars, you've earned the right for a snooze of your own. There, you've given her the ultimate shag. She will tell everyone that you are a sex god.

I had my first multiple orgasm while getting pounded in a cornfield. I'd say the corn was as responsible as my boyfriend's cock.

Uh .. K ... you know you're leaving yourself open a little here, right ?

Originally posted by Preacher
Uh .. K ... you know you're leaving yourself open a little here, right ?

Err....I must have missed that bit :o :o

Wasn`t me though, this was part of an online survey I conducted of IM users

Damn Preacher, you beat me to the punch here bro. That's exactly what I was going to ask him about....not as politely as you put it but still along the same line.

other than that nice thread kus.

13. Aftplay
Similar to foreplay. This is where you give her cab fare and send her packing. Once she leaves, you can either:

a. Call your friends to brag and make up lies
or
b. Roll over and go to bed

Quote:By kuso...
I had my first multiple orgasm while getting pounded in a cornfield. I'd say the corn was as responsible as my boyfriend's cock.

Where's Cornfed???
I'de like to hear his side of the story!!!

Where does this fit in?

Originally posted by Dero
Quote:By kuso...
I had my first multiple orgasm while getting pounded in a cornfield. I'd say the corn was as responsible as my boyfriend's cock.

Where's Cornfed???
I'de like to hear his side of the story!!!

Holy Fuq How the hell did I get pulled into this sh!t ? Asshole

actually ... we know kuso cut and pasted this both by his statement and by his lack of elequence/writing skill... much less intelligence so, we can assume that even if I was involved, it was not w/ Kuso or any other guy

Originally posted by mmafiter
Where does this fit in?

so wrong so wrong

Originally posted by Duncan
13. Aftplay
Similar to foreplay. This is where you give her cab fare and send her packing. Once she leaves, you can either:

a. Call your friends to brag and make up lies
or
b. Roll over and go to bed

ONCE SHE LEAVES, PERFORM OPTION B FOLLOWED BY OPTION A