DON'T WASTE TOO MUCH TIME KISSING. Women's orgasms are much harder to achieve than ours, and therefore they want to get to them as quick as possible. She's kissed before, probably more men than you have women, and doesn't need to delay the finish line just so that you can seem "romantic." You're not fooling anyone, and she knows it.
BLOW IN HER EAR LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO PASS A BREATHALIZER TEST. Remember what that kid in school once told you? It still applies, and the more the better.
KEEP THE RUBBLE ON YOUR FACE. Chicks dig this, it makes men look very Brad Pitty back when he had that bees hive growing on his face that women loved so much. When you see her throw her head in passion to the other side, that means its working and you should do it more. She resists to keep from bursting in pleasure.
TOUCHING A BOOBIE? SQUEEZE AND TWIST MY FRIEND, squeeze and twist. Boobies are nature's volume dials. The higher you twist them, the more she'll moan and scream in ecstacy. It's also good to...
TUNE UP THE BOOBAGE. Sometimes you may need to quicken her pleasure because you're about to lose yours right? Time to shift gears to Air Traffic Patrol. Use her nipples to tune her up to that climactic end.
AND WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS, BITE THE FUCKERS OFF. Some women complain that their nipples are too sensitve to the touch. When this happens, just bite them numb and the sensation will go down.
FIXATE, FIXATE, FIXATE. Again, don't waste so much time doing things that isn't going to get her straight to the big O. There's a reason all her erogonous zones are within arm's reach of each other- there's no reason to waste energy in other areas. Think of her body as a map, and there are three major cities to visit. Avoid dark, alleyways that are out of reach- elbows, pits, belly, neck, etc. They're not worth the gas milleage.
NOTHING SAYS I LOVE YOU LIKE I'M STUCK IN YOUR PANTIES. Don't be so quick to remove the clothing- being unable to twist your wrist to hit the hot spots can be teasing.
DON'T REQUIRE HER TO DISPOSE OF YOUR CONDOM. That's right, you heard me. Store them for later use. At $12 a box, just turn it inside out, brush it off a bit, and place it in the sock drawer for tomorrow night. You will be surprised how much money you save. If you sleep with multiple women, then reuse them as many times as you need- they won't know.
WOMEN LOVE CONSTANT, DIRECT CONTACT WITH THE CLITORIS. The clitoris is really just a small penis. After all, we all know how much experience you have jacking off small penises...
DON'T BE AFRAID TO TAKE A CIGARETTE BREAK OR MAKE A SANDWICH. Sometimes the bitch just won't hurry the hell up and cum. When this happens, feel free to sit back, turn on the tube, and let her rub herself down until you're ready again. Sometimes the time it takes for her to finish making you a sandwich is JUST right.
UNDRESS HER LIKE A PRESENT ON CHRISTMAS MORNING. Remember, both left and right arms at the same time. Allow her to get her own stupid head through the last hole. Spend this time with the shirt over her head to start fiddling with her panty region and...
STARTING FROM THE REAR, PULL HER PANTIES UP AND AWAY. Hell if I know why.
WITH A MAP, LOCATE THE CLITORIS. The vagina should be somewhere south of that. If you find a small hole with a DO NOT DISTURB sign, you've gone too far. Go a bit north and you will find the vagina, which essentially is where it's all at. Cram as much as you can in there, at least to the elbows. If you can keep going, she will love you for it. Don't stop 'till you've found her tonsils.
MASSAGING? Easy. She's your dough, and you're her Papa John. Spin, twist, beat, batter, and toss in the air.
UNDRESS QUICKLY. And don't let that bitch start getting smart by undoing your own buttons for you. You paid a lot for that shirt, and you're not risking her dirty hands snagging a button off. Stupid ho.
WOMEN LOVE THE BLACK SOCKS/ TIGHTY WHITEY COMBO. You know how sexy it is for a woman in a tee shirt, boxers, and a clean pair of socks. It's equally as hot when a guy leaves the undies and socks for the last. Extra points for each hole, stain, and having your name scribbled on the tag.
YOU'RE VIN DIESAL, BABY, GO 2 FAST
AND 2 FURIOUS. When playing Hide the Hobbit, your penis is has the condom Ring and you have to get it alllllll the way down to Mount Doom.
BE SURE TO CUM EARLY. Hop on top and stop when you pop.
BUT DONT LET HER THINK YOU'RE A LOOSE CANNON JUST CUZ SHE FINISHED ALREADY. So what she's finished? Now you can finally get down to business. If she were hotter it might not take you so damn long. All her talking does is remind you that she's not really the tattooed blond chick from the photocopy store.
FIND OUT WHENEVER SHE'S CUM. There's no point trying to be good at it if she's already done anyway. Stop acting now and just finish up. There's bound to be a sports game on.
DON'T BE A PUSSY WHEN DOWN ON HER PUS... ah hell I can't even finish this one :o
IF CLUBBING HER ON THE HEAD AND DRAGGING HER TO YOUR CAVE DOESN'T WORK, NUDGE HER HEAD DOWN until she's eyeball to penis for oral. Men have been persisting this maneuver for years for a reason- it works. Women enjoy the aggressive man. Never revert to Plan C- romantic talk.
DON'T LET HER KNOW YOU'RE ABOUT TO CUM during oral. That look of surprise on her face is priceless! Besides, if you tell her then she might have time to look away or something. Remember, her face is a dartboard. Extra points for bullseyes.
DURING ORAL, GRAB HER HEAD AND THRUST. Hopefully she'll get the hint and start doing it better on her own.
YOUR DICK IS CLEAN UNTIL YOU CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE IN SMELL WITH YOUR UNDERWEAR.
YOU KNOW WHAT, ACTUALLY NO. CLEAN YOUR DAMN DICK. That's sick. Seriously do some guys actually not clean their dick? I mean yeah I could have done some "Oh she'll enjoy the extra flavor" jokes or say something gross about cheese but damn wash your dick. Who the hell doesn't wash their dick? Fuckin' gross.
ALTHOUGH WOMEN DENY IT, THEY ENJOY PORN JUST AS MUCH AS YOU DO. The dirtier the better. She would love nothing mroe than for you to cum all over her and her hot friend's face. When she says "I need you to fix the sink" what she really means is "Oh me, my husband's gone and I need someone to put a snake down my pipe."
IT'S USUALLY JUST BEST TO SIT BACK AND LET HER DO ALL THE WORK. Let her get on top and finish the job for you so that you can get yours on. This way you save energy for when it's your turn.
ANAL SEX IS TRICKY BUSINESS. The best way to get around it is to pop it in followed by a "woops." Then you will know how she feels about it. If she lets you, be sure to reward her. The easiest thing to do is stop right before you ejaculate and spit on her back. When she turns around finish off in her face before she realizes what happened.
ABOUT TAKING PICTURES. When a man says "Can I take a photo of you?", she'll hear the words "...to show my buddies." What? That's right. The best alternative is to hide a camera in the clothes hamper so that she'll never know. That way you can show all your buddies and she won't want custody of the pics.
DON'T GET TOO IMAGINITIVE. Why? Because then she'll start expecting it every time. No sex will be good enough unless you're Tarzan and tracing her body with a chocolate tipped strawberry in a candle lit, rose feathered perfume bubble bath. Exceptions include hot candle wax and permanent dye.
SLAP YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS. It's almost as sexy as a belching contest.
ARRANGE HER IN STRANGE POSES. She might not do yoga or be a Romanian gymnist, so she needs to get in shape somehow. You want a girl with strained hamstrings? Of course you do!
LOOK FOR HER PROSTRATE. If you find one, RUN! Did you check her ID and happen to see the name min0 lee? Women think we do this because we think they like it, but in truth we're looking out for our own asses.
SERIOUSLY, MAN, WASH YOUR DICK. DUDE, THAT'S FUCKING GROSS.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO BITE HER NECK, DO IT HARD. No one wants to have sex with a wimp. Let her know you mean it.
IT'S A BIG TURN-ON TO BARK INSTRUCTIONS like a coach with a megaphone. Acceptable orders are "Faster!" "To the left!" and "Ok do you want me to just do this myself?"
TALK DIRTY ALWAYS. Women who like this are shy about it and won't let you know. Just play it safe and tell every girl you sleep with what you want to do with a candle stick and a platypus.
WHO CARES IF SHE CUMS? When all else fails... Ok you know what. Did you wash your dick yet? Seriously man... that's gross, wash your dick or you won't be getting any at all. What are you doing here still, you're at like Tip #37 or something. You shouldn't be this far and still haven't washed your dick. Go now.
SQUASH HER. Are you washing yet?
AND THANK HER. Be sure she only takes the money and not your watch as she's leaving.
And a bonus tip:
LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION. You always want to be within viewing or at least hearing distance to a television. You don't want the other team to score before you can finish scoring.