I need some ladies advice on how to handle this...
My girlfriend and I are both in our mid-twenties and now been together for a year. Since the first time I kissed her, I could tell she was inexperienced. She is the sweetest girl I've met, and absolutely beautiful. However, sex with her has always been awkward and never consistent. One thing I know is that she's very insecure and unsure of her body. She doesn't like for me to go down on her or touch her Cl*t. She tells me she's had an orgasm, but I know what the good kind look like and I'm not convinced. I feel like she has this wall up and can't relax. I've tried everything and been extremely good to her but my patience is wearing a little thin. She tells me she's just not a sexual person and never has been. I care for her greatly which is why I'm sticking it out still.
There are a couple things that contribute to these problems on her end:
- Her upbringing to think sex was bad outside of marriage and pressure to wait which she didn't.
- A past relationship that was emotionally and possibly physically abusive. She lost her virginity to this guy and was with him for 2 years. From what I know of it she was traumatized- he told her things like she was rough and beat up down there, that she was loose, horrible at kissing/sex, there was no way she was a virgin, and I can't imagine what else. I honestly almost threw up with anger when I heard she was treated like this. I know it's something she really regrets and doesn't like to think about. However, I suspect it might have been even worse than I know now.
I've built her up throughout our whole relationship with comments. I've taken charge in the bedroom, made love to her- trying to find what works for her but can't. It's hard for me to initiate anything, even a backrub bc she feels pressured that it'll lead to sex. However, at least every week or so she'll intiate.
In every other way, she seems head over heels for me and shows it. She tells me I'm the one she's always dreamed of and I'm perfect for her in every way. We have talked about marriage and I know she really wants that, but until this issue is worked through, I know I can't follow through with that. I've told her this in the nicest way possible.
Now, what do I do? I don't know exactly what to do. I feel like that sexual person is in her, but she's afraid to relax and enjoy it. Times where we've drank a little and gotten loose, I've seen it. However, I need this without that as I don't like to drink much and I want to feel that connection with her in the bedroom more often. She seems content to settle with she's just not sexual, but I feel getting through her past issues would disagree with that.
I know a lot of people will tell me to drop this and move on as it's too much crap to deal with, but I'm going to give it a little more time bc we had a good talk and she's going to try to loosen up a bit. I just don't want to damage her further. In the end, if nothing has changed, I'll just have to end it but at least I can say I tried everything.
Do you all have any suggestions on how I can approach this? I've heard books about sexuality are a good start? She agreed to going to a novelty store at some point.
Thanks for any help and sorry this was so long!
some people are who they are.
just like some people are heavy or skinny, tall or short, social butterflies or socially awkward, sexual or not sexual.
a shrink may make some improvement, her past surely plays a role. but maybe she is just infact not comfortable in her own sexual skin and its just not her thing...
Ask yourself this ? Would you really be happier to date and possibly take the next step with this woman if she was in fact a pro at sex because she had a million different partners.
No, you wouldn't... take her to a nice dinner. Drink plenty of Pinot Noir and explore and enjoy each other!
Fuck everyone else!
Fighting a losing battle; my friends wife had an abusive father and family life in general. She is very similar to what you describe at even at 40, she won't deal with her issues. Your young, cut her lose and enjoy your 20s. It's not worth you suffering when you have no kids together and/or are married. Selfish maybe, but what comes from the sacrafice? Not much.
AY Fan Club President.
"Damn, sometimes I think you guys make being stupid seem like a skill set." - Troubador
I would talk to her. Probably just copy your OP and hand it to her. Communication is huge and she needs to know EXACTLY what your needs are.
She doesn't need to be "fixed"
By any chance is this woman catholic ?
Catholisism's main ingredient is guilt, and this will will phuq your head up if you let it.
She's been burnt by and mentally, verbally abused by some dickhead she shouldn't have given the time of day to, but a lot of women do this and think every other is guy is the same!
So, what you have to do is be a man and show/teach her the ways of amore.
Leopard can't change it's spots, that being said, give her some time see how it goes, maybe she will come around and be more comfortable with you
My wife desiring me sexually is one of my needs in our relationship. I clearly defined that in writing before we married and continue to communicate that along with my other needs. She communicates her needs to me and did so before we married. If either of us were unable or unwilling to meet each other needs we would not have ever married.
Anyway, I'm not a chick so I'll let the gals answer. LOL!
from what it sounds tho you love this woman good girls and she is 1 are not easy to come by where i live anyway I'm married and i never thought i'd be bro keep at it and try the shrink try flowers all the time you do you said man just keeep trying I hope all works out for you and your lady I can see where ur frustrated but you got a girl thats not a whore be greatful on that atleast and keep trying
Wow, thanks for all the great replies. I appreciate you all taking the time to help.
I feel like a lot of what everyone says is correct. From what I know of other relationships and stuff I've read online, this sort of thing rarely gets better. Most of the time it's just something very deeply engrained and most won't get help bc they think nothing is wrong.
She wasn't raised catholic but was in a baptist church her whole life. Her dad has always put pressure on her to be "pure for when he walks her down the aisle"... She once told me crying that she didn't know if she'd ever get over the fact she didn't save herself.
I'm really a lot like heavyiron and I'm sure a lot of others are too- they want to be desired. It took me a while to understand she really was like this. I kept coming up with ways thinking it was me and it started to really chip away at my self esteem; it still does to some extent. I've never been in a relationship where i wasn't able to initiate. It's very frustrating and if I didn't think I had a great girl I would've bailed long ago.
I just have to decide at what point I can't take anymore if it doesn't get any better. As you all said communication is key and anytime I try to talk to her she gets upset. She either says I'm talking to her like her dad or a therapist. I don't know what she does that when I explain I'm just trying to talk like an adult. She is a little immature and admits shes not good at talking. She usually gets very embarrassed about any sexual talk. It's taken a long time to get to where we are now.
Ill admit that this stuff has carried over into smaller things getting on my nerves about her. I try to remain patient but I know if it doesn't get better than it is now ill have to go eventually.
Yes, I do have a great girl and one that has only been with one other guy. BUT at what point does that not become worth it? I have read all these horror stories about women being like this before marriage and their husbands hoping marriage would change it but things only got worse. I have a buddy going through a divorce right now- he and his wife were having sex like once every other month. I think I would go crazy in a situation like that.
hotdamn, can we get some cliffs up in here?
didnt read shit
dude i think you are banging my wife
it will never end dude....it will only get worse
if i had it to do all over again...i dont think i would... life will always be a struggle because you probly arent an insecure weirdo like her...thank her parents she is a lost cause
...PASSION IS MY FUCKING PASSION
Was your wife the same when you dated her? She was what you considered a good girl and hadnt been with many people?
Thanks for the book suggestion.
Dude you got to get in that head before you can get in those pants good. Trust me don't worry so much about he sex your getting and what you are not getting. Romance her and so her love I mean over the top and the good sax will come. If you put pressure on her she will never be relaxed if enough. Women want it as much as we do but it we are more physical they are emotional.
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Another thing why it bothers me is bc when I have good sex and the girl shows she wants me, it makes me feel way more secure. We all have insecurities and mine is helped a lot by knowing I'm desired in a relationship. I think that's the same for a lot of people too.
At first I didn't think it was possible she was just not sexual and I was looking at myself as the problem and she wasn't into me. Really effed with my head but that was my fault for thinking that way
Man that sucks. What drove you to marry her? Did you think it'd get better or was it not like that before?
I hoped it would get better
8 years later still a struggle
...PASSION IS MY FUCKING PASSION