"You should never wash your hands because then you will have more germs than everything else and other germs will just think "what's the point."
Keeping a piece of week old raw chicken in your shirt pocket will prevent people from complaining about your halitosis.
Smearing your face with period blood is the biblically prescribed method for maintaining abstinence. Also known to help kick start a great raiding party (for the vikings amongst us.)
Wearing chip crumb covered sweat pants is the only known cure for bed sores.