I need some ladies advice on how to handle this...
My girlfriend and I are both in our mid-twenties and now been together for a year. Since the first time I kissed her, I could tell she was inexperienced. She is the sweetest girl I've met, and absolutely beautiful. However, sex with her has always been awkward and never consistent. One thing I know is that she's very insecure and unsure of her body. She doesn't like for me to go down on her or touch her Cl*t. She tells me she's had an orgasm, but I know what the good kind look like and I'm not convinced. I feel like she has this wall up and can't relax. I've tried everything and been extremely good to her but my patience is wearing a little thin. She tells me she's just not a sexual person and never has been. I care for her greatly which is why I'm sticking it out still.
There are a couple things that contribute to these problems on her end:
- Her upbringing to think sex was bad outside of marriage and pressure to wait which she didn't.
- A past relationship that was emotionally and possibly physically abusive. She lost her virginity to this guy and was with him for 2 years. From what I know of it she was traumatized- he told her things like she was rough and beat up down there, that she was loose, horrible at kissing/sex, there was no way she was a virgin, and I can't imagine what else. I honestly almost threw up with anger when I heard she was treated like this. I know it's something she really regrets and doesn't like to think about. However, I suspect it might have been even worse than I know now.
I've built her up throughout our whole relationship with comments. I've taken charge in the bedroom, made love to her- trying to find what works for her but can't. It's hard for me to initiate anything, even a backrub bc she feels pressured that it'll lead to sex. However, at least every week or so she'll intiate.
In every other way, she seems head over heels for me and shows it. She tells me I'm the one she's always dreamed of and I'm perfect for her in every way. We have talked about marriage and I know she really wants that, but until this issue is worked through, I know I can't follow through with that. I've told her this in the nicest way possible.
Now, what do I do? I don't know exactly what to do. I feel like that sexual person is in her, but she's afraid to relax and enjoy it. Times where we've drank a little and gotten loose, I've seen it. However, I need this without that as I don't like to drink much and I want to feel that connection with her in the bedroom more often. She seems content to settle with she's just not sexual, but I feel getting through her past issues would disagree with that.
I know a lot of people will tell me to drop this and move on as it's too much crap to deal with, but I'm going to give it a little more time bc we had a good talk and she's going to try to loosen up a bit. I just don't want to damage her further. In the end, if nothing has changed, I'll just have to end it but at least I can say I tried everything.
Do you all have any suggestions on how I can approach this? I've heard books about sexuality are a good start? She agreed to going to a novelty store at some point.
Thanks for any help and sorry this was so long!