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Funny sex stories...Post here

IML Gear Cream!
ok, most readable spammer ever? :thinking:
 
I banged a girl on top of my Volkswagen Rabbit. I didnt know her for 15 minutes and just went for it. I told her I had coke on me and if she wanted she had to fuck me right there. She did.
So I pulled out a bottle of coca cola. She punched me in the jaw and left. The nerve of some people.
 
There is a great site for that

Yeah you can find a ton of these funny sex stories at the site lastnightinbed
 
Linda Sun said:
Alfred

Alfred was a mistake. My husband and I were running a test and the unexpected results of the test turned out to be Alfred.

I had recently (in 1982), came into my psychic abilities and well, we were running a test on telepathy; that is we were trying to find out if I could read Jon???s mind if he concentrated on a few words and was in another room. I stayed in the living room and he went into the bedroom and tried to clear his mind by going into a light trance. He was to think of one or two words and I was to read them. It didn???t work; and we were interrupted. After trying for about twenty minutes; this ghost comes in the living room and starts to cuss out my husband. He was mad because my husband called him and then wouldn???t talk to him. He just ignored the ghost. Jon, of course couldn???t hear or see Alfred and that made Alfred mad. So he came in the living room and yelled at me. I got the poor dear to calm down. It seemed the two words my husband thought of was Alfred and 1841. Well Alfred is the ghost???s name and 1841 was when he was hung. Anyway he heard and he came.

Alfred is a little person somewhere between four and five feet. He likes to play games and can change his size and shape. He is a way, way, way out of the closet homosexual. Alfred got himself hung by stalking a sheriff???s deputy. Seems Alfred spotted the deputy taking a bath in a pond, and well the deputy was well hung. It was love at first sight for Alfred; unfortunately for Alfred the deputy wasn???t having any of that. After writing many love letters and completely making a pest of himself he was hung on a trumped up charge. Alfred now enjoys being a ghost.


Linda Sonnenleiter
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WTF are you smoking?:thinking:
 
True story funkin this hot chick in the ass she tells me to tell her when i'm going to cum. so just before i do i tell her she says cum on my face so. i do and she suck the rest out of my dick..it was cool and sick at the same time. would not take that one home to mom.
 
The Situation said:
True story funkin this hot chick in the ass she tells me to tell her when i'm going to cum. so just before i do i tell her she says cum on my face so. i do and she suck the rest out of my dick..it was cool and sick at the same time. would not take that one home to mom.
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Home to mom for what? To share?
 
min0 lee said:
Home to mom for what? To share?
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THE KEY WORD IS WOULD NOT.. meaning to an exceptable datable lady.

fuck yes meet mom no....:clapping:
 
IML Gear Cream!
Roids1 said:
Werd! I was banging this chick from behind once and I was all like "I'm gonna cum!" She's like "nonono wait!" and she turns around and jerks me off into her mouth. It was nice. I liked it!
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Geared Jesus said:
I hate pulling out. Even if a bitch says to im all like uhhhhnnngggg take that.
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+1

will not pull out for a facial, but will for a swallower - that sucking action makes cumming far more intense
 
Geared Jesus said:
One time i was banging this black girl i met at Wendy's in a Fridays parking lot. But the anxiety of getting spotted plus my Tren abuse caused me to become flaccid. I kept trying to grab the base as hard as i could to keep my junk stiff but after awhile it was rediculous. Then she started asking whats wrong and i had this overwhelming urge to punch her in the face.

The urge to hurt her was enough to get rock hard again. Moral of the story, that night i realized i was a sadist. I now regularly enjoy inflicting some form of pain during sex (Biting, slapping, hair yanking, choking) Theres something about hearing a girl whimper with pleasure/pain that gets me in a frenzy.
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You need to author a book.
 
we might have to meet!!!! sucking is the best thing i do other than sports!!!
 
The Capt believes that poster is a male mascarading as a horny wench . . .

. . epic fail
 
:sorry:
 
this was a dream not real but it's funny and relevant to im. there's a member here that kept us all wondering if he was she or she was a he or a little bit of both. there were also some scary ass threads about women with huge clits so i looked up some pics. not a good idea... soooo maybe these things were weighing on my mind maybe i'm just weird but i'm dreaming along one night and i look down where my pussy was supposed to be and there was a pretty nice cock. at first i freaked out, then i wanted to play with it. i started rubbing it etc and it was visually exciting but i couldn't feel it. it was so disappointing i woke up. :wait:
 
I sodomized my friend Tim while he vomited into the toilet after Jager night.










Pic's or it didn't happen?






87448286.jpg
 
:coffee:
 
While living in Moscow, I once went on a date with a Russian girl from the provinces. Like many from outside the capital, she had come to the big city to seek a better life and, as she put it, “improve herself”. She insisted on speaking English even though my Russian was much better than her less than stellar English.


One interesting exchange occurred when we walked hand in hand down an alley. A black cat ran across our path.


“Are you not afraid of the black pussy?” she asked.
I thought about it.


“Depends on the pussy, I guess. But yeah, sometimes, terrified.”
 
Back in high school, Jeff, a no-bullshit, tobacco-chewing gun lover, a true man of the Western plains, badly wanted to ball Laura, the perennial homecoming queen. For four solid years, she showed love to everyone but him. Much lesser men than Jeff enjoyed her ministrations. An All-American slut that discriminated against one, and only one.
During a drunken encounter in a bar, when both were home from college for Christmas, he finally got his chance. He didn’t want to ruin the moment, so he ignored the festering bubbles sprouting from her lip like an angry broccoli, freely sucking face with her all night.
A few months later, he too became a proud latent carrier of the Herpes Simplex 1 banner. He damned her to hell and stuck pins in a doll mockup.
After college he saw her at another cocktail event. Both were drunk, both were horny.
This time he woke up with crabs. So much for wisdom coming with age.
 
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