As many of my online friends know, I am a former pro bodybuilder who likes to stay strong and look intimidating by hitting the weights on a regular basis. One of the requirements for a bodybuilding career was getting on the juice, and I have done plenty of that. In fact, to maintain these 18 inch guns, I still do. I started up a new cycle last week, and have already been going through some of the more severe side effects. Now that you understand this, you can see what I was going through.
The trouble began yesterday morning when after pumping some iron at the local gym and getting done with my flexing routine in the mirror, I remembered that the latest Limp Bizkit cd was out in stores. I thought that this would be a perfect addition to my cruising and lifting music, and it would be something to really get me fired up.
I walked into the HB Suncoast and started looking around when I overheard some group of punk kids heckling some short and stocky dude. As I listened, I could hear them making fun of him and saying he sucked and his music sucked. When I got closer, I recognized it was none other than Fred Durst himself! I guess he was checking to see on how sales for his cd were, so that?s why he was at the store. Anyway, Fred was being cool and just ignoring the kids, not wanting to cause a scene. I get angry pretty quickly when I am on a cycle and this scene really made me angry.
?Ok boys, you have had your fun. Now it?s time to go make some prank calls or whatever else you burt and ernies like to do in your free time and get out of here and leave my friend alone.?
Fred immediately recognized me as being from Tito?s crew and asked me how Ortiz was doing since the Couture fight. I started to answer, but one of the little bastards interrupted me. Well, it turns out a couple of the kids not only followed MMA and knew who Fred was talking about, but they were on the internet and knew who I was!
?Ha ha ha. Taco got beat down and he sucks! And you don?t look nearly as big as you pretend to be on the internet, in fact I don?t think you are big enough to make me leave fred alone. Your muscles don?t mean much either, I am a blue belt in BJJ and I tap out bodybuilders all the time.?
With that, my temper exploded. ?An internet hater dissing one of my boys is bad enough, making fun of two of them is worse, but a skinny weakling questioning my size and strength is something I simply won?t tolerate. Either leave right now, or prepare to face the consequences of messing with this!? I then quickly took off my baggy sweatshirt that had been concealing my massive yet sculpted physique and starting flexing. The mouthy kid and his friends all of a sudden got real quiet and had shocked expressions on their faces. The mouthy kid started stuttering and told me that I looked a lot bigger with my shirt off, while his friends mentioned they all of a sudden had no problem with me.
I gave a street savy nod to Fred and he knew what I had planned. Fred yelled out that it was time to step up or shut up, and that we were going to shut them up Limp Bizkit and Tito Ortiz style. He then began an impromptu version of ?Break Stuff,? which intimidated the little bastards and made them try and run out of the store. I ran over to the first one and tripped him, making him hit the floor hard. While he was down, I gave him a good stomp to make sure he stayed down for a while. I grabbed another horrified kid with a bear hug and headbutted him like tito did to evan tanner, knocking him out. Fred covered my back by tackling the mouthy girl that had been with them and pounded her into submission. Only one punk remained standing, and it was the original mouthy kid who started all the trouble. Fred encouraged me by standing in the background and singing ?keep rolling rolling rolling? like the song tito came out to against elvis.
I got pretty fired up and started bobbing my head and bouncing up and down like tito does before his fights. I even walked over and got in his face and sneered at him like tito did to couture before their fight. The kid got mad and threw a big haymaker at me, but I just did a shoulder roll that Colin Oyama taught me to defend against it. My massive 18 inch bicep absorbed the blow, and in fact because I flexed during the impact I broke the kid?s hand. He started screaming like a little girl about how his hand was broken. I tackled him to the ground using pure roid rage, but he put me in his guard. He tried to triangle me, but I picked him up in the air over my head and slammed him onto the floor, knocking him out cold.
Fred walked over to me and we exchanged high fives.
?Where did you learn to fight like that?? Fred asked.
?I grew up in the mean streets of Huntington Beach, and I have done a lot of bodybuilding. But Tito taught me the importance of singling out smaller and weaker opponents to fight, and it worked like a charm.?
?True dat? Fred said. ?You really broke their fucking faces tonight! Anytime you want to roll some ?hater? heads with me, just give me a call. And oh yeah, take the new limp bizkit cd on the house, you have definitely earned it.?
The new limp bizkit cd Fred gave me kicked ass, but that is not what is important. The lesson to learn in all of this is that strength beats skill, and that having steroid inflated 18 inch biceps will always help you in a fight. All the kids reading this should learn the same lesson I taught the little punk: get out of the pajamas, get into the weight room, and get on the juice.