Oil Change

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Thread: Oil Change

  1. #1
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    Oil Change

    Oil Change instructions for Women:

    1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since
    the last oil change.

    2) Drink a cup of coffee.

    3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
    maintained vehicle.

    Money spent:
    Oil Change $20.00
    Coffee $1.00 Total $21.00


    Oil Change instructions for Men:

    1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case
    of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree,
    write a check for $50.00.

    2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for
    $20.00,drive home.

    3) Open a beer and drink it.

    4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

    5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

    6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

    7) Place drain pan under engine.

    8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

    9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

    10) Unscrew drain plug.

    11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in
    the process. Cuss.

    12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
    Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

    13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

    14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

    15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil
    filter and twist off.

    16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing
    oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among
    trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

    17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish
    oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

    18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change."
    Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly
    dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycling
    center.

    19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

    20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

    21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

    22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil
    to gasket surface.

    23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

    24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

    25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

    26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back
    yard, along with drain plug.

    27) Drink beer.

    28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel
    oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly
    cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties.
    Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

    29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
    Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

    30) Drink beer.

    31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with
    oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
    tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

    32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

    33) Begin cussing fit.

    34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

    35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss
    December (1992) in the left boob.

    36) Beer.

    37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop
    blood flow.

    38) Beer.

    39) Beer.

    40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

    41) Beer.

    42) Lower car from jack stands.

    43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

    44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
    during steps 23 - 43.

    45) Beer.

    46) Test drive car.

    47) Get pulled over by police officer and arrested for driving
    under the influence.

    48) Car gets impounded.

    49) Call loving wife, make bail.

    50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.


    Money spent:

    Parts $50.00

    DUI $2500.00

    Impound fee $75.00

    Bail $1500.00

    Beer $40.00

    Total-- $4165.00

    -- But you know the job was done right.
    I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain...

  2. #2
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    Seen it, nice

  3. #3
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    didn't see it and still nice. all but the beer bit sounds similar to me. nut in the oil, the spills, 'saw dust' not kitty litter though, and I bring oil to my gas station for disposal but not the oil filter. That is cleverly hidden in trash as guy in your story.

  4. #4
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    That was sweet cut paste email

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    Re: Oil Change

    Originally posted by rock4832
    Oil Change instructions for Men:

    1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case
    of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree,
    write a check for $50.00.
    Write a check? Only women and gay guys use checks!

  6. #6
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    Re: Re: Oil Change

    Originally posted by TheGreatSatan
    Write a check? Only women and gay guys use checks!
    Or people that don't really have any money in the bank.
    I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain...

  7. #7
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    Do you post date 'em.

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