Some humor, lifted

[Mudge]

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!

 

[Mudge]

Huge Lighter

Once upon a time, Ole and Sven were fishing when Sven pulled out a cigar but didn't have a lighter so he asked Ole for a light. "Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied and reached into his tackle box and pulled out a 12-inch BIC lighter.
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, "Vhere did yew get dat monster??"
"Vell," replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie." "You haff a genie?" Sven asked.
"Ya, shure, he's right here in my tackle box," said Ole.
"Could I see him?" Ole opens his tackle box and out pops the genie.
Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"
"Yes I will", the genie said, so Sven asks him for a million bucks. And the genie hops back into the tackle box and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.
Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard! Sven yells to Ole, "I asked for a million Bucks, not Ducks!"
Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?"

 

[Mudge]

Genie
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million-dollar houses.
On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.
The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses.All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, "Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.
A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.
"No, actually, I want to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Okay, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem - it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie replied.
"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"Thirty-five," she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? ... That's amazing."

 

[lean_n_76er]

The first one killed me! BTW, cool avi there Mudge!

 

[Mudge]

A man was approached by a co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work.
The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she doesn't allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.
The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem, 'When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys.'
So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex.
She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told her he'd be right back.
He got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the toilet.
"How did you get in here?" he asked.
"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"

 

[lean_n_76er]

 

[Mudge]

>> > COWBOY IN A GAY BAR
>> >A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay
bar.
>>"But what the heck," he says to himself, I really want a drink." Whan
the
>>gay waiter approaches, he say to the cowboy, "What's the name of your
>>penis?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want
is a
>>drink." The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until
you
>>tell the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the

>>slogan"Just Do It". The guy down at the end of the bar calls his
Snickers,
>>Because "It Really Satisfies." The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the
>>bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the

>>cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer,
"Hey
>>bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a
smile,
>>"TIMEX" The thirsty cowboy asks, why Timex?" The fella proudly
replies,
>>"Cause it takes a lickin, and keeps on tickin!" A little shaken, the
>>cowboy turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity
margarita
>>and says, "So, what do you call your?" The man turns to him and
proudly
>>exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is job number one." The he adds,
"Have
>>you driven a Ford, lately?" Even more shaken, the cowboy has to think
for
>>a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he
turns
>>to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now
give
>>me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a

>>puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?" The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG

>>ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!

 

[Mudge]

TALKING DOG FOR SALE




This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale" He rings
the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes
into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and
I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in
no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with
spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
younger and I wanted to settle down.

So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security
work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I
uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of
medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy
is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheaply?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

 

[cornfed]

Originally posted by lean_n_76er
The first one killed me! BTW, cool avi there Mudge!

yeah, a whole lot more than his last 1

 

[david]