banning supplements becoming a popular trend?
banning supplements becoming a popular trend?
Do it for the Children
The Atomic Dog is a weekly feature that isn't necessarily about weight training or bodybuilding. Sometimes it's about sports in general, sex, women, or male issues of some kind. At times it's inspirational, but it can also be informative, funny, and even a little weird, but hopefully, always interesting and a little controversial. We hope it reflects the nature of Testosterone magazine in that, just as no man is completely one-dimensional and only interested in one subject, neither are we. If it makes you think or laugh — or even get angry — it's served its purpose.
I've changed my mind. I've seen the light. I now agree with all the momma's boys that think ephedrine should be outlawed, possession of it punishable by imprisonment, death, or having your nuts crushed repeatedly between two rocks until every last nanogram of Testosterone has been bludgeoned out of them and you're endocrinologically identical to the legislators.
After all, it killed a few athletes. So what if they spent the off-season with their thumbs glued to a Sony Play Station instead of working out, training, watching what they ate, and the usual stuff that an idealist might expect of multi-million dollar athletes? You don't expect me to believe that the fact that they were out-of-shape and unhealthy had anything to do with it, do you? Nahh, ephedrine raised their body temp by a degree or so and increased their pulse by a couple of beats and killed them. Killed them daid.
So yeah, let's ban the stuff. Let's do if for the children because they're our future.
And while we're at it, team estrogen, let's make the world even safer! Let's attach a few pork barrel-type riders to our anti-ephedrine bill. For starters, let's ban vending machines. The bastards are tin-plated killers. In a trend possibly started by Homer Simpson, hundreds of people each year try to tip over vending machines in order to get free stuff. Trouble is, once you tip the death traps more than 20 degrees, they fall over, often crushing the helpless, hapless, intended snackees below.
Since 1978, at least 37 people have died from vending machine accidents, and 113 people have been injured. Oh, the horror, the horror.
But that's just the tip of the iceberg. Just last summer, there were seven deaths, 3 miscarriages, and dozens of hospitalizations caused by eating cold cuts! Apparently, they were infected by the deadly listeria bacterium. Rather than trusting food manufacturers to clean up their act or rely on people to sniff their pastrami and see if it smells like Shaquille O'Neal's jock strap before eating it, we should ban all cold cuts and lunch meats. If not for ourselves, for the children!!
Likewise, the boner-iffic drug, Viagra, has killed at least a couple of dozen people. Never mind that they were old geezers who could barely identify a vagina without some high-powered reading glasses in a well-lit room, old geezers whose hearts probably had paper thin walls that would tear at the least bit of excitement. Viagra, however, made them come and go at the very same instant. Ban it. Our old bastards deserve to be protected so they can die from the exertion of trying to pick up their dentures out of the toilet bowl instead of the excitement of fucking.
And while we're at it, let's ban soap and shaving cream. We thought it was safe, but in 1992, one Herbert Pickney of Charleston Jail, South Carolina, ate five cans of shaving cream and eight bars of soap. Hours later, he was dead! Finito! MŸerto! Tšt! And whatever other words in other languages you can think of that mean dead! The travesty here is that there are no warning labels on shaving cream or soap telling consumers not to eat large quantities of them.
Wait a minute, come to think of it, my father died of a so-called heart attack, but maybe it wasn't because of cardiovascular disease. As I remember, he had shaving cream in his medicine cabinet! Yes, the very same shaving cream that killed Herbert Pickney killed my dad! Did anyone think to look in his digestive tract? My God, the logic is inescapable, just as inescapable as the logic that implicated ephedrine in practically every athlete's death in the last couple of years!
Never mind the fact that probably 95% of athletes use or have used ephedrine. If one of them dies, it has to be because of the ephedrine that some Quincy-clone forensic scientist finds in their locker. Why, young people can't just die, can they? Everyone knows that we're all supposed to live for exactly 72.6 years.
If we're going to use that type of logic, why not blame the aspirin that was probably in their lockers or medicine cabinets? It, or its close relatives, kills more than 16,000 people each year. Nope, it had to be ephedrine, because it's the current scapegoat. It's mysterious; hell, it's from China, and you know what those folks do? They eat chicken's feet, and puppy dogs (covered in spicy sauce and served with an egg roll!), and those little miniature corncobs that freak everybody out and that must be a product of Chinese devilry!
And besides, ephedrine's related to methamphetamine! Wait a minute, didn't they ban methamphetamine? Then how come people are still using it? I don't get it. You don't mean to say that if they ban ephedrine, people might still use it, only they'll get it from black market sources that might have laced it with chemicals or misreported its strength so when you take a hit you're actually get triple the dosage you wanted? I'm, sorry, slap me. I started getting logical for a minute and you really can't get logical when you're discussing the children!
No, no, we have to ban it because at the very least, it takes money out of the pockets of drug companies. The poor bastards could never patent it, and the sad thing was that it worked better than any of their prescription drugs. Of course, it would never enter my mind that they had anything to do with spreading the word about the evils of ephedrine or trying to influence Congressmen and Senators.
At least they're not getting all crazy and talking about banning alcohol or tobacco because, as far as I know, neither of them ever caused any deaths. They're not evil like ephedrine, or any of them steer-oids that give people muscle. Hell, you know what happens when you start giving people muscle? They develop all kinds of self-esteem and stuff like that and then they go out and make friends and socialize with people instead of being good little citizens that sit at home all day and night bathed in the glow of their cathode ray tubes watching Anime downloads of Kelly Ripa being savagely raped by Japanese businessmen.
Can't have that. Nope. Ban all those pro-hormones and pro-steroids, too.
But let's get back to ephedrine. Who knows how many other deaths have been caused by it, directly or indirectly? Just last week, pro snowboarder Jeff Anderson died after falling 50 feet while attempting to slide down a winding banister in Nagano, Japan, on his butt. He fell from the fourth floor and landed on his head. I'll betcha' a can of Universal Wax that Anderson had taken a few capsules of ephedrine in the last year. Open and shut case. Two plus two equals four. Ephedrine caused him to have a lapse in judgment and it killed him!
And that Hot-Rox stuff that Biotest has developed? Let's cut that baby's throat before it ever hits the market. Shit, they have to because it works.
So let's ban it all. Anything that works, is pleasurable, or has, in some way, logically or not, contributed to someone's death worldwide. Let's wrap every man, woman, and child in bubble wrap so that if we accidentally bump into a killer or an out of control SUV, weÕll just bounce, bounce, bounce out of harm's way. Let's fortify the roofs over our heads so that stray meteorites don't hit us on the head. Let's put duct tape over our windows so the boogiemen don't get us. Oh, wait, we've already done that one.
And then we'll all be safe.
But just to be sure, let's lop off all the testicles and penises of every man in America and cover the harsh earth with them. That way, if we trip and fall down, we'll be protected by soft, penisy earth below us.
And that way, when they take away more and more of our rights, we just won't care!
what do y'all think about this??
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