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The Jerry Springer Show : Episode 627 : "Marriage Meltdown!"
[The crowd starts chanting "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"]
Jerry: Tonight on "The Jerry Springer Show" we have a particularly interesting episode! butterfly is here to finally confess something to a long-time friend, Fitgirl. So everyone, please put your hands together for butterfly!
[The crowd whoops and hollers]
Jerry: Okay, now butterfly you're here to talk about someone aren't you?
Jerry: And what is this other person's name?
You: Twin Peak.
[The crowd squeals with delight]
Jerry: Okay, okay, well Twin Peak, is actually here tonight ...
[The crowd squeals]
Jerry: But first we have a surprise for you butterfly, because as it happens there is someone else here to see you! So let's bring out ... Princess!
You: What the HELL!!!
[Out of nowhere you pull out a gun. Princess reaches for the chair. Out of the shadows Kuso appears]
Kuso: Wait everybody, wait!
Jerry: Yes, everybody let's just calm down for a moment here. First, tell us why you're here Princess.
Princess: Because I saw butterfly and Kuso making out at Wal-Mart!
[The crowd goes absolutely insane]
Kuso: That's a lie! I was home watching Sex In The City!
Jerry: [raising his hands] Hold on, hold on, I'm missing the problem here ... what exactly is the problem Princess?
Princess: Because I've recently been taking part in a sexual relationship with Fitgirl who has recently become engaged to Kuso.
[The crowd hollers, screams and whoops in an orchestra of orgasmic excitement]
Jerry: Okay, okay. Well why don't we bring Fitgirl out here because butterfly had something that they needed to tell them anyway about ... Twin Peak that's right!
Fitgirl: [enters onto stage and saunters over towards you] What's the deal? I saw you outside getting it on with Twin Peak! You know how I feel about Twin Peak!
Kuso: [screams] What? Why the hell did you ask me to marry you if you're in love with Twin Peak!
Fitgirl: Because I knew that I could never have Twin Peak. But butterfly promised me that they'd never hook up out of respect for my feelings!
Kuso: What about respect for my feelings!
[Princess walks suddenly across the stage, embracing Fitgirl]
Princess: Don't worry baby, you don't need any of them now that you have me.
[Again the crowd squeals]
Kuso: Oh my God! Are you sick!?
[Kuso runs across the room and wraps their arms around you tightly]
Kuso: butterfly take me away from all of this!
You: You see? That's the thing ... I'm ... well, I'm married ...
[The crowd does its bit]
Kuso: Who the hell are you married to? When ... when did this happen? I don't understand!
You: The other day. In Vegas. I'm married to Twin Peak.
Fitgirl: [screaming] WHAT!!!
Jerry: [grinning widely, makes an enquiry] So ... did you have a nice wedding night?
Twin Peak: [stepping back out onto center stage] Well we had sex 6 times if that's what you mean.
[The crowd squeals]
Jerry: Okay, okay. So let me get this all straight ... butterfly is married to Twin Peak who Fitgirl has secretly been in love with for years and years. Now Fitgirl has recently become engaged to Kuso who was recently spotted kissing butterfly in Wal-Mart. Now on top of this, Princess has just admitted to being in a sexual relationship with Fitgirl.
Twin Peak: That's right Jerry.
Jerry: [looking sternly into the camera] It's times like these that one has to wonder whether or not these people are aware that they are quite clinically insane. Perhaps we should be spending more on psychiatric health funds in this country, perhaps we should just ban Vegas to cut down on impulse marriages. Perhaps I should get a new job. Thanks for watching folks - it's been great - but for now, take care of yourselves ... and each other.
[Cue cheesy background music and fade to black]